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Originally Posted by Bubbles4U
If you speak about the rules for recovery and tell him you are not recovered, and he says he does not have time for this, then ask him if he has a little time to spend on a divorce and child custody and arranging support payments. ? Just an idea.

I understand your point here, but it goes against what the Harleys suggested I do - to Plan A the heck out of him and make him LOVE being home with me. If I am constantly trying to relationship talk him, it might backfire. He would prefer I never talk about what he did ever again - and this is the gray area. We are supposed to leave it in the past, but when it affects my daily present because he has yet to take precautions to protect our M seriously, what am I left with? I can't ignore it, yet if I don't, I continually push him out the door, wanting to run off with friends and not be home with me. Conundrum!!


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H just called and we had a nice conversation. I swear, it is like a switch has been turned - the stress is OVER for him. Today is a cake day at work, just tying up loose ends, then we go to the staff "party" this afternoon together.

So, I need to start focusing on the positive in order to get in the right mindset here. I have been so negative lately and it is giving me a headache (or maybe it was the wine from last night smile ).

Things about my H I love/like/appreciate:

He makes me laugh
We laugh together a lot
He is pretty laid back, not intense
Gorgeous/sexy/tall/black hair/big blue eyes
Skilled with SF
we share similar political views
When he is attentive, it feels great
He is an amazing cook/master griller
Did I mention SF? LOL I am really attracted to him physically
When he is not stressed, the conversation flows freely
Over the years, he is getting more handy around the house
He in an ok dad
He is fun
His scent is like crack! He smells SO good


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The list is a good start. One think I can think of is that he is raising 2 children not his own. He may not be the best dad, but it takes a special person to be willing to do that. I could never adopt, I'm not a 'kid' person. I doubt I could love and care for or have the patience for a kid not my own (I HATE HATE HATE babysitting, lol). Dating a man with kids was a dealbreaker for me.

Add to that list every chance you get. More than just writing it down - tell him these things. Try to admire him every chance you get. And it isn't lying or sucking up because these are things you actually DO admire about him. Make it a point to tell him as often as possible. When you can, admire him in front of others. I seem to remember an incident where some neighbors were complimenting him on his success. A situation like that would be a great time to talk him up - only be truthful.

Admiration does seem to be one of his top needs. I remember a few days ago on the radio show the Harleys were talking about how a husband (and vice a versa for a wife) needs his wife to be his #1 fan, his cheering section. Now I know he is doing a lot of things that you are NOT supportive of, that you SHOULDN'T cheer, however for the things you can/do admire - he needs to know that you admire them.

I think it's Gottman who's laid out the ratio of positive to negative statements. I cant remember if the ratio is 5:1 or 15:1 Positive: negative statements. I just remember it takes a LOT of positive statements to wipe away 1 negative statement. If you want him to feel good and happy at home and with you you need to work at making the positive statements FAR outweigh the negative.

Last edited by Vibrissa; 06/17/10 01:10 PM.

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Thanks, V.

I agree about how one negative can wipe out many positives. That is exactly how I felt when he complained instantly about his gift being the wrong size, 4 hours before he even said thank you.

I know I have a LOT of work to do in this regard. I usually do not verbally tell him I am upset, because I do not feel safe sharing (I get dejected and told how I feel and that I should simply feel a different way), so I usually reserve it for a letter I can craft, when I know I can start with "I feel ____". At least with him home for the next few weeks, I cannot LB him with a letter. smile I honestly have no expectations, good or bad, about the summer. He says "you like me better in the summer", which makes sense because he is not working with a school full of kids everyday and pays attention to me. I do have a goal here, though. My goal is to have it last PAST the summer and continue on through the school year! I really, really need this to happen.


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Oh, and I did learn that a mom that helps out at the school a lot has my H's cell phone # and has text him re: school stuff. I do NOT like that at all. School one day, something personal another...

I met her briefly on Sunday when we had to stop by the school and she was there decorating the gym for the dance (that was last night) and she was BEAMING at my H. Her H was there and looked as uncomfortable with her BEAMING at him as I did.

