That's what hurts so badly....knowing that he is willing to toss away a 20-year marriage and his closeness with his four children....maybe tomorrow will be better.

AHHHHHHHEEEEEEMMMMM


TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER

Come on, say it with me.

Okay, it may not be perfect but it is going to be BETTER than today.

It sucks when you get a close encounter of the waytrud kind. It really can throw you into a spin. What I do with the anger that I feel towards my WH is, I come up with the requirements for him to come home. This is a list I have been compiling since days before I started Plan B. It has grown to a list of 40 items. I re-read it every once in a while to see if I want all of those things still and if there is anything else I can add. That is making a negative into a positive.

Thanks Scotland....of course you're right. Will I ever stop feeling sorry for myself?

Yes. We BOTH will. When I do, I'll let you know. Keep strong. We are here for you too. Not only that, but most of us "get" what you are feeling.

You don't know how much you have helped me. Reading your sitch and seeing what others wrote to you, helped me too. Thanx for sharing.

Your story is going to be one pointed at for years to come as a newbie with such strength and tenacity. You are doing so well.

HopeE,

One of the things I had to do to help my older daughter with her babysitting my younger:

I had to instruct the younger one that the older one was actually THE BOSS while I was gone.

It seems kind of simplistic, but the little one operated on the belief that the older one had no power. So, whenever I left, I "handed over the power" to the older one, right there - in front of the little one.

I also instructed the older one (privately) about the rights and responsibilities of "power". Also, I explained that I would be "handing over the power" in front of the little one, because I trusted and believed in her ability to handle this power in a very responsible and LOVING way with her little sister, and knew that I had given her a good role model for the way to care for children responsibly.

The older one took babysitting very seriously, and the little one then knew that when I left the older one was completely in charge - and that if anything went wrong on either person's part...I would definitely take care of things when I got home!


I usually left with these words:

"Be sure that you love and support each other while I am gone, because you only have each other right now. Besides, if there are any problems, you will have two choices for solving the problems - YOU can solve them between yourselves calmly, or I WILL SOLVE THEM. I will guarantee you this - if I have to solve any problems, NOBODY WILL LIKE MY SOLUTIONS. Bye, I love you, 'Jennifer' is IN CHARGE."

We had no problems.


SB

Thanks SB

My DD14 tends to stay cooped up in her room while the boys demolish the house. She tends to bury her head in the sand. I will start using her more for sitting and I've explained that to her. I have not however set everyone down and explained the consequences for problems that may occur while I'm out.

DD will be leaving for Indiana in a few days....I'm letting her go see friends; I know she is wanting to get away from all this and I can't blame her. I just want her to enjoy her summer. As for me, I'll get my time on the every other weekend and it will be enough. My kids are going to see H this weekend and I'm going to my parents.

I sat down with my boys again to explain that mommy can't see or talk to daddy....not because I'm trying to be mean, but because it hurts to much to speak with him or see him; I literally cry all day when I've heard his voice. My kids tend to put him on speaker when they talk and it just kills me. I've asked them not to deliver messages to me from H. It's hard for them I know...I hope they don't see me as difficult. I hope I can raise my boys to be better than their father. I hope they will hold on to God and see him as a part of their life and not just a career opportunity or someone to turn to when things go wrong. I want God to a part of their fabric. I pray that they will be gentlemen and will one day honor their wives with love and respect.

As for me, I guess I was not meant to be loved and respected. I was part of the initial career opportunity. He needed someone to fit into his plan for being a minister. After what he perceived as failure, he left God and now he has left me....I was so blind to believe that he would never cheat.

HopeE, FIRST STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. No Pity party for yourself allowed. Please hun, this is not helping you at all. You ARE worthy of love and respect. Heck, I barely know you and I RESPECT you TONNES. You are going to be one of the shining examples of how to be as a newbie on this forum. You are a SUPERSTAR. The reason we were ALL so blind that we believed our truly beloved would never cheat was because we valued our marriage and we didn't understand about weak boundaries. We have all LEARNED A LOT on this site. YOU are AMAZING. Please don't get down on yourself. You ARE doing exceptionally well.

Now that I have propped you up, I am going to give you a little Plan B nudge. You are going to need to go out of the room when your DSs talk to your WH. If they are putting WH on the speaker phone, you hear his voice and go into a tail spin. This is no good for you. Figure out what you can do to make sure that you don't hear his voice. Just looking out for you.

Hi, Scotland,

I know....major pity party....I'm going to stop it right now. Somedays I feel so strong and others are so pathetic. We've had 3 bikes stolen in the last two days. I've told my boys to put them up, but they never do. Now we are down to 1 bike. It just makes me so mad that people would just help themselves to our things. Now my boys have no bikes.

That is HORRIBLE. That must have affected your mood as well today. I know that when things would go wrong in my house, I would say, "Stupid WH, now I have to deal with this SH*% ALONE. I am SO MAD RIGHT NOW." I would feel better after I yelled at WH(of course not for real). Don't hold it in. Write a journal, write on here, yell in the shower, scream into your pillow. REALEASE your anger.

