no write your plan B letter now! Get prepared for your plan B, even buy some locks so when she's out you can change them that day, just hide them so she doesn't know what your doing.

Her parents are better then none, and I wouldn't bother with her anyway, just go into a plan B, and help yourself.

well i dont have to worry about the locks because shell be 1000 miles away when shes gone. as for the letter, by write it today, do you mean give it to her today as well?

unless you want your plan B starting NOW! Why not anyway? Her parents already told you that she can stay with them. What are you waiting for? It's not suppose to be convenient for the WS it's supposed to be when ever your ready to make the next plan.

yea thats the thing, I dont get paid until next wed. and she has to drive 1000 miles, therefore I need to give her atleast 200$ to get home and i wont have that until pay day. I would like plan B to start today to hit her with the 1-2 from the exposure and plan-b in 2 days but she wont actually be out of my house until the 30th

Ask her parents to help, ask your friends I'm sure they will understand and help you loan the $$..if you want to start today then do that and give her your plan B letter, once you written if post it here first so the vets can help you change it and edit it to make it be the best plan b letter.

alright sounds good does anyone know of any Plan-B letters that i can use as an example?

I found this on one of Marks posts...he's smart...this is what he wrote..

Plan B: What it is and what it is not.

Plan B is NOT leaving your home and letting your wayward spouse continue the affair unabated without any sort of efforts to break the affair first. This means that leaving your home in anger or at the request of your wayward spouse upon discovery of the affair or after confrontation over the affair will not be Plan B and will not allow for a very useful Plan A.

Plan B is NOT calling your lawyer and filing for divorce out of frustration and then calling the cops when he or she refuses to leave. It isn�t throwing the cheater out in the cold to punish him or her.

Plan B is NOT moving down the hall to the spare bedroom and letting your spouse have his or her affair partner over for a sleep-over while you stay out of the way and stay quiet.

Plan B is NOT a way to make the cheater�s life hell on Earth.

Plan B is NOT the first salvo in divorce proceedings unless your spouse decides to make the first step and file when you pull the trigger on Plan B.

Plan B, like Plan A is a PLAN. It is something you do and not something that happens to you. It is an action and not a reaction.

Plan B is NOT something that will make your spouse suddenly realize that the world is about to end and cause him or her to fall at your feet and beg you to let them back into your life and if they do that you need to realize that it is also not supposed to be so that you can drive them away because you are tired of sealing with this crap.

Plan B is not for any reason related to the affair beyond one single point. It is designed to let the betrayed spouse have a life with some sense of normalcy built into it, heal the raw emotions of having been cheated on and allow time for the affair to come to an end before deciding to go ahead and divorce. It protects YOU from the wayward spouse and the pain he or she is causing YOU.


I'll try to find a sample of plan B, but If I was you I would read everything in scotlands thread about newly betrayed spouse, I'll bump it for you so you can start reading it.

N_A,

There is a good discussion on Plan B letters in the MB101 forum under Everhopefulguy's thread (When getting W to talk to Steve is an LB or something similar is the title).

Here's the one from SAA, you can tweak it here to fit your situation.


My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, withdrawal from our marriage and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation,I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

Also, I'm not sure if this has been linked already but:


Intermediary Trainihg School

1. Plan-B will not work untill she leaves. You cannot do Plan-B wile living together. Wait untill she is about to drive off to her parents to give her a PBL.

2. Do not give her one single penny to facilitate her leaving, not one. If she needs gas money to leave her marital home to go live with her parents then someone else can flip the bill.

3. The moment she is out of eye sight you cancel her phone.


Undestand this, YOU do not pay one single penny to help your wife leave you, or support her in any way once she has. No insurance, no car payment, no phone. If you have a joint checking account remove your name from it and get your own.
Do you understand?

Then Mark goes on saying....

It is not designed to bring them back to you, broken, repentant and begging forgiveness. It is not designed to make them pay for the transgressions they have committed and it is not designed to make them have an epiphany and call the affair off. It might do those things and might be seen as those things by the wayward spouse but Plan B is intended only to avoid having to completely deplete your own Love Bank in the face of an affair that is the biggest Love Buster of all of them knowing that nearly all affairs will end within two years of being discovered and confronted.

If your spouse leaves or you do at the beginning of Plan B, realize that it is a high risk venture with a low probability of high reward. It is the last chance to save enough to try to recover when the affair ends, which statistically it will do within a couple of years. Your spouse might not miss you at all, especially at first, but the better you made Plan A demonstrate your ability to be the spouse of his or her dreams the more likely it is to have that affect. It MIGHT push things toward a speedy end of the affair and a repentant spouse seeking reconciliation but you can�t enter Plan B expecting that to happen by some near future date.

Plan B can last till the cheater seeks to return or until you have given the affair enough time to become typical or an anomaly that might last forever. Two years is long enough. If the affair hasn�t imploded by then, it might end any day or could last for years. At that point it is time to decide what to do but if you have been in a dark Plan B and have not been love busted daily for two years and have experienced your own withdrawal from your still wayward spouse, by that time you should be able to make an informed decision regarding your future without having to do it reactively and based entirely on raw emotions.

