KT, I guess you would have to see the other threads he has started to get the full picture (and why people think he is acting entitled).

I've read his other threads. I do agree he has a lot of issues that need to be addressed in his marriage. I guess it just seems like there's a few posters on here that are focusing on him wanting his wife to work fulltime and that gets turned around with "no you should work. Why do you expect your wife to work fulltime. You're being selfish."

My points on this are:

� They need to do the ENs together and focus on those.
� They need to focus on eliminating LBs.
� They need 15 hours of UA time together.
� He needs a dose of realizing he needs to be honest with his wife as his agony is his own causing by not voicing his unhappiness.
� He is blind to the fact that she is very likely unhappy and also not voicing it

I also feel that she had been working fulltime until the end of the school year and there is no reason why she can�t work fulltime. I would understand if they had kids, she had a stay-at-home business, or they had a previous agreement where she wasn�t working fulltime. However, there is no reason why she can�t work fulltime. Yes, he�s not working actively but he�s employed and earning the same wage through the summer�so he�s not sitting around not earning money. He�s also having to professional development and taking classes. She is working part time and that is it.

I think what we're saying is that when he prejudges the situation and decides what his wife "should" do, he is making a disrespectful judgment / selfish demand. He wants to get what he wants at his wife's expense, without regard for her feelings.

His thoughtlessness likely has caused her to fall out of love with him.

And being out of love with him, she probably doesn't see any reason in the world to do what he wants. She's probably feeling like she made a mistake marrying him and is wondering if it will ever get better or only get worse.

Possibly like my wife she wants to have a baby because she feels unloved by her husband and wants someone to love her.

He's probably lucky she's staying with him at all.

Given just the Love Busters we've seen him engage in here, plus the fact that having an affair is on his mind, it's a safe bet the marriage is no bed of roses for her.

I'd like to see them turn it around.

Wow...Holy Cow!!! Many a comments since I was last here. Seems without me there to yell at there were a few people arguing back and forth at each other.

With all of the negativity I was starting to grow a little bothered with this forum, but I came back to check on it.

I finally saw an opportunity to talk about jobs with my wife and, well, it didn't go very well. She thought we had an understanding and that we were on the same page, and it didn't go very well. We ended up talking about a few financial things and I believe eventually made some progress. We are definetly at a better place with each other after "talking" it out.

Markos,
I have to say, your most recent post......waaaaay off. My wife is in love with me as she has ever been, that is not going to change. And again, I do not have an affair on my mind. Seriously I thought we had gotten past that.

KT,
Thank You for seeming to be a voice of reason in here.

People on these boards seem very quick to attack, especially when they only have a small portion of a story.

I don't remember reading any of that. His wife had no idea that he was unhappy as he hadn't told her he expected her to do anything. There weren't any selfish demands...there weren't any demands at all. This is the issue...Tom is not communicating ofr fear of hurting his wife. So she still thinks that everything is so-so sweet in the marriage and he's fearful for her to think otherwise.

Tom, I'm glad to see you said something to her. Tell us how you brought it up, how you said it, her reaction, and how you reacted to her reaction. Remember that there are ways to be honest without being mean. Did she express any discontentment in the marriage? Now that you have opened the gates of communication, would be a great time to say, "hey...we have a good marriage...I'd like to see it the best marriage ever. Can wee fill out these questionaires togtehr and discuss them?"

Now you're communicating and spending time together.

This creates a win-win situation in the marriage where both people are happy and in love.

I wouldn't necessarily say that we are communicating and spending time together. I am still not the best of communicators. And we also do not spend a great deal of time together. When at home together we are usually in seperate rooms. We will watch some tv together or hang out outside, but mostly doing our own thing. She is gone for the night so I have some time to myself as well.

What was her side?

She thought I understood she didnt want to teach. She still plans on looking for full time work.
I am hoping and praying that something comes out of the woodwork that will be that job she is looking for.

Tom, finding out her side and clearing up the misunderstanding is tremendous progress!

Lack of communication is always a barrier to solving problems.

I happen to not see how any couple can hope to have a great marriage without great conversation. It is vital for the Policy of Joint Agreement, and for intimacy and trust.

So learn to be a good communicator and conversationalist, which means asking and listening.

Get out of those separate rooms and spend time doing things together, not passive things like watching TV and listening to music. You are to young to stop talking about your dreams so each of you knows what they need to do for the other.

Simply learning to be a good communicator, does not just happen. Good conversationalist....that I can easily be, at times, when I enjoy the conversation.
As for getting out of the seperate rooms, its hard to do that when we enjoy watching different tv shows.

I am not sure what you mean by to young to stop talking about your dreams so each will know what they need to do. Don't know what you mean there.

