Well I have a whole lot of nothing happening here. Just those paniced words when I brought up devorice 2 weeks ago, and he said that's not what he wants.

I feel like that's where it's headed and I'm working on wraping my mind around it. It would be exactly how it is now, but less pain on my end, because I wouldn't have the expectation I do of him from the words he speaks. So I'm in the process of acsepting that this is it, right now, and the likelyhood of anything changing is beyond what I can truly expect to happen.

I'm getting used to the silence between us and expect dishonesty from him in regards to his choices. I'm also practising being happy for him in his life that is completly independant of me. This is hard, but is helping me with acsseptince.

I think it's easier for him to cut me off, because he is living a new life and I'm a reminder of what was, which wasn't bad at all. I think my very existance makes him feel bad about himself so in order to feel good he is cutting ties.

That's fine, wish he was better with coping but he's not, and I acssept that. He will not be the husband I want him to be. But I hope he becomes the person he wants to be, because I have, and am, and that feels great.

I've done everything I could to save us... To save him from himself... And there is no more I can do or am willing to do. He has not done much of anything for us, and now that I've been pulling away more and more as the months have gone by he is not doing anything about it. All that needs to be said has been countless times. And I'm coming to turns with the fact that our marriage is ending, our almost 19 years now needs to be spoken in past tence.

I'm getting used to this, I no longer feel anxiety, it's a silent acseptance.

I do however find myself thinking of all the past good and pre affair 9 years ago and feeling sad about it. I guess it's about time, I was in action/survival mode for so long I didn't allow myself to think about all that.

Gave Him a fathers day card, friendly and minus the love you's, and left him a voicemail aswell. Other then talking about something important with the kids I'm letting him go, cause it appears that he wants to be let go of.

NewLife, I don't know your story, are you two living together? Have you done Plan A/B?

It helps me to think, Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. It sounds like you are feeling a sense of acceptance now. Do you think Plan B would help you?

No, no more plan anything I'm tierd. This has been almost 9 years of basicly me being the only one trying.

No we've been seperated 9 months, he moved in with th ow as soon as I moved out.

I don't really feel it's better to have loved and lost then not to have loved at all. I'm in love with a broken man who will foverver say how much he loves me but do nothing real about it because he's unworthy of me, and feels like he's done to much damage. All he had to do was try the love was there. But I'm over what ever this is

I know how you feel, my wife constantly tells me she is not worthy of my love and that she has the constant guilt of her betrayal over her head. She knows I exposed her to our families and she tells me she don't think she can live with the pain of everyone knowing and looking down upon her. She feels it would be easier to end it than to rebuild.

Theres times I feel she is right, I don't know if I can ever trust her again. She still refuses to end her fantasy life as she is still having an EM with the OM. She has only been with him from what I can gather once and that was last September. She told me she felt she was missing out on life. The eroticism and passion. I simply asked her for a list of things she is unhappy with in our marriage and let's discuss them to see if those things can change. I can not read her mind and fix what I do not know about.

She tells me she does not want to end it with the OM because she does not know if she wants or can repair our marriage. I simply told her I can no longer enable her and she has to choose which life she wants.

Sorry if it seemed I hijacked your thread, was unintentional if I did.

I'm so sorry! I know some ws's want there plan 'b' lined up in case it dosent work out with us. The problem is their focus is on keeping that plan B secure that the marriage is given no focuse. It's like shooting themselves in the foot! They feel bad about how they treated us, want the marriage love us but feel so low about themselves that they have no energy to just put the possitives in the marriage.

Us loving them and excepting their brokenes makes it worse for them. And they are convinced we will leave them when we wise up. So they keep the op. Sometimes as a "friend". But all the good stuff that would fix the marriage is given to the op. We work harder.... They feel worse...

Sound fermilar? Been there for 9 years, much worse over time I assure you! The ws's with abandoment issues are the hardest I think, you can't win for trying, and if you have enough you prove them right, that it was smart to focus on their plan b cause look you left them!

First 3 years were crazy, and they had an oc, second 3 were very promising, last 3 have been back and forth. This past year has been the most stupid and heartbreaking because we were almost there almost at the finish line. Then ow started dating h freaked out his plan b was going to be gone. And boom all the great strides we made were gone total focus on ow. I moved out with the kids he moved her in. Then it was oh my god what have I done! We talked, were finally planing reconsiliation, but he couldn't take the small steps never mind the big ones. Everyone thinks they're together even our kids, all his family and hers because of Facebook, yet he will tell me that they aren't and that he is going to do this and that to fix us but does nothing.

I just went on one of my kids account on FB today to look at his wall, there was a touching loving note from the ow and a touching loving responce from him to her for all the world to see... So aparently I've been reduced to an invisable ow myself and I texted my h today who I will allways love so deeply that I want a divorce asap. This is bull [censored]! And I'm done playing the fool, no one even knows on his side of the family anything but what he's making his life look like it is! His own mother who is a second mom to me since I was 13 doesn't even know that I was suckered in for another 9 months of hope!