Blech.


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Sorry. I do a lot of volunteering in our schools as well and I can not think of one. single. reason. for me to have any teacher or admin's cell number to phone OR text.

Not one.

If I need to reach a school official, I can call the school, or I can communicate through email or Edline. In fact, at parent info nights in the fall, the administrators AND the teachers make sure to reinforce this fact many times over. They present it under the guise of "we'll get back to you faster, our voice mail system is unreliable; no phones in the classrooms, but everyone has a computer, etc." but it's really for their protection as it forces the parent to put everything in writing.

Not only do I see this as TOTALLY unprofessional on your husband's part, beyond an inappropriate relationship, he is setting himself up for legal issues by not trying to keep communications through school-sanctioned channels (and on the school's server).

I'm personally friends with the wife of our former HS principal as our kids are all friends and we see each other at various outings and we have even all seen each other socially. But the LAST thing I would ever think of to do, is to contact him on his cell phone or worse, via text.

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I agree, OH. At the very beginning of the year I saw a text exchange between him and a female teacher on a Saturday and it was NOT school related. It was not offensive, or anything - but I flat out old him it was unacceptable behavior to me and that if he sets himself up for being available via text/cell phone 24/7 for his staff, he will get taken advantage of (besides the plain fact it ain't cool). I even had a teacher call MY CELL phone at 10 oclock one night because H did not answer his when she called - and she had a question she felt could not wait until the morning. I was dumbfounded.

I have no idea when or why he gave this woman his phone number, or if he even DID, because it is listed on his business card that are in the front office. Either way, when we were leaving she said "if I need help locking up, I will just text you and let you know" and that was when it occurred to me she obviously already has text him and he enabled it by replying.


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In fact, I want to ask him about it and let him know it bothers me. I did not say anything about it.

"H, I was wanting to ask you about your interaction with that female parent on Sunday when she said she would text you if she needed you. Did you give her your cell phone number and tell her it was ok to text you"?


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But then again, asking about it kind of goes against my Plan Aing him for the next 3 weeks... I am going crazy here again. Grrrrr I want to know why he continues to do things that open him back up to another affair, but at the same time it goes against what I am supposed to be doing...


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Well, look at it this way. You are plan Aing him, as you said. School is over, so there is no need for anyone to be texting him. If he starts pulling out his phone and texting a lot, you can bring it up then.

If it gets really bad, go to your phone provider's website and block the number.

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I am certain she won't be texting him, but texting IS a huge LB for me, because he will sit and text his loser friend 300 in one day. No joke. Like a couple of teenage girls!


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My 2 year old has been screeching ever since he woke up this morning. Non-stop. My ears are bleeding!!!

I seriously need a break. I have not had a day off from full-time parenting in MONTHS. When men go to work, they get to leave their work. I live and sleep at my work.


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But then again, asking about it kind of goes against my Plan Aing him for the next 3 weeks

NO IT DOESN'T

People get the idea you have to play nice and accept unacceptable behavior. That is just not true. You state what you want or don't want WITHOUT LBing. Now if you can't think if a way to bring up the fact you don't like him texting other women without LBing, well then, maybe you shouldn't say anything. But by being quiet about it sends the message you are OK with it. And that is just not the case.

You don't make it a discussion or even a conversation...just a statement, and if need be, you leave the room...something like, "I am afraid for our M when I see you texting other women and I'd like you to stop." Then walk away.

You tell him what you want, and what you don't want, without emotion. It is up to him what he chooses to do, continue, or change. If it makes and impact, it does, if it doesn't, it doesn't... But at least you have spoken about what you want or don't want. So when/if you move to Plan B you won't get the bluster of "But what did I do to deserve this?"

Last edited by StillHereMakingIt; 06/17/10 04:47 PM. Reason: Added another thought

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Thanks, Still.

I guess I will need the opportunity to present itself to say that, but I can. He spends so much time on his iPhone, that I do not know who he is texting until I look at the records online - and they are usually just his best friend. No other numbers come up other than one or two exchanges for the entire month... if I see it change, I will know.


