Would like other opinion on this one!!!!

I have not dated much in the last 8.5 years since my divorce.

A female friend and I were talking about 2nd relationships and how things are so different this time. We agreed that we are much more careful to protect our hearts from being hurt, and I wonder if by doing so, if we are stopping or not allowing something great to develop. I know that I am communicating and have had some awesome discussions with Doug, that I wouldn't of had the first time around.

Let me hear your thoughts, please!!!!

Dawn

I can understand about protecting yourself from hurt.
But yes -- I do think you are missing out.

My philosophy is to take the good away from any relationship you have. Even if it only lasts a few weeks, there is probably something new you learned or a new person you met. It will somehow enrich your life.

Don't invest yourself so fully into a relationship (at least at first..) that it has the power to destroy you. You should always know that you will be OK with or without that person. And be happy for the good times you shared, and leave with good memories.

I don't know if I'm protecting my heart. I do know that post-divorce I'm much clearer about what I want and much less tolerant of what I don't want.

I really like that...I think that's something I keep in mind, even now with a one year relationship with my BF. Yes I can get hurt, but I know I will heal too, and that's good to know.

I also like what GreenGables said...it's very good to be aware of what you want and don't want, and respond accordingly.

Wow!! I agree with you all!!!!

I want someone to enhance my life not be my life.

I always try to surround myself with people that are adding value to my life.

I have never had a list set in stone of my wants and don't wants, I have found that that changes some with who the other person is.

I feel that if I keep things in perspective, I will keep myself from being hurt!

Dawn

I don't think I'm protecting my heart either.

Initially after the divorce I was dating and on dating sites. What I think I discovered about myself is that I wasn't willing to put up with much. It can be easy at first, when you find yourself newly alone after many years as a couple, to make allowances for behaviors you're not crazy about.

If you've developed a good understanding of yourself, what your needs are, and what you're willing to do to fully accommodate another person in your life then you're probably in a good place to look around for a SO if you choose.

Me? I got busy working for teacher certification, working, and caring for my boys. At this point I'm not interested in a partner so I make no efforts. I don't think that's to protect my heart I thinks it's because I'm simply not interested in making the effort. I don't feel a need and I'm happy with where I am.

i must say that once you meet someone that enhances YOUR life, it is a choice you must make:
Are you ready for it?
If you are, then WOW. It is amazing.
If you are not, then you need to cut the other person loose.
It is not fair to them.
But if you are ready, and it is a willing partner, GO FOR IT!

Sadmo,

I believe that I am the one that is ready for Wow!!!

But... he is not and I need to set him free once and for all. I have before but he keeps coming back around, as he knows what it is that he wants and when he gets close to that he freaks out and backs away and then calls again in a day or two. I understand what he is feeling/going through so have tried to be understanding, hence me taking his calls.

Now he is behaving badly out of the blue, I believe that he wants me to break it off this time so that I can be the bad guy and if I am the bad guy then he won't or can't come back.

I really like him and see the potential of what is possible with him. But...

This dating thing is so icky!

Dawn

Ok he is free!!!!

Said it was too serious for him and I said that I had always taken his lead.

Now Lord just help me to stay strong and stay away from him and not take any of his phone calls, lead me Lord to something good for me, help me to follow Your will for my life!!!

Might need my MB buddies for help to stay strong!!!!

Dawn

Sorry for the breakup Dawn. Dating does suck! We both know that marrying the wrong person and divorcing them is worse though.

Still,

Thank you!!!!

Dawn

I'm sorry. Try to remember he freed you up for something better, someone more ready.

kay,

This is so true!!!! But it still sucks!!!!

But went to the car races with some girlfriends last night. Had put my profile and pics back up on singlesnet earlier in the day. Tried going out after the races, but couldn't find a crowd that was our age so went home, checked my emails and this guy came up on singlesnet and had asked if I was at the races, said that he had stood next to me at the concession stand, asked if I had been at the Summer Nights Fest on Thursday night and I said yes, I had remembered him talking to he people in front of us! So talked to him for about 2 hours. Was telling my friend about it this morning and she said that she had talked to him and went out with him once, was a nice guy but no chemistry, So will see what happens,

Sure did my ego good to have someone pay me some complements!!

Tonight the girls and I are going to a rodeo and street dance!!!!

Thanks all for the support!!!!

Dawn

Dawn, I just read your other thread, and first let me say that I'm sorry about your break up. Things sounded so promising...

