I will try to make this short. I am the WS. H and I have been spending alot of time trying to figure out how our marriage got in such a mess....(other than the fact of my A. (He had a PA with my best friend, I had PA about six years ago and have had multiple EA's). We finally came to the conclusion that neither of us had been getting our needs met for years. We know that my needs are "being taken care of financially and communication and his are Sexual Intimacy and admiration and affection. Before we understood about needs and them being met I have alot of trouble having sexual feelings for him....and now I understand it was because I was EMPTY.

I felt like the only time he wanted me was for sex. Now that we are trying to recover, my H is very demanding that the sex be perfect and that it pretty much be any time he wants it and I am supposed to want it. I have tried to explain that in time, if we are both meeting each others needs, that the sex will get better and better. He feels like it should be that way now. Please help!!! Also when I post, it will only allow me to post a small post and then it acts weird.....any suggestions???

First, I need to get something straight.

You didn't have an A because of unmet needs. You had an A because of bad boundaries. Lots of people have unmet needs, including me during my H's A. I didn't have an A.

First you need to put EPs in place to make sure this won't happen again.

Then work on meeting his needs.

I didn't mean to imply that I had nor did my H have an A because needs were not being met. I said that our marriage was in such a bad shape because of that. The A's were a product of bad choices and I totally take responsibility for my errors. As far as putting EP in place, I have done that by: full transparency, he has access to all my communication devices, I keep in touch when I am not home and when he is away because of work, I never put myself in situations that allow for possible run in's with OM. I just really need feedback on my question.

You can click the up and down buttons on the upper right part of the posting window and it will make the window bigger.

Did he have get all his questions answered about the A? The EPs are good but he has to feel safe for romantic love to develop.

Is he on board with the MB program? Did he fill out an ENQ. Is he willing to meet YOUR needs?

There are lot of reasons why he may be demanding sex so much.He could be trying to "reclaim" his sex life. Basically having sex alot to try to put out the mind movies. The ugly thoughts that run through his head when he thinks about you and the OM.

How often is all the time? Men will want to have sex every night if we can. When my wife and I were really happy several times a week was the norm.

As for it being perfect what do you mean? Does he want affection prior to it? Foreplay and stuff? Is he doing anything to try to warm you up? Men are like a microwave. 5 seconds and a warm touch and we are ready to go. Women are like Kroc pots. They have to warm up to the idea slowly over the course of several hours.

Have you communicated what you like to him? What you need to get you warmed up. Is he trying at all?

He isnt a mind reader.He might need very detailed instructions.

If we can get a few more details we may can help better. Gotta take a test. Check back in few hours.

Let me tell you, from a guy's perspective that hasn't been getting his needs met for SF, it seems like you are telling him, "once you meet MY needs for a while, then I'll start eventually meeting YOURS." He wants both of your needs to be met in a satisfactory manner at the same time. He resents that he has to meet your need for conversation (which doesn't come naturally for him), BEFORE your meet his needs for SF. I can tell you I get FURIOUS when my FWW tells me that the need for sex is that much different than the need for conversation, and therefore I should be much more patient waiting for MY need to be met than she is getting hers met because afterall, me meeting her need for conversation doesn't involve HER BODY. Bull$hit. You will only make your husband resent you for not meeting his needs and screw up your possible recovery. Fake it till you make it.

If you want your husband go out of his way to meet your needs and be the sweetest, most loving, caring, and thoughtful husband you could possibly imagine in the quickest amount of time, I'll tell you the secret: Bang him like a pornstar. After a month of this, he'll be eating out of the palm of your hand, I promise. The quickest way to a guy's heart is not through his stomach, but somewhere else down there.

I dunno...,

My advice is to read "His Needs, Her Needs". The chapters on affection vs sexual fulfillment are the highlight of the book.

You both need to read it a couple times and discuss it together.

I will try to answer some of the questions you asked and TIA for taking the time to be interested. My H and I are both very serious about saving this marriage....we just had our 20th ann., our kids are almost grown (18,16) and we should be headed into some of the best years of our life.

First, we have always had a major difference in sexual drive. I could do without and he can't live without! LOL I understand what you are saying that I have to communicate to him what I like and need but when I DON'T really need, that becomes hard.


The biggest problem is that I had decided to try my best to meet his need of sex even though I really didn't feel it, but he says all the time, "if you really don't want to do it, I would rather you not". When we do it, I really try to participate and don't just lay there.

I would say that for him, 5 times a week would be sufficient. I don't really think for him that its about reclaiming, the PA I had was about 5 years ago. The EA's never involved sex. I think for him its more about having done without for so long and now he has leverage (my EA's) to demand it OR ELSE!

I have tried to explain that our marriage is not going to be perfect just because he says so. I think its going to take time for both of us to heal. I'm not saying that in the process of healing that we both can't do our best to meet the others needs.

I hope you have a Netflix account, because I am going to suggest you watch a movie !
(What a relief! Usually you get advice to read something .... Well, this is an exception)

The name of the movie is
ENCHANTED APRIL

Pay close attention to Lottie and Rose.
Two unhappy wives who are not getting their needs met, and are miserable in their marriage.

Lottie most resembles your situation.
Lottie measures her husband's efforts, much like you.
She is more concerned with justice and things being "even" than being a loving wife.

Rose comes dangerously close to an EA.
What pulls her back from there?
You'll have to see for yourself.

This movie is lovely.
It is gentle.
It is optimistic.
It is pro-marriage.
It is romantic.

Please, consider my recommendation, and see it.



http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101811/

Thank you for your recommendation. I don't have Netflix but the local Movie Gallary is going out of business....maybe they have it. I will go today.