No, Tom, you didn't just say that, did you? It's hard to get out of separate rooms because you're watching different TV shows? What would y'all do if you had kids? Take them to separate rooms to watch different TV shows? Because it's so hard to get out of the separate rooms? No wonder you are unhappy? Who would be enthusiastic about that? I've never in my life even heard of such a thing.

What do y'all do when you have company over? Take them to separate rooms? I feel like I must be missing something.

Have you read about RC (recreational companionship) yet? What did you do when you were dating? It's hard to imagine that you fell in love with each other in two rooms watching different TV shows all week?

Is it your dream to spend your life in a different room from your wife watching TV? If it is, that is okay.

It sounds like you are open to or want to have children. If you have dreams for what your family life will look like (dinners together around the dining room table, playing games etc.) Those are the sorts of "dreams" you and your wife could be talking about with the TV off sitting together on your couch.

You found out tonight that it isn't your wife's "dream" to teach. She found out that it is your "dream" to have two working spouses. It is not your dream, as it is for some, to have a wifey at home all day keeping the home fires burning. Early in your relationship you may have told her about your dream to have a truck once you had a stable job and could afford the payments. That's what is meant by talking about your dreams. They aren't that different from goals. Feel free to substitute the word "goals" for dreams. Dreams are more casual and have less pressure attached, or whatever.

You don't have to turn into a different person. Just think about what you want out of life and communicate those things to your wife in a "someday I would like to go on a safari" kind of way. If you don't have any dreams for the future, you may just be depressed

Are you skeptical of the fact that couples who don't share conversation and activities together are doomed? Unless they both agree to a passionless marriage of convenience, the marriage is doomed. When your wife had a full time job, were you blissfully happy?

To respond to both of you....

1. I don't expect life to be the same when we have kids. I expect many things in regards to our everyday behavior will change.

2. No we don't go to seperate rooms when we have company.

3. When we were dating we were still getting to know oneanother, much of the convesation (as with most relationships) started out with the investigation stage.

4. No, I don't want to spend my life in seperate rooms watching tv, and I expect when we have kids the interactions would change.
Family dinners (which we do have or try to have most of the time, and of course you play games with kids.

5. I do have dreams or goals for the future. As for being blissfully happy....lol. I have never been described as blissfully happy. Its not often that I am described as happy. Don't get me wrong I have my moments, it does not really take much to cause happy moments for me, but I look more for being content. Happiness is a life goal that I have yet to truly figure out.

If you don't enjoy the same tv programs as your wife (and I totally understand that as I am soooooo tired of my husband's tv choices) then you need to find something else that you can do together away from the television.

Having children is likely to cause you to have less time together and not more. Especially when they are little!

Yes having children would cause for something else that would take up a great deal of time. That is well understood. I am perfectly fine with that aspect of it when it happens.

Tom, how much time a week do the two of you spend together doing things that you BOTH enjoy? How much time do you spend talking about subjects that you BOTH enjoy?

Hey, Tom, I noticed you were posting to other newcomers. I just wanted to mention that Marriage Builders has a great, comprehensive marriage program that can help that newcomer get what she is missing in marriage, and get you what you are missing in marriage, too.

A great way to learn the program is to post your opinion about how the Marriage Builders concepts can be used to help another poster's difficulties, and then listen closely for correction from other posters.

Yah, I just noticed based on many negative responses that my opinion/perspective as a married person does not seem to matter.

Tom, don't take it personally. It is not about you, it is that the things you are saying are not consistent with the MB approach. The Harleys have spent a lot of time research, developing, testing, and perfecting this approach. Many of the people on this board have tried it and saw their marriages improve as a result. So, as you respond, people are going to tell you if what you are saying is not consistent with something that has been shown to be successful with thousands of people.

Lots of people receive these 2x4s over the head when they are new. Go look at Marko's thread from the beginning and you will see how he changed over time.

Related to what you said about SF once a month being good - the issue is that it is really hard to change feelings, it is easier to change behavior. By telling her to change her very strong (she is considering an affair) feeling about not having enough SF or even just to deal with it because it is "normal", we aren't going to get anywhere. If she could have changed her feelings on it or just dealt with it she would have already but it has been 15 years. Think of her wanting more SF the same way you think of you wanting your wife to search for a full-time job. Men on here could tell you they don't mind if their wives don't work but that won't change things for you.

So, instead the approach is to be honest with your spouse about what you need and encourage your spouse to be honest, so you can both try to fill each other's needs. If you do so successfully and avoid LBs, you are very likely to have happy marriage. Also, this approach DOES NOT encourage compromise because in a compromise situation one person is gaining at the other's expense. Instead, it encourages finding a way for BOTH people to be happy.

Stick around, keep reading, I promise you will have some lightbulb moments along the way.