I had been married to my husband at for 2.5 years at that time. The first years of our marriage were great. Then my husband got depressed and didn't work for a while and it caused a great deal of stress and resentment on my part. I found myself drinking a lot, although he and I drank in social situations very frequently. I feel he somewhat distanced himself from me, playing video games and not doing much at all, all day, as I worked, then came home and tried to keep the house together. I knew things weren't ok with him but he didn't think he needed help. Long story short, we grew apart.

About 8 months ago I contacted my former high school boyfriend on FB. He was my first and I have always harbored feelings for him and thought about him since then (I am now 29). He and I started talking casually, lead to emailing, texting, and eventually visiting one another. He seemed to have everything so together and all the feelings I had for him from long ago were still there.I began seeing him whenever possible, and, at many times thought I could just leave my husband and be with him, as I thought might be a better life for me. He made me sooooo happy and my husband, at the time, it seemed, did not.

In February my husband checked my phone records and found out about my constant texting w/ another person. From there we went to marriage counseling, but I was never able to break it off with the OM. He and I have texted, chatted online, etc every day for appx 6 months. I couldn't just cut him out because I had such deep feelings and he had been such a large part of my daily activities for so long. I just felt I couldn't live without him.

Now, my husband has filed for divorce. He just wants his life back. He is a wonderful man and I love him very much and he is giving me one last chance. I feel I have to take action now even though I don't feel ready. Although he has been completely psychotic at times, controlling (even before the affair) and done things to make all my friends think I would be nuts to go back to him, I'm sure you will all find his actions justified. Thing is, I am scared to death of being divorced. I have been to therapy and my therapist says if I can't make a decision and stick with it that I can't make a decision at all. I have gone back and forth on this for 6 plus months now and I can't keep doing it. I just have a hard time making decisions. Can't decide what to order off a menu, much less decide what is right for the rest of my life. I know you will all think its an obvious choice. But for me, if it isn't my choice, I don't know how I will ever know its right. Unfortunately, my time is out for choices.

p.s. we have no children, own a home together and basically have no more close family or friends after this. all of which i feel immense guilt and hurt about. I am afraid my guilt and pain will follow me forever if me and my H stay together. Just so scared I will never find happiness again, regardless of what I do.

You might not see it, but you just insulted most of us on this forum who would not mind helping you.

Care to re-phrase this?

I'm sure you're nervous, and not sure how to post without insulting us.
But really, you have no idea what ALL of us think are " justified" responses to adultery and betrayal.

Turn the binoculars around, and take a look at your own justifications.
That's where you will gain the most.

And, WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS

Some things for you to think about:

You admit you have a hard time making decisions.
Even relatively simple decisions, like what to order off a menu.

What type of spouse does the indecisive person choose?

A person who CAN and is WILLING to make a decision for you.

Then, when you don't like feeling " controlled" you point your finger at HIM and cry:

" he's too controlling!"

And you tell your girlfriends how awful and " controlling" your husband is, glow in their sympathy for all your suffering under his " controlling" ways.

But YOU married him so you could get away with non- decision making.
That way, when things go wrong, you're off the hook.

I'm not buying what you're selling.

I believe you misunderstood me. I was placing blame on myself and I realize it was wrong and that he has every right to do what he has done, and much worse. I am lucky he is still here for me, and I am a complete idiot for what I have done. So no insults intended.

You are right. Maybe that is why I married him b/c he can make my decisions for me. I would like to think theres more to it than that.... I married him because I love him and I still do. Or I wouldn't be here.

I didn't ask you to buy it. I just wanted advice and now I just feel worse. Guess that comes with the territory though. I feel completely deserving of the guilt and remorse I feel, so I can deal with it.

So, I am wondering.
If you can't live without OM, why aren't you living WITH OM?

Is he married?
Doesn't he " love" you?

Chances are, you are a side dish for OM, and are not, and never were, the main course.

You're still in contact with OM, aren't you?

For starters. Stop calling him controlling.
Tell your girlfriends he is not controlling.
Tell your girlfriends you can't make decisions, so you were making BH the bad guy.
Apologize to him for thinking he was controlling.

There is probably a lot of milage in that, as a first step.

I am so glad you're back Pep! You have a great way of cutting through all the chit.

I do live with OM. OM doesn't have another woman and he does say he loves me.

Then WHY are you on a MARRIAGE BUILDERS site?

There are plenty of ADULTERY BUILDERS sites!

And I never "told my girlfriends he was controlling".... In fact, after this all came out they told me that they thought he was conrolling all along. Maybe thats where I got the idea. I don't know but really, I know I need it straight, and without any sugar coating, but I want to HELP my marriage, but this is really painful.

Your poor H. I wonder how he is holding up. I can't imagine how I would feel if my WH had moved in with OW.

Could you send him here so we can give him support?

Please stop replying pepperband. you are doing nothing for me except making me more angry and hurt. Thanks for ruining my experience. I'm out

You are on the WRONG forum!

Tell OM you need him to make the decision for you.

That way, if it does not turn out well, you can blame OM and not your indecisiveness.

You say you want " help" for you marriage WHILE you are LIVING with OM and are currently an adulteress ....

What might YOU imagine is the brave thing to do?

Try guessing ....

I am a FWW, and I can tell you how to begin making things better:

1. Move out of the OM's place
2. Never contact him again
3. Look at your A honestly with no qualifications or explanations
4. Be "sorry with a purpose." Instead of doing the "I'm so awful" drama, make changes in your life
5. Tell your H in no uncertain terms how sorry you are and begin living out your changes EVERY DAY
6. Read Surviving An Affair
7. Dust off, breathe deeply, and ask for help with complete humility

That is a start on the road to recovery. A small start, but a start.

I agree, if you truly want to save your marriage, then you need to do just that!

Move back home and tell your husband you will give it another shot, and have NO CONTACT with the OM, write him a NC letter and tell him what you really want! Which is..your HUSBAND!

I'm sorry for your pain, I was a FWW, and I know exactly how you feel, but I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but if you don't do anything now..you will NEVER be HAPPY! Even with this OM you are with

Its the truth!

It would be in your husband's best interest to just move on. He made the right decision in filing for divorce. He is lucky he got out before you had kids.

This statement is true if you DO NOT change!

Sorry again, maybe you can tell your husband about this site so he can get help, I'm sure he's very unhappy what is going on with you living with the OM.

She already KNOWS she has to move out of OM's house and go NC to give her M a shot.

She is just hoping to entice her BH to continue meeting her ENs now that he is trying to move on under the guise of "marriage building".

No different than any other cake-eating WS... Disgusting...