K, I took advice and we are now getting a divorce. I went out of town this weekend- BH knew about it, said it was all right, then got mad because his vacation is in a week and we should have done it when he was off.

Keep in mind, last time we went to visit (a month ago or so), he just left us to take a walk on the beach. THen he wanted me to change all kinds of plans so we could do what he wanted. He sleeps in late, so we can't get to the beach early, he wants to do what he wants, and is completely inflexible.

ANYWAYS, to make this long story even longer, I got home and he told me he was "done with me." I said okay and went to bed. I usually cry and beg- not this time. Of course, early in the morning he reached over to fondle me, and I just moved away. This morning he actually helped me find something in the closet, then I asked if he'd like to be a family in the right way (or something to that effec). HE said we werent' a family. I said, "You're right, what we are doing does not work. But there is a way to learn to treat eachother with love and respect, and put God first. Would you be interested in doing that?" He said he couldn't move on until he could, "get over you being a wh**e." I asked if divorce would do that? He said he didnt' know but at least it wouldnt' be "in his face" everyday. I asked if there were any chance of learning to have a happy family, he said no, so I left.

So it's done, I'm relieved for myself


Totally worried for my children. My oldest won't care, she's from a previous marriage and is not fond of how he treats people. But my 5 year old dd thinks he hung the moon. The 2 year old ds will be fine...

He says we will not need to "lawyer up" and if I feel like I need to I have the $$ and the family support, not him. He says he will be leaving the home, sometime early July.

Anyways, ML I was not weak, nor will I be. It's time for this to end, and I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than living like this.

Oh, and Gack, no ATM was never ever discussed- didn't even know what it was- until he found out about it and demanded it. And earlier in our marriage (way before EA) he told me he'd divorce me if I wouldnt' do A**l sex when he wanted.

What a great husband.

What is your next step, HTH?

Today is the first I've read of your posts....but wanted to chime in that your abusive husband is highly unlikely to change and you are living a nightmare that won't end unless YOU take definitive steps to get out.

It will do no good to 'ask' him to change. Or to demand he change. Or to hope he will change. He won't. He won't divorce you either. His words are meant to abuse you...and it is working. But he will not divorce you.

Get out. Don't tell him what you are doing. Just do it. Get a plan and stick with it.

1)Go see a lawyer and see if you can get him out of the house and make him support you and kids at least temp.. (don't tell me how this is impossible because your name isn't on the deed--GO TALK TO AN ATTORNEY)

Or see an attorney, file for divorce and if you need permission get a judge to allow you to

2)Pack your children up NOW with a few necessities and go to your parents and don't come back. Ever. Don't talk to him. Tell him to talk to your attorney. It is the middle of June. Do this NOW and you will have plenty of time to get the kids in school for the fall and find a new job.

I don't care how little money you have or how much 'stuff' you might be leaving behind. You are in serious danger----I cannot stress how dangerous this man is to you physically and even more so mentally.

And and one more thing. His treatment of you has NOTHING to do with your EA. Nothing. Forgive yourself for that and put it out of your head so you can get real enough to deal with this bully and protect your children.

Deed means nothing to a judge. If you bought it during the M it is martial assets. If you get custody which there is no reason you shouldnt the judge will order him out since it is in the best interest of the kids.

Try to get evidence of the abuse. Neighbors. Pictures. Emails. Carry a VAR with you. try to capture what hes telling you in by a unbiased witness. Let his actions and words doom him.

Dr Harley I believe always advises PB immediatly in the case of abusive spouses.

Well, before reading SW's post (and I have followed your story and the advice you give to Ann) I was going to stay in the house- he says he's moving, and I rarely see him as we work opposite eachother- not pay the house note and save up $$ to move- first and last month, etc.

He has never laid a hand on me- he knows in our state all I have to do is say I feel threatened and the cops will take him away.

I don't care about his words anymore, it's all about him, I know myself.

I would love some assurance about the kids, though.....

As far as the children are concerned, the best thing you can do is to demonstrate for them that you won't stand for such ill treatment. Children learn what they live; if they learn that it's ok to abuse and to be abused, then that is what they will grow up to do.

So, if you don't want that, then take steps now. Time for a lawyer so that you can get child support. A good lawyer will advise you of your next move.

pk

pk is right. Your children are being taught that an acceptable answer to abuse is to sit around and take it. That causes kids enormous anger and insecurity. I can only imagine how terrible this is for your oldest child to see you not defend yourself.

Teach your kids what a responsible adult does in the face of abuse. Go file for divorce and get him the hell out, HTM.

I would then go into a dark Plan B and stay away from him so you can get your emotional stability back. I have found that spouses who have lived for a long time in abusive situations have lost all perspective as a result of being gaslighted.

HTH, this won't be easy, but it is much easier than living the way you have been living. There is nothing harder than living in a bad marriage.

He won't leave. You know that right? It will take a court order to get him out of the house. And you need him out of the house if you plan to stay. You need this done in a legal manner, and the judge will probably order him to support you and the kids--at least as you say long enough for you to get a bettet plan together.

Go. See. An. Attorney. Call now. Right now.

I totally understand the paralysis you feel. Every step you take on your way out of this nightmare will at first feel like you are walking through mud. But it gets easier and like a snowball you will gain strength and momentum as you go. But you have to take the first step.

