Thanks pepperband, I would agree....


t

I think that one of the very first questions asked is, "WHY???"

Its human nature to try to understand the reasons for disasters, for trauma, for our pain, especially when it is purposefully inflicted by another.

My H said he did not know why he had, yet another, affair...after already doing this to us twice before...after knowing the pain and the anguish and the damage it would do.

He said that he never intended for me to know of it.


There was no reasoning in his brain - it was a delusion he set up, that I would never know, that what I never knew would never hurt me.

Yet, it was hurting me, it was hurting US, the whole time.

The wayward mind - illogic rules it.

The "why" of the affairs my H had? The first was a revenge affair (yes, I had a ONS, and my "why" was that my H was pressuring swinging, so I practiced swinging on my own...yes...it was stupid...his revenge affair just as stupid).

The second affair of his was with an OW I did not know about until he left me, and it was someone he met while working. His "why" was that I was not the person he loved - she was - and he wanted this fantasy woman who was so much better than I was. It never actually happened for him, for them...all a fantasy for him. I never even knew of her until much later....much much much later.

The third affair...well, second and a half....a ONS about two days after we reconciled....he said he could not explain...she had drugs....he was drunk...he was stupid...yes.....I took him back.....

I had forgotten that one until recently. Or maybe I just didn't count it? I don't know. Maybe I cannot reconcile when it all was...but I know we were back together maybe two days...

I still wanted to try.

And now, some many years later he does it again. His "why" was that he felt old, wanted to have sex with someone different, some "strange", some excitement, sex-for-the-sake-of-sex.


Do any of these reasons fill your cup?


None fill mine.




I was not, never was, never will be, satisifed with any of these reasons. While they may be the absolute truth of what he was thinking, what he was "reasoning" at the time, none come close to helping me understand his betrayals.



Maybe the answer, "I don't know" is the best answer. Because it is just better for me to believe that he does not know why he would betray me - truthfully - he does not have an answer that meets the level of what I need - he does not KNOW what went on his head that got him to the point of betraying me. Of that, I am sure. Because not one of these reasons really would meet the criteria of reasons for betraying anyone - not his "reasons", not mine. As a BW and a FWW, I know.


There is no real "WHY", except the feeling of:

I WANT WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT IT.


Schoolbus

Thanks so much for sharing schoolbus.. I'm so sorry for your pain.

Years ago I was left by an ex husband who I
loved very much. We were in marriage counseling and he decided that he needed to separate from me, but wanted to still "date". The counselor thought it was a reasonable idea and so my ex moved out and in with a male co-worker... Well, his idea of dating me was to have sex with me every time he came to pick up our daughter for their weekend visits. If I was really lucky he would include me in on whatever outing he had planned for the two of them. This went on for months, all the while I'm thinking that we're moving in the same direction - a reconciliation.... Well, he decided that he wanted a divorce, with the premise that we could always re-marry if things were still going good. I didn't understand the reasoning but my therapist told me to just let him do what it was he felt he needed to do. After the divorce was final, he still continued to 'date' me. Then there was talk of us re-marrying, even telling our then six year old daughter that she could be a part of the ceremony. Then, someone alerted me to the fact that my ex wasn't planning on marrying me, but another woman... a co-worker I knew nothing about. When I confronted him about this, he admitted it was true. Obviously I was devastated and to think of all the months I was led to believe we were getting back together. I asked him why he was doing this and he couldn't give me an answer... My therapist said that sometimes there is no answer to 'why'... it just is what it is... I don't know why I'm having such a hard time applying that lesson to my situation today... maybe because I can't believe I'm going through a similar loss and it's just too much for my mind to wrap around...
I do know this..... I don't have the need for revenge and I only wallowed in anger for a few weeks. I am trying to come to a place where, if this doesn't end up well or my WH continues to make poor decisions, I will take it as a sign that I'm not supposed to be here.. that I'm supposed to be somewhere else and this was all supposed to happen in order for me to get there. I HAVE to think this way.. it's healthier for me than any alternative way of coping that I can think about.

take care.....

teresa

deep, so deep i can feel the pain in your words. you should be a song writer or a poet. you could hire your h a full-time therapist.

prd

You should consider suing the therapist. He's almost certainly got professional liability insurance and you certainly have a claim.

Mr. Wondering

The last thing she needs is a mountain in legal costs in the persuit of a ridiculous lawsuit!

Teresa, at the time you mustn't have known of MB otherwise you would have not taken the advice of the therapist. You would have been advised to go into a dark plan b that would have protect you from your H's madness and disrespect. The outcome might have been the same but you would have spared yourself lots of pain and disappointement as plan b teaches us not to have any expectations of the WS.
Blessing

Aetna, Yes, I didn't know about the site until last year...
I'm still trying to navigate around here and figure out where things are. I have yet to find where the 'plans' are to even know what they mean when you all mention them. And I'm having a tough time trying to figure out what all the abbreviations stand for ...

thanks,

teresa

Maybe this thread will be of some help to you.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Thanks Scotty, I'll check it out !