But what I want to ask is a bit odd, and I hope you (and the others) don't take this the wrong way.

Reading the above about the guy at the races and the email made me wonder...

It seems obvious to me that you have no problem attracting notice. Whether or not you want to respond is another thing.

But I have the opposite problem: When I see a woman I'm attracted to, they seem to look right through me.

I hope this doesn't sound like self-pity (although I'm sure there's a bit there), but how does one "become noticeable?"

You said in your other thread that you hadn't done much dating since your divorce. Maybe I'm still so fresh in the "just divorced" stage that I'm incapable of "being seen."

Sorry for the possible threadjack. I do feel sorry for you, as this seemed to have all the "right things" about it. Yet, as one door is closing for you, is another opening?

Fred,
I have noticed that I am approached by new people when I am in a good mood. I think the body language and facial expressions probably make me appear more open at those times. I am in sales and always do better when I am "up" - not faking it but really in a good mood. I think it is something that people can sense. Likewise, when I am feeling down or sad, I am "invisible".

Fred, no problem if we get thread jacked!!!!

I am usually seen thru, I have had a very hard time attracting guys, for some reason guys don't approach me, they smile at me but usually don't approach. So this week has been very odd for me.

Tonight after the rodeo we were standing next to the beer tent bar and a number of guys walked by and smiled with 2 beers in their hands and I made the comment that I like the way the double fist it here, this guy stops and shows me that one is un opened and hands it to me, I look at it and he says "no for you" when I try to hand it back to him, so I thanked him for it! He didn't talk us p or anything, so am not sure what that was about!!!

I am with still though on when I am in a good mood, I am more approachable.

I really don't have any insights into dating as I have not been very successful, 3 guys in 8.5 years!!!

I know that there are many sites that you can go to as far as approaching women and dating! Educate yourself, it's always been something that has worked for me!!!

DAwn

Wow what a weekend!!!

I received email, text and phone calls all weekend from Doug about how he can't do this and needs me in his life that he isn't happy without me being a part of his life.

I did email him and explained my stance. I took his phone call this morning before work, which surprised him I think!! We talked, said that he wanted me back in his life and that we would work together to make things happen. He asked for a 2nd chance, said that I would consider. I asked what his plan was, said that he would think about it and get back with me. So I texted when I got to work that "I hope that there is some romance and courting in your plan." I got back "Be prepared to be swept off your feet." I texted back "I look 4ward 2 being swept off my feet."

Am I being mean asking for that? He has said in the past that he was the giver in his relationship with his xw. I haven't seen this and commented on it last week, he said that he had held back with me as things were never reciprocated before. I have done all kinds of things for him may of them cost me nothing. So am anxious to see what he does.

I got a vm asking what I as doing for lunch and texted back that I already had plans, sorry. I am not going to jump to be with him at his whim.

I am going to push to meet his kids, as I think that they are a great part of his life and for this to have a chance he needs to have the 2 parts of his life together, he worked very hard in the past to keep us apart, said that didn't work for him, so will see how this works!!!

I am going to go very slow as I had said I wouldn't talk to him for 6 months, I missed him!!! I did go out to dinner with the guy from online, and there was no chemistry there. I probably didn't give him a fair chance but I tried and I know that I can't make something happen that isn't there!

So hit me with it!!!! I am ready for all comments!!!! My oldest daughter told me that she gave us a week apart and said that I could go back on the 6 month thing at anytime!!!!

Dawn

Maybe he needed a wake-up call. I would give it a guarded try. I would date other people too - for now. I would make him earn a commitment and trust.

still, Did talk to him on his way home from work. Asked what I was doing and said I had the grandsons tonight and was going to the park, he could join us if he liked, said that he wanted my undivided attention for our talk and his plan, so asked about tomorrow night, he said after his kids went home, asked if I wanted to meet on his turf, my turf or neutral turf, said that I would like to meet at my house if he didn't mind! So am meeting tomorrow night about 8:30, says that he has a plan and wants my input into it. So am anxious to see what he came up with!

It's not that I am trying to make him jump through hoops by any means, but I do want to see the commitment and such before I let him back in!!!

So am still guarding my heart!!!!

Dawn

I went back and read this thread again. It reminded me that he has done this routine to you before. Try not to make it so easy for him to treat you like a yo-yo. You deserve some stability and consistency. You SHOULD be guarding your heart since he has a pattern of being great, being bad, getting dumped, snapping out of it, and repeating it all over again.