Why are you thinking of having an affair then?

We�re not talking romantic in the way of bringing flowers and waxing poetic. We�re talking about romantic love between you and your spouse.
You have to:
1. meet each others most important emotional needs (which she is not to you and I would assume you are not meeting something that she needs also) and
2. Avoid hurting each other

You are hurting in your marriage because of this financial issue. Rarely is this one sided. I�m sure if you started to fill out the emotional needs questionnaire, you will find you are not meeting some of her needs.

In order to create romantic love in your marriage, you need to start getting in 15 hours of undivided attention to each other. And during this time, you should be engaging in conversation, affection, and sexual fulfillment. However, you two have a breakdown because-

You do not want to be sexually intimate with her because of the baby issue. So you�re not having sex with her. This is extremely selfish. And you�re with holding conversation from her�honest conversation. Aside from that, how many people do you know that are extremely stressed are great conversationalists?

You can not assume that if you are miserable she is not picking up on this and is just happy go lucky and thinks everything is fine. She is prob doing the same thing you are and not saying anything. How long do you think this will go on before you two start really at each others throats and start resenting each other even more than you are now.

Why do you want to hide the fact that you are miserable in your marriage from her? Do you really assume she has no idea? Even if you weren�t stressed out about financial issues, why wouldn�t you want a better marriage? Do you have any idea what her top needs are? If you don�t address this, your marriage will break down and you�ll have to look in the mirror realizing you contributed to its demise when you could�ve started the solution.

Outstanding post, KT.

Just to give the other posters here a complete picture, Tom is thinking about having an affair and started a thread on SAA asking if we had sympathy for cheaters.

here

I cannot understand this line of thinking. People usually take a mental break in the form of 2 weeks ..NOT 3 months.

So...I guess you are taking an "eating break" too? No money....no food...

I am sure that if you call your creditors and the utility companies that they will understand and not insist that you pay....since you are taking a mental break from work.

This reeks of entitlement to me...and I find that people that have this type of mindset are just one step away from other actions that reek of entitlement (affairs).

JMHO
committed

I don't think you read through his thread before jumping down his throat. He's a teacher. He gets paid summers off. So he's bringing in a paycheck.

If money is really that tight, you should get a summer job.
Lots of teachers are teachers because they make a higher-than-average income for a college graduate, and they have 3 months off. Some prefer to work 12 months, and some prefer to make 9 months' income and have the summers off.

If you really need the money as a family, then you work a summer job and remove that financial stress. Expecting your wife to earn as much as you do and sitting on you butt until she does is really a form of scorekeeping, out of, as the title says, resentment. If she can't find a job and you can, you should work. Even if she could find a better job but hasn't, and you could find a summer job, you should work. Even if she finds a full time job for the summer, you should work, too.

That's just my view of work.

I could be wrong but I'm going to assume he's getting paid for 12 months out of the year. In Oklahoma and many states, they do not offer anything other than receiving your salary over 12 months.


He also said he�s taking classes (I assume for a higher ed degree). He also has to do professional development and work on curriculum over the summer, so he�s not just sitting idly doing nothing the entire time. I typically only carry a part time job if I get really bored because I�m receiving my normal check throughout the entire year.

And I�m not sure why you say that teachers earn higher than average salaries for college graduates. Maybe if they�re coming out with a liberal arts degree and being an asst. manager at McDonalds. And even then, I�m only earning a few more thousand a year than that person. I could make more money being a manager of a convenience store.

I�m also taking on a masters program�not for pay advancement in the classroom but so I don�t have to pay back student loans yet. When I earn my masters degree, I will earn a nice $1700 more a year compared to my bachelors. And if I had a Ph.D. I�d earn $2200 more a year compared to having a bachelors.


I think some of you are missing what�s going on here. Yes, he can get a summer job to fill in a financial gap. However, his wife is only working part time and he would like her to work more. She went from working fulltime to not working much. Aside from that, he is afraid to be honest with her about what he wants. So the issue is not he needs to run out and get a job but that he needs to address his fear of being honest with his wife. She has no idea that he wants her to get a fulltime job.

I don't think that I jumped down his throat. Was I "to the point"...indeed I was.

Teachers don't necessarily get paid summers off. ONLY if they opt to be a 12 month employee. He is complaining about financial situations and he has the opportunity to fix that by... GETTING A SUMMER JOB.

