I had an affair about 6 months ago in response to an affair my wife had. I know it was the wrong thing to do and I can't believe I did it. I am not happy with what I have done and now I am not sure if I want to be in this marriage anymore. I love my wife dearly but not sure what I am supposed to do. We have been married for about 10 years now and have 2 kids. I love her and I have forgiven her for what she has done to me but she can't seem to forgive me. How is that fair? I mean I bent over backward to save our marriage the first time with little help from her and now I have been bending over backwards again and yet she is still not giving any and keeps threatening me with all kinds of things. I have been completely open with her about everything, given her full access to all my things and she keeps hiding things from me. She says has has no contact with the guy she cheated with but how do I know? She keeps talking to another guy friend of hers that she grew up with and dated long before me, but says it's nothing and it her outlet. I am a little concerened about him because he is always telling her to leave me and not put up with this. How am I supposed to take that, she cheated too. I know that is not an excuse for what I did and it is because of my own actions I am where I am. I just don't know what to do anymore. How long can I continue to be open with her and she not with me?

"How long can I continue to be open with her and she not with me?"

Question:

Isn't honesty a matter of your OWN integrity which is NOT dependent on your wife?

" How is that fair?"

You're kidding? Right?
FAIR?
Are you 7 years old?


Welcome to MARRIAGE BUILDERS

Here is what you need to do TODAY.

CALL the appointment center for a coaching session.
The number is in the link at the top of the page, in red, that says COUNSELING CENTER.

Your marriage, your FAMILY is in crisis and you need professional help.

You can advise your wife that is what you are going to do.
She does not need to participate in your first phone session.

I'm serious.
This can be fixed.
But neither of you has any marriage skills with which to fix this.
You be the first to call.
Is that "fair"?

Who cares !!!!!!!!!
Call today.

You need to stop being a wimp and begging her to come back, and you need to get this other guy out of the picture. Don't tolerate it. You need to get back in control of your relationship. And yes, your wife is now having an affair with this old boyfriend. Don't tolerate it.

Here's the question, if shes not willing to work it or want to be here then how do I get her to?

S2M,

Can you provide a time line for the two affairs?

Start, end, physical or emotional, etc

God Bless
Gamma

Well I am not totally sure about hers other than I found out about a year ago and she said it was only a short time and that it was physical and emotional with some guy she use to work with. Mine started out as emotional with a girl was friends with from back in the day. I confided in her because she was going through the same thing with her husband and turned physical about 8 months ago and I finally ended it by telling my wife. I couldn't keep hiding, it was eating at me. I told my wife in Jan about mine. I found out about hers in may09 by stumbeling onto emails with this guy.

THAT IS WHY YOU NEED TO CALL THE COUNSELING CENTER.

YOU have virtually zero skills.
You need a pro.
They will give you a concrete plan to attract your wife back to the marriage.

You cannot "get her to" unless you become THE MORE ATTRACTIVE OPTION.

CALL THEM!

Please listen to the advice you are getting.

Your children deserve it. They deserve two parents who love each other and treat each other well, in the same house.

Call the counseling center. Read about MB. Post and ask questions and listen to the answers.

You will receive a lot of good help; people will be on your side.

I think you need to start with the basics:


1. Expose both affairs to everyone in your families. Yep. Full blown nuclear exposure on yourself and your wife. Your families need to know that you two have cheated on one another, and that YOU want to save the marriage, despite the collosal screw-ups the two of you are. You need to do this lovingly, ask for their support, their help, their advice on how to KEEP THINGS TOGETHER. Tell them that you do not do divorce, you do marriage building, and any advice in that direction will be accepted.

2. When you talk to your wife after exposure, demand that she cease any and all contact with OM#1 - the guy she had an affair with, if she hasn't already. Then, demand that she stop "talking" with the guy who is advising her to leave you. He is an enemy to the marriage, as is any other male "friend" of hers who is not with the TWO of you together when he visits. This "friend" of hers might be welcome - if and only if he visits and talks when you are home, and is with the TWO of you together. Alone talking with your wife, or calls to her alone, etc., are not acceptable. - In other words, he needs to be gone.

3. You need to write a letter of no-contact to your affair partner. The both of you (your wife and you) need to pledge no-contact with your affair partners for the rest of your life.

4. The both of you need to look at Extraordinary Precautions on this website, and put them into practice IMMEDIATELY. Your wife is violating them right now, with this guy she "talks" to about your relationship. That "talking" needs to STOP, and that is part of EPs. Look for this info here, put your EPs into place, and do it NOW.


That looks to me to be a starting point for the two of you.


Your wife and you will HATE exposure.

Tooo durn bad. You need to do it because it looks to me like her affair was swept away too easily, and she is still in the wayward mindset. You are there now, too.


Get crackin'.


Call the Harleys - and this is a deal-breaker if your wife won't buy in to that call.


SB