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Just want to say that I am sorry if I offended anyone. That was not my intention. I never once said an affair is a good thing, just was looking for perspectives. I never thought they would be so harsh.
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BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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TomO-
I just wanted to tell you that my FXH had an EA (which is why he was an XH. His choice) and left me. Five weeks later I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy, followed by 6 months of chemo. He D me while I was going through chemo.
The EA was much more painful than the whole breast cancer experience.
Just FYI...
johnstwin-
"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther
Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!
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Tom I am new here as well and I have had an affair and I did it for a number of reasons that were not good enough to cover the hurt I caused. In the moment it felt GREST to escape the harshness of my marriage and to run away from the pain.
There is NOTHING wrong with asking because truth be told I have been in both places.
Me-32-FWW/Him-35-CWH
DD/PA-3/10
Expo-6/16/10
PC-7/16/10-9/25/10
Moved out 8/12/10
PLAN B-9/25/10 A light shade of Gray.
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, " I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes" Eleanor Roosevelt
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I never once said an affair is a good thing, just was looking for perspectives. I never thought they would be so harsh. And you got perspectives. The reason they are harsh is because adultery is so harsh. Decent people become outraged at injustice. Just as decent people become outraged at hearing of a child raped, they also get outraged at other crimes, such as adultery. You asked about having "sympathy" for cruel behavior and to that I have to say: misplaced sympathy gives power to evil..From " Defending Traditional Marriage" pg 143: An affair is devastating to a betrayed spouse. It�s one of the most painful experiences that he or she could ever endure. In fact, most betrayed spouses cannot think of a single tragedy that is worse for them than the affair. Consider these examples (names have been changed to protect their identity)
* Nancy's father was murdered, her mother died of a very aggressive cancer in the same year. Both were very close to Nancy, and their sudden deaths were devastating to her. But she reported that the pain she suffered from her husband's affair was far more devastating.
* Cindy had been sexually molested by her father in her early teens. Yet her husband's one-year affair with a woman he met while away on business created far more trauma for her than her father's irresponsible behavior.
* Julie was raped by a stranger when she attended college. She told us that the rape paled in comparison to her struggle with her husband's two year affair with a female co worker.
* Robin was gang raped when she was twenty three. She reported that her husband�s one year affair with a woman he met at a local bar was much more difficult to overcome than the physical and emotional damage from the rape.
* Chad's six year old son died in a backyard accident. He said the pain he suffered from his wife's affair with a neighbor was far greater than the pain from his son's tragic death.
* Sylvia's younger sister was raped and murdered by a stranger when Sylvia was twenty one. But her husband's five month affair with a co-worker caused her to suffer more than the brutal death of her younger sister, whom she cared for deeply.
These are just a few of the testimonials that we have recorded when counseling victims of infidelity at the Marriage Builders Counseling Center. Scores of others have told me the same thing. A spouse's affair is the just about the worst experience in anyone's life. Dr Harley also discusses it here: After having counseled thousands of couples with hundreds of marital conflicts, I am completely convinced that a spouse's unfaithfulness is the most painful experience that can be inflicted in marriage. Those I've counseled who have
had the tragic misfortune of having experienced rape, physical abuse, sexual abuse of their children, and infidelity have consistently reported to me that their spouse's unfaithfulness was their very worst experience. To be convinced of the devastating impact of infidelity, you only need to go through it once. Some of Dr Harley's posts to members on the weekend forum: written to a WH: Since you've had an affair, I would imagine that your wife is very emotionally defensive about the subject. It's the worst experience of her life -- worse than the loss of her son five years ago. Can you imagine anything being that bad? Well, you did it to her, and she is suffering as a result. It's all she can do to remain rational. If she were to express herself emotionally at this point, she would probably be expressing deep feelings of hopelessness and catastrophic loss. By trying to be rational, she is able to focus on the practical side of the issue. "We regard infidelity as the worst offense in marriage. More damaging than physical abuse. And when a couple goes through a period of time when their relationship is broken, and they are not meeting each other's emotional needs, infidelity is very common. Granted, we can even patch these marriages together when the incentive to reconcile (children) is present. But it would be much easier and much less painful if you and your husband never had to go through it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Now having said that let me say this... MY affair only caused US more pain even though that was NEVER my intention. I never wanted to hurt my H I just wanted to stop hurting. I never wanted to leave my marriage, I just wanted to stop feeling bad all the time and stop resenting him. I WAS NOT RIGHT in my actions but I did them. I hurt myself, my family, my husband, and our extended family.
