Hello,

I'm new and have been doing tons of reading on how to get through this. I found out about the online/telephonic EA about 2 weeks ago and have been a mess ever since. I now know I started off horribly, but I found this site and am taking the advice of trying to fill her Emotional Needs and being calm.

As far as I know, she has not contacted the OM since D-Day. I have let her know that I want to work on our marriage and that No Contact is very important. I even asked her to read about the Importance of No Contact on Affaircare.com, but she just blew it off. I do know, however, that she is still checking his Facebook page (where he telling her he misses her, etc) and still has him on her messenger lists. She also says she WILL call him eventually to tell him "what happened". That she cares for him and doesn't want to hurt the OM and that he needs to know. She is saying that she has to do this 'for her' and needs to figure out what is going on inside of her to try to fix it, and doesn't want the pressure I'm giving her or it will push her away (yes, all textbook things an addict says).

She found out last night that I did some minor exposure and is very angry (yes, to be expected). She again this morning asked me not to contact anyone else if she wants me to not push her away. Either way, she's been acting very cold and distant for the majority of the 2 weeks, acting very angry and when we do talk about it she always brings up the things I did do in the past (and accept fault for). I received much more pity and what seemed like sympathy when I was wallowing and crying and acting nearly dead.... so how should I be treating her at the moment when she won't hardly look at me? This is just so hard...I want nothing more than our family (1 child) to work.

Of note, she comes from a very conservative culture that full exposure could truly be detrimental not just to her, but her family's reputation, and I want to respect that if at all possible.

I could type for hours, but will await responses. Thank you.

Exposure is not detrimental to the marriage, but to the affair. It is the most powerful weapon against the affair. If you want your marriage to survive then your goal should be to cause as much harm to the affair as possible. Exposure does that. The goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wife's anger at all cost. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger, it can't survive an ongoing affair.

Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure ruins the supporting fantasy. It is like bringing in a crowd of onlookers to the crack house to watch the crackheads get high. It ruins the high!

Exposure

My suggestion would be to do a nuclear exposure. The fact that her family is conservative may mean they know right from wrong which would make the exposure more devastating to the affair. It would be even more impactful. The stronger the reaction from the family and friends, the better the blow against the affair.

Is the OM married? If so, does his wife know?

Listen to Mel. Honestly, if she didn't want people to know she was having an affair......then she shouldn't have had an affair. And I say this as a FWW.

Your W is still manipulating you. Plan A is not about being a doormat. No Contact is not negotiable. She CANNOT check FB. She CANNOT have messenger, and if she does call him "for her," that is intolerable. OM doesn't need to know "what happened." I tried all that "I don't want him to hate me" crap too.

She needs to feel the weight of what she does, including any familial consequences that come from HER decision to cheat. As long as she is angry at you and trying to call the shots, she is very much wayward. In fact, I would install (secretly) software on the computer to make sure she isn't communicating with him.

This is an excellent suggestion. A good keylogger is eblaster because it usually can't be detected and it can email the reports to another email secretly. spectorpro.com

Another very impactful step is to confront the OM and have a discussion with him. Ask him to leave your wife alone.

Still amazes me that WS say the exact same thing!

I said and did that same thing when my husband found my 1st EA, I told him it was only fair that he knows whats going on, and that I still care for him as a friend, and I still wanted to keep in contact with him ONLY for a friend nothing more.

HAHAHAHAA...I laugh because I can't believe my husband fell for it! Because I know it's just another LIE, to keep in contact and continue the A. Let me tell you what will happen if she breaks the "no contact" rule.

She will miss him, still send random messages (nothing too serious, but just enough she is still in contact)

She will visit his page at least 10 times a day! To see what he's up to.

They will chat on FB, but they wont talk about relationship talk, because he knows that you KNOW!

She will find out that he has moved on..and be TOTALLY CRUSHED!! Be depressed for about 2 weeks.

Then find someone else to confide in (another male friend) and have ANOTHER EA with a new man, to deal with her emotions.

Wonder why I know all this?

BECAUSE I DID IT!!!!

So do us all a favor, and yourself, and expose this A!

Do not stop snooping! Get all the evidence, get all passwords, put a keylogger on your computer so when she changes her passwords...and btw she WILL change them!

