I have been with my wife for 10 years, 7 of them married. We have 3 kids: 10,5, & 3. She moved out 2 weeks ago to her moms house. We both have the kids 50/50 since then. She moved out to have time to think about what she wants. She said she has not been happy for about a year. I want to of course save the marriage. She told me she loves me and is in love with me but not like she use to be. She also has said that she can not love me like I need to be loved. Whats worse is my wife cheated on me one time and I found out about it 3 weeks ago. I know it was a one time situation and I found out about it after finding out she told the person to never contact her again it was a mistake. Of course this has killed me, but I can also see she is ashamed, feels quilt truly sorry for her mistake. Now I would be lying if I said this was all her fault. Back a few years ago, my tongue was pretty sharp at times. I have said hurtful things in moments of anger. I feel I have turned around in the last year or so but I believe she has been lost to see it. My wife thought I walked on water in the beginning. She was a stay at home mom and went back 2 work at a job she now loves. That�s about when the distance began. She tells me that she is �dead� inside to everyone except her children. I think she is really depressed. A brief history of her and she is 28, her 1st child died at birth, her dad has never had anything to do with her and is a drunk and her mom has made really bad decisions like choosing men over her daughter when she was younger. I have seen the errors of my life and this has been a life changing experience. I really didn�t know things were this bad. My wife was good as gold one time. I truly forgive her for her mistake, once. I don�t think that will be a issue again. I am looking for advice on what to do. We have a counseling apt set for July 1. She doesn�t believe in counseling and doesn�t think it will help but she is will to do it. She doesn�t talk to me much and pretty much wants me to stop talking about the issues right now, until she finds out what she wants to do. I seen a lawyer a day after I found out, but in my heart I knew I didn�t want to file. Right now I would say she is leaning divorce, but can just tell something is telling her no. She will say hateful things in the heat of the moment. I have also told her to look me in the eye and tell me theres nothing there, she did but later on told me that the only reason she told me that was because I told her too and that she wanted me to shut up at the time. Any suggestions on how to handle this. I know she loves me. I feel if we do or say nothing it will not end well. Thanks in advance.

How long ago was her first A and how long did it last? Did she tell you the name of the person? If the OM (other man) was married, did she inform the OMW (other man's or girlfriend GF)? When was the last time she had contact with the OM?


1.) It was two meetings. One in a parking lot after work, Just talking. The other was at his house. Where it "judt happen"

2.)She told me the 1st name and that the use to work there and just came in a month ago to started talking to her, they talked on parking lot. Exchanged text, then she met at his house one time.

3.) the last contact is when she broke it off, using her words in person so he would leave her alon.

I pretty sure the affair is stopped. Im not sure what to do next. She really doesnt like talking about it and wants me to give it a rest for awhile. She told me last night she cares about me and loves me but she thinks there is too much damage done. Im not sure how to approach this thing. Do I try to talk to her every day? Do I do nothing and see what she does. Like I sai we start counsling on the 1st. She seems very angery at the world. I bought her the 5 Languages of love book yesterday and asked her to please read the 1st 4 chapters to start, I dont know if she will. What do I need to do to her? The more I talk about it now the more she seems to push back? Do I need tp back off some and talk about it less. Like I said she moved out 2 weeks ago. She cheated 4 weeks ago, I found out 3 weeks ago?

I suspect that the "cheating" started a lot longer than four weeks ago. It started when she started doing things with the OM that she would not have done if you were around.

Does she work with the OM?

BTW - "Relationship talk" at this time is not a good idea. If you want to save your M, read up on Plan A here.

I believe man, I think the A began a lot sooner then you think, and the reason why she doesn't want to talk about it because the A is still going on.

Keep snooping do not stop EVER!

Find out EVERYTHING about the A, it helps to know exactly what happened ask her if she is willing to do a poly test, let her know that is only for your benefit to have a peace of mind, if she refuses then you know for SURE that the A is still going on.

When you find out that the A is still going on...then you need to EXPOSE the A tell EVERYONE.

Family
Friends
Co-workers
His wife (she should be the first person you tell)
Etc.

A's thrive on secrecy that is why she doesn't want to talk about it and keep saying "it's over, can we just live pass it?" it's another lie, if you don't get to the root of this NOW wanna know what's gunna happen? Two things will happen...

1. The A will keep going under your nose, and she will go deeper in hiding it.

2. She will find another man to have an A with.

So what do you want to do?

The chance is very, very good that the A is still going on. Why has she moved out? She needs to think about what she wants? She can think about what she wants while she's living with you. More likely: she's moved out to pursue her A without being around you.

LeeSC, you need to listen ~ this is an ACTIVE affair. Not a past affair.

I believe Dr Harley himself has said in all the years he has been counseling couples that every single instance, with the exception of just one time, of a spouse wanting to move out is due to an active affair.

She says the affair is now over? She had to move out to think about problems from the past that you didn't realize were so bad?

She is following the wayward script. It is called marital history rewrite. She moved out so that she could conduct her affair more freely...so please don't get caught up in this fogbabble or waste time analyzing childhood or other issues.

You are lucky in the sense that she admitted it to you and gave you SOME info about OM. But it is vital that you find out who he is before you do your exposure.

Do you have access to her email? Cell records? FB account? Can you install a VAR in her car?