I caused so much damage and it is hard to even think on how much when I look back. I was selfish and I KNEW that but I didnt care at the time because I was hurting and I wanted to just stop hurting.
I know that my affair was stupid and immature and a way to escape and NOT deal with the issues that needed to be dealt with. I never wanted to leave my marriage I just wanted to have a break as crazy as that may sound. I never wanted to hurt him and that is why I kept the affair so secret. I was ashamed ever time I participated in the affair and I lied but I was just as hurt by the issues at home and I could not see a way to fix them.
I am not blaming my BH I could have left.. I could have done a million and 1 things I did not make that choice.
Now I am a BW and I hurt... and I am still fighting for my marriage and will continue to do so because I LOVE my husband. but the affair still hurts except now I am the one hurting instead of inflecting the pain.
I hope that helps
Me-32-FWW/Him-35-CWH
DD/PA-3/10
Expo-6/16/10
PC-7/16/10-9/25/10
Moved out 8/12/10
PLAN B-9/25/10 A light shade of Gray.
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, " I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes" Eleanor Roosevelt
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Adultery is devastating to children. It teaches them that wrong is right and causes enormous moral confusion. It causees a complete loss of respect for the cheating parent. We have children of parents on this forum who are being treated for post traumatic stress disorder due to the selfish, cruel adulterous affair of their parents. For anyone to believe that adultery brings "happiness" is incredible. Adultery doesn't bring "happiness' to anyone, much less the adulterers. Adulterers are not very "happy" when their spouse, children, employer, parents, neighbors are all looking at him with disgust and revulsion. Adultery brings shame, degradation, embarrassment, humiliation and loss of respect. To believe that adultery brings "happiness" is about as stupid as believing that shoplifting brings "happiness." Shoplifters are not happy when the consequences come calling. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok...I might get 2 x 4ed for this, but I saw TO's post as simply curious...Sounds like he is crying out for help because he has been thinking of an affair because he is unhappy but wants to make his marriage work.
I am a FWW who just joined these forums. I just bought Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair" yesterday. I am halfway through the book already and something that stands out at me is that Dr. Harley shows empathy for all parties and his philosophy that there is fault in ALL parties of an affair: the BS, the WS, and the OP. Affairs stem from the BS's not meeting important ENs. Does that give the WS an excuse??? No. Does that justify an affair...ABSOLUTELY NOT. But he said also that given the right circumstances ANYONE can have an affair. We are wired for it. That is why both spouses meeting ENs and keeping our spouse's love banks over 1000 is soooo important. He also teaches that attacking, arguing, and condemning gets you nowhere. WS's come here for support...BS's come here for support...We are all battling on one side of an affair or the other. And we are ALL hurting in some form or fashion, but we wouldn't be here if we didn't want to get through it. We all need support and encouragement. I get frustrated reading all these "holier than thou" posts because they are the BS and could control themselves while the WS is dirt. GOOD people have affairs every day. Dr. Harley says it in his book. Are they good people while in the affair. NO WAY. Affairs turn good people into liars, deceivers, manipulators, home-wreckers...the list goes on and on..
I am a God-fearing woman who loves the Lord. Neither I nor my spouse had the knowledge and tools or maturity to prevent an affair on both sides. Yes, we both cheated.
WS's wouldn't be here if they didn't want help...BS's wouldn't be here either...and sometimes a POSSIBLE FUTURE WS contemplating an affair needs to come here too for support and help...which I think TO is in this situation.
