He needs time and space separation. Exposure is now 2 weeks past and we are at the point of asking me to retract my exposure. He is in need of space... I dont think this is good but again I dont knw how to stop this.

I am doing the best plan A that I can... But it doesnt feel like its working.

Plan A's effects are more important with how YOU feel. Most waywards DON'T come out of the fog with Plan A alone. You need Plan B and you need to make this about YOU and YOUR actions. Don't focus on your WH.

Have you got a plan B ready to give him, if you need to go into a plan B?

If not, then I suggest you do so just to be prepared!

GOOD LUCK!

I have an end date and I am going to begin to work on my plan B letter this week. As expected things have been up and down. But there is still no forward movement in my opinion there is not a NC letter, there has been no concret talk of staying or going. We are in limbo and I feel very uncomfortable here.

I need to figure out how to have the "talk" about NC and requesting a letter to be sent. If he refuses then a plan B will have to go into effect.

Plan A is going well and he has commented several times about how he sees positive changes in our home and marriage and personal relationship despite the drama that is going on.

Thanks again all.

Have you read the reverse babble thread? The drama that is going on is PURELY because of HIS affair.

It's GREAT that you have been doing so well in Plan A, you need to get that letter on here so people can help you edit it. Make sure you take out real names and places before you post it.

Are you ready with your IM? You can give him/her my email addy and I will help with filtering your emails if you wish. Also, make sure that you are going to be strong enough to have NO CONTACT with him.

What about visitation of the kids? How is that going to take place? YOU CAN NOT see him EVER. The next time you have contact with him directly would be when he has ended his affair and decides to come back to the marriage. ARE YOU READY?

Scotland I need a link to plan B letter and I will get started on it today as I feel very strongly I am moving in that direction.

My kidlets are older 15,14,13 and 5 so I don't have to see him for him to make arrangements to pick up and drop off the kids.

The IM I am not sure who to use.... Because I do not want to choose either of our parents or family. Although his mother might be the best bet as she lives close and our conversations are basic respect no chit chat. Although I have no desire to put her in the middle of this mess I don't know who else to use.

Your IM needs to be someone who YOU trust to keep it "professional." They have to know what to pass on to you and what not to say. Anything passed on can be a little hole in your Plan B curtain and will affect you.

I would be glad to help out the IM you choose. Just pass on the email addy I have in my siggy.

I used the Plan B letter from SAA. Lemme go find the letters link for you.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1642447#Post1642447

This is a link to an archived thread started by Pepperband. The sample letter from Jon to Sue(in SAA) is in this thread about 3 posts in. There is a lot to do to get into Plan B. And the work will still continue once you are there. You MUST be READY to go NC with your WH and have a very STRICT Plan B.

Thanks Scotland..

Below is my Plan B letter. First draft cut away... add..


I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I was selfishly caught up in myself, and with my selfishness and foolishness I neglected your needs, and I failed over and over to give you what you needed. Over the past 5 months or so I have been able recognize my past errors in judgment and have learned from them. I have and will continue to take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I know my actions helped create a huge void in our marriage that allowed your affair to happen.

I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I will do whatever I can to help build a better marriage, together. I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. But I feel that I have been learning ways to be the type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife, as I have so many times felt pride in calling you my husband.

I did not understand what it took to have a successful and fulfilling relationship and marriage, or how to meet your needs. I can not sit here today and say that I know all that I need to know about relationships or marriages but I can however honestly say that I have learned a lot about honoring, cherishing, respecting and responding to your needs. I want to learn more about how to be a supportive and loving wife to only you. The type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife; the same pride I feel so many times when I call you my husband. I am willing to do what ever it takes for us to put the past behind us, and build a better life together for us and our children.


The past few years have been a difficult passage of time for us, we seemed to recover, only to slip and fail again and again. But since February, I've been trying to give you hope for the marriage by learning how to be a better wife to you. To give you hope that you could return to a marriage that you wanted, and for us to continue to build our family together, but the past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear.

