I am a newbie coming out of the lurking to get some help figuring this out. Me (BS) and hubby (WS) have been together for 10 yrs total, married 7. Thought we had one of the strongest marriages around, friends would comment how they would love to have a R like ours.2 months ago, WH reconnected with a high school GF on FB and I discovered some questionable posts from her on his wall. I confronted, he admitted and moved out (he had suggested a separation about 2 wks earlier because he felt we were "in a rut" and he felt "empty inside. I panicked, told him I wanted us to fix it and he dropped it, but looking back now, took the A to another level.). He has been staying with a friend, most of the time, but for the last month, he has waffled back and forth between me and OW.

He is now unemployed (honestly unfairly terminated, unrelated to A, and is awaiting arbitration between union and employer). He has no money, waiting for cell phone to be cut off, almost lost truck and is generally watching his world fall down around him. I exposed, but didn't realize it was part of a plan at the time..I was just angry and wanted the whole world to know what a scumbag he was. Ordered SAA yesterday and have been reading extensively on website.

Trying to put best foot forward with WS and doing a lot better at remaining calm and talking respectfully when he is in a talkative frame of mind. Last night, he came over, we talked and ended up having SF - was amazing. (I know I'm needy right now and I will grasp at straws if I don't keep myself in check). He told me he loved me. Said he had been thinking bout coming home. Said he knows he hurt me deeply, blah, blah, blah.
My question is this: did I do the wrong thing? He knows he has to give her up, but NC has not been agreed to. I TRIED to establish NC with HIM 2 days ago, but he contacted me yesterday am first thing. Felt like I might be moving from Plan A to Plan B, but now I'm not sure where I'm at. Have I messed up? Could he be coming back? What do I do now? He may or may not come back over tonight. He may or may not go be with her...
Thanks for your help. I love my husband way more than I ever thought I did and have realized that my marriage is the most important thing to me.

You are not supporting him financially are you?

Has this affair gone physical?

Ok exposing was GOOD! Now you need to do...

Get into plan A NOW! Have you read carrot and the stick of plan A? read it!
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1640788&page=1

Stay in plan A for as long as you think you can handle, the reason why your husband is going back to you and his OW is because you are BOTH meeting all of his EN's, he will not give up the OW, so he will stay like this for a really long time!

If he wants to come home you need to let him know there will be some changes such as..

1. Transperacy, you will have all passwords, to emails, phone, FB, etc to everything he has
2. Honesty, he has to tell you EVERYTHING about the A's, get a pholy test done.
3. He will read HNHN and to the questionair
4. Have 20 hrs of UA (undivided attention)per week
5. NO MORE LIES!
6. He would change his FB account to a FAMILY account
7. Write a NC letter to the OW and YOU SEND IT!

You can start with those now, but I suggest you start making your own.

If he wont do the following after you worked your plan A, then go into a DARK plan B!

Good luck and sorry you are here

redgirl, welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here.

To WHOM did you expose the affair? Is the OW married and if so, has her H been informed? What about her parents? Who all has been told?

Wow, your story is exactly like mine! Together 10 years, married 7, found questionable FB mssg. to WH from old high school 'friend', I confronted, he admitted he'd lied about being with her and said the exact things yours did before he suddenly moved out! Weird.

Sorry you are here...you've come to a great place to get help!

Welcome to MARRIAGE BUILDERS ..... Sorry you need to be here.

Question:

I assume your kids live with you. Correct?
Where is his DD14 living? With his XW?

This may sound unrelated, but what sort of arrangement did he have for parenting his DD?
Was he mostly a weekend dad? A summer vacation Dad?

I am wondering, because fathers who are willing to have a minimal parenting arrangement with their biological child ( especially if they move away to become geographically separated) are more likely to walk away from a second marriage. This is MY opinion, and MY observation. NOT MB.

If he has no money and no job, how is he fulfilling his child support obligations?



I was wondering if this is at all applicable in your situation.

Again, welcome.
Read.
Post.
Learn.

No, you did not do the wrong thing when you made love to your WH. EXCEPT, you might be exposed to STDs. Buy condoms. Use them, next time. Not 100% protective, but better than nothing.

You are not ready for plan B and NC with him.
You ought to read up on plan A. Do a stellar plan A for at least a few weeks.
This means luring him home if you can.
Meeting his needs, if you can.
Invite him for meals.
Invite him to get his laundry done.
Invite him home for any reason you think will work.
And, meanwhile, prepare for plan B.

