Traci makes some very wise statements here.

Plan A (the �carrot� part) is merely a strategy to plant a seed in your WS�s head that will hopefully germinate latter when the ground is �fertile�. The ground is unlikely to be fertile (and thus the seed will not germinate) until the affair is over, NC is underway, and the fWS has had some �come to Jesus� moments of self-reflection. The carrot just demonstrates a BS�s sincerity and willingness to build a NEW AND BETTER AND DFIFFERENT relationship with the WS. BOTH parties have to choose to change the relationship�s dynamics, communications, LBs, ENs, etc. & it is highly unlikely the WS will agree to participate in that together as long as he/she is still addicted to or unrepentant of the affair. Ultimately, real recovery comes down to MUTUAL FORGIVENESS and MUTUAL WILLINGNESS TO LEARN AND GROW TOGETHER IN A NEW DIRECTION.

Plan A alone (carrot + stick) only �works"-�i.e. breaks the affair with the WS re-committing to the marriage�s repair�about 15% of the time, by Dr. Harley�s own admission. Usually, Plan B and a great deal of time are needed to achieve a successful, healthy recovery-start, as Traci alluded to.

I think you need HOPE tempered with a lot of patience and realism. Many BSs, myself included at one point, expect Plan A to be some magic elixir and get frustrated when it seemingly has no effect on their WS. It�s effects are usually very subtle and long-delayed. Most cheating-spouses are not receptive to anything their betrayed-spouse says or does, no matter how genuine, while in the �honeymoon phase� of the affair. They don�t want to hear anything that interferes with their adultery-fantasy.

Mark & markos,

That was an excellent explanation of the analogy. Thank you :-)

Thank you Mark for posting, I knew that I missed the original intent behind the analogy. Thank you for the corrections.

Reading your Mantra has raised for questions for me. See below in red.




I really appreciate your insight, but I didn't grasp how one can hope w/o having an expected response from the WS either way.

When you have HOPE, what are you HOPING for?

I OFTEN said on my thread that I had HOPE and FAITH. I didn't feel like I could have one without the other. You see I have FAITH that GOD(or whatever higher power you want to call it) has a PLAN for ME and that he/she/they know what I need. That the path is laid out where it is supposed to be and I am on it. I have HOPE that that plan INCLUDES my WH.

I KNOW that either way, I WILL be okay.

You are in that reflective and figuring out part of Plan B. There is much to be learned there. That's why I told you this was a good idea for a thread.

Haha, I didn't start this thread as a NW Plan B self-recovery thread. It's intent was to discuss the dynamic between Hope and Expectations specifically while a BS is in Plan A, giving all without getting anything back in return, and keeping your emotions in check while doing so.

I almost think that idea/definition of hope should be re-written for BS in Plan A. This is what I wrote about Hope on my original Post on this thread.

"Your HOPE is that you have the time, the strength, the patience, and the resolve; to do everything that you can do in Plan A to make your marriage a better option than divorce. Chances are that you will never know if your Plan A was good enough or if your M is worth recovery until Plan B so don't worry about that right now."

That implied:
-To do everything you can do in Plan A (the carrot and the stick).
-Hope that YOU have the time, strength, the patience, and the resolve (not hoping that your WS will react to given $$LB deposit).
-To make you Marriage a better option than Divorce (a good Plan A).
-Not to worry about Plan B or weather your Plan A was good enough (take advantage of the time with your WS now).

I really am enjoying this topic and I love all the responses so far. It really gets you thinking.

I hate thinking.

We'd already discovered that a long time ago...

Awesome thread guys. This is helpful to me, and I'm sure many other BS's out there can get a lot out of it.

NW,

You touched on some very profound points regarding Plan A. Dr. H mentions them too.

Plan A, even in the best of executions, is very emotionally draining and debilitating for the BS. He/she must exercise tremendous self-control, determination, and patience to avoid LB�ing and/or breaking down out of frustration and the pain of continual �rejection�. In most cases, the BS�s efforts in Plan A will be met by the WS with (at best) skepticism & stonewalling and (often) outright hostility and derision. The anguish this causes the BS is enormous�he/she sees their WS�s reactions as cold-hearted, two-faced, unreachable, and massively un-empathetic (all of which is TRUE). It requires a great deal of strength and restraint to fight through that w/o lapsing into depression or retaliation.

Dr. H alludes to all this (he actually discussed PTSD as a possible BS-outcome) and therefore recommends than Plan A be time-limited as the BS can only hold out so long in the face of such emotional abuse�and THERE IS NOTHING MORE ABUSIVE THAN INFIDELITY (as documented in multiple psychological studies�its worse than rape or serious physical assault).

