Ok so last night we discussed things in a orderly manner. We agreed on most points what we would like to see in the parenting plan.

Well the only sticky point is this:
My H will live in CT. His brother lives in upstate NY. We have agreed that the child would spend two weeks with him in the summer time in Ct. He wants me to drive with the child to his brother's place(5hr drive from Toronto for me about 4hrs drive for him from CT) to drop off the child. On top of this he would try to fly two weekends a month to Toronto to see the child. I am sorry it is not my responsibility to drive the child for him to spend 2 weeks with him. First of all we are talking a child that is now 18mts,long car ride. I don't even know what job I would have, what hours I would work not to mention that I am also entitled to some personal time of my own.

I told him that he should have thought about this before his affair and before he asked for divorce. And then he says: Oh here we go again with that BS! Remember I did not choose to get divorced, nor I have a choice of living in either country at my will. He could have tried to look for work in Canada and then this would have not been an issue. But he wants to have a mistress, live in the US(to make more $$$ and pay less taxes) and wants me to deliver the child to him.

I told him: Ok if you don't agree then we will let the lawyers/courts sort it out. And he says: I am not going to pay $300 an hr for a parenting plan(but he would spend $$$$ on his w****.

NRTQ, do not draw a hard line over not driving him half way. When the partents live far apart, but within driving distance, each driving half way is common. It is also common, even when when people live close, for there to be a stipulation that the parent taking custody of the child pick him up. So, if you don't do the half way thing, you may find yourself driving the full round trip either at the beginning or end of the visit. Plus, remember, you are putting the needs of your child first. That means it is your responsibility to help him have a relationship with his father. And the court will like to see this atttitude. But you can insist it's half way and not meet at the brother's house.

Also, it's important in all discussions to keep the end goal in mind. In your case, you need to really keep your eye on the money. Your STBX isn't really too interested in being a daily part of his child's life or he'd try to figure out how you two could live close together, even if it meant paying you allimony for many years. To this end, you need to get your lawyer involved when it comes to the visitation. For example, you STBX said he'll try to fly up twice a month for the weekend. Does he make enough money after child support and alimony to do this? If he takes the child for two weekends, it will decrease the mandated child support. Then what happens if the child support is lower and he suddenly finds he can't fly up every other weekend, or even every month? You have been had.

I also suggest you make certain your lawyer has experience with international cases. I forget if you said this is the case. If you're in Canada and he stops paying alimony and child support, what happens? If you get court-ordered support, where he pays the court and the court pays you, will the send it to Canada?

Ok let me tell you what we agreed on initially:

He would fly twice a month to Toronto two weekends.
He has gazillion airmiles and he accumulates more because of type of job he has.
He has a choice to move,live and work in Canada. He has made no effort to find work in Canada. He wants to stay in the US because of less taxes, little bit more money and of course the OW.

I have agreed that if he cannot come one of those weekends I would take/return the child to his mother who lives 65 miles away from where I would live. She also lives near a commuter train that comes directly to my town and she also drives(but scared of hwy driving)

On the other hand, I am going back to Canada, no place to live, no job to go to with a 18 mts old child with special dietary needs. I don't know what kind of job I would be able to get, what hours/days of the week I would work, let alone have my own personal time. I still want to have the child two weekends a month myself.

I know this may not be relevant but I did not have an affair and I did not ask for the divorce.

Remember this man is used on getting his own way or the highway. Well after all this disrespect I don't think I also need to be a taxi driver, not to mention that the child does not tolerate longer rides as it is now. I don't think at this age it is in the child's best interest to be subjected to long car rides or airplane rides.

First, let me caution you, lawyers like to say things like, "He should have thought about that before..." The fact is, judges don't care about that. The business of divorce is emotionless to them and they just want to work out the details. That means, you WILL need probably to be a taxi driver at some point and your child will need to be subjected to car rides. At least it's not as often as a more traditional visitation schedule would subject him to. You can do this once a year, or a few times more. And a relationship between your child and his father are worth the effort. From where I'm sitting, it seems reasonable.

Fellspoint, you wrote much better what I had started to write and then deleted. NRTQ, you really need to separate your pain and what your husband has done from the business of divorce.

The tone of your posts is very angry and emotional. That's to be expected. But you don't want to be making decisions based on emotion, and you don't want emotion to get in the way of thinking through all possible scenarios and ramifications.

Do what you can to slow down the divorce process so that you are thinking as clearly as possible and have had time to learn as much as possible about various possible outcomes.

If you have to take this man back to court in the future, it will prove very expensive. And, don't agree to anything in writing until your lawyer has vetted it.

Also, you haven't answered my question. Does your lawyer have international experience? This is really important.

The lawyer does not have international experience however he has 35 years divorce litigation experience. When it comes to US and Canada we are more treated like state to state rather than country to country when it comes to parenting/visitation schedules and child support. The laws are very similar between the two countries and easily enforceable. I also checked this with a lawyer in Canada.

