Tom, let me just point you to something that's said at the top of the page:

One of the most important requirements for becoming a member is that you read all of Dr. Harley's Ten Basic Concepts. Click the tab "Basic Concepts" above on the header to find them. The purpose of this Forum is to help couples use those Basic Concepts to overcome marital conflicts and restore romantic love.

Many of our members have been in shoes similar if not the same as yours. They begin by asking questions and, with the help of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts, other members point them in a direction that will solve their problem. After their problem is solved, they often stay on to help new members with their own experience, perspective, and opinion.

Sometimes you may hear alternative opinions that conflict with Dr. Harley's Ten Basic Concepts. These are often raised by those who have not solved their own marital problems, but still feel they are qualified to advise others. When this happens you can expect some members to explain why their approach won't work, and why Marriage Builders� offers a better solution. There are many who are offended when that happens, but please keep in mind that the ultimate purpose of this Forum is to discuss and learn Marriage Builders� concepts.

It doesn't really matter what anyone else on this thread needs. If someone on another thread has a high EN for SF, or C, or RC, then that needs is valid. You don't tell someone to deal with it just because it isn't important to you. Just so you know, my 2nd need is FS, and my DH hasn't had a full time job in about 7 years. So I get that frustration too. I know where you are coming from on that.

Tom, why don't you pull out financial aid and go get a 2nd masters or a tech degree? If you don't enjoy teaching, then get out. The students know you don't care. I teach and love it and the students tell me which teachers are burnt out and don't like their jobs...they know and it makes the students miserable in their classes.

Remember, that while what you have gone through can be valuable to another person, this site is an advocate of repairing marriages the marriage builder way and when you give advice that is not consistent with marriage builders, then you are going against what this site is for.

I haven�t read where you said it but if you did tell someone to deal with only getting sex once a month or how many ever times in a week/month/etc they are not happy with, then that is not building a happy marriage. I would not want to be in a sexless marriage or near-sexless marriage and telling me to just deal with it is ridiculous. I�ve been married for almost 8 years and with her for 12. We have sex 2-5 times a week and sometimes more. I would be unhappy in marriage if I was not getting less because I did not sign up for a sexless marriage and if I was told to �deal with it� that sure wouldn�t make me any more enthusiastic bout the marriage. Marriage builders is about meeting the needs of your spouse. Do I love cleaning? Not necessarily. I do it because it�s a need of my wife. I don�t dislike cleaning but I know that DS is very high on her list of needs, so I try to make sure this need is taken care of. And seeing her happy makes me happy. I know that when I�m at home and she�s working and she can come home to a clean home and the kids are fed and bathed and well-taken care of (family commitment is also huge for her) that she feels loved, is happy, is relaxed, and then this gives us UA time together which then leads to my ENs getting fulfilled.

Financial aid for a Masters does not happen. I will not be taking out any more loans, already have a ton of those I am working to pay back. Those sit like a weight on my shoulders until the day they are gone.
I enjoy parts of teaching, but its reality, there are parts of the job that really suck. I know that the students see when I am upset or frustrated, I don't hide that from them. They are young, but many are also very smart. I am not burnt out from it, just not a fan of the work itself.

I also was not simply telling someone to deal with it, but I do have a hard time understanding why it is so hard to only have sex every so often. I want sex more than I have it, but I deal with having it less.
And I continued to be suprised at how often people are saying they have sex after many years of marriage.

See, the thing that happens is if one of your top needs is SF and you are only getting it once a month and you "live with it" that builds resentment in a marriage, which will lead to unhappiness and maybe eventually thinking about an A or D....resentment is like a cancer to a M.

If some M have sex only once a month and its not one of the top needs and both are fine with it, then thats fine....

Ok, I guess I am not in complete understanding of how you determine that SF is a true "need".

Some people are not happy in their M if they are not getting enough...Some people it is not as important to them if they are not getting enough....If you are not happy in your M then that leads to resentment..etc etc...

Its a true emotional need....

Having an affair is getting your needs met by someone else besides your spouse...so they are important....Do you feel that you are vunerable to having SF with someone other than your spouse because you are only having it once a month? Or are you satisfied and feel that need is fulfilled enough?