He advises than Plan A be considerably shorter for BWs than for BHs. I�m sure his reasoning is two-fold:
1) He knows that WW-affairs are generally more emotionally-addicted and therefore harder to break than WH-affairs and�
2) He probably reasons that women typically can tolerate the continued emotional firestorm for less time than men, given the male brain�s greater capacity for compartmentalization.

I agree with your assessment of �hope� in Plan A. A BS must hope that he/she can successfully �plant that seed� (and make themselves a better person & partner in the process) while expecting little-to-nothing in return from their WS at that point. Plan B is required in 85% of cases as Dr. Harley says�whether or not the relationship is eventually reconciled or divorced.

SDCW,
Good to have you around.

NW,

To me the difference between hope and expectation in Plan A is related to time as much as anything. Hope is anticipation of something in the future, a goal that is kept in focus whether or not it is ever achieved.

Expectations are doing something and expecting an immediate result that is measurable or observable as an immediate response to what we do.

When we do something to meet and EN of a wayward spouse, we need to be doing it based on the goal of winning the WS back and getting a shot at recovering the marriage. What so often happens is we do something we think will make a difference in the battle and throw all of our efforts into that single attempt only to find that the battle is not over yet and we need to keep fighting.

Expecting a WS to suddenly reverse direction, fall at our feet and beg forgiveness, completely submitting to our desired goal of having a happy marriage is not only unlikely, it is unreasonable.

Consider a game plan for a football game (the American kind, not this stuff that can end in a tie and still affect the outcome of the tournament.) A team might know that the base defense of the opponent is centered around the middle linebacker reading the play as it develops and reacting by either flowing to the ball on a run or turning on the jets and trying to disrupt a pass play by getting in the face of the quarterback.

So a team will begin to mix and match passing and running plays, often at odd times like a deep pass on first down or a draw play on third and long. They might do this down after down with little visible result at first. But if they know that getting a running back beyond the ability of the middle linebacker to make the play will result in a long gain, they might keep pounding the ball, attacking the line at different points in hope that the linebacker might misread just one play.

But by doing this they are also doing something else. They are forcing the linebacker to react to every play, every attempt to move the ball and focusing their attack in a way that requires a counter play by that one guy in order to overcome their play.

Now if they don't give up on the plan and keep pounding the ball inside, while still doing the other stuff that goes along with a pass play like sending three receivers deep on one side or mixing two crossing routes with a fade to one corner, as the opposition begins to "cheat" a bit one way or the other, eventually either the run will break through and gain a bunch of yardage or a receiver will find himself wide open with nothing between him and the goal line but grass and chalk lines.

The HOPE is that they can score a touchdown. Their expectation on each and every play is simply to do what they know will give them the best chance to accomplish that goal and not worry about the fact that the middle linebacker has been able to read the play correctly and counter it during the entire first half of the game.

Of course in a football game, you also have to play defense and protect your own goal line as well and this is where taking care of yourself comes into Plan A. While you can't stop attacking you also have to make sure the other team doesn't score when you let down your guard. So part of the plan must include a regrouping, a strategy to sustain the effort and a way to make sure that you don't lose your ability to keep moving the ball on offense by falling behind in the game and having to abandon your game plan.

Most of Plan A is offensive. You pound the effort with every opportunity. You press constantly and consistently in an effort to move toward the goal. But you also have to know that you will not allow a big play to be made against you. If you allow your expectation to overcome your ability to remain focused and constantly go for broke, or relax your defenses so that something the WS does gets to you and causes you to react in a way that does more damage than good, then you can lose the game simply by allowing the justification of the affair to flourish by giving the WS reasons to want to continue moving away from you rather than returning.

* Meet ENs
* Do what can be done to make the affair less viable, attacking it anywhere there is a weakness
* Avoid Love Busters and negative reactions that will allow the affair to gain ground and strength
* Keep the goal in sight while not expecting any single effort to suddenly break the game wide open.

Even when you score, the game continues until the gun sounds. It is the one who is ahead at the end of the game that is the winner and you will only win or lose by continuing to try to win until you hear that gun go off. Giving up because the play didn't go as planned is what will cause you to lose for sure. You might not win if you do everything right, but if you stop trying because you thought it would be easier or you thought that the previous play would work differently, you are certain to lose in the end.


Hope=Restored marriage
Expectation=Anticipated reaction to a single act

Focus on the former and let go of the latter.

Mark