Better not be talking about me. Bloviating and gossiping about someones pain and loss should be a MB "no no", too.
I am sorry all those things happened to you. I believe you.

-- I will go over to your other post and explain.

has TO left the building?

Tom, I'm a BS as well feeling all the pain that goes with this situation.....it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest at time.......sometimes I didn't know how I would get through the day.......
I accept you apology because I realize that if you haven't been in the position you would not know the effect it would have on you, I hope it never happens to you....
It is a purely selfish act and hurts everyone else very deeply and permanently, it's hard to recover from the trust issues, the lies.....and it leaves you with many self esteem issues.....just to name a few.......
Don't ever even think that having an affair is the right answer, I would suggest you read the book The 5 languages of Love and figure out what you are missing when it comes to your spouses needs, I'm sure when you start meeting their needs it will change your marriage and you will get back what you want as well, 1 person can change things, good luck.........

I was going to post some thoughts on my thread over in the "Divorcing/Divorced" forum, because that's where my wife's affair led us, but now I'll just write them here.

My reaction to this thread (and pianogal's addendum) has been almost visceral.

The divorce was final just a little over a week ago. The ruin that my wife's affair caused not only ripped apart my heart, self-esteem and dreams, but also alienated neighbors, relatives, friends and co-workers.

I lost my job due to my inability to focus on work. My health has taken a turn for the worse and I now have no health insurance. There are places I used to like to go to I now refuse to go because I do not want to run into her. And I'm the one who's doing well...

She alienated her own family. She had an affair with a married man, which caused difficulty in his own family. Their affair is pretty well over, from the rumors I've heard. So she's now left with children who do not respect her, a shattered career, a mountain of debt and little hope for any sort of stable future any time soon.

All because she decided she was "entitled" to "feel better" and turn her back on responsibilities, boundaries, common sense and adult behavior. The ripple effect of her short-term actions will have long-lasting ramifications. At the very minimum, there are six children, two betrayed spouses and one adult child who have had their lives forever altered. They didn't ask for this. They didn't have a say in it. IT WASN'T FAIR TO THEM.

I have chosen to recover. I will get better, find work, make a better life for myself. But my perspective on relationships will never be the same again. I doubt that I will ever marry again.

No, deciding to have an affair because one is "unhappy" is the ultimate in selfish, self-centered, ego-driven, entitlement mindset. I will never have any respect for someone I learn has had or is having an affair.

I'm so sorry Fred.

I'm so sorry, Fred. I had the same visceral reaction. Not because I have been a victim of an affair, but because I am a decent person who hates cruelty and injustice. There is no excuse for an affair, period. Decent people are outraged by injustice....and they are supposed to be.


{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{FRED}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{Fred}}}}} I know how bad it hurts.....Take care.

Thanks for the hugs, luri & ML.

But really, I'm doing OK. Honest.

Much to my surprise, my garden is doing well. Just yesterday one of the neighbors admired my "green thumb." Heck, all I know how to do is water the plants!

Today I learned a great deal about sewing and mending. I had a button that needed refastening, and a velcro patch that needed affixing.

Last night the neighbors threw an "end of school year" bonfire (the kids get to burn their papers and projects) to which I was invited. Yummy food and great company.

Today I took one of the neighbors and his son to the airport - they are going away on a Boy Scout outing.

My back is slowly improving. I'm registered to run a 5K next weekend, and I haven't given up on the idea yet...

Tomorrow is Fathers Day; my daughter was supposed to be away at a wedding but chose not to go. She hasn't said anything about doing something together, but I have the day free.

As I said in my post, above, "I'm the one who's doing well." My heart and my body are on the mend. My spirit is soaring.

But hugs are always welcomed with thanks!

I couldn't agree on the "has had". I have great respect for those who repent of their affairs. There are people who post here, who were given the chance to rebuild their marriages and who have done a good job. They actively love their spouses in their very actions and they change their own lives and attitudes, so that the cruel entitlement mentality cannot find head space.

If you don't have any respect for someone you learn has had an affair, you can never rebuild your marriage with your WS, and I believe that for some time, Fred, you wanted to rebuild yours.

My H is far from a model MBer, but he has changed his behaviour and works daily to honour me and our kids, and I have great respect for him now.

I stand corrected, Sugar Cane. As I posted, I was thinking of unrepentant waywards. I know several. I want nothing to do with them.

You are correct in your observation of those who have repented. Some of them do the best work here, and I applaud them for that.

Please accept my modified stance on those who "have had" affairs.

EVERYBODY makes mistakes....its how you handle them that gets my respect....I have NO respect for my WH right now....But if he came home and did everything he could to make it right by my DS and I, how could I not respect that (not gonna happen, but anyway). But his continuing to be selfish and entitled and cheat he has lost a lot of peoples respect.

Of course, Fred!

Jess,
my wife has read the book about the 5 love languages. It has come up many many a time in conversations. She is all about the words of affirmation, which I am not at all good at, I try, but sometimes I have to force myself to. I am about acts of service, which she has admitted that she is not as good at, but she tries.

Can you make a note to yourself that you will praise your wife 10 times each day? And keep track. This will get you into the practice of doing this until it becomes a habit and you're doing it more frequently.


Does she know what you want out of acts of service?

10 times a day.......
If I can make an effort to praise her 3 times a day without her prompting that would be an improvement.

Well Tom I think it is all about how your view things and her, if you want things to work, don't keep a check list of things she does wrong, admire her for her and the things she is good at.......
It's hard I know when you feel resentment which builds up over the years.....maybe that's more you and not her, maybe she is just trying to be herself.....accept her for who she is ...........
I know you think about not being together and that right now is not something that is a real feeling right now, but think about your life without her, without your marriage, think you would be happier?
Or do you think you would be hurting and feeling alone........
We never think of the after and what it will really be like.......
What about the book the Love Dare or the movie Fireproof.......1 person can change things .........you can have the best marriage in the world if you think and act in a loving way......she will respond to you like she never has.....
Try it