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Stella, you know me well. Princess, this was not harsh because I OFTEN feel this way. OFTEN. He would NEVER dare treat anyone this way - it is reserved for just me.

Gdar, I can totally relate about how the kids can get to be too much. I honestly believe that Plan A is going to be a huge eye-opener, reality-bringer for you. All these things you do for your H, for your kids, that you are so good at, you can do for yourself, too. Planning the 15 hours UA and FC time, it gets your life back into balance. Not giving 75% to your kids, 25% to your H, and nothing left for you. But rather 50% to your kids, and 50% to your marriage, which includes both of your favorite stuff. Like hitting two birds with one stone, doing stuff with your H, or even without him at first if he doesn't want to participate, to things that recharge you, and will recharge him when he gets on board.

What's your plan, Gdar? I know for me, when I start making changes, it can take a while to feel them, I can still feel harried and overwhelmed at first. Like when I start exercising, I may not feel great yet the first day, I may still feel sluggish the first week or so. Bu I can point to my plan, and remind myself that since I am being consistent, I know the feeling of relief is coming soon.

Do you have girlfriends in town? Like how about getting together with another mom and letting the kids run around the park while your H is at work, while you and your friend share some coffee from a bench in the shade? I know when I lacked confidence in myself, that it helped being around folks who liked and respected me, and I liked and respected them. It was contagious. That way, you don't only have relief when your H is there, you recharge and get your FC in other times, too. Your whole life becomes fun, not only the UA time.


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OK, try this...

"I see you spend a lot of time on the iPhone and I feel sad and neglected. I'd like you to spend less time on your iPhone when I'm around."

If he gives you excuse for using it or not spending time with you, you can open the door by asking, "Is there something I can do to make it easier to spend time with me?" Be prepared for the blame...but parrot back to him whatever he requests..."What I hear you saying is you would like....and you would like me to stop..."etc. If you are up to it and not too emotionally charged you can accept this or not accept this and tell him what you can do. If you ARE too emotionally charged you say to him, "I need to think about this and I will get back with you." and you walk away.

You see how a negotiation can happen, a short conversation, simple statements, and no heated discussion. Check your motivation, are your words helping you love your H or hurting? Sometimes at moments you can add in a MB principle like..."How can I deposit Love Units in your Love Bank right now?" Or "I feel love units depleting from my love bank when I see you on your iPhone." But be careful about using MB-talk too much, you can probably only say this once a week...



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Still, I have said those exact words to him about his iPhone. He responds with an excuse " I was just texting so and so about such and such". K, that does not help me, I am telling you it bothers me and why. We WILL have this conversation again in the next day or two, but this time I will use your response.

I am not sure if you caught my post about right after we had SF, like literally the moment it was over, he rolled over and read a text message. Not sure what else I could be doing to make him want to spend time with me, I mean most men would take SF over a text message any day, but he was a cake eater big time in this situation.

NED, it sounds like you know exactly what I am feeling about doing things for me. I really would like to start using the Wii Fit again, and I have been asking my H to hook it up in our media room for about 4 months now, and it has not happened. I would do it if I knew how - but it is not a simple process because of the receiver/computer/projector system that is set up.

Now that I just learned yesterday that my H still as TWO weeks of work left before his time off (he literally just told me yesterday afternoon he works until July 2nd, and this whole time I thought he was done YESTERDAY). I will be home with all kids since school is out, everyday, all day. The weather here has been terrible, not summer like at ALL, rainy - so the moment that changes, we are heading to the park (right by our house)! I am going to make some calls this weekend to start arranging some play dates with a couple of moms I really enjoy.

I am pretty bummed about thinking my Plan A was going to start TODAY, and now I have 2 weeks to go...


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Didn't someone here throw their H's phone in a body of water? Or wanted to? lol


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I've heard about "dropping" it in the sink while doing dishes. wink


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If he did them, this could happen!

Kidding. He has done this dishes twice this week! laugh


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