Quick version:
My wife cheated. She claims to be sorry and wants to fix it. How do i know if she really wants to fix our marriage or if she has other intentions? (read long version to understand WHY I ask)

Long Version:
My wife cheated with an ex boyfriend from 1200 miles away who is supposedly obsessed with her . My wife and I had become very cold and distant. We actually kind of sort of separated for 1-2 months, although it wasn't really openly discussed and certainly no terms were lain out. This next part happened around the time of our separation. Her story goes this way: They started casually talking in Jan (only facebook and texting). Eventually, in Mar, he started mentioning sex. She kind of played into it but thought it was just talk. Then, he said he was going to come here for a week in May for a friends graduation. About the time the "sexting" started, our separation ended. She said she wanted to start seeing me again. I started staying with her almost every day. Daily we talked about how to fix our marriage. Eventually May arrived and she hung out with him for two days then on the third day they got a hotel and had sex. Then two days later they stayed in a hotel again with no sex. She claimed he was a repulsive conversationalist and person and she felt awkward with him. She said he wanted to be with her and she didn't want to be with him and this upset him, although she initially thought she might want to. Anyway, the next day he left to go home. He kissed her when he got out of the car and that was it.(seems like a flimsy ending to an affair) In Jun (less than a week ago) I was starting to become suspicious and I checked her texts and found everything while she was sleeping. I didn't confront her, I just stormed out of her house like a demon out of hell and went back to my house. She followed closely behind. She was crying hysterically, apologizing and begging for forgiveness. She's been staying at my house daily now trying to prove her love, care for me, guilt, etc. She says that it was a one time thing that just so happened to pop up at the perfectly wrong time in our marriage and that its definitively over. She even takes responsibility for our cold distance and other marital problems, that it was her fault for never telling me if I was doing something that hurt her and that it was all this suppressed pain that eventually drove her over the edge. She said around the time of the affair she was starting to feel mentally unstable. Given the circumstances (it ended with a kiss and him leaving; I had to find out about it on my own without her just telling me; we weren't even separated at the time) How can I tell if she truly wants to fix this? How do I tell if she's truly sorry or just sorry she got caught? How can I tell if she's any degree of sincere? It seems like if she felt so bad about it, she would have told me about it instead of me just finding out. (Some of my theories include: Maybe HE didn't want to be with her and she either had to come back to me or be alone, Maybe she just wanted to have this little one time fling and not get caught and similar theories) If anyone could give me any insight, I'd be greatly thankful.

The question is not "does she want to fix this" - it's do you want to fix it?

If so, read "Surviving an Affair". Well worth the few hours to get through it. Somehow, this other guy met some need for your wife that you were not meeting. If you want to fix your marrage, you gotta find out what you were not doing, and do it.

I hate Facebook, Iphones, texting, sexting, and oh yeah, now you can text photos of yourself to your boyfriend (or girlfriend).

But they are only tools - you have your brain - read read read and do it. It can be done. Be prepared for months of this crap. But if you will do the work and if your wife wants to make it work, and joins you on a journey of recovery, it can be done.

I got my wife to read the books by simply compairing them to any other subject you might buy a book for. Car repair? Planning a trip to Italy? How to breed dogs? Yes - there are experts out there, and you can read and follow the advice. It might seem stupid or akward to buy a book on how to have a happy marrige - but dude it's not.

best of luck man.

Hey I was just reading one of your posts lol. Talking about the photos and such she had been doing that too and I found those too. (just another kick in the crotch) And she actually told me the need he met. She said he "made her feel special", but I've told her everyday since we met how much I love her, how cool and unique she is and how special she is and showed and proved all of that with my actions. When I brought that up to her she didn't really say anything.

And as far as me wanting to fix it, I'm still not sure. First I want to know if she sincerely does and if all or most of what she says is true. A couple of the days we've spent together since I found out have felt like the first months we were together with all the laughing and talking, but it was all I could do not to bring up the affair.

Here's how you find out if she's serious. Give her a list of conditions she will need to meet in order for you to accept her back:

1) MC with the Harleys
2) Work the MB program with 15hrs/week meeting each other's needs.
3) She moves back in and you live in one house, get rid of the other place.
4) Full disclosure including a polygraph if you so desire.
5) Complete openness, honesty, and transparency: You get all access and passwords to everything.
6) No facebook: only a joint page with you as a couple (that discourages old boyfriends from trolling for sex from your WW).
7) No overnights away from each other.
8) Post-nup if necessary.

Then, if she agrees to it, she's serious. If not, you know to kick her to the curb or at least not take her back until she does agree.

You know, have her do the Emotional Needs questionaire, and you do the same. Have her "rank" her Emotional Needs and find out if you are really hitting the top need. There was something missing, that's all I can tell ya. I'm still trying to figure out my WS (wayward spouse) but at least I have something to go from.

Regarding bring up the affair - it's really, really, really hard for me not to do it. You gotta watch yourself and make sure you don't bring it up as a weapon or punishment. I'm at the point now with my WS that I can go for a few days or even a couple of weeks now where it does not come up. It's there, though, for sure. I just avoid bringing it up, but she knows when I am sad or distant, what the problem is. She says softly that she's sorry for everything and the hurt she caused, and then I apologize for my role in it, and then we go about our lives.

I *still* to this day don't belive I have the full truth about what happened, but somehow, I have come to the point where I just want to move forward for our sake and our kid's sake. But for sure, we are following the advice of the Love Busters book and basically building a new marrige from here.

We are a little less than one year from when all this crap first started, so be prepared for some hard work ahead.

Sorry. I posted in the wrong forum.

There's something to be said for a leap of faith.

She says she wants to recover the marriage, and at this point, you have to make a decision about what YOU want.

If you want to try to recover the marriage, then you would have to make that decision and take the leap of faith that she also wants to - take it on faith that she does. From there, work the program to actually RECOVER IT.

At some point, you have to believe at least one thing she says - if it is that she wants to try to recover the marriage, let it be that.

From there, you build forward.


Recovery is not for sissies. This will not be easy, and you have to be prepared for a rollercoaster ride of believing her, then not believing her. She will say things that sound stupid, and so will you. You will start over many times.

If you work the program, and both of you keep coming back to the program for help and understanding about where you are, why things are happening, what to do next, how to figure out what is going on, etc., you CAN repair your relationship and get back on track.

I think the two of you need to sit down and agree to a plan, first. Agree that you NEED a plan - get that much together.

Once you both see that you NEED a plan, put the information regarding Radical Honesty out there first. Discuss it. Both of you need to completely understand that honesty needs to be the foundation, and openness the key, to the basics of your next phase of life.

Then, once the two of you figure out that RH does not mean berating or hurtful honesty, you move on to the Emotional Needs Questionnaires - fill them out HONESTLY. Share, and get to work.

Then, look at POJA.


And look also at moving back in together, once the two of you have stopped lovebusting and hurting each other with disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts - or at least are on the road to that. Maybe you should call the Harleys - spend a little coin and figure out how you can get into the same house a little faster.


SB