I know I am angry right now and very much hurt especially by the fact that he still conducts his affair right in front of my eyes but completely denies everything. I think things would have been different if at least he admitted what he did and said I am sorry even if we ended up divorced at the end. What he is doing is trying to make everyone around him look like a fool.

He just took a parenting class yesterday and today I found out from the OW husband that she also took a class yesterday. I will get some confirmation hopefully today about the location but I can bet that they went together. How much more arrogant can one get?

I am also reading Dr. Harleys His Needs, Her Needs. I recognize in it situation where I could have done something wrong and also where he could have done something wrong. It is a great book. However I doubt my husband would ever open it to read it, especially not now.

Ok some update here and hopefully your opinion:

Last week MIL was visiting here so she cooked for son and put food in the freezer since I no longer fulfil that need(stopped the day I confronted him on the affair). He was sticking more around the house last week, even called few times to ask how son was doing. I understand that he may have done that because MIL was here. She left yesterday. He took her to the airport. I don't know if she told him something but last night H offered to sleep in son's room and take care of him overnight so I can get a good night sleep. At this point unless I take some sleeping pill(I can't take them when I am alone on the same floor with the child), I can't sleep more than 2-3 hrs continously.

So I slept all night did not hear a thing. I guess he was up few times with son overnight and finally had to get up at 7am. He was obviously tired so H went to take a nap. He has not slept on the same floor in the house since Jan 8, 2010. So now he sees what I had to go through for the past 6 months.

I don't know if anything is happening with the OW or the fog is lifting occasionally but this is really strange. He even tries to be funny with me about what our son does during the day. He even tells me now that he is going here or there. I don't want to get my hopes up on anything because I know affair behaviour is roller coaster type but I thought I put this on the forum and see what you guys think from experience.

Now one hypotetical question:

If for some reason he stops seeing the OW why would he continue to push for divorce and at the same time continues to act nice like today and yesterday? Remember we have never had an argument before, we got along very well in the past 9 years, and his behaviour changed overnight sometime in Nov 09(that I noticed).

I have not encountered a scenario when and affair is potentially ended but the WS continues with the divorce. Could it be because of some sort of guilt, shame or whatever else it could be?

Just so confusing overall.

It could be out of guilt or shame or just out of not knowing what to do next. Or, it could be that he really wants a divorce and the affair was an exit affair. However, it really does not sound like the last was the case in your situation.

Slow down the divorce as much as possible. Follow Plan A the best you can. Wait and see. Don't infer anything yet.

The problem is that my husband was laid off in Jan 2010. His severance pay expires July 8, 2010 and I have more or less a month to leave the country because when he gets his new work visa he won't put me on it.(I can't get one on my own) and that complicates things about delaying the divorce. I don't want to come to a situation where I have to settle to just about anything(meaning in terms of dollars) because there won't be anymore time.

I really don't know what to think or do anymore. All I wanted in life was a normal family. The hell with the money and status and everything else materialistic. If I did not have a child I could have careless if he gave me a penny. I never married him for looks, money or status. When I met him he was not a CEO and he was not making the money he makes now and he was at least 50lbs heavier.

So if he won't put you on the new work visa, can you go home to Canada with your son and stall the divorce from there? Would that be to your advantage or would it hurt your case? What are the possible scenarios and the likely options?

If you read my previous threads you will understand that I cannot do that at this point. The only thing I can do in Canada is maybe revise the parenting plan or the alimony potentially. He wanted this divorce here because this is USA style quickie one. In Canada you have to be separated for 1 year before you can file for divorce plus it would cost him more. And I can't move the child back to Canada without his consent(which he wont give me for the above reasons).

Btw I like your signature.

Ok, I read your previous posts on this thread. What happens if you don't give him the quickie divorce that he wants? What if you are still his dependent and wife when your visa expires? If you are forced to return to Canada, what about your infant? Would he be required to put you on his visa? If not, can you then return to Canada with your child? I'm just trying to understand all of your options. I understand that your WH wants a quickie divorce for financial and personal reasons. Do you also want the divorce at this point and are trying to get the best deal? Do you want a cooling off period to try to recover the marriage? I would hate to see you forced into a decision that you will regret - that is all.

Because in CT you can basically get divorced without the consent of the other spouse. You can try to go and fight it afterwards but that is insane how much it would cost me. Plus fighting it from Canada would make it even more expensive/difficult. All the visa options are explored. The visas are not cheap and putting another person is like $3000. And all this from a WS who initiated the divorce, who is having an affair(and not admitting it), who is trying to find excuses why our marriage did not work in the last 3 years(even though he never showed or said anything to even remotely tell me he was unhappy).