Despite the hardships of our past I continue to hold on to the memories of the love we once shared, of the all good times we have spent together, your extraordinary qualities that led me to agree to spend my life with you, and the thought of us being together, someday happy again. I want to be your best friend again, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend again.


But the past 7 months have been the most emotionally traumatic in my life. We have somehow misplaced our foundation of trust and respect and I want nothing more then to regain and rebuild our foundation to something stronger and better. I want us to be a team, and to build a better marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly things have gotten, I know we can get past it.

Over the past 7 months I have endured the hurt and pain, but I can not do so any more. The path that I must take now is one of choice as well as of self-preservation. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I simply can not continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with <OW>. It has become too painful.

For reconciliation to happen I would need the following from you before making a commitment to reconcile:

I need you to commit to at least 9 months of therapy/marriage counseling with the option to renew if it is recommended by the practitioner.

I need us to have access to each others cell phones, email accounts, and passwords to all accounts. I need us to re-build a trusting relationship which allows for no hiding places and secrets.

I know that we can only fully rebuild our marriage together, when you completely end your relationship with <OW>. By ending that means no contact by phone, in person, at work, via text messages, Black Berry messenger, email personal or work, or any other physical or non-physical contact. I would like you to write a no contact letter which will be sent to me first and then sent to <OW> by me.

Until these things can be agreed upon, I will have no communication with you, except regarding our children, and I will avoid seeing you. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at recovery. If we continue as we are now, I fear there would be nothing left.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate from you. Please feel free to call the kids at any time to set up visits. If you need to contact me, please do so through my email or text messages. To this end, I feel it is best that you find another place to stay, while I stay in our home and continue be the primary care provider for our children. I do not wish for your bond with our children to suffer any further, but I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. I would also like any of the regular communications between us to be handled through a mutual friend or relative of your choice. If you have any emergency matters, you can always call me or email me at any time


I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings for you. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you. You must know how painful it has been dealing with your affair with <OW> during this pregnancy. I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer, knowing that you and she are still in contact.

This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid losing any more of the things we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery!

I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from <OW> and are willing to construct a plan to ensure a total separation. Until that time I will continue to maintain a separation.


My desire is to still grow old with you. I love you more than life itself, and I continue to do so as I write this. When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family our marriage, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, and go to counseling, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future. My hope is to see our family reunited and back together stronger then ever very soon. The process of getting us to that point is up to you at this point. If your hopes are the same as mine it will show in your future actions.

Gotta go to bed, but I would say, "WAY TOO LONG."

A few paragraphs MAX. I haven't had a chance to read it through yet. I will.

Yes I agree...way too long, keep it short I stopped at paragraph 3 so that tells you he wont even get that far.

Here's my first edit... I cut waaayy down on the length and the redunancy-- also close the door to any contact other than through an IM. Anybody else?

Thanks PM

Revised Plan B- I left the part on my terms because I believe that they are VERY important.


I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I was selfishly caught up in myself, and with my selfishness and foolishness I neglected your needs, and I failed over and over to give you what you needed. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly things have gotten, I know we can get past it.

Over the past 7 months I have endured the hurt and pain, but I can not do so any more. The path that I must take now is one of choice as well as of self-preservation. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I simply can not continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with <OW>.

For reconciliation to happen I would need the following from you before making a commitment to reconcile:

I need you to commit to at least 9 months of therapy/marriage counseling with the option to renew if it is recommended by the practitioner.

I need us to have access to each others cell phones, email accounts, and passwords to all accounts. I need us to re-build a trusting relationship which allows for no hiding places and secrets.

I know that we can only fully rebuild our marriage together, when you completely end your relationship with <OW>. By ending that means no contact by phone, in person, at work, via text messages, Black Berry messenger, email personal or work, or any other physical or non-physical contact. I would like you to write a no contact letter which will be sent to me first and then sent to <OW> by me.

Until you are willing to end contact with OW forever, I can no longer have any communication with you, except regarding our children. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at recovery. I will not I continue as we are now.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate from you. Please feel free to call the kids at any time to set up visits. If you need to contact me, please do so through my email or text messages Name Person Here, who will act as an intermediary only for emergencies. You can contact her/him via ______ at ______ .

