Schoolbus, I believe you have a way of seeing things that I don't.....I wish I had your insight.
I see a man also that is resigned to failure, but he will use it to get back up again but with someone else. I believe that he thinks I don't love him because of the exposure....he calls it "besmudging people with amnesty."

He has had many failures in his life including other marriages before he ever met me. He gave up on all those things and went on to other failures. I wish he would come back to us and I intend on giving that message to my kids daily.

We picked them up tonight and my DS7...who has difficulty understanding many things....said, "mama, daddy doesn't believe that you love him." I said, "I know, but I do love him." DS7 said, "then why don't you want to see or talk to him?" I said, "because it hurts to much to see or talk with daddy right now; it makes me cry because i miss him." DS7 said, "Maybe if you told him you loved him, he would come back." I told my son that I did tell him how much I loved him in a letter an I asked him to come home.

It broke my heart truly!!! This is not the position that i ever wanted for my children. I believed in marriage and the sactity of our vows. If he could stay for 20 years, then why not longer in order to heal our marriage. My father told me that he is very skinny and dark....i guess from being at the lake. I keep prayin and I have others praying as well.

HopeE, what you said to your DS7 was PERFECT. You can bet that this will be the exchange between your WH and DS7 next time,

WH: "Your mother doesn't love me."
DS7: "Yes she does. She told me."
WH: "Then why won't she talk to me?"
DS7: "Because it hurts her."

Your message stays consistent and your children will be able to recite it to your WH again and again. That's the beauty of telling your kiddos the truth in an age appropriate way. Good job.

Heading home today in a few minutes. It's a long 3 hour drive, but I'm ready to get home. Thanks Scotland for the encouragement.

The thing about repeating your message? It gets through, loud and clear.

When you keep repeating what you have to say, what it is you want to get across, people start listening to you.

That "broken record" approach does work. In any argument, you can use this to your advantage - keep saying the same thing, over and over, quietly, calmly, succinctly. Yes, it drives the opposition nutty, but ultimately the opponent begins to LISTEN to it. Why? Because when the message fails to vary, they have no choice but to respond to THAT MESSAGE.

They have to give it some credibility, and cannot just dismiss it, if it is delivered repeatedly, with sincerity and consistently, unwaveringly.

"I love my husband, and do not want a divorce. I want him to come home and work on the marriage."

"I love Daddy and want him to come home to be with the family again."

"I can and will forgive your Dad. He is my husband and I love him."


Every time the kids question you, deliver the same message, same words. Don't vary the message.


They can't get it mixed up that way, and will "hear" you over and over - no mixed results, no wrong words delivered anywhere.


SB

ITA with schoolbus(of course, I haven't found a time I didn't hehehehehe).

These are the messages that you keep repeating and the kids will get it even if your WH hadn't. That way, when they are with WH, they will know what to say to him and WH will STOP saying silly crazy wayward things to them.

I do keep repeating the same phrases. I've discovered other things he said this weekend.

My DS9 started crying about the state of our family and WH asked him what was wrong. DS9 wanted to know why we can't be together again and WH said the marriage was unrepairable....too much damage. Then DS11 said, "no, it's not unrepairable." My WH said that too much damage had been done. My DD also asked husband if he knew where he was going when he died. My WH said, "well, I thought I was going to heaven, why you ask?" DD said, "It just seems that you cuss alot and yell at us; you are different." He told DD that he is just stressed from having to live out here and he was trying to get his life together.

They, the children, believe he doesn't contact the OW....I don't know?? He's not taking them for his next weekend which is the July 4th weekend.....told them he was going out of town...mmmm....that will be 4 weeks before he sees them again.

I told the kids again today that I'm not divorcing. I plan on waiting a long time.

I'm wondering maybe the damage is too far gone? Yes, there's the affair, then the exposure, his sister's phsyco call and so much other misery before the affair ever came into play. It's so sad to me. I can't even make plans for the future; I feel there is no future.

The exposure did not damage your marriage, though. It damaged the AFFAIR. Big difference. Any amount of damage can be overcome with a) willingness and b) using this program.

I believe that, but he doesn't.

HopeE,

The fact is that as long as one of you believes in the marriage, there is still hope.

You see, one of you is still hanging on. He says there is no repairing it - oftentimes people "state" things but behind their statements there are really questions.

I would interpret the conversation with your kids more as his attempt at probing your side of things. Your kids ask him what he is doing, and in return he tells them things are hopeless...but what he is really doing is asking them what they are hearing from you, what the message is from you, what you are thinking and what you are telling them. He is trying to figure out what you are saying - behind the wall of silence you have up.