IF your spouse decides to return home and end the affair and seek restoration of your relationship, then you will get to try your hand at recovery and rebuilding the marriage while fixing whatever was wrong with it before the affair began. For advice for that scenario, we�ll address it when the time comes. Just understand that you can only fix the marriage if you are married and can only fix it if you have enough to give to the effort. Plan A shows the wayward what might be possible and Plan B allows you to see what might be possible for you. Neither one has anything to do with fixing the marriage. You can only fix it if you save it. If you try to fix it while it is falling apart, you won�t save it and will have nothing left to fix. If you divorce over being hurt because you let the drama of the affair go on past your ability to deal with it, you will not be able to fix it because it will be gone.

A good, intense, full throttle Plan A, with nothing held back, using both the carrot and the stick to make the marriage a better choice than the affair makes recovery a possibility. A poorly executed or misdirected Plan A or one that continues longer than you can actually do it will result in not saving your marriage. So a hard and fast Plan A, followed by a dark Plan B that can last until you can figure out if the affair is going to end is your best bet to save your marriage and get a chance at recovery. Nothing is a sure bet, so if you are looking for guarantees, I can only give you one�I guarantee that if you do a haphazard Plan A, or use only the carrot side of Plan A or try to do Plan A until you hate your wayward spouse and fail to save enough to get through Plan B intact in your care and love for him or her, you stand almost no chance at all of recovering your marriage.

Make the marriage a better option by meeting Emotional Needs and getting rid of Love Busters while at the same time making the affair as difficult to continue as possible by using the stick and every weapon at your disposal to fight against the affair itself and not merely fight with your spouse about the affair. If it isn�t working and you know you are doing it right, be ready to drop the Plan B bomb and get away from the madness before it consumes you and whatever love you have left.

Others can help you write a Plan B letter when the time is right. There are examples here that can be of help to you, but it is not your final farewell and good riddance letter or a Dear John or Dear Jane letter telling your spouse goodbye forever. It is a love letter explaining that you desire to be married to them but your love will not let you share them with another person and that you must stop having anything to do with him or her until such time as the affair has ended. It should tell them who your intermediary is and how to contact you in case of life or death emergencies or for problems with planned parental visitation with the children. It should probably include directions that allow for a path home if and when they are ready to end the affair and recommit to the marriage and any specific requirements you might have to enter into such an endeavor.

If you get to Plan B, let it be your quiet time, your reflection time, a time for you to learn, to grow and to become the strongest person you can become. If Plan B ends in a return of your spouse you will need all of that and more and you will need to have enough left in your Love Bank to even care�

alright i think i have a good understanding of plan B and yes Gack I do understand and I will try to follow everyones advice, this is going to be kind of a different plan B just because we will be getting a divorce but might allow her to come back to work on our relationship

People have gotten remarried after a divorce. It does happen. Set your bar high for any kind of recovery. But you MUST remove yourself from your wife's abuse.

If she comes around and you guys make it, great. If not, personal recovery is still recovery.

And the crowd said...."AMEN!!"

I want to explain further why I advise divorce in your case.

Plan-A and Plan-B will give you the best chances there are to stop an affair so that recovery can begin. It puts the affair partners in the light and places pressure on both of them to end the affair.

The problem here is your wife is not really addicted to any particular OM. She has become/is becoming addicted to the single party girl lifestyle of promiscuous sex, alcohol, drugs, and a complete lack of having any actual responsibility.

Once she leaves and moves in with her parents, it wont be more than a few weeks before she finds her parents too controlling and moves out with another OM, then another, then another.

thank you for that vibrissa.
Gack I do see where your going with this and that is why i am still filing for divorce but setting the bar high as vibrissa put it. I do have hope for her still but only time will tell.

with that said, i basically took the same letter posted here earlier and tweaked it. (I am terrible at writing letters) so if someone can take a look at this super rouhg draft, edit, add delete whatever let me know


I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that made you unhappy with me and make your affairs possible. I foolishly did not understand my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationships with other men once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Your parents have agreed to help make arrangements for you move back in with them. I will be filing for divorce, and if you want to communicate about that or any other matter, it will have to be through your parents.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationships with other guys, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with other people. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from all other men and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our relationship someday, and maybe try dating again, or getting remarried. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing other people.

With my love,

AGREE!

Remember when I posted about having no kids will be a problem for plan B? Well, this is why, she is loving her party life, she wont change.

But by all means, do plan B first, then file. Or you can do it both at the same time.

Sorry for your loss...actually...I'm not sorry for your loss, you are better with out her.

alright, im drawing a blank on what to replace those with.

Just say you will work hard to meet her needs in the future, but don't basically excuse her affair for not meeting her needs.

Just replace it with this. (the blue)