Forgiveness should be earned by both of you. No one has to forgive unless that happens. His affair does not justify yours and yours does not justify his. But just compensation has to be made. Did you read the article?

Did he have his affair too because of unmet needs? You were the cause of his affair?

Thought you should read this post from the other thread, pianogal


I agree, tst. That was an amazingly angry, fogged out post written by a wayward mind. Accepting responsibility for your crime is the first step in recovery and you have not even taken the first basic step.

You blame your husband and as long as he is to blame, you are not responsible. You don't even admit that you CHOSE to be a liar, deceiver and manipulator, home wrecker. You didn't do that, the "affair" did that. That is fogged out bullcrap that we hear from folks who are still in an affair.

If you are a "God fearing woman" you will stop lying, stop blameshifting and get honest. This is not honesty.

Also, does your H still have the same assistant band director? Because if they are still working together that is a problem.

I have more thoughts but my medicine is kicking in. Oh! Speaking of that, no, a future appointment with a doc does not mean just don't try until then. I have type I bipolar disorder, and I guarantee you that we have a "no excuses for the crazy lady" (or diabetic man) at our house.

Go back and read on the other thread...I answered your question there. You are flaming mad, failing to read everything I said, and taking a few words out of context.

I take full responsibility for my morally wrong and inappropriate reactions in dealing with my marital problems.

And no, I haven't had time to read the article yet. I plan on it though. Thanks.

PG01

Oh, I read your words alright! Let me know what you think of the article. There is some good stuff in there!

Ok...I might get 2 x 4ed for this, but I saw TO's post as simply curious...Sounds like he is crying out for help because he has been thinking of an affair because he is unhappy but wants to make his marriage work.

I am a FWW who just joined these forums. I just bought Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair" yesterday. I am halfway through the book already and something that stands out at me is that Dr. Harley shows empathy for all parties and his philosophy that there is fault in ALL parties of an affair: the BS, the WS, and the OP. Affairs stem from the BS's not meeting important ENs. Does that give the WS an excuse??? No. Does that justify an affair...ABSOLUTELY NOT. But he said also that given the right circumstances ANYONE can have an affair. We are wired for it. That is why both spouses meeting ENs and keeping our spouse's love banks over 1000 is soooo important. He also teaches that attacking, arguing, and condemning gets you nowhere. WS's come here for support...BS's come here for support...We are all battling on one side of an affair or the other. And we are ALL hurting in some form or fashion, but we wouldn't be here if we didn't want to get through it. We all need support and encouragement. I get frustrated reading all these "holier than thou" posts because they are the BS and could control themselves while the WS is dirt. GOOD people have affairs every day. Dr. Harley says it in his book. Are they good people while in the affair. NO WAY. Affairs turn good people into liars, deceivers, manipulators, home-wreckers...the list goes on and on..

I am a God-fearing woman who loves the Lord. Neither I nor my spouse had the knowledge and tools or maturity to prevent an affair on both sides. Yes, we both cheated.

WS's wouldn't be here if they didn't want help...BS's wouldn't be here either...and sometimes a POSSIBLE FUTURE WS contemplating an affair needs to come here too for support and help...which I think TO is in this situation.

All I can say to TO right now is...DON'T DO IT. It's not worth the pain and suffering you will cause yourself and your spouse, children, family, and friends. Hang around here...read the QA columns, buy the books "Surviving an Affair," and "His Needs, Her Needs..." You may think the "SAA" book does not apply because you have not had an affair yet...but it does...it paints a picture for you to help you see what will happen if you have an affair and gives you knowledge and tools to prevent an affairP before it happens. READ BOTH BOOKS!

Peace and God Bless,
PG01

PG01
And this is the post of a flaming mad, entitled, still foggy, former wayward. Affairs do not TURN good people into liars, deceivers, manipulators and home wreckers, your own actions did that....

Affairs do not STEM from the BS not meeting the WS needs, they may help create the environment that give the WS the EXCUSE for their affair...The affair STEMMED from the WS having poor boundaries. It is not the BS' fault t hat the WS had an affair. The WS had horrible boundaries and felt entitled and was SELFISH!

