i feel like this warrants its own topic. anyone? thoughts? experiences? i've been trying to discreetly search other posts for info, but haven't found anything. anyone?

umm, some normality at around 12 months post recovery, and getting better. Still not always as it was pre A but getting there.

Not much help sorry.

Well. There was a fair amount of, um, shall we say 'rabbit activity' at first. (That hysterical bonding thingy.) Things settled down after about 3 months post d-day. Having new knowledge, of course, we make sure that particular need is met.

hey, every little bit counts. if there's a better category to post this in, let me know and i'll ask the mods. it's sort of awkward to discuss and i know people aren't likely to get volunteer info re personal stuff, nor do i want them to--i'm looking for info on how mental and emotional recovery impact desire.

Betrayed spouses:

did you ever want your WS sexually but hate them emotionally?

did sex with your WS ever TRIGGER emotional resentment because of the inevitable realization that they had sex with someone else?

ever use sexual demands as a tool to induce guilt in your WS?

respect your WS less for enjoying sex with YOU after their affair?

1. YES. Except the use of the word "hate" is very telling on your part.
I did not hate my spouse ( mostly ) but I was about as mad as I ever was with anyone. I wanted to screw his brains out .... And I did try. But, his brains did not escape his cranium. Angry sex. Make that aggressive angry sex. Lasted probably up to six months. But not " every time", if you get my drift.

2. Sex trigger emotional resentment? Yes. Those mental images were not pleasant. Usually, I would cry during sex. And, that helped recovery. It bought some emotional intimacy into the bedroom, and eventually the re-runs in my mind were extinguished. Believe it or not, KISSING was way worse a trigger than the humping and pumping.

3. "Sexual demands" .... As a tool to induce guilt? I'm not sure what you mean here.
I suspect that because you are a FWW you are referring to your H "demanding" oral? Or something like that? I can't say I recall making sexual demands. BUT ... As a betrayed wife, I sure did a fair share ( or more than fair share) of teasing.
As in: " You see this?" ( me dressed in something sexy) .... " Well, dream on mister, you ain't getting this because you did not value this."
I'd say that particular phase was VERY short lived. Probably under a month.

4. Respect, and the reclaiming my respect was not ever calibrated by his enjoyment of sex with me post-adultery.

I hope this helps you.

I will talk to you about this. I posted all about it on my thread so here goes. It is touchy.


You bet. I had been neglected for so many years and sex had been very sparse and when he was home and I knew why he had never tried to work with me all I wanted to do was have sex and I did not care if I even liked him or not. I felt like I could separate my emotional self from my sexual self and I did and it was pretty darned good but not what it ought to be.


Of course it did. What was worse, he did not even have sex with me like the old guy. It was totally different because every one of his A's was with a prostitute and they don't do anything remotely emotional. No kissing, pretty much in and out and he also made funny noises that I unkindly referred to as "dirt bag rutting sounds" and I did not want to hear them. I think he was as weirded out as I was about the whole thing and yes, I was angry at times and resentful. Broke down a few times either during or after. AO'd the heck out of him a few times. In other words it changes things very much BUT I hear it gets better and better. Right now I have been having some real fear issues and not feeling safe so it has been a while but I think that is about to be remedied soon.


Perhaps, not certain but I darned well wanted him to know that I was not frigid like he told everyone.


I don't understand this one. Why would you? I lost respect for him over what he did before D Day but since it has been coming back as he works the program.




[/quote]

Pepperband you just made me blow pop out of my nose.

Full disclosure I havent had SF with my wife since D Day. I KNEW something was going on long before by her actions though. Ill share them here



Betrayed spouses:

did you ever want your WS sexually but hate them emotionally?
As a man very much so. I NEEDED SF. I owuld want it 2 or 3 times a week. I would get it 2 or 3 times a YEAR. When i did it was guilt sex anyways. She would want something. So she said if ou buy me this bra ill let you buy this lingerie and ill wear it for you tonite. BOOM out goes the credit card. I was basically buying sex from my wife the last 2 years.

did sex with your WS ever TRIGGER emotional resentment because of the inevitable realization that they had sex with someone else?
I would try to kiss my WW. I LOVED to kiss. She wouldnt let me. Immediatly after she would also roll over. No snuggling bo purring sound she use to make. Just Goodnight BH.

ever use sexual demands as a tool to induce guilt in your WS?
I can tell you it bothered the heck out of me she would tell me she wasnt comfortable kissing because of her mouth surgery. Then i find out she had little problem kissing him. Shocker. So if we ever get back there again Ill be wanting kisses. Im willing to be patient with her but eventually Ill want her to fill that need.

respect your WS less for enjoying sex with YOU after their affair?
Cant answer this.


