so if she determines that is his main reason, then she can use that information to her advantage in the war on the a. she could self-expose to everyone she goes nuclear with and tell them they both had a, his is still active, and she needs his to end to re-commit to the m.

prd

@ Scotland I am not in any plan at this time. I WAS in plan A until he went on his business trip with OW for a week, when I found out about the trip I stopped plan A. At this point I am wondering if I should go back to plan A or move forward to plan B? Does that make sense?

We do live together.

Pale, she should be telling the people that she is exposing to the truth. Her husband is having an affair and she would like their help to try to save her marriage. She can tell people that she has done things in the past that she is now aware of and willing to fix to create a marvelous marriage. None of this is a lie. She is not exposing to hurt her WH she would be exposing to kill the affair.

Quamie, you would not go into Plan B without doing a SOLID and SPECTACULAR Plan A for about 3-4 weeks. Do you have that in you?

Also, you would need to be completely DARK. No contact except through your IM. Your WH would have to leave or you would move out with your children.

So, are you up to this? Can you do both the carrot and stick part of Plan A and then move into a dark as night Plan B?

I can do a Plan A again.

Plan B will be possible as my children are out of school next week making this all so much easier. We can leave and stay with my mother for a while but I would much prefer for him to leave and then I could work no finding my own apartment. I have a strong desire to have some control again over my life and I really want to do that BEFORE this baby is born.

When I transitioned into Plan B, I packed all of my WH's things and had them on the porch. He came home from work and I told him that he needed to go. After about 30 minutes of discussion, he finally said, "So. I guess this is it?" and he left. This coming Friday, it will be 6 months since he left. There have been 2 times in that timeframe when I have seen my WH. Other than that, any communication is done through our IM.

6 months huh?

How much longer for you?

I have an end date in mind but I have stated that I will not tell anyone. I reserve the right to change my mind. It's not like I am planning on dating ever again so if I go longer than the 2 year mark, it will be up to me. I know that DrH suggests 2 years. After that, the chance of marital recovery goes WAY down.

t/j over

Do you feel your financial situation will remain the same if he leaves you for the OW and still keeps his job? Because that's your alternative.

Your H may be setting himself up for a sexual harrassment lawsuit - what is their work relationship? Is she a subordinate of his? Are their job positions equal?

Hi Quamie,
I'm very sorry you are here. However, this is the best place to get advice.

We actually have quite a bit in common. My FWH and I are both in our early 30's. Both of us had an A. Mine was first. And like your H, my FWH thought that the M was too broken to fix. And to be honest, we had spent years and years really making a mess of our relationship.

I will say that I truly believe that you can save your M. However, it will be a long and hard road. And you have to decide whether you have it in you to go down that road. Especially since you have both had an A and probably like us, have done little to set up a protective and wonderful M.

I agree with everyone that you really need to kill your H's A first. I know you said that the OWH is abusive, but let me tell you that my OW said the exact same thing! And the fact of that matter is that even if he is abusive, you did not make this choice. I know that sounds cold hearted, but she made the choice to betray her H, not you. Someone on here has one of Jenny Sanford's quotes that goes something like, "you can choose the sin, but not the consequence". I really believe that. She chose to cheat on her H and her consequence is not your responsibility. Some people may argue with me on this, but my OW said the same thing in hopes that I wouldn't rat her out. Understand that most OW or OM will say anything to not be told on. Mine tried to guilt me with not only an abusive H, but also a child with special needs. Fact of the matter is that if she cared so much, she wouldn't have cheated.

If you have a strong Plan A in you, then I fully encourage you to do that. If for no other reason, than to not let that OW get what she wants. Even if you decide in the end not to be with him, don't let her come in and mess up your family. Plan A will be hard, but think of what you want in the long term. Whenever plan A got hard for me, I would think about what I really wanted and made myself work toward that goal.

I hope this helps a little. I wish you all the best.

Txnatheart

[quote=txnatheart]Hi Quamie,
I'm very sorry you are here. However, this is the best place to get advice.

We actually have quite a bit in common. My FWH and I are both in our early 30's. Both of us had an A. Mine was first. And like your H, my FWH thought that the M was too broken to fix. And to be honest, we had spent years and years really making a mess of our relationship.

I will say that I truly believe that you can save your M. However, it will be a long and hard road. And you have to decide whether you have it in you to go down that road. Especially since you have both had an A and probably like us, have done little to set up a protective and wonderful M.

I agree with everyone that you really need to kill your H's A first. I know you said that the OWH is abusive, but let me tell you that my OW said the exact same thing! And the fact of that matter is that even if he is abusive, you did not make this choice. I know that sounds cold hearted, but she made the choice to betray her H, n

He is above her in status at work. I have worried about a harassment suite at this point it feels like anything is possible. As for finances I am not overly worried about them he has provided and I feel he will continue to do so. He is not that type of man to leave his children high and dry. I think that is one of the main reasons he has not left at our hardest times even before the affair.

@Txnatheart

After visiting this site I have a renewed sense of being able to do a plan A. I began again last night. I feel a sense of hope again.

I have not found contact info on OWH but I am still looking. I do not care about the fall out as this is not my issue

If they are still working together...the chances are that the A is still going on, sorry their feelings for each other will ignite every time they see each other, and they will constantly deposit $$ in each other's LB.

If you have all the evidence of the A, then you should worry about a harassment suite, or if you are worried I would go talk to a lawyer and see what you can do.

Otherwise if they are still working together, and you haven't exposed this to EVERYONE, then the A will still go on, or he will find ANOTHER A. That is exactly what I did, after my first EA wheels didn't expose, two months later, I found another EA#2.

Your choice

Sorry you are here

So are you saying that PA is not an option?

Quamie, Please listen to these MB veterans here.

expose, expose, expose.

You said that you had an A. When it was exposed and your H found out and others -- how did you feel?? Bet it broke up your A quick.

That is what you want to do. If the OWH volunteered with your H you must have an idea of where they live? Go to their house when OW is not home if you have to. The OWH will be your advocate in this.

My XWH had an A with his direct report and since I waited so long to expose, he only got demoted and both work together and are planning an Affairage in Oct. I worked at the same place on top of this.

I know you are fearful of your H losing his job. I would rather have my XH working at a grocery store and have saved my M.

Right now your H is providing for you. That is what my XH did at the beginning, but when these OW influence their every thought -- all of that will change and you will no longer recognize your H.

Please listen to this board. Blessings.

Not to make excuses at all but my affair had long ended by the time my spouse found out. Although I felt awful due to the exposure I had long ended the affair I just had never confessed.

I got to her FB and copied all her friends and I found the letter on this site for FB friends exposure.. I AM TERRIFIED is this really the right thing to do!! HELP please because once I do this there is NO going back... I am 7 months preg and we have 5 kids between us... OMgoodness I am panicking

You are 7 months pregnant - YES! It is the RIGHT thing to do!!! I wish I would have (and would have had the affair been physical). Preserve your family. Who CARES how the OW feels! She should be kicked out of her seminary school!!

do it now. The a will be over by sundown most likely.

prd