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On second thought...
I'd try to come up with a logical reason for moving/PROTECTING 100% of it.
You say she's going out drinking all the time?
Go to an Alanon meeting...like tonight or tomorrow....Then...the day after the meeting move 95% of the money to YOUR name to PROTECT it from your alcoholic substance abusing wife.
Then...you are leaning on something that IS admissable in divorce and custody hearings.
Remember....you won't have to defend your actions to ANYONE unless and until you are in a divorce proceeding MONTHS down the road. Until then...you (and your families money) won't be financing your wife's life of sin and neglect.
IF AND WHEN your wife ever comes out of the fog...she'll LOVE and RESPECT you for protecting that money FROM her and for standing up for what is right. If you divorce...the division of assets will make whatever money hers that the court ends up ordering (but at least it won't in any way be YOUR money).
Mr. Wondering
p.s. - I know you are new here and processing but she's been out of the house a year already. It's time to make some bold moves. Pussyfooting around hasn't gotten you anywhere and will only become LESS effective as time lingers on. Have you exposed her affairs to everyone???
Last edited by MrWondering; 06/22/10 12:43 PM.
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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On second thought...
I'd try to come up with a logical reason for moving/PROTECTING 100% of it.
You say she's going out drinking all the time?
Go to an Alanon meeting...like tonight or tomorrow....Then...the day after the meeting move 95% of the money to YOUR name to PROTECT it from your alcoholic substance abusing wife.
Then...you are leaning on something that IS admissable in divorce and custody hearings.
Remember....you won't have to defend your actions to ANYONE unless and until you are in a divorce proceeding MONTHS down the road. Until then...you (and your families money) won't be financing your wife's life of sin and neglect.
IF AND WHEN your wife ever comes out of the fog...she'll LOVE and RESPECT you for protecting that money FROM her and for standing up for what is right. If you divorce...the division of assets will make whatever money hers that the court ends up ordering (but at least it won't in any way be YOUR money).
Mr. Wondering
p.s. - I know you are new here and processing but she's been out of the house a year already. It's time to make some bold moves. Pussyfooting around hasn't gotten you anywhere and will only become LESS effective as time lingers on. Have you exposed her affairs to everyone??? Phew...Good, I like this better...Niceguy, I am rooting for your family - I want to see this unhealthy situation change QUICKLY...I think the above plan will accomplish that... I'd also revisit the post by Mel where she talked to you about Plan B - that was a GREAT post! Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Here's that Mel post... niceguy, I tell you what would probably save your marriage and lift your wife out of this depression. Cut off her money completely. Tell her since you are separated that you won't be paying for her affair pad anymore. She is a big girl and can finance her own pad. Tell her she can't come home unless and until she agrees to very specific things:
1. no more computer time - give up her computer
2. complete openess and transparency with her phone, whereabouts, no "privacy"
3. commit to marital recovery program with the Harleys
Go present her with this and see what her reaction is. I bet she tries to negotiate the conditions, ie: "I will not give up my computer! blah, blah.." Don't argue with her, just say, "ok, its up to you to accept or reject my plan. I will understand if this deal if too tough for you." Then leave.
Give her a plan B letter telling her that you love her but will have no contact with her until she gives up her destructive lifestyle and commits to a program of recovery. Set out a schedule of visitation [not in your house!!] in the letter and designate an intermediary for all essential contact about the children. Plan B means to go dark as night, she should never see, speak or email you. You have to close off all avenues. That means changing the locks.
Then go down and file for divorce on grounds of adultery, abandonment. Let her be served in her apartment.
This will give your wife 2 much needed things, niceguy, the motivation to change and a PATH BACK. You cannot lose with this plan, because if she doesn't wake up, you will have lost nothing and are legally protected. Your children are legally protected.
Your current plan is nothing more than enabling, niceguy. You are contributing to the demise of your marriage. If anything will wake you wife up, it will be this plan. And if she doesn't wake up, you are better off without her.
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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As far as renewing the lease..
I suggest you just say "no"
[after you've moved the cash to your account]
when she says great I'm moving home then...again say "no...not unless you meet my conditions".
Then she's stuck...
No apartment unless she decides SHE wants to renew it without your consent or approval on HER budget and dime...
and
No home unless she's willing to commit to a PLAN of marital recovery. If you get into some kind of negotiations with her I may even go so far as insisting she post 75 posts here on the MB discussion boards and she can move home if and when the fine people here think she's ready to move home. Of course, you'll have to hid your posts, have the mods move them or just take on a new name and act like you are posting for the first time WITH HER telling her story and asking the board to give HER advice and she can pick it up from there unaware that you ever posted.
Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Mr. Wondering,
I agree with your 75% number. I was thinking along those lines already. Another thing I had thought about doing was depositing more money into college funds for the kids. I've been hesitant to do this because of the economy and my line of work. But I've seen this suggested elsewhere - it makes the money inaccessible to BOTH of us and shows good faith in taking care of the kids on my part should we ever get to court.
My wife is not a heavy drinker. She had been going out 1 or 2 times per week. Over the last 2 weeks she's spent more time and evenings at "home" and - so far as I know - she hasn't been out for about 2.5 weeks.
And just a little more info - I've done some basic number crunching - my wife would need somewhere between $300 and $500 each month to continue living her current lifestyle.