To this end, I feel it is best that you find another place to stay, while I stay in our home and continue be the primary care provider for our children. I do not wish for your bond with our children to suffer any further, but I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times.


My desire is to still grow old with you. I love you more than life itself, and I continue to do so as I write this. When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family our marriage, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, and go to counseling, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future. My hope is to see our family reunited and back together stronger then ever very soon. The process of getting us to that point is up to you at this point. If your hopes are the same as mine it will show in your future actions.

Here is an example of the addendums I had for my Plan B letter. Maybe this will give you some ideas. You are trying to fit everything in to this letter and this is supposed to be the last love letter you may possibly write to your WH.


This is the conditions to break Plan B that my WH hasn't seen yet(unless he opened the frame that contained a copy of our family photo).

That's about it.

Overall a very good Plan B letter.

Thank you! I found an IM and will be going into plan B Monday. Wish me luck and prayers are always welcomed

You have it all figured out right? This is going to be a really hard time for you. Have you read my thread? You have to make sure that after you give him the letter that you DO NOT talk to him or respond. You may have to block his email address, etc and you may have to block his calls. He will NOT be happy. He will try very hard to break you. Don't let him.

I am still reading Scotty but yes I do understand how hard this will be. To make matters worse I am preg and expecting. The challenge of the impending birth is yet another reason why I am doing this now. I need peace and I need closure regarding this matter. I can not get either of those in the current situation I find or marriage in.

So plan B it is.

Thank you again for all of your support, suggestions and advice.

Remember, you can get your IM to send me any questions or emails at my email addy scotty.mb@hotmail.com It is just for MB folks, so I don't check it that often. If I know that your IM WILL send me things, I will check it more often.

Also, there is a link for IMs that MelodyLane started. Here is that link for you. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2264548#Post2264548

These are a few more links that I ave in my list for Plan Bers.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1642447#Post1642447

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...wflat&Main=147963&Number=2002600

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2173377#Post2173377

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...t&Number=2259792&nt=2&page=1

There are a lot more threads and this is going to be a very trying time.

Have you thought about what it would take for you to even try to recover with your WH? You should have a list of requirements ready. You don't know how long this Plan B will last. Please, don't break the No Contact or he will think you are a push over and you are not serious. All of the work you did in Plan A will be lost. Take care. Read on here when you are feeling down. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Turn off the phone and have someone else read your emails. Let yourself cry. You WILL cry. This is really hard to do. Don't be hard on yourself. This last little push to get into Plan B is, I think, the HARDEST that I had.

My Plan B started on Page 42(well, actually that was the morning before). Here is the link to that.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2343751&page=42

Take care and you are doing the right thing.

Ok update.. Here goes I did not give the letter on Monday I gave it today. My IM is very understanding of the situation and has read the books and the website and has been dealing with her own recovery in her marriage. So she is strong and stable.


As for my marriage... Today was "the day"

BEFORE letter.

My husband and I had been talking about his leaving as he has stated he was leaving. I have requested quite a few times what was his plans and he stuck with he is moving out.

Today he states he wanted to stay. I asked what that meant and he stated that he did not want to leave me preg, he was not wanting to hurt any one any more, we were not arguing and fighting things were not good but not bad. He felt we could just go on as we had been going.

I stated does that mean we are going to work on things he said things are fine as they are.

I stated NO. I told him that I was unable to continue to stay in our marriage in the situation it was currently in. I was emotional in my words crying and a bit upset but NO LB no angry words, no blaming, no mention of the OW. I just stated that I would not continue as we were. If he did not want to work on the marriage and he would rather leave I did NOT want him to leave I wanted him to stay and work on our marriage but I would not accept things as they were.

He tried to tell me that he was doing the best he could and that he was trying to stay with our family and that he was unhappy but he was wiling to just grit and bear.

I declined and explained that no I could not and would not continue. He took the letter as he was leaving and as of this evening I have not heard anything from him nor has he returned to our home.

Our children are all out of the house thank goodness.

I am in Plan B and hoping that despite it all things will be as they will be. Our marriage in in HIS hands.