Tom - think back to when you were 'in love' with your wife. What was it that attracted you to her? What was it you fell in love with? What things did she do that convinced you that marrying her was a good idea?

Thats just it, I don't know that I was ever "in love" with her. It was never a romantic, or passionate love for me. I didn't choose to marry for that. People get married for different reasons. There have been many people who married out of romance and it fell apart.

You should do a lot of soul searching and figure out your needs. There must have been good qualities about your W or you would not have married her. You do love her. She deserves a fair shot at a happy M and if you are not happy then the M is not happy. You need to work on this for both your sakes.

So it's possible you've never felt that romantic love with her. Have you ever felt that for anyone?

In the absence of a personal list of ENs, your best bet, then is to get 15 hours of UA time with your wife meeting the 4 INTIMATE ENs. These are ENs that should only be met with your wife, ever.

Sexual Fulfillment
Intimate Conversation
Affection
Recreational Companionship.

schedule 15 hours a week meeting those needs. Your love for her will start to grow.

You seem adverse to Radical Honesty. Do you understand this policy? What about it makes you uncomfortable? You will need it if you want to have any sort of intimacy with your wife.

See MB is a holistic approach to marriage. In order for it to work you have to do ALL of it.

Still- of course there were and are good/great qualities about my wife. She is a great person, that almost anyone who meets her loves (friendly) her.

Vib- I understand what you are saying in your last post (mostly).
I understand the 4 intimate EN's, but I guess I am confused about how the conversation one fits in with only being done with the spouse.

Tom, the more you talk, the more you sound like a fogged-out wayward.

Tom, you need to act, if not for yourself, for your W happiness....If you are resenting your wife right now, all I can think of is you meeting a "friend" of the opposite sex. Its just a downward spiral and luckily you are talking to us instead of another woman.

fogged-out wayward?

Its kinda funny that you mention that, because the usual person that I speak to about any issues in the marriage is a friend of mine that is a woman. We are just friends, its nothing more than that. She is married as well, there is no real "risk" there.

My WH will tell you I am a good person too....but he cheated on me and left me for OW....I do not want another woman (namely your W)to go through the pain that I have.

Intimate conversation is different from everyday conversation.

Everyday: "Hey, how 'bout dem Bears?"

Intimate: "I remember going camping once when I was about 10 or so, with a group from church. A lot of fathers went, but mine didn't...I thought I didn't care about that. Then on the third night a bear approached our camp. I was sitting in a tent with three other boys and their fathers, and right then I HATED him for not being there. All the other boys were behind their dads, and even though one of them had an arm up in front of me, it wasn't even close to what they had. I wanted a whole man between me and that bear...not some guy's arm."

Ding...ding...ding....

no more calls...

We have a winner.

committed

.... CWMI well he is considering an affair, or he was when he got here... he may not be actively W but he is foggy...


Tom,
Intimate Conversation - not just conversation.

Intimate Conversation requires Radical Honesty. It's about your thoughts, your hopes, your fears. Your past, your dreams for the future. What you REALLY thought when that guy cut you off. What you REALLY felt when your wife wore that dress....

The kind of things you don't want anyone else to know - those are the things you share with your spouse.

Intimate conversation is about removing all barriers from yourself. It is about letting your wife in to the most intimate thoughts of your soul. It's about relinquishing your barriers so that she can see YOU completely.

It is very difficult and uncomfortable, especially from someone who keeps others at arms length (like me) but the amount of love it builds is immeasurable.

Someone who knows you - the good and the BAD... and loves you....

That is true intimacy.... and I'll tell you - it can be scary, but it is so worth it.

Along with that is just regular conversation:

What you had for lunch. How your commute to work was. How your day was. What you liked about X movie....

You need both in marriage - to what extent is set by you and your wife.

In that case, were you ever in love with someone else in the past? That could give you clues what your emotional needs are.

Also, what did you used to imagine marriage would be like, especially when you were younger? That can also give you clues.

The tools to get better at that are here.

I knew that some of you would jump all over that. It is nothing like that. We are two people who have just had a lot in common, so it is easy to discuss and relate to one another. We help each other through certain things by being a sounding board.

He's IN an affair, he just admitted it.

DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE ISSUES WITH ANOTHER WOMAN...

So it seems that conversation was a big one - not surprising if a lot of your courtship was long distance.