He is a broken broken man! Not a bad man at all but deeply troubled and my love and understanding couldn't fix it... I don't regret what I put in, I don't regret the investment in the one human being I could love that way but I won't spend one more day feeling like this. And I have to rescue myself from it.

I'm going to get the paperwork, have my lawyer friend look it over for me and file! This is not what I wanted but he is in his own delushional world!

As far as your situation goes, prepare yourself. She has to go to IC. Your still early enough in this affair stuff to do plan a and plan b but you have to be strong! OM has to go and she has to get into IC. If I was who I am now ( we were (22) young, I would have been able to have it done with years ago. But that was not our path. Be prepared to divorce her she's been cake eating for a year and it will be harder before it gets better... Sounds like you've done plan a it might be time for you to do a plan b. That may push them closer for a bit but your situation sounds like it still has a shot.

Good luck! And live with no regret! I'm proud of the person I've become through this experiance and still belive you should treat the ones you love with love respect and understanding. However your life has to move forward regardless of them.

I've already filled for D actually, in VA there is a mandatory 1 year sep when children are involved. The year is up in September and the lawyer said it would take about a month after actual filling.

I have tried plan A but it cannot actually work unless she would end it which she still has not. Plan B is almost impossible right now as we are cohabitating for financial reasons. We are working on selling the house but you know how the economy is.

I to did not want this and fought with everything in me to work to reconcile but she wants both worlds and I simply cannot take it anymore.

She just tells me she does not know what she wants but don't want me to let her go either. I suppose that is because she knows what kind of husband and father I am and on the other note she wants to be single to do as she pleases.

It's called "cake-eating," Whitetail. But you know that.

It took only about two weeks from the time we filed to the date of the ore tenus hearing. And that was just a formality (a bunch of "standard" questions that you are given beforehand). In none of the cases heard that day was the non-filing spouse present.

And the MB folks might cry out and revoke my membership card, but I'd try very hard to get her moved out and you into Plan B. If she wants to be with OM that much, give her the walking papers (a suitcase on the front steps and the locks changed on the doors).

Since you filed, did you also put together a Separation and Property Settlement Agreement? If not, you'd best do it, and have it incorporated into the final decree. And in it, specify the date she has to move out of the house. Give her a month. Like I did.

My ex said she'd move out. And immediately said she had nowhere to go (her OM was a married guy - separated, but living in a rented room). I accepted her offer. Not my problem. She had a month to find a place...

I agree with Fred's advice. Cohabitating with a full blown affair in progress is extremely abusive to you. There comes a time for Plan B. Plan A is not meant to last forever.

Yeah everything was entered into the seperation to include marritial assets, custody, support and anything else the lawyer could think of.

OM lives in New York and has planly told her he will not move here. The seperation agreement does not allow her to leave the state with our children either. She has been looking for a job near her folks and soon as that happens she is leaving the home however we still have to sell it as neither of us can afford it. The problem is she is a nurse and jobs around here are very slim. Once she moves even if she wants us back it would be hard getting her back to this area. He family lives 7 hours away so courting is out. I would not know how to repair the marriage if plan B did work as she would be so far away and there would be no trust.

My lawyer which is actually very good has already told me I cannot make her leave at this point. We are filling uncontested as my lawyer already pointed out that adulty in VA helps with nothing more than maritial assets and is extremly more expensive. Neither of us can afford the home and the only thing I truly care about is my kids anyways and fighting for anything but 50/50 would be pointless.

I had to cohabitate with my ex for a couple of months after the divorce was filed. We both agreed to not see anyone else until we could physically separate out of common decency. I told him that he would have to leave immediately if he started up with OW or a new OW until we could separate. I told him that I didn't care what he did after we stopped living under the same roof. That agreement made the days almost bearable. I can't imagine carrying on living like that for months though. I guess you do what you have to do and find a way to manage it. Good luck selling your house and getting your details in order. Do you plan to stay in the same area? Do you have any other options? Can you leave and stay with family? I'm sorry I don't know your story.

I am staying in the area as I have alot alot time vested into my job and my family is here. I had left and stayed with my mom for about a month and my kids called constantly crying saying they loved me and was sorry if they did something and they wanted me to come home. My kids are 11 and 9. They know we are talking divorce but I cannot tell them the true reason.

They blamed me when I left saying it was my fault and I was causing it. I tried to explain but they did not understand. I could not take it any longer and moved back in the home. I would suffer endlessly for them to not have to. I know it will be that way regardless if the divorce goes through but I cannot bring myself to make them suffer any longer than they have to. If she leaves she will be the one who has to bear the guilt.

I did everything I could in the marriage and I was the one being punished by having to leave my kids. They are both very close to me.

I can absolutely attest to how emotionally abusive it was to have my WW conducting an active affair while living under my roof, eating my food and burning my gasoline.