Dr. Harley respects the WS because if he didnt how far would he get counseling them. He has to show them empathy or they wont talk to him....He is trying to save marriages. His philosophy as you say, is NOT that the BS has FAULT in their WS affair...he says it contributes to the environment that caused the WS to cheat. Different. The BS did not cause the affair...The WS did that all by their lonesome.

My needs were not being met...I DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR because I had boundaries in place for myself!!!

I clarified myself in the "Apologies" thread.

I will choose my words more carefully next time.

I apologize for offending you.

Thanks.

PG01

No...the inappropriate thing (my husband refuses to call it an A of any sort) with the assistant band director that resulted in no physical intimacy or affection of any sort towards me for 2 years after my daughter was born happened 9-11 years ago. We have since moved to a different town that is an hour and a half away. He has a different job with a male assistant director at this time.

That really was offensive. Do you hear yourself? Do you hear yourself after reading all the articles posted here or after reading only the first pages of SAA? If you have to choose your words then you are still very very foggy. Once you realize that the words do not have to be chosen.

Are you NC with your OM?

From the Apologies thread where stillhere, Melodylane, and I were having another conversation:


I was telling stillhere that my reply to another thread was clarified over there. I was not trying to be rude.

I am new at this...Just started reading the articles and the book "Surviving an Affair," and I am still learning...and yes, I am in NC with OM. Have you read this entire thread? I can get over-detailed and long winded at times...There is a long version and shortened version of my story in this thread, and other details.

Thanks,
PGO1

Keep reading Piano. You'll slowly get it. In the meantime you'll be called out on any foggy statements that you throw out here. You may not realize how foggy they may sound but we've heard it all soooo many times. Main thing to realize is that we WANT your M to improve. We want you to have the best M possible. Habits are hard to break especially the habits of how we think and react. It's a long process.

I don't remember. Did you say somewhere that all spouses of the affair partners know about the A's? if they don't, they should.

Here are some of Dr harleys Q&As that may help you

How to Overcome Sexual Aversion

How Can I Recover Sexual Desire for My Husband after My Affair?

I feel for you. I am a BH. I was also sexually assualted when i was 14 by a man. I thought I was interviewing for a lawn care job.

I can tell you without a doubt that my WW affair was a BILLION times more harmful to me than getting pinned down and raped by another man.

The abuse happened one time by a stranger I never saw again. My WW abuses me every time I would see his number on the phone bill. Or I looked at her old messages on FB. It could be as simple as her not being transparent about her whereabouts. I just assume she is sneaking around to get to that animal.

I know that sexual abuse can bring some very unsavory primal emotions out. I get that. My WWs affair brought way more out though. Just because she was the person I loved most in the world that I vowed to spend the rest of my life with. Everyday she isnt commiting back to the M is liked getting raped by your best friend. Then having to line up to take it again the next day. Thats the horror of my plan a.

I know you didnt ask for my story. I just wanted to communicate the pain that the A caused your husband. It didnt justify his actions though.

I think your on the path to helping your M now and hopefully he can get on the recovery bus as well.


Someone has the break the stalemate. My WW and I had a mexican needs standoff while she was having her affair. I saw her change so I started holding back on her needs. That just pushed her into the OMs arms. If I had only known he was there I could have done something.

What im proposing is YOU change first. its sounds like SF is your mans biggest need. try to POJA a solution to SF that allows you to feel safe and meets his need at the same time. If intercourse is too difficult for you maybe you could meet his need in another way. Or he could change the foreplay to make you more in the mood. Maybe you could use some toy on him. The details arent important. The important thing is maybe brainstorming a way that you could reach an enthusiastic agreement. If it involved him getting his rocks off then he probably will be inclined to discuss it.

Try not to be too hard on your WH for wanting sex as well. Its a basic male need. It builds up over the course of a few days so it feels you HAVE to have sex.

Im not a doctor but I was also prescibed an anti depressant for and erectile dysfunction (too quick on the draw). maybe he could go to his family doctor and get on a low grade anti depressant. I was prescribed 50 mg of zoloft a day. This will cut the sex drive some. Maybe with this he could lower the frequency a bit.

I feel for your sexual adversion because ive been there. So im just tossing out a bunch of ideas for you to brainstorm on.

Best of luck to you.