His quote from the first entry on this thread

He has options available to him to fix some of the problems. Why can't he get a job?

committed

OK, I have to jump in here because this is a PET PEEVE of mine. I know ZERO teachers who sit around eating bon bons all summer. We go to workshops, plan for the next year, do training, work in our classrooms, etc. Teaching children all day long (even though I love it) is not like sitting a a bank or in an office interacting with adults, having meetings, and going to working lunches. You are ON all day long....and long after the bells rings. I have often challenged my friends who do the "must be nice to work from 8-3 and get 3 months off" thing to come take over a classroom for just one month and then see what they think. And for the amount of schooling that most teachers do in relation to other professional positions....the salary is definitely not going to make you rich. Ever.

Okay, now that I got that off my chest, Tom, you are a teacher. So you have seen what effect teachers who don't want to be there have on kids. Why in the world would you want your wife to be a teacher if she doesn't want to teach? There are other things that can be done full time to bring in income. Believe me, I feel your pain. I have been the primary breadwinner (I am a teacher) in our house for several years. It's tough. But if someone is going to work every day all day, it really shouldn't be something they hate. Maybe you two can investigate other things.

You say that if you had enough money, everything would be fixed. I don't buy it, and deep down I don't think you do either. You sound very unhappy, and it doesn't sound like your wife is super happy either. After several years of marriage, we sometimes come to realize that real life is....real life. But the MB concepts can really really help....if you do them. You say you can't see yourself sitting down filling out those forms. Can you see yourself in divorce court? Can you see yourself miserable until death do us part? Can you see yourself detroying quite a few lives by being unfaithful (physically OR emotionally)?

Do NOT do what I did. Do not hold onto resentment and misery because being willing to work on it is harder than staying miserable. Don't let one of those nice colleagues become an OW. Take action NOW to work on your M. It will be MUCH less painful than the other options.

Tom, you really need to find a way to get honest with your wife about how you feel. It is not fair to be upset with her for not doing something that you have not asked her to do.

She may want to be a stay at home mom or perhaps she is stressed about not having work as well. You two should be talking honestly about this stuff.

There is a way to ask her that will be less likely to hurt her feelings. Could you say, "I am concerned about money because of X Y and Z. Can we sit down and talk about some ways to address this issue? I am really stressed about it and would like your help in figuring things out."

t/j Manalive, anyone who can put up with those brats for 9 months out of the year deserves 6 months off, IMO!! I would be arrested the first day so I admire anyone who can put up with that crap that long.

Thank you teachers!!

I consider it jumping down his throat. You consider it "to the point". We'll just agree to disagree.



Most teachers get paid all year. Most states have gone away from giving teachers the option to get paid for 9 months instead of 12. So I know assuming isn't always smart...I'm assuming he's getting 12 months salary. Even Texas, which has always been a pay option state went away from only 9 months salary a few years ago.





It�s very true that he could get a summer job. I�m not saying that he can�t help with his financial fears. However, they have no kids to take care of so they don�t need someone at home. His wife has worked fulltime up till the end of this year. So it�s not like she hasn�t been working and all the sudden he wants her to get a job. He has stated she was worked part time but has not actively sought out to get fulltime employment. So why can�t she also go and look for fulltime employment? Everyone is focused on how selfish he is being. I realize that he is the one that is here. I realize that he is behaving selfishly. However, his wife is also being selfish. There is no reason why she is not working fulltime.

The bigger issue here is not the work issue. It�s the lack of communication and honesty in the marriage. It seems that�s getting side stepped and we�re focusing on him going and getting a job and that�s going to fix everything.

I work 9 months (according to the school calendar). I get paid for 9 month's worth of work. That pay is stretched - or prorated - over 12 months. So in the summer I am getting paid for work I already did, not for being off. When you add in shutting down the room and paperwork and starting up the year and classroom before students come, we're talking about 8 weeks (maybe) that I could go work at JC Penney or something. And that is not factoring in training that we are "encouraged" to attend, classes we may be talking, or workshops we may lead (I am leading one in a few weeks). So this idea of a teacher getting rich with all that down time......not real life. I don't know what it is like to be a dentist or understand how their careers really work. Which I why I don't pretend I do. If you aren't a teacher, chances are there are quite a few things about the job works that you may not know. We work hard, we do stuff during the summer. And yes, we have some time off. And yes, it might be more time than a banker or manager or doctor. Every job has its perks. Every job has it's challenges. I love what I do. I love my kids that I teach. I don't love feeling like I should defend it. So I'll stop now.

And I'm trying to imagine us living off just my salary....uh, no.

Tom, it appears you are choosing to hurt your marriage in order to make life easier on yourself in the short term, and frankly, that's going to backfire on you BIG TIME. I say you're choosing to hurt the marriage because you are being dishonest with your wife about your frustrations right now.

Please sit down and fill out the questionnaires with your wife, AFTER you have both read the Basic Concepts in their entirety! You want to be happy? That's your best chance.

Will you just do that?