He is trying to understand what is happening because he has never before received a Plan B from you. He looks at the wall and wonders what has hit his life, how he can control you from this position - and knows he can't. So he trys to do it through the kids. That's his only "force". What he doesn't understand is that behind the wall is YOU, delivering the strongest message, one that comes from tough love, repeated over and over. Ultimately, he will be unable to drown out that drumbeat.

He will begin to HEAR that drumbeat. Whether he responds to it or not is a choice he makes.


You do not control his choices or beliefs. You do, however, control your message, your reactions, your actions.

Stay on the highway that is the one that contains the strongest message - you love him, you want him to come home, you can and will forgive, you CAN repair the marriage, you want to try again.

One thing you might add to the message?


You have made so many changes in your life, and in yourself. You love the "new you", and the new person you are becoming. You love the new strength, the new sense of self, the new path of discovery of how marriages and relationships should work.

And, that with or without him, your strength of self is blossoming.

Let the teenager see and understand this one - she needs to understand this more than the others, because her sense of self and womanhood needs to know that she is not defined by her relationships alone.


SB

Thanks SB,

I do have hope, but it's when I don't that I start to lose it. This morning I had a crying fit because my DS7 did something nasty. I just lost it with visions of DS future and no father figure flashing before my eyes.

I still wake up thinking..."I can't believe this man left me and my 4 children for another woman."

He can call it what he wants, but he is hopeful that this relationship will pan out for him. I get sick thinking that there is nothing I can do about this, but sit and wait. It's hard to concentrate on making myself better when H consumes my mind.

I'm sure there are BS on this board that have it so much more together than I. Believe me, I'm also sick of being pathetic. How can this woman continue to see him knowing he has this family. Does she feel she deserves him? I'm starting my quiet time with my kids this morning. We are going to read a devotional, memorize a new scripture and pray for our life together.

Our quiet time went really well. I read a devotional from a 365 day book. We chose to memorize the scripture from John 8:32..."you will know the truth and the truth shall set you free."

I didn't pick that ironically...it was the verse for June 22. It's funny how God knows just what we need. I'm printing it out and putting it on the fridge so the kids can see it all the time. I might put on the mirror too.. Then, I prayed and one of my DS9 prayed also....it was the sweetest prayer about no matter if mom and dad are together or apart, that he can love us both.

I know that is so important and it's on their mind continually. I was so blessed that everyone was listening and being quiet.

I think that is wonderful you are spending this time with them doing something so powerful and meaningful. What a great idea, hope! I can imagine how much they appreciate the time with you, too.

You do not control his choices or beliefs. You do, however, control your message, your reactions, your actions.



Schoolbus said a mouthful here.

I think what eats at me is that she took something that belonged to me. I can't tell you how much I want to tell them both off. I suppose I can't do that since I'm in plan b......controlling my responses????

Hope-E, we have all felt that loss of the OP taking what was ours. She can't take your dignity and self respect and she can never take the moral high ground that you stand on, so you still have what is important.

I also think you are giving a wonderful gift to your kids with the daily devotionals. My FWH and I read one every day, too...the same one for the last few years. I write important family milestones on the dates they occured.
That way we can remember when our grandparents passed, when they got married and it serves as a reminder to send out birthday greetings to our special folks. Once as a niece visited on her birthday, she was so pleased that she was mentioned as to how special she was to us.
The book later makes a nice heirloom to pass down. You are a great mom, btw. GF

HopeE, the idea that OW took something that belongs to us is faulty. First of all no one belongs to anyone otherwise we would be looking at H as an object. Moreover, OW is getting a man who has no integrity. Sure, he might act in love and be head over heals for OW, but it is all fog and based on lies and deceit. They can't be a horrible person with us and a totally nice one with her. They are just faking it and the pain they have inside is temporarily covered by the A.
The H you knew is not there anymore so OW took an alien. I am sure she does not even realize what a louzy deal she got till is too late!
blessing

HopeE-

A book that really helped me when my FXH left and D me was
"When He Leaves: Help and hope for hurting wives" by Noelle Quinn and Kari West.

They are two Christian women whose H's left them because of A's. Each chapter has their own stories in it, what they did and learned and even has lists of things to do that really do help.

Thanks...where can I get that book?

Hope, its on amazon.com for ten bucks.....


I think im gonna get a copy too....

yes, I want to get it soon, so that I can get some other reading material. Thanks for letting me know.