Thanks for posting to her, SmilingWoman. HTH, please listen to SW; she has walked herself out of a very similar abusive situation and is now on the other side. Please take her advice and let her help lead you out of this mess.

I am researching attorneys. I do think he actually will move out, though. But I will be proactive.

PK thank you for that- I know you are right. I am worried that the 5 year old will blame herself- BH just said, "Tell them I'm a horrible person, I dont' care." Like that helps the kids!!!

And SW, he will move out eventually if I don't pay the house note!!!

He won't move out. I promise you this. What does you paying the house note or not have to do with when he will move out?

I left my ex H (no abuse) when my older 2 kids were 4 and 5 (or 5 and 6) and neither blamed themselves. It was hard yes, but they are resilient. Teaching them to NOT ACCEPT abuse is the ONLY lesson you should be worrying about right now by leaving.

Find a good lawyer, file for divorce.

SW I meant that the house will go into foreclosure and everyone will have to move.

I am having what seems to be mini panic attacks.....controllable, but disconcerting.

I don't want this man or this marriage. He is not worth it.

What I did was so wrong, but our marriage was damaged before. Not that that justifies what I did, but I feel that the punishment has been long.

Allow me to repeat...what you did has NOTHING to do with how he is treating you. Other than the fact that he is probably using it to appease his own guilt over something far worse he has done.

7 years before D day I was almost raped in my own home with my husband (now X) also in the home. He found the would be rapist in our bed with me--I was asleep---and saved me. He then spent the next 7 years brow beating me in the almost identical fashion you have described your husband doing you. He claimed to believe that I had brought on the near rape by flirting with the boy (21 years old) earlier in the evening. He had me so confused about what really happened that night that if my own brother had not been witness to the entire evening I don't know what would have happened to me mentally over that 7 year period.

My X was also a deviant....I won't go into the details but trust me that I know what you are going through. I've heard, 'If you won't do it I will find someone who will.' more times than I care to count.

Anyway, the mental beatings never stopped all those years. Then I discovered his affair with a co-worker. THEN thanks to the keylogger I installed, I discovered that 7 years prior...just MONTHS before I was almost raped in my own bed...my husband had had an affair with my then 19 year old cousin. It makes me sick that I endured 7 years of his emotional abuse--trying to convince me I was a *hore---because of something that was done TO me....when HE was the one who had not only cheated on me just months before but who had also cheated with my young cousin AND then lied about it for 7 years.

What he is doing to you isn't punishment. It is an excuse to abuse you. You must stop it. Your EA is waaaaaay down the list of problems in your life and I feel strongly enough about that to say it outloud on this very strict marriage site. Sure it was wrong....but it has NOTHING to do with your current troubles. Nothing. No more than that 21 year old boy climbing into my bed had to do with the way my X treatd me for all those years.

The good news is that you exposed yourself. If you had not your X would have held out the threat of exposure to further abuse you. I was so ashamed of my almost rape that I was near suicidal at times when he would threaten to tell my parents or my best friend...it was horrible what he did to me. Horrible. And what your husband is doing to you is horrible.

I know you are frightened...but your life will only continue to get worse until you make a move to escape him. He is a bully by nature...so once you involve a lawyer and the courts he will probably back away....but you definitely need legal protection. Now.

Have you called the attorney yet? Tell them you are in an abusive situation and need an emergency appt. Get an emergency hearing scheduled that will get your husband out of the house.

HTH, I took this from your post on another thread. Truly I cringe when you post because your masochism is so sad, and I hate for people with the potential for recovery to think that your experience is typical.

Your experience is typical only if you are a masochist married to a twisted sadist. And here you are, espousing more victim mentality - "my H is divorcing me because I did not show repentance sexually enough."

Say what???

How about you are divorcing him because he is a twisted creep? How about looking at it from a HEALTHY perspective?

For those who may think I'm being harsh, go back and read HTH's posts from previous years.

pk

Foreclosure will take up to a year. Don't wait on that. Get him out now.

Get a lawyer. If it's possible in your state, get a legal separation agreement. Get custody and child support down on paper, so that it can be properly enforced.

Sit down and make a plan, and check things off one by one. Keep forward momentum, and Plan B. This way, you can get the legal stuff accomplished and drop all this guilt you are feeling. It's not helpful. Doing what is best for your children doesn't always equate to what will make them feel warm and fuzzy, but what is safe for them, emotionally and physically. Make an environment for them and yourself where everyone can heal. Once that begins, everyone can begin to relax.

I'm not kidding, sit down and make a list. Once you have a lawyer, write down the things that you are to accomplish and file, and get to work.

Then look into getting your head straight. There are programs for people who have suffered abuse; look into it and fix your part in this sick dance. You are part of the problem, otherwise you would have left years ago, probably before you ever had your EA...

You are suggesting HTH HAS a healthy perspective. Right now, she just needs to follow a plan and get help. A healthy perspective is not gonna happen lickety split.

This is correct. She definitely needs a plan. She can worry about feeling better later when she is out from his control. Much of the UNhealthiness may go away by itself once she doesn't have to listen to that crap day in and day out. I am amazed at how shaky I feel just recounting those days in my previous post....I didn't realize how much better I feel until I had to 'go back' there to relate the story.