We'll help you with how to share them with each other so that it is a productive exercise, and not destructive. Okay?

Oh whatever! You know you make an above average salary for a college graduate and have all this time off. Gaw! I know you sit around eating bon bons and watch Opera everyday during the summer.

I just read The Wiggles were school teachers and did their musical tours on summer breaks. What's your excuse?

Wow....The teacher bashing began. First, here, school last 10 months out of the year not 9 like it used to. We also get paid so that we can make it through the summer (It is come August that I am worried about). Summer is down to 8 months. I am working on a class that is about 2 weeks long. So that reduces my "summer" to 6 weeks. I am not going to get into what I should or should not do with that time, thats a whole 'nother issue, that if you are not a teacher, shut up about. My salary is enough to pay the mortgage, truck payment, student loans(they are signficantly high), and maybe one other bill. So no, it is not near enough to live on. And I have a Masters Degree and still thats all I make it.

As for the information on the site. There were many comments in reference to the emotional needs. I fully read through that. I am not suprised at what I read at all. I did not take the survey, but I know us pretty well and believe I could pinpoint both hers and mine. I know that without a doubt financial stability is my number one emotional need. I am a simple person, with simple material wants (I'm pretty cheap, don't spend much money), but I know I will not be happy in life if I have to worry about money. I could have the best relationship in the world, but it wouldnt matter if there are money worries.

As a sidenote, those concerned about the withholding sex aspect, that was taken care of, hopefully wont be an issue for another couple weeks. I'm doing what I can to try and keep her happy through all of this.
There has to be some good redeeming quality about that. I don't understand how someone reffered to that as selfish.

hi, Tom. i've read your original posts in SAA category, plus your "apologies" thread, and i'm glad you're here.

it sounds like you know where you're failing: not a good communicator, withholding affection, avoiding intimacy, and i'll get back to that.

being sheerly practical, here: you say your wife NEEDS to go back to work. would you both be willing to, say, pare down your budget (turn off the cable, cancel your magazine subscriptions, do without vacations, etc.) to enable her to stay home? WHY does she want to stay home? do you have young kids that would benefit from being home with mom? can she earn enough to make childcare expenses worthwhile? do you think she wants to have a baby in order to JUSTIFY staying home?

OR has she always expected to be a homemaker?

basically, is it remotely feasible that she COULD stay home, if she were willing to do without some stuff? or is she maybe feeling resentful towards you for some other reason (affection, communication, etc.) and is using this financial situation to control you and make you feel guilty for not supporting her adequately?

is she a GOOD homemaker? would she treat it like a career and make it her responsibility to make your home a comfortable, inviting, and enjoyable place for you? could you stand being broke and happy if your home was a joyful place? would she derive satisfaction from cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, organizing your sock drawer? or does she just not want to WORK?

i know that's a lot of questions--they're not rhetorical, either. i'd like to get some background before i start spouting opinions.

I'm going to hit you with a gentle 2x4: if having enough money is so important to your happiness, then do something about it yourself. Lower your needs, increase your income, whatever. FS is NOT an intimate need. What I mean by that is that FS (financial support) is a need that you can provide for yourself, unlike the intimate needs of:

Affection
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Sexual Fulfillment

Was your wife aware that you required her financial support when you married? Were you broke and needed her to pay your bills? Or did you absorb her income and raise your standard of living to include her income?

Lower your living to match your income. Problem solved! Then you won't have to resent your wife, because you keep that up and she leaves? You're screwed.

Ok, I need to clear something up. It is not that my wife doesn't want to work. She does, she is not the strictly stay at home type. She doesn't know what she wants to do, what will make her happy. The problem right now is that there are not a lot of job options out there. This is not the time in life to be choosy. Do I really enjoy my job, not for the most part. It is what I am qualified to do and there are parts of it that I like, but I will not leave this job until I have another one that pays as well or better to go to.
No, there are no kids involved at this point, and no, she is not the greatest homemaker either. That is a whole other can of stressful worms. We went through this a couple years ago when she did not get a teaching job until into the school year. It was stressful, she worked part time, and was not great around the house. Our expenses were not as much back then either because we did not owna house yet. Now we do, which brought about more expenses which we can handle just fine as long as she is bringing in a teachers salary.

She was already teaching and I was a student when we married. I would love to make enough money myself, but as a teacher that is hard to do. I have considered going back to school to become a Princial (I would make enough at that point), but again, that would take money to pay for it now, and I am not taking out loans for school again.
My standard of living is not high, I simply want to be able to pay all of the bills. I don't really buy extras, we don't vacation, my goal this summer was to stay home most of the time so I don't spend money going places or using gas in the truck. Which is kinda how I am most of the time anyway.