It's just as much of a 'need' as any of the other needs. Do you try and make love to your wife and she says "no" and it makes you feel rejected and angry? A lot of guys need that sexual intimacy to feel connected and it builds resentment when you keep getting rejected. Kind of like how you get angry with your wife not working fulltime.

I tell ya, Tom. I can't imagine not having sex multiple times a week.

The sex has never been boring because we�ve always been open minded to trying new things or new places or new�etc. The sexual intimacy is so much more fulfilling now than it ever has in the past and continues that way because we know each other�s body and how it responds and how to please each other. We also spend so much time flirting either vocally or through text messages that we get worked up and excited and etc. There are times when quickies are what�s on the menu but for the most part, love making takes longer than it used to because you spend more time kissing and touching and talking�sometimes the foreplay takes longer than anything else.

Basically when sex is fun and fulfilling�why wouldn't you want it often and why rush it?

Basically, if someone does something for you and, over time it causes you to fall in love with that person if done often enough and well enough, it's an emotional need.

An emotional need is a Love Bank deposit. Did you see Love Bank in the basic concepts?

I believe Dr. Harley's actual definition of an emotional need is something which, when you get it, makes you feel happy and fulfilled, but when you don't get it, makes you feel frustrated. The emotional need concept and the love bank are scientific models (do you teach science, by any chance?) based on the very real psychological reality of stimulus and learned association; you might have heard of the "Pavlov's dogs" experiment. Do something that is a love bank deposit for someone, and their emotions change toward you, a lot or a little, because the brain actually starts rewiring and changing its chemistry. Hit a certain point where that has been done enough, and something spectacular happens!

Emotional needs are different from person to person. Many men TEND to have sex as a more important emotional need than women; many women TEND to have affection as a more important emotional need than men. But every individual is unique as to how they are wired. (Affection is actually more important to me than sex.) Dr. Harley says that what determines our emotional needs is a very complex mixture of environment, genetics, brain chemistry, etc., and it is far, far easier for your spouse to learn to meet your emotional need in a way they enjoy than it is for you to change your emotional need.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5502_qa.html

KT
We both at times want sex and the other person basically says no/or has a reason why. So it is not just one person. I know that we both want sex more often than we have it. For me I want sex more often than once a month, I just don't necessarily want to have sex that often with my wife. I am not sexually attracted to her enough to want it with her that often. It is usually enjoyable when it happens, not outstanding that often, but again, when we were having it more often, I didn't want it to happen as much. If that makes sense.

Why do you think you are not sexuallly attracted to her anymore? Did you used to be? You need to work to get that back!

You are actually lucky that you found this website....It is the best way for you to fall back in love with your wife. If you work the program.....I wish I found it before my WH had an affair.

Actually, I was never that sexually attracted to her. So I don't see that as something to work back towards. Its just the way it is.

Around here, we call that a Freeloader mindset. In Buyers Renters and Freeloaders, Dr. H talks about how it's easier to convert a spouse from a Freeloader to a Buyer than from a Renter to a Buyer. So the good news is that you're in better shape than most of us were when we got here.

So you understand the idea of doing things that you are enthusiastic about. Do you see how it makes sense to pick the subset of those things that your W is enthusiastic about, too?

What are 3 things you could try doing with your wife, things you two both like, for 15 hours for the next two weeks? Just to try it out, see how you like it? We can talk to you all day about ideas, but I think once you try them, your results will be far more convincing. I wouldn't be surprised if before two weeks were out, your W would be interviewing for full-time jobs, and you two would be enjoying your sex life like never before!

Well seeing as one of my wifes favorite things to do is read, its kinda hard to do that with her. She also has a good amount of friends that she talks to or hangs out with. Not exactly the type of things that are for one on one time.
As for enjoying our sex life like never before....I don't see that happening. I enjoy it when it is occasional, by then I want it, more often than that and its trying to hard. But again, I understand that is my problem since I am not that sexually attracted.

Okay, gotcha.

So what's your plan to restore the love to your marriage?

Don't really have a plan for anything. Once we are in a good place financially again then everything will go back to being normal.

Right now we are doing okay, but I am also avoiding thinking about things as much, trying to stay as distracted as possible.

So you guys just stay in a temporary okay with each other?

I'm perplexed. Why did you guys get married in the first place? Y'all are not attracted to each other and have nothing in common.

What happens if she gets hurt and can't work and doesn't qualify for disability? Will you just stay in a state of resentment?