All I can say to TO right now is...DON'T DO IT. It's not worth the pain and suffering you will cause yourself and your spouse, children, family, and friends. Hang around here...read the QA columns, buy the books "Surviving an Affair," and "His Needs, Her Needs..." You may think the "SAA" book does not apply because you have not had an affair yet...but it does...it paints a picture for you to help you see what will happen if you have an affair and gives you knowledge and tools to prevent an affairP before it happens. READ BOTH BOOKS!
Peace and God Bless,
PG01
PG01
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Yes, that probably was the purpose of his post....and he got his answers. I will not "support and encourage" an adulterer. Sorry....a former one, yes I will support and encourage recovery of a marriage. an active one or a contemplating one, NO.
Pianogal, where did you see a "holier than thou" post?...I must have missed that post. He got the info he asked for on this forum. He asked a question and got his answers. He is posting his story on the marriage builders forum for marriage building help......
Last edited by stillhere8126; 06/18/10 07:45 PM. Reason: add more thoughts
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Affairs stem from the BS's not meeting important ENs  Just in case a newbie BS is reading this, NO NO NO. I am a little too angered by this to even finish this post. I MAY return when I calm down a little. PG, I know that you tried to quantify this after this statement, but REALLY? Read a little more, please?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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 Missed that Scotty....OMG, wheres my wine?
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Tom, if you need some help in figuring out what to read on this site, here is a thread I started for newly betrayed spouses. It has A LOT of info that a newly betrayed should read when they first get here. Please ask any questions you may have about the MB material. I will be pleased to help you wherever I can. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240
Last edited by Scotland; 06/18/10 07:55 PM. Reason: oops forgot thread link hehehe
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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All I can say to TO right now is...DON'T DO IT. It's not worth the pain and suffering you will cause yourself and your spouse, children, family, and friends.
PG01 Really, PG, what have you said about the pain of affairs that is different from what was said on the other thread? The people who posted to that thread had no sympathy for adulterers. As you can see from your encounters here, most people here will help RECOVERING waywards, but very few have sympathy for active waywards. Tom asked his question and got that answer.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Ok...Affairs stem from ENs not being met by the other spouse and instead of communicating needs and giving the BS the opportunity they seek to have them met in another person instead of their spouse...Is that better?
I skimmed the "How do affairs begin.." chapter again and it SCREAMS the message of the most important emotional needs not being met by the other spouse. I am not finished with the book...and I plan on finishing it by the end of the day tomorrow. But I know this is why my affair began...I had a "soul-mate" affair. There are other types of affairs too.
Go ahead get mad, set me in my place...I'm ready...and probably need it.
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I responded to you on your thread.
Also, I find it interesting that the "apology" on this thread was NOT actually one and that the creator of this thread has said not one more thing. Sit back and watch us devour each other perhaps?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Ok...I might get 2 x 4ed for this, but I saw TO's post as simply curious...Sounds like he is crying out for help because he has been thinking of an affair because he is unhappy but wants to make his marriage work.
I am a FWW who just joined these forums. I just bought Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair" yesterday. I am halfway through the book already and something that stands out at me is that Dr. Harley shows empathy for all parties and his philosophy that there is fault in ALL parties of an affair: the BS, the WS, and the OP. Affairs stem from the BS's not meeting important ENs. Does that give the WS an excuse??? No. Does that justify an affair...ABSOLUTELY NOT. But he said also that given the right circumstances ANYONE can have an affair. We are wired for it. That is why both spouses meeting ENs and keeping our spouse's love banks over 1000 is soooo important. He also teaches that attacking, arguing, and condemning gets you nowhere. WS's come here for support...BS's come here for support...We are all battling on one side of an affair or the other. And we are ALL hurting in some form or fashion, but we wouldn't be here if we didn't want to get through it. We all need support and encouragement. I get frustrated reading all these "holier than thou" posts because they are the BS and could control themselves while the WS is dirt. GOOD people have affairs every day. Dr. Harley says it in his book. Are they good people while in the affair. NO WAY. Affairs turn good people into liars, deceivers, manipulators, home-wreckers...the list goes on and on..