We talk on this board about the most intimate and personal betrayal that is possible to couples. Sex is SUCH a small part of that. The emotional betrayal is a billion times worse than the physical for me.

So if I can talk about how hurt I am that im auditioning for my wife and how she stabbed my M to death with her actions cousing permanent damage to My child and I I got no problem discussing SF.

Sergeant Pepper, this helps IMMENSELY.

check this out: i'm the wayward one here. H and I are basically rebuilding our emotional and romantic attachment basically from the ground up, and that's going ADMIRABLY--we've got stuff to work through, naturally, but we ARE working through it. we're practically newlyweds. so i feel like the sex issue needs to get resolved ASAP, because what newlyweds have bad sex, right? here's the deal:

in the first few months or so following H's discovery of my affair, he made it clear that:

he DID in fact hate me,

that he found me disgusting as a person regardless of how i look (i'm pretty, incidentally),

that he was resorting to me out of sheer biological necessity,


and that any reluctance on my part would be an unspoken admission that i was still "getting it" from OM,

and that it followed logically that if i WERE still running around with OM, H would not be responsible for his actions.

so, yeah, sex was really, really unpleasant emotionally. it sucks to submit to sex w/ someone who TELLS you they don't like you. but i like sex, and my physical reaction would often get the better of my emotional reactions, you follow? but if i showed signs that i actively enjoyed it, H would look at me with disgust afterwards and i could FEEL his fury. or he'd stop cold half-way through and storm out of the room, saying "f this, i can't do this." it's still like that 2 years later.

i'm making him sound like some kind of evil manipulative a55h0le, and that's not the case at all. he's a great man, and we've made tremendous progress in every other area of our relationship. sex is a trigger for him. he's told me that he cannot get physically close to me without imagining me with OM. i'm afraid to initiate anything, i'm afraid to be physically affectionate, i'm afraid to respond to him and i'm afraid not to.

we had excellent sex before my affair, and physically, as much as i hate to admit it, it's still great. but afterwards i go walk in the woods and sit by the pond and cry.

Only once. It was the day he finally confessed the "truth" that the A was indeed a PA, not a EA like he had "tried" to lead me to believe for months. It was an awful day, and before you know it we were having sex. I did tell him "I hate you"...... And in that moment I did. I hated what he had become, I hated what he had done to me, our family, but mostly at that moment I hated him because even after all he had done I still wanted him in a sexual way.....at a moment when I felt like i shouldn't have. It's never happened since......


Ummmmm..... Not really. Fortunately, those "mind-movies" didn't haunt me during sex. It probably helped that *I* never asked for those details. I didn't want them. I had the answers I needed.....disclaimer: this is only what I needed for me. I fully agree that if the BS wants those details the WS should be forthcoming.....


Uhmmmmm.....unsure of what you mean here, though what I am thinking is the same as Pep. I'm sure WW go through this than WH's since SF is usually a higher EN for men.



Nope......in fact, I was quite relieved that he still did/does.

Not

I think a BH has way more problems reclaiming a wife's body after she has been physically wayward.
That is, compared to what I went through as a BW.

Let me offer you a rather silly comparison.
During my H's adultery, they did it in our truck.
Once I knew that, I would squirm and feel physically SICK sitting in that truck.Nothing could wash that truck clean enough for me.
We sold it.

Now, replace that truck for your body.
Your H loves your body.
But his enjoyment of your body was ruined by the adultery.
But, he cannot sell it or replace it with something else.

He is in a very tricky spot, as are you.

Time, patience and a huge daily spoonful of empathy are called for.
But, you already know that, don'cha?

Like I said, I had more problems with kissing.
I love kissing my H.
But the first year of kissing my H after we started recovery, every time we kissed, I'd think about where his mouth had been.


So, again, be patient, give it more time, and have empathy.