Good luck...and I'm really sorry you are here, but listen to these vets they know what they are talking about, if it wasn't for them then my husband and I wouldn't be in recovery.

When I hear stories like this from BH it just makes me want to scream! My DH lost ALL of his privileges to be deceptive in our household because even though I plan A'd him, I let him know that I WILL NOT SHARE MY HUSBAND with some skanky woman who couldn't say no to a MM. You have to stand up for yourself. Don't let her walk over you because waywards can get kind of cocky if they think we will stay with their cheating [censored] no matter what kind of bad behavior they give us. You have been injured terribly by her A and no matter how bad the M you didn't deserved to be cheated on. Unfortunately we as BS have to prepare ourselves for living without them if they take us to far for granted. You have to love yourself enough to not put up with her crap or you could be setting yourself up for doormat status for the rest of your life.

Have you told her parents and siblings and asked them for help in saving your marriage?

Do not ever warn her of anything you plan on doing, such as exposure. Many a BS has been made to like like a psycho by there WS as a preemptive strike against there spouses warned exposure.

Also, don't ever leave your house, not even for one night.

How will her family's reputation look if she ends up getting caught by others while she is in the A?

I am sure that her family would much prefer to hear this from you and help you salvage the marriage than to have one of their peer group inform them that their daughter is running around on her husband.

Go ahead and expose to them.

Thanks everyone. I have told her sister and one of her best friends and she was extremely angry about it. This morning she asked me not to contact them again about it. I talked to her sister again today, though, and plan on continuing. Her friend, I'm afraid, is more on 'her side' and told me to stop being so lovely and just give her space...so I probably won't go more on that route. I just got off the phone with my mother and told her everything, as well.........

So, I do believe she has had no contact, meaning they have not communicated. She openly admits she checks his facebook (he's not a 'friend' and it's a family facebook page, but she can see his profile) and will continue to do so and he is still on her MSN, but blocked.

About her family, she is from the Middle East (Muslim) and things like this can have serious repercussions there and we are moving back there next year. Her sister is like her and very open minded and 'western' and knows all about it now, and is 110% agreement with me. But her male family members I don't know quite as well, even though they are very nice and I do get along with them...but I just don't know if it's a good idea for that sole reason to expose to them.

This other guy is 15 years younger and she knows it's a crazy scenario. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Oh, and I did confront the OM in person and tell him to not contact her and stop trying to ruin my family. Did not threaten him.

Well, she is not really her "friend" if she is on the side of the afffair. Giving your wife "space" is a very bad idea.

I would insist that your wife end all contact and delete her facebook page. As long as she sees the OM on facebook she will be triggered. You have every right to DEMAND she end all contact now.

Is the OM married? Have you contacted him directly?

You may also consider Blocking facebook from your computer so she can not access it at all from the home computer.

My husband blocked FB on our computer...I don't miss it

Actually I think he UN-blocked it last week and I STILL haven't been on!

"She openly admits she checks his facebook (he's not a 'friend' and it's a family facebook page, but she can see his profile)"

There is still contact. Going on FB is an addict getting her OM fix.

Yea, they tend to stone women for such things there.

I am the WW and I completely deleted facebook. I could not imagine checking OM facebook page. It would cause way too much pain and trigger feelings that hurt so bad. I truely know that NC for life is the only way to survive.

It looks like she has made this impossible by committing adultery, doesn't it?

Please listen to the advice you're getting. Expose to the OM's family. Block Facebook. Tell her entire family.

Thanks again everyone. For some reason I'm not getting emails notifications of replies, even though I subscribed to the thread.

Anyhow, last night was rough. She told me she doesn't care about wanting to make our relationship better, continually brought up my history again, and that she just wants to leave and 'what if you come home one day and I'm gone?'... then she said she doesn't want to talk anymore. She then proceeded to change her passwords to her email accounts right in front of me, but so as I couldn't see them. I asked her if she had something to hide and she said 'not yet, but I may soon'....

I kept calm through it all and just kept repeating the mantra of wanting our marriage to work, I won't fund her vacation and she'd have to do that on her own, etc.

I just talked to her sister who is definitely trying to help and 100% on the same page as me, and her and her dad are coming to visit in a few days as a 'surprise'.

I called my mother yesterday and told her everything. I'm going to see if I can start protecting some our financials.

Install the keylogger!