I am a God-fearing woman who loves the Lord. Neither I nor my spouse had the knowledge and tools or maturity to prevent an affair on both sides. Yes, we both cheated.
WS's wouldn't be here if they didn't want help...BS's wouldn't be here either...and sometimes a POSSIBLE FUTURE WS contemplating an affair needs to come here too for support and help...which I think TO is in this situation.
All I can say to TO right now is...DON'T DO IT. It's not worth the pain and suffering you will cause yourself and your spouse, children, family, and friends. Hang around here...read the QA columns, buy the books "Surviving an Affair," and "His Needs, Her Needs..." You may think the "SAA" book does not apply because you have not had an affair yet...but it does...it paints a picture for you to help you see what will happen if you have an affair and gives you knowledge and tools to prevent an affairP before it happens. READ BOTH BOOKS!
Peace and God Bless,
PG01
PG01 Well stated and agreed
Me-32-FWW/Him-35-CWH
DD/PA-3/10
Expo-6/16/10
PC-7/16/10-9/25/10
Moved out 8/12/10
PLAN B-9/25/10 A light shade of Gray.
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, " I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes" Eleanor Roosevelt
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Six years ago my M was really bad. Five years ago it was awful. Four years ago I had an A. Do you know why? Because I deemed MY selfish satisfaction to be more important than my H, my children, and my God. Was H taking good care of me? No. Was I taking good care of him? No. I know I wasn't because spouses who are consumed with how miserable their lives are are not spending any energy taking care of their spouses. So DH and I lived in the same crappy marriage. I chose to cross the line mentally, emotionally, and sexually with a coworker. DH chose to bury himself in work. His choice denied us some family time. My choice almost destroyed us.
So....why do good people have affairs? They think their pain entitles then to stop being good. They are wrong. Enough said.
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I responded to you on your thread.
Also, I find it interesting that the "apology" on this thread was NOT actually one and that the creator of this thread has said not one more thing. Sit back and watch us devour each other perhaps? Yeah, there have been a few of those unapologetic apologies here lately.....Mmmmmmmm.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Six years ago my M was really bad. Five years ago it was awful. Four years ago I had an A. Do you know why? Because I deemed MY selfish satisfaction to be more important than my H, my children, and my God. Was H taking good care of me? No. Was I taking good care of him? No. I know I wasn't because spouses who are consumed with how miserable their lives are are not spending any energy taking care of their spouses. So DH and I lived in the same crappy marriage. I chose to cross the line mentally, emotionally, and sexually with a coworker. DH chose to bury himself in work. His choice denied us some family time. My choice almost destroyed us.
So....why do good people have affairs? They think their pain entitles then to stop being good. They are wrong. Enough said. Now here is a repentant FORMER wayward.... 
Last edited by stillhere8126; 06/18/10 08:21 PM. Reason: Fog free
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Okay, now I have read all the other stuff. It gave me a sick chill. I remember putting out those "feelers" to see if anybody out there might sympathize with my sad plight JUST IN CASE.....not that I would ever cheat. Blech. That "wondering" led to more dissatisfaction, more resentment, which led to wishing it were "okay", which led to too much fraternizing.....which led to HELL.
Did I hurt when I cheated? Yes. Did I bring it on myself? You bet. Did I deserve compassion? Not until I repented my sorry butt and changed.
Did the OM suffer? I am sure he did -- I didn't ask. Did he bring it on himself? Yep.
Who were the real victims of my adultery? J, K (9 at the time), and J (7 at the time). THEY were the ones who deserved compassion.
And I'll say this. I was a foggy idiot when I ventured to this board the first time. And I lied through my teeth. But later, after members were certain I was changed.....I have gotten tons of compassion, advice, kicks in the pants, encouragement, and laughs. So it's a great place to be...as long as you really want to save your M and not destroy it.
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