Hope, why are you letting your jerkwad (which is your WH right now) determine your value?

STOP IT!

You are a beautiful and loving woman, and I guarantee that you have at least 6 people, other than your WH, who love you dearly. Your 4 children may not act like it or show it, but I'm quite sure that they adore you, and there are your mom and dad. I'm quite sure that there are more people out there who love and respect you.

Look, I've come to the conclusion that my H married me for several reasons. He may/may not have loved me, but I think he was more in lust; his friends were all getting married, and I was the only girl he ever dated that was suitable to "take home to Mama". Even today, I think he kinda loves me...maybe more than he realizes.

I used to feel very much like you do, but you know what? HE is the one with the problem. Lil' doggie posted something about a man who traded some cows for his wife when it came time for him to marry. His wife was not considered a good catch by many, and people were shocked at the large number of cows he gave to his father-in-law in order to marry her. Years later, someone who had heard about the marriage visited the man...and found that the man's wife was absolutely beautiful. When he questioned the man, the man said something like, "When you have a 10 cow wife, you treat her like a 10 cow wife; therefore, she BECOMES a 10-cow wife."

I got the number of cows wrong, but that's the gist of the story.

What happened to you and me is this: Our husbands did not treat us like 10-cow wives, even though we ARE. Naturally, that had a negative effect on us, but WE can change that all by ourselves if we recognize that our own stinkin' thinkin' is making us less than 10-cow wives. That our WHs, in their blindness, may not see us as 10-cow wives is THEIR problem.

Hmmmm...wouldn't it be nice if we had 10-cow husbands?

Oh, and I'm sorry about the bikes. It really sucks that you can't leave things in your yard without it coming up stolen. That said, however, I would NOT be too quick to replace those bikes. Your kids need to learn the consequences of not taking care of their belongings.

Also, start teaching the boys to NOT demolish the house.

I've found that you can sometimes get better results by WHISPERING when your kids need correcting.

Never let 'em see you sweat is my motherhood motto!

Lady,

Whispering sounds great. My H was a huge yeller and it would get the kids all in a frenzy. It's been my goal to stop that dead in it's tracks. The "loudness" is seriously diminishing. I mean we still have moments but nothing like before.

I won't be getting bikes anytime soon. I have attorney fees and other bills that need attending to. They will have to wait till the next present holiday.

I'm up late tonight drinking coffee and enjoying some weight watcher candies....they are yummy and help to curve my sweet crave.

I'm leaving for my parent's place today. Kids will be picked up by H tomorrow. I'm hopeful for a restful weekend. I would appreciate everyone's prayers for God's will in my life.

Prayin!! Praying that God reveals himself to you in a major way and that you realize you are a LOVELY creature uniquely created by him. There is no one else on earth just like you. You are a rare jewel who has lost her luster for the moment. I'm asking that God restore that luster to your life and bring you heaps of blessings, beginning with the realization of your value and worth to Him and others. (((HopeE)))

All you need is within you already.
My prayers to you
Blessings

I've gone two steps back in the last few days. DD14 was telling the boys that H texts all the time now like some teenager. One guess who? Why couldn't my situation be like skyblue poster? I wish my husband was remorseful and sorry for what he has done. No, he still denies the whole thing.

The problem with this whole adultery thing is he has someone to love him and tell him the things he wants to hear. I have complete loneliness and depression. I know pity party. My mom says she hates it when I'm like this because it's as if I'm in a "duh" demension. I can't pull out of it.

I've got to tell someone how I really feel!!!!!

I want to go beat the s&%t out of him and her
I want to throw rocks through his truck window
I want to beat his camper with a bat or hang him upside down from the top of a 50-story building.
I want him to hurt like i hurt....feel the horrible rejection that i feel.
He deserves the worst that life can give him.

Hope, I've made this recommendation to many, and it might seem stupid, but here I go.

Go buy a copy of Sims 2 and torture the sims (make one of OW and WH?). Wall them in with no food and no toilet. Etc.

Works wonders for frustrating days.

HAHAHAHA Oh KR, I was DYING over here. That was funny. Thinking about doing that and yelling at the screen.

Hope, what do you do with your anger? How do you release it? Do you listen to any LOUD music? Do you run? Is there a secluded park that you can yell into the emptiness? Do you ever beat up a pillow? Maybe while yelling at your WH and OW? (Hint, I have done ALL of these things, including SCREAMING the lyrics to the LOUD songs).

I've not been feeling the real anger until recently. I did start working out, but sometimes it doesn't seem to be enough. He is happy....I am not. There will ever be any justice for what he has done. So he got exposed....it didn't budge him. Obviously, it's made him more desireable to the OW. She still can't pull away from him.

I'm trying to accept the fact that my marriage is over, but it's not easy. Futhermore, he's been able to grieve and move on with his life with no responsibilities.....none of this is right.

He more than beat me down with his words before he left. He told me the most horrible things about my body, our sex life, and our love. How can I wipe those words from my mind?