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I like Mel's Plan B plan too....as technically, your wife has the LEGAL right to move home anytime she wants regardless of your conditions and/or ultimatums/boundaries.
Mr. W
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Yes fund the kids 529 or IRA plans.
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Please listen to Mr. W. He's an attorney.
I'm not an attorney, but I fought a brutal legal battle with my ex.
Things don't move quickly in family law. You can't cut someone off financially when they have the right to come home. You are otherwise supporting an unnecessary expense with funds that could otherwise go to your family.
Protecting your kids won't cost you in court.
Understand that you have NO obligation to support her outside of the marital home until a judge orders otherwise.
Stop assuming things about the law. That was a big mistake I made in my case. I feared going to court and contesting things out of fear that women got custody.
Well, they don't, if the man is prepared and a good dad. Courts aim for fair resolutions to dads. Knowing what I know now I would have kicked her to the curb sooner and filed for everything on the grounds of adultery.
I'm grateful she's out of my life. You may be in the same place someday. It sucks to be married to someone who is insecure and constantly unhappy.
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I'm not an attorney, but I fought a brutal legal battle with my ex. its amazing how quick you learn the intricacies of divorces when you are going through them.
(ME) BS - 33YO (HER) WW - 32YO Married 7 years DD5 D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA) Exposure 5/7/10 Plan A 5/7/10 - Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM My thread
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And family law isn't a science. It's a dog and pony show played before a judge who has massive decisions to make based on snippets of info.
Some things are solid law. Most aren't, at least in terms of custody. It boils down to impressions.
Being the primary custodian plays hugely in your favor.
If you file, file on grounds of abandonment, since she's out of the house. She left you child to you and left the home.
Doesn't look good.
She'll freak over divorce papers. Odds are it will wake her up more than anything.
But the main point I'm trying to make is that you need to stop assuming things about the law. You really have no idea about it and most assumptions you are making are flawed. So long as you are married, EVERYTHING is community property, including "her" laptop.
You can install anything anywhere.
Trust me, I know since my ex's lawyer freaked out oversome of the stuff I kept from our computer when it was joint property. Didn't look good. He tried to get it thrown out, but couldn't. I had the right to have it.
So grow a pair and stop funding her adultery. Trust me, she's cheating on you with her online buddies. Otherwise she'd have nothing to hide. Have you noticed if she's changed how she dresses? Suddenly exercising and losing weight?
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Lostdads - trying to remember what I assumed about the law...I know I mentioned my fear of attorneys - but thats because I don't trust anyone who bills me by the hour. I am assuming that standing my ground and staying in the house with the kids will help. And I hate the idea of it, but if anyone ever asked my 10 year old about her mother, she would not give a good report. What may be the saddest thing of all to me is that I don't think my wife would fight for them.
Weight loss - nope. She bought new underwear - some pretty comfortable looking male style boxers. This is why I "think" that this has primarily been online. Since becoming "disabled", her weight has increased and her confidence and self esteem have gone down. Thus the appeal of cyberspace.
And you are right about the laptop - I think I could probably find a receipt with my name on it from the day "I" went and bought it - it was a present for her during nursing school. The problem would be getting possession of it. I'd bet $500 she has it password protected.
My wife has also been pretty stupid about e-mails and written communication - talking about being hungover after staying out too late; about not being sure if she wants to be married and how hard it is for her to deal with the kids; I remember one day when I knew she was texting one of her EAs, asking her in an e-mail if there had been contact, and she e-mailed back that she hadn't texted anyone lately - and I have a copy of the bill saying otherwise; AT&T has a pretty cool website - very easy to get and manipulate call data - bills are easily downloaded to excel.
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Sabotage it. Put glue on the cooling fan. The CPU will burn itself up. Short the board somehow. A few years back we got a nice big microwave at work. Being basically
immature males we stuck just about anything that would fit into it to
see what would happen. Various large light bulbs were especially
interesting as well as small CRTs. I had an old Toshiba with a bad
hard drive that was not worth fixing. I opened the lid partway so I
could see the dispay and gave it ten seconds. Display lit up in
sections then went dark. When powered up no bios screen or anything.
I reckon it burned out about every chip in it. No visible damage tho. Just trash it and dont buy her a new one. Problem solved. Weight loss - nope. She bought new underwear - some pretty comfortable looking male style boxers. This is why I "think" that this has primarily been online. Since becoming "disabled", her weight has increased and her confidence and self esteem have gone down. Thus the appeal of cyberspace. If a guy is willing to drive however far he needs to to get some action he isnt going to stop because she is bigger than he thought. Internet guys taht pray on married women are swine and probably trollish themselves. Otherwise they wouldnt do such a terrible deed.
Last edited by YEG; 06/22/10 09:30 PM.
(ME) BS - 33YO (HER) WW - 32YO Married 7 years DD5 D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA) Exposure 5/7/10 Plan A 5/7/10 - Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM My thread
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Sabotage it. Put glue on the cooling fan. The CPU will burn itself up. Short the board somehow.
Just trash it and dont buy her a new one. Problem solved. hmm...I like this idea!!
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Just offer her a drink while she is working on the laptop. An oops when handing it to her can work, especially if your house is a big cluttered.
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