Please, take care.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Here's a suggestion.
Keep your eyes open and focused on your H at ALL TIMES during sex.
Do not close your eyes.
Focus on him.
Let him know you are looking at him, not adrift in your thoughts with your eyes closed.

He will not trust you are thinking about him if your eyes are closed and you are busy moaning, or something.

If he asks what you are looking at, say " I am looking at you."

Stop doing the escape to the pond business.
Let him see you cry.
It is honest.
So show it.

Cry during sex if you feel like it.
No more charades.

SF is basically non-existant for us at the moment. Mostly my choice. It's just not something I need at this point in time. FWW has indicated that she would "do it" if I wanted to, but that's very different to desire.

I did experience those "movies" earlier on in our "recovery", and sometimes during SF. Really put a damper on the activity.

Thank you RN for posting this, it could not be at a better time for me. I would have started my own thread but maybe you are right keeping the sex issues to one thread is better. I love all the responses so far.

My H and I both have very high sex drives, which has always been awesome. Normally one partner doesn't want it as much as the other. We both, up until recently, wanted it at least once a day and this has been for our entire relationship. I love sex.

Even during his A our sex life never changed, it remained often and great. I think I posted this somewhere already, sorry for the repeat. He and the OW never had actual intercourse, it was strictly oral, him doing her, he could not even get excited when she tried to give him a BJ. He was unable to get an erection no matter what they did or tried.

So after D-Day we did that "sexual bonding". I felt as if I was reclaiming what was mine, to do it more often than what we already did was almost comical (looking back on it).

Now all of a sudden I cannot have an "O". I feel nothing, I fight tears the whole time, I fight horrible mind movies. I know the sex was not good for them, yet in these stupid mind movies I make it great. So this thread is helpful to read what others did and again it always helps to know you are not alone in this

We are reaching the one year mark for d-day and I am not sure if that has anything to do with it.

Reading all these answers gives me hope that this too will be part of the healing process and we will get it back. I just hate that the one thing we were always so perfectly matched at and enjoyed so much has been taken from us.

So does anyone have any other tips to help us overcome this or I should say help me to overcome this. I read in another thread where one MB member who was big into "fantasies" actually used the mind movies to help her get excited, yes I know that would not be for everyone. So much has already been taken from us that we are trying to rebuild or heal from just does not seem fair that this is effected too.

I am having a difficult time with SF also. I saw photos on D day, about 200, of them having sex. I never looked again, but 11 months later I still see the images.

your bit in bold there sums it up...i just read one of my own posts that said something like, "we used have great sex before my affair" and that put things in perspective. why did i risk that? how did i not foresee the inevitable consequences???

HalfUnit, it sounds like you've got a keen grasp on the physical and emotional realities of your situation--it's easy for someone on the outside to point out that your WH got no satisfaction from OW so you should KNOW you've got the upper hand as far as sex is concerned, but i know that's easier said than done. i know it's got to be infuriating that you can't enjoy it right now, either.

i hope you guys get back what HE lost for you. you sound like a great wife!

listen, i read a crazy-long and quite technical post by Mark1852 called "Managing Memories"--i can't find the link but i'll send it to you when i do; it's directed primarily to BSs and has sound neurological principles backing it up. it's basically how you can deliberately link certain emotions with certain triggers--so if you give a fantastic BJ and you know it, for instance, you can simultaneously link the thought of oral sex with pride, prowess, satisfying your husband, expecting satisfaction yourself, while also severing the mental connection between oral sex=OW. i'm not explaining it well at all--this Mark character is apparently some sort of MB genius. i'll send you the link.

sound advice. i say his name a lot too.

D&S, i'm so sorry. i do a lot of apologizing on here, and when i do, i'm apologizing from the heart on behalf of all the waywards who aren't yet repentant. i need to read your thread to get some perspective, but i hope your W/H has bounced back. p.s. if they're not contrite yet, trust me, they will be. in SPADES.

do you experience the same anger and hurt every time you start to get physically intimate w/ WS? do you show it? if they changed their action/reaction would it help you reclaim sex as you and your spouses exclusive territory?

i'm asking for my own benefit, sorry--i'm wondering if i change in some way maybe i can help H see that i'm really HIS again, for keeps, and that it's ok to enjoy it.

brilliant analogy, very concrete and not at all silly. i'm on it!