I will bump up my CARROT /STICK of PLAN A thread.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2394904&#Post2394904

Take a look.
Implement the suggestions.

No, not supporting, but I did give him $20 for cigarettes Monday nite when he came over for dinner. And, yes, by his own admission, A went physical.

Wow! Thanks for all the replies! Just went to work for 4 hours and all of a sudden, I have help! I am so glad I finally posted. Will go thru all replies and answer questions when I get off work. Thanks so much...I feel a little bit of hope!

She is not married. Don't know her parents. FB page is private. Exposed to everyone he knows that I could come up with..

Very good father..XW is custodial, but he is very involved. Child support still being paid thru employer pending arbitration and settlement of back pay, vacation, sick time, etc. No complaints as a parent to bio or steps...even now.

Do you understand that you are being suggested to do an EXTRAORDINARY Plan A for a few weeks and then do a DARK Plan B?

Do you have any questions about that?

I think we are now in Plan B. Something happened..something bad. We talked, emotions got out of control, we argued, I went to OW house and he was there. Made him leavee, followed him to friend's house, we argued more, it got physical, I squeeled tires out of driveway. I feel like I'm dying inside! I'm pretty tuff, but I don't know if I can take this anymore!

Okay, how much of this site have you read? Did you do a plan A? Did you do a SPECTACULAR Plan A? Did you write a Plan B letter? You may have done some things that hurt your marriage in these last few days/weeks. Totally expected.

You need to do a Plan A and then a Plan B?

So, wat is your Plan for tomorrow?

Not EXACTLY a "stellar plan A" ......

I know. Its like I reach a point where I HAVE to go see, and when I go see, it devastates me. I keep doing it to myself! He has now agreed to NC at all betweem two of us.
Did really well for a couple of days..but this has been goin on a month and a half now. I'm exhausted. I have lost a good bit of weight. Almost think Plan B might be easier??

Well, I can let you know that at times, Plan B does seem easier. Plan B will NOT be as effective if you didn't pull off a spectacular Plan A first.

Does your WH know about this site? Does he know what Plan A and Plan B are?

It's only been a few days since this "Blow up" so you can attempt a SPECTACULAR Plan A for a few weeks and then have an AWESOME beginning to Plan B.

Have you identified your WH's top 5 ENs? Have you identified the LBs you have been guilty of committing? Have you thought about going on ADs to help with your emotions? The weight loss is normal. We call it the "infidelity diet." Believe me, Plan B is HARD. I have been told that recovery is even HARDER. Get your Plan A solid and it will HELP you. Are you ready? THis is going to be one of the most difficult things you have ever had to do.

Really have tried to do Plan A over the last couple of weeks (once I learned what Plan A was). Did I do it correctly? No. Just like his A was a mistake, I have made my share of mistakes, too. Never cheated, but I am far from perfect. I am ashamed of my part in what took place last night, but because I have been reading and learning, I am more aware of what I am doing and starting to learn why I do it. I AM making some progress.
My question now is: what exactly is a dark Plan B and what kind of letter do I need to write? I know I have probably read it somewhere on the website, but right now I am so confused and overwhelmed that I'm not thinking clearly (obviously). Have we killed any chance of recovery?

WH does know about this site, but I honestly believe he is so wrapped up in A and OW that he doesn't care. I sent him link when I first found MB and was in the "hey, this might be helpful stage"..don't think he ever even looked. He has no idea about a Plan A & B.
Have started to identify his important ENs, but he has shut me out over the last few weeks. Keeps asking me where this woman was before all this and why am I doing it now. He doesn't trust ME that I am trying to make changes. Its like he won't give me a chance. Keeps telling me its him, not me.
I don't know if a Plan A is possible at this point. I honestly don't think I will hear from him again. I think he took this opportunity to just. Go be with her. And the knowledge that he is seeing both of us at once is unbearable for me. I told him I can't be the other woman in our marriage.
And big blow up was last night. Still very fresh in both memories.

Thats pretty common what he is saying. Alot has to do with the guilt they have. They dont want you to treat them right. They want to bait you into a fight so they can leave with a clear conscience.

Gotta be careful with the LBs. You can undo everything good you have been doing in 1 night of LBing.