I don't even want to think about how surreal some days were. She actually told me that she wouldn't "rub my nose in it" and yet did so for almost five weeks.

Plan B was a relief. It continues to be a relief to this day, even after the divorce is final.

You'll survive! At least be greatful that she's not seeing the OM while your in this process. That is extreamly hard! I stayed for 3 months after my h started all of the fog bull up again, and it was the worset yet, when I had enough and could see I couldn't pull him out I made arangments and left. He was there every day, hardly saw the kids, missed my b day, took two vacations with her and their child etc... It was like a time warp of what it was like in the begining! It was not like that all along or I couldn't have gone the distance.

I told Him yesterday that I can't even talk to him anymore because he says one thing to me and does another, this was all through texts of course. After seeing their FB exchange I just can't talk to him. He was trying slightly to alude to the fact that I'm missunderstanding somehow, but whatever! He's representing his life in a certain way publicly and from now on that's all I will belive. He is so used to double thinking and justifing that I think he has forgotin how to think like a normal person.

He would LOVE to stay married to me know I'm secure and muttle through his life as a single/ married man.

It's going to be hard for me to not talk to him, never did that before, my plan b was move out or ask him to leave but then we allways talked. I don't know if he's taking me seriously but he will have to because I can't bare the pain of a light fluffy convo. We've been together since I was 13 he's allways had me in some way, now he's going to have me in no way

hang in there it's hard to go through this with children and I understand why you moved back in. It amazes me how hard it is to screw them up though, as long as they have one parent that can stabalize them when the other parent is being irational they will be just fine. Make sure you treat there mother well in front of them and respectful when you do get a d and move, and they will see that you both are still on the same team. They can understand more then you think they could at those ages. As painful as it sounds and as embarising as it is " mommy has a boyfriend so we can not stay married" is the truth and they could handle that. Yes your wife wouldn't like that, and no they don't need to know about the affair, but it is the truth. They do well with some solid answer.

When my 9 ,10, and 11 year old cry and tell me they want my h and I back together, they say " mom if you both still love eachother just get back together then we could be a happy family again" I tell them yes we do love eachother but daddys living with so and so, so we can not be together... Then they say but we want her to move out, and I say well I don't think that will happen. And I tell them grown up stuff isn't as easy as all that, and I'm sorry that they don't understand. And we can be sad but we have to be happy with our new life because this is our life and you have to make the best of things. That dad and mom will allways be friends and that we will allways love eachother, and want eachother to have a happy life. It's tuff

God, just relized I am in plan b! Not the kind where your hopeing the spouse will come around, cause I'm acsepting the reality of my situation but plan b non the less, though it's just worked that way naturally.

I have to admit it's going to be really hard to not talk to him but I have to do this for my sanity! He just ropes me in to hanging on when there is nothing to hang on to anymore. He does nothing with his words, his words to me are " truth" yet the words to her for all to see on FB somehow mean something other then they plainly state? He's dangerous to me because I'm so thirsty for his love... I'll need support through this, I've been through alot, a lot, but not this

I was in Plan B without a hope for the marriage too. I found it very helpful for me. And quite the wake up call for my WH. He left me for the OW before I even knew there was an OW, and began to justify the affair with abuse beyond that of what I suffered through during our marriage. I made it clear I would have no part of it. To this day, he makes demands, torments, and attempts to control and manipulate me. Because of a very hard Plan B (supported by first an ex parte and then a court order) I am finally free of looking over my should in fear of retribution. And although he still feels entitled to controlling me (and hits the roof every time he can't), he is starting to learn that I am no longer his to "have at". Plan B is good, even for marriages without hope. And my children are learning to see me as something other than a victim.

There is an article that is on this website. It has helped me understand that in order to move on from a bad marriage, you have to establish NC with the WS. It says that it takes 6 months to 2 years to get over them. It makes a lot of sense. Here is the article:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5035b_qa.html

Thanks for the link... I read all of the info on the site 7 years ago, most I agree with however NC is pushed to much in my oppinon... I understand NC makes things easier but easier dosent necisarly mean better. Especially when you have kids and would like to have a solid friendship eventually. Boundries are important but NC not so much.

I think at the moment I need to not speak with him on the phone and def not talk about us at all but I do not see this as forever, just until I can handle light fluffy convo again.

It's all about what you can handle as a person and how disposible you feel the people are in your life. A D is one thing, no contact forever is something else. I read somewhere the longer the marriage the longer the recovery time, I'm expecting a few years. Though I've been slowly detaching for a fewyears already.

My parents a good friends to this day and they were divorced 24 years ago, their friendship benifited me and my brother greatly.

I also strongly disagree with the MB advice for people who have an OC as a result of the affair, NC is also advised, I understand the why's , but that dosent make it ethicaly right.

I rather take the tuff road if I can live with the choices I made without justification.