Hello all.. It is with great sadness that I have to post here.

Thank you in advance for reading as this is a LONG one.

Back ground info.

Married 8 years together 9 years
We have a blended family; His first marriage my 2nd marriage- He has 3 boys ages 14,13,13 I have 1 son 15 and we have 1 son 5yo together and I am due with our first daughter Sept 12,10. In our home is the 14yob, and 13yob (his kids) 15yob(my son) 5yob (ours) and baby on the way.

How old are you? How old is your WS(wayward spouse)? Im 31 almost 32 he is 35

Do you have any children? How old are they? see above

How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you? see above

How did your WS meet their AP? They are co-workers

How long did the A last? I am sure that the affair has been going on for at least 1.5 years at this point.

How did you find out about the A? I confronted him.

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it? Yes and it has been read and I am re-reading it.



Our marriage has been in trouble for the past 3 years or so. We have been drifting apart and fighting a lot but have kept it together for our kids. He works full time in law enforcement and I am a full time student and SAHM who has worked part time for most of our marriage. Currently I am a graduate student in my last year of school.

About a year ago my husband found out about an affair I had and ended long before he found out. When he found out about the affair it had been over and there had been no contact for over 6 months perhaps more. I thought we were on the road to recovery but as time progressed things continued to get worse.

I found out I was pregnant in Dec 09 and it came as a COMPLETE shock. Before that I was pg in Oct and had a miscarriage and I did not tell my husband about the pg nor the miscarriage until they had both happened. Then I was preg in Dec again and to be honest I was devastated. Our marriage was in the tank and I was planning to move out in Feb. I immediately told my hubby of the preg and we moved on. But over the next couple of months my husband began odd behaviors; taking money out of our account $200, 300, 400 at a time and not able nor willing to account for it. He was "working" long hours and not coming home until 8,9,10,11 at night. Then he purchased new clothes and began going out for "me time" and not being able to tell me where he was going or when he would be back.

By Feb 10 I was fed up and I wrote him an email telling him that I suspected he was having an affair, that I had enough and I was not going to tolerate his behavior. He came home that night late and then left again for 3+ hours. While gone he texted me to say he was tired and he thought that he should move out the marriage was over. He told me there was no affair going on, I asked him would he go to counseling. Over the next month we saw a counselor 2 times. By the 3rd visit he admitted to the affair this was March. He told me it was just going on for a little while and that it was not serious.

We went to the 3rd visit with the counselor and he never made an appointment to go to another. April was his 35th birthday and I planned a surprise trip out of town. We left May 31st. The night before we left I went through his phone and found texts message through his Blackberry network from the other woman and him. He had told me that he would not speak with her and have no contact with her, I thought for that past month that he had not. I text the person back and told her to call the phone because she was not listed under a name. When she called back I found out the person he had been having an affair with was a co-worker; his administrative assistant for his office. She is also a student in seminary school (practicing to be a minister), married and has 2 children 17 yo.

I came home and confronted him with the information and demanded the truth. It was at that point that he told me that yes it was her and that they had never stopped talking and that he had been having an affair with her for a year or so. I was DEVASTATED to say the least. I know this woman and she knows me and my family and my children. Her husband works as a volunteer with my husband. We were set to leave on our trip in less then 24 hours, we went and spent the next 4 days talking and reconnecting. My husband stated he loved me and wanted to work through our issues. Our trip had been planned so that he could come back in time to attend a party that his co-workers had planned for him.

The night we came home he left and did not return until the next morning and when confronted he stated that he had been with her for the night, they had spent the night together and had sex. He went on to tell me that he had "feelings" for her and that he was confused and lost. Our marriage had been broken for years and he was planning to move out and h did not know how to come back to our marriage and life because it had been broken for so long.

I asked him to leave or I would he begged for neither of us to leave stated he would work on the relationship and not see her any more.

He orders the book His needs Her needs. I have been reading The 5 Love languages, and I have been trying to fill his love bank. I began to fulfill his needs as I know that I had not been doing so. We are talking and we are working together.

May '10- I have a feeling it is not over. The stress is having a toll on us. We have not gone back to counseling he is depressed and I know it is not over. He tells me in Late April that he has a business trip I ask him who is going. He leaves for his trip and I can not shake the feeling she is with him. I call the office she is not answering her phone by the end of the week I send an email to her office and it states she is out of the office. I text him and ask if she is there and he says yes.

He returns home and states that he did not have sex with her but they have been talking and connecting all week. He has STRONG feelings for her and she states how much she wants to be with him and have a life with him. I am angry and hurt and I explain to him that we can not heal as a couple if he continues in this manner.

I know at this point it is time to finish reading the book. I Draft a letter of Radical honesty and give him access to all my email accounts, and passwords to my phone and computer. He doesn't respond. I begin checking our phone bill and discover that he is still in constant contact with her. He is texting and calling her daily.

May 27th 10-I go into pre-term labor and I am hospitalized for 4 days. They are able to stop the labor but I am placed on strict bed rest and medication for the remainder of my preg. A few days before the pre-term labor I wrote my husband an email and explained that my efforts were not working and that I would be willing to do a separation.

He doesn't respond. I confront him with the past months billing and explain that I can not live like this. He explains to me that he is NOT working on the marriage, he sees the marriage as being broken beyond repair and that he is depressed and overwhelmed and confused. He sees no way to fix our marriage and is not doing anything to help. He is NO longer trying at all. He states he is not seeing Her any longer but he does not know if he wants to be with me.

A few days ago I told him that I was applying to apartments and I am planning to leave the house. He stated that there was no reason for me to leave no and he did not want to leave. Per our phone bill he is not texting our calling her often but they still work together and are speaking as it is almost impossible for them not to as they work together.