Tonight we came up to some sort of parenting agreement for our cute 18 mts old boy(breaks my heart every time I look at him). My H was so calm about everything you would think we were planning an event or something with family. I stayed calm but now as I am typing all this, tears are coming down my face like you would not believe me.

Why do I still have feelings for this man?
Am I stupid for still trying to save my marriage and not initiating the divorce in the first place? I don't know how other people would view it but I have strong family values and getting married was not just one big party for me. I just still can't believe this is happening to me. I so don't want this for my family.

I am not sure how effective my exposure was. I told to people that matter to my H life/work but I think only his brother and one friend really talk to him. I think everyone else is more or less staying on the sidelines. Of course H was mad for me telling his family but he has never shown that anger directly at me. I don't think he is aware that I have told the other people,especially people that may affect his career.

Anyways, I better get to bed but I needed to vent somewhere. I don't know how I will get through in this whole mess I never asked for in the first place. How can he be so heartless and not see what pain he is causing me and our son and our families.

This is just so difficult. I think after death in family this must be the second worst thing that can happen to anyone. It feels like amputation. They cut your arm/leg, you are still alive but your life will never be the same.

On the other hand, I often ask myself if I would be ever able to forgive him and try to reconcile. Just the fear of living with someone who cheated once and knowing it could happen again is tremendous.

All normal feelings. There is no good advice that comes to mind except to tell you that I have been there and I know how much it hurts. I'm sorry that you are feeling that pain now. Keep plugging along. You will get through this. But, yeah, it really sucks!

Your lawyer may have told you this but keep a handwritten diary of how often your DH interacts with your son. Although your DH seems like he is cooperating now with the parenting plan, you never know when he may change his mind if he thinks it will cost him too much money. You need to be able to show that you are the primary caretaker of your son.

He did not but I will keep one anyways just in case things change.

I don't know why but I am trying to explain his behaviour, maybe because I never got any admission or at least a I am sorry from him for all the betrayal.

It just seems so odd that he acts this way. I know that the OW now works so during the day I don't think they have time to meet and he is mostly at home at night. He has been sleeping in son's room since Sat every night. He even closes my bedroom door so I don't hear in case son wakes up. My God he did not do this when things were good between us. I can't find anything on the internet about his current behaviour. Could it be that things ended with the OW? Could it be that he pursues the divorce because he does not want to admit he did something really wrong? I just loved/and probably still love this man so much whether he deserved it or not. I just feel so empty inside and that's a horrible feeling.

Most of the people that I told about the affair(mostly mutual friends) are not even calling me to ask how I am doing. I don't know if they just try to stay on the sidelines or what?

From one end I would love to see some reconciliation but from the other I don't know if that is going to be the right and healthy way for me. This betrayal was so hard for me. I wonder if he will ever realize how much he has hurt me.

You're NOT stupid. You were committed and understandably attached. I felt/feel the same for a man who was never fun and abusive. Still is. The affair still hurt and the separation is incredibly painful. Don't ever think you're at fault or flawed for feeling this way. I have tripped upon a couple good books that helped me at my lowest. I'll look them up and pass them on to you in a later post.

For what it's worth, over a year after the separation, 10 months since deciding to end the marriage, and 9 months since realizing an affair is what ended it, I am finally feeling some relief. I know that seems like a long time to suffer, but there was some benefit to the past year. I found me and learned what I was capable of. You will too. Be good to yourself and cry when you need to.

I honestly never thought I would be divorced at 36. And we went through 2 years of infertility treatments before we moved from Canada that were not successful. Our child was really a miracle. Not that he is my baby, but he is so happy right now. Feels like we were never given a chance as a family.

The hardest thing for me was in Feb when he finally talked to me(but before I had the proof of the affair) and he said to me: Well I was not going to leave you pregnant. That really hurt me. He said he has not been happy for the past 3 years and that he thought by having the child things would get better. Up until that point he has never sat down with me to have a serious conversation like that in 9 years about our relationship/marriage. This is why I think his "official story" is nothing more than a scripted bull s*** for him to justify as he calls the "alleged affair".

So this is how it feels to get divorced and still don't know the "real" reason why(I can just assume things until the cows com home).

Seems like he is starting to act weird again. Not so chatty but he still sleeps upstairs in son's room. Gee where was he for the past 6 months when I needed help day and night. I guess this is the rollercoaster ride they talk about. I can definitely tell his mind is somewhere else.

NRTQ, I think you need to get a divorce attorney with experience dealing with international cases or at least non-citizen cases. I don't believe your husband can drop you off his Work visa if you aren't divorced. If that were true, there'd be huge messes.

I'm assuming you haven't signed anything. So, changing lawyers is actually a way to delay the divorce. If nothing else, I really wish you'd get a second opinion.

If your husband was laid off and his severence runs out in July, how easy will it be for him to get another job here?