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Quote:
Didn't someone here throw their H's phone in a body of water? Or wanted to? lol


I did! On D-day, I threw his cell phone in the toliet. It wouldn't flush. whistle


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I knew it! lol


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yaw well sorry you didn't have a happy mothers's day. tried to make char a good one back in May this year and it was good.

so i join ya in this is a f**ggen fathers day okay.

call from dau. not from son or char. what the hell,

pretty much just refleccting, and looking at the garden i started in may. tomorrow chronologically will be 68 but I am not waking up in that morning.

So I do hope honestly your next mothers's day will be better. This on of last messages will send to anyone and the cruxt of it is I don't even know you..Christ.

So do well..
Tom

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Tom, are you ok?

Father's Day was...interesting.

My best friend told me that I am a way bigger person than she is because I still got my H a gift after the huge let down that was my Mother's Day. I guess I am a bigger person than she is, because I have no desire to NOT get him a gift on purpose just because he didn't get me one. How does that make anything better?

H was not expecting another gift, as I gave him his early so he could wear it to the graduation. I just got him the other 2 Bourne books he did not yet have, nothing huge. Got him a card from the kids (did not get him one from me). I am not sure what was going through his head - if he was playing the Martyr so he could tell everyone he worked his butt off on Father's Day, or what. But what he did surprised me. He did chores. I did not ask, he just started doing them. Cleaned the kitchen, steam cleaned the tile, swept the hardwoods, did some tweaking to the surround sound, hooked up his old sound system (we replaced it a while back) in the living room (while ignoring my suggestion that he NOT put it in the floor because it looks tacky and collects dust bunnies, being we have 2 cats and a dog).

I thanked him after each thing he did. The BBQ he made (we had made calls to our father's, but neither returned our call and we were hoping they would come over for dinner) was awesome, and we had a ton of left over food since our dad's did not show up (nor did my ex H, whom my H invited over, as well). We got a ton accomplished yesterday, so that was really great. We have our annual 4th of July party coming up and he knew I was stressing about how I was going to get the house ready with him still working. Still, it was... strange.

Saturday I really piled on the charm, lots of attention, affection, touching and lots of physical things to lead to satisfying SF. He never approached me about it, but he seemed to really enjoy how/how much I was. Yesterday since he was so busy, I brought it up, but was honestly hoping he would initiate something. Nothing. Not even last night, when I told him I would love to have some SF. After feeling ignored, I came to bed and started reading the paper. He sits next to me for a while, then starts "teasing" (you know, playfully insulting me) and I told him that he was hurting my feelings. Then, he just tries to yard off my pants out of nowhere - there was NOTHING leading up to this at all. When I asked what he was doing, he said he was trying to give me what I "obviously" wanted, but fine whatever, at least he tried - and that was it. So, he will use that now (has done it a lot in the past) about how HE tried and *I* said no. I have been clear about WHAT I want and HOW I want it (some freaking connection would be nice) so it is about me turning him down, which is not at all how it actually went.

This morning I woke up to him rolling over on top of me, going right for it. The moment it was over, he was up and out and staring off at the ceiling. No affection, no conversation, nothing. Then after he gets out of the shower, tells me about this crazy intense sex dream he had about us in a 3some. So that explains mounting me while I was sleeping. Again, no actual connecting going on. Just the business.

Seriously, I am at a loss. We had such a fantastic, fulfilling sex life until about 4 months ago - and now IF I get it, it is not intimate or romantic feeling. At all. I am left feeling used and empty.


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I am so over it. Just. so. over. it!


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I don't want to Plan A. I want him to Plan A ME for once. Just not into working this M by myself.


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I don't have any advice for you Gdar. Just a whole lot of sympathy AND empathy for a similar feeling of doing all the heavy lifting in my own marriage. I'm on "plan one day at a time until such time as I can make a decision about my marriage and if he doesn't want to hear anymore about how unhappy I am, he's in for a nasty surprise".

I don't think there's an acronym for that!

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Originally Posted By: OurHouse
I don't have any advice for you Gdar. Just a whole lot of sympathy AND empathy for a similar feeling of doing all the heavy lifting in my own marriage. I'm on "plan one day at a time until such time as I can make a decision about my marriage and if he doesn't want to hear anymore about how unhappy I am, he's in for a nasty surprise".

I don't think there's an acronym for that!


That is exactly how I am thinking/feeling.

SO TIRED of the status quo. I don't understand what the point of being married is, if your spouse does put in an effort to keep the other from being unhappy! I JUST DON'T GET IT! I am a good person. A good wife. He can have sex any time he wants it (though lately has not been much, but has the time to take care of it himself) and I can barely get him to look me in the eye when he speaks to me!

To sit and watch my H appear to be so bored and uninterested in me is eating.me.alive.