I am at a loss trying to work on this has been going on for 4 months, and it seems to not be working. I am not sure where to go from here and I am not sure what else to do. I have tried to find information on her spouse and I have not been able to find anything. His family and mine know about the affair.

Thank you for reading and any suggestions and advice you offer

This affair has to be exposed. Tell OWH, WH parents and his siblings. Also expose at work. WH and OW will never stop this affair because they see each other at work evry day.

Do not warn WH that you will expose if he does not stop the affair. Exposure does not work as a threat.

I am so sorry you are here..

First advise!

DO NOT MOVE OUT!

EXPOSE this A to EVERYONE!! Including, friends, family, co-workers, and the other woman's husband. Affairs thrive on secrecy and once it is out I am sure it will kill it.

Go straight into plan A, no love busters, meet his needs, care for him, love him, but still SNOOP SNOOP SNOOP gathering all the evidence you can from this A.

Buy a VAR for his car, so you can record all of his conversations.

If you really want to salvage this Marriage do not move out!

Again sorry you are here, keep posting, and stay on this forum there is a lot of people with GREAT advise!

I am not sure if expose at work is an option. He could lose his job and that is our only income. As for her spouse I can not find info on him and per the info I have he is abusive towards her. I have tried a few sites to find his info to no use. I do have her phone number but not his.

I did find out her school information and I sent an email to them today. I am not sure how to deal with this any other way. His family, mother , father and only sister are aware of the affair and it has not made this any better. Although per the phone bill they are not talking as much they are still talking, He is more withdrawn from me then ever. I have begun to withdraw from him as well. I am confused and I am not sure how to deal with this. I love my husband but I am not sure how to keep putting myself out there and HURTING when he states that he is NOT vested and NOT working on the marriage with me. What do I do when he says he is NOT working on this marriage with me?

Call the Harleys.
Make an appointment for yourself.
Do not tell your WH about this forum, yet.
Read Scotland's thread for newbies.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Above .... Link to newbie thread.

Dr. Harley recommends that Plan A last 3-4 WEEKS for women, up to 6 months for MEN.

Does this mean that if the woman is having an affair plan A should be 3-4 weeks and if the Man is having an affair 6 months?

My H is the WS.

Thank you I am reading and reading

As for outing I have sent an email today to her School to out her there.

It is not about the WS it is about the gender of the BS(betrayed spouse) that is YOU. Since you are the BS, than you should do a SOLID Plan A for about 3-4 weeks.

You need to expose on both sides of the equation. You need to expose to your WH's friends, family and workplace. The same to OW. This should be done in one fail swoop. It's what is referred to around here as a "Nuclear Exposure."

Do you have a list of people who you will expose to? Do you need help with a letter for exposure? Do you know how you car going to attempt to meet your WH's ENs? What LBs have you committed in the past and how will you avoid them from now on?

If she is in seminary school the school would be a great place to expose at too.

Im so sorry you are here but I will pray for you tonite.

Well I am way past 3-4 weeks. I began doing a SOLID Plan A until about 3 weeks ago. I began Plan A End of March as we left for our trip and ended it 3 weeks ago when he came back from his week long business trip with her.

Dont get too caught up in the timelines. If you have more PA in you then do it. I am trying (and failing prety much) to run a good consistant PA.
I think a good PA is key to and effective PB. You want him to miss you and the new habits when he gets booted out.

What LBs have you committed in the past and how will you avoid them from now on?

Some of our biggest issues are/were
*I was unforgiving
*Harsh
*Argumentative
*lack of Sexual fulfillment
*Agressive
*I gained weight
*My health
*My physical appearance
*lack of house / home maintenance (cleaner house)
*child regulation

We were able to discuss these issues and I began to work in ernest regarding those issues.

He was able to discuss these issues with me as we began plan B. I have been working on my clothing, hair and appearance in general. Weight and health wise as I am preg has been worked in within the parameters of the preg.
I have worked diligently to keep our house more organized and keep our children more "controlled" so that he could come home to peace. He even commented on how great the changes felt.... Then he went on the trip with her and we seem to be back at square 1.

He is depressed, sad, confused, he is NOT trying and sees no way for our marriage to survive. He sees no way for us to heal and get past this because its been broken for so long.

I am not sure if I should go straight to a plan B or if I should go back to plan A?
Because of my health(preterm labor) I can not work and have been placed on disability until this baby is born.

Should I press for him to remove himself from the home at this point?

since you had an a originally, do you think he is doing this out of spite? i'm just a newbie, but it makes sense.

prd

@Yeg thank you for the offer of prayers I need them.

@ Prd, that has crossed my mind ALTHOUGH I believe he has had other affair but I never looked EITHER way I know that discovering my affair was VERY hurtful for him and I do believe that it helped push him to what has happened and has contributed to his VERY angry behaviors toward me.

Okay, I don't understand. You are talking to your WH and living with him right? Then you are NOT in Plan B. Plan B is something that is done after Plan A meets it's end.

Now, as far as why your WH is having his affair, there is only ONE REAL REASON. "WEAK BOUNDARIES." That is why you had your affair and that is why he is having his.

Read the material and work the Plans. Ask questions about anything that you don't understand.

maybe he was just buying some time til he found op. its possible he planned on having an a and leaving you to 'settle the score'. he probably feels entitled since you broke the vows 'first'. idk

prd

It is very possible he feels entitled. It is also very wrong.

I would read every article on this site, as well as the carrot and stick of plan A thread started by Pepperband.

Pale, ALL WS's feel entitled. They all find "reasons" to have an affair. This site explains it so clearly and easily. WSs are 100% responsible for the affair.