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I really do not understand why it is that I can explain to him, for years, that him doing something hurts me, and he continues to do it. Why? He won't ever freaking tell me, because he is a passive-aggressive blame-shifter.


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I gotta tell you though...even though we're mentally in similar places with regard to our attitude about our marriage, your situation/your husband's actions, give me a hinky feeling.

The stuff that's driving me nuts in my own marriage has been ongoing it feels like...forever. The AOs, the minimizing me/my feelings, the job situation, etc. Your husband's behavior towards you seems new.

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It is relatively new. He has never been in a relationship this long and is constantly making comments about how he cannot believe we have been together "for so long", like he is in a competition with himself. He has made so many comments over the years about how he gets bored about 2 years in (but then would wait another year to break it off, after hurting the other person by being aloof in the process) and says "I still love you", instead of "I love you". He knows it bothers me when he says that, but he continues to say it often.

Then again, many things are NOT new and I keep hoping for change, but he is still stuck in "you married me for me, you knew who I was when we met". No room for growth? He saves that for his professional life. He expects to learn and grow, but it serves his purpose to NOT do that in our M.

I guess I am choosing to be stuck this way, because I won't leave. He won't get on board, and I have been Plan Aing him for so long without any reciprocation, that I give the hell up. It ain't ever happening. I am wasting everyone's time on these boards and even my own time for having any hope.


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Originally Posted By: Gdar
I guess I am choosing to be stuck this way, because I won't leave. He won't get on board, and I have been Plan Aing him for so long without any reciprocation, that I give the hell up. It ain't ever happening. I am wasting everyone's time on these boards and even my own time for having any hope.


That is not Plan A, that is Plan C - chaos. Sometimes you give him good, sometimes you give him bad. It results in disaster.

Plan A has a TIME LIMIT!!!! If your plan does not have a TIME LIMIT, then you are not doing a Marriage Builders Plan A.

Why don't you put together a plan? You will not believe the confidence that comes from having a plan to follow.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I know we have established your H is wayward in his thinking but you have dismissed the idea that he is currently in an A. However, I gotta tell you...
Originally Posted By: Gdar
Oh, and I did learn that a mom that helps out at the school a lot has my H's cell phone # and has text him re: school stuff. I do NOT like that at all. School one day, something personal another...

I met her briefly on Sunday when we had to stop by the school and she was there decorating the gym for the dance (that was last night) and she was BEAMING at my H. Her H was there and looked as uncomfortable with her BEAMING at him as I did.

Blech.

Gdar, this sounds an awful lot like a blossoming EA right there. Not to mention his behavior stinks of someone in an A. Can you install flexispy on his cell phone?


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Yeah, I am aware. I cannot do it on my own and I am tired of the one way street. I just don't have it in me and no plan ever sticks. Ever.


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I have full access to everything. No A. Just taking me for granted. Sometimes people DO do that without having an A.


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Originally Posted By: Gdar
Just taking me for granted. Sometimes people DO do that without having an A.

He allows another woman to text him about personal matters, meet his EN for admiration and you don't think that that behavior is connected to the way he treats you? Really?


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Susie, please stop acting like you know what is going on. Yes, a mom text him ONE TIME ONE TIME ONE TIME about him opening the gym up for her so she could decorate it for a school dance. THAT WAS IT. He did not even REPLY to it and he took ME with him to OPEN THE GYM. End of story. This place drives me nuts sometimes. The only explanation EVER here is that there is an A. Really. This is not my issue or my concern with my H. 2 years ago yes, and I continually check, yes - A happening? No.


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Wow, I'm not Susie, but I don't understand your rant Gdar. Going by what YOU posted:

Quote:
Oh, and I did learn that a mom that helps out at the school a lot has my H's cell phone # and has text him re: school stuff. I do NOT like that at all. School one day, something personal another...

I met her briefly on Sunday when we had to stop by the school and she was there decorating the gym for the dance (that was last night) and she was BEAMING at my H. Her H was there and looked as uncomfortable with her BEAMING at him as I did.


You didn't exactly make it clear that it was ONE text... in fact you said she texted him re school one day... something personal another....

What's going on? (other than you're seemingly giving up)


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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That's not what you said, G. You said:

Oh, and I did learn that a mom that helps out at the school a lot has my H's cell phone # and has text him re: school stuff. I do NOT like that at all. School one day, something personal another..."

So did she text him one time, or school one day, personal another?


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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I will say this and then back off.

My experience with texting is that if she is texting him re personal matters ~ that they have talked a fair amount in person about personal matters...

and if she is beaming at him right in front of you and her H, I can't imagine what kind of admiration she is giving him when you two aren't around.

Lastly, she texted him that she would be texting him later if she needed help closing up or something along those lines?

Gdar, all my bells and whistles are going off that she IS meeting some of his ENs. I am surprised they aren't for you as well.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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