Now who has the filters. I've read this whole thread and I see people warning you to get her into a rehab program and see what happens before you decide to save your marriage.

Any marriage building efforts will be futile and wear you down until she's into a recovery program that drug tests weekly or daily, she takes a lie-detector test and takes full ownership of her addiction and her cheating.

That's what I see people saying to you, especially those who have experience with addiction.

Adjust your filters. If all you are hearing is the few voices who shout from the cheap seats, you're missing a lot of good information that will help you.

I have said she is going into treatment. She has already been to the center!!!! Local center, doing what they are telling us.

I am protecting myself and my children first. I am helping her fix her addiction now.

That is exactly what I am doing. I will not just throw her out on the street!!

She has been a good mother for 13 years and has never done anything wrong to them. I know you say she did this wrong to them, I know that. You know what I mean when I say she has never done anything wrong to them

I have been to a family law lawyer, we sit on his back porch.


Yes I have had a little experience with hardcore drugs, not an expert but I know a thing or two.

It was an affair with drugs involved, maybe as the motivating factor.

This is what I have told her:

I am afraid you are just using to drug as an excuse.
I am afraid that you only stopped because I caught you.
I am afraid she doesn't really want help.
I am afraid of her doing it again.



I can only make my own judgements on her honesty. Trust me I am being cautious. I am not 100% sure I am getting the truth, how could I be.

She knows I have no proof of anything except that she was not at work.

I have told her, she or we can never be alright if she does not get completely honest. I see relief in her from when she was lying and when I felt she was being honest.


I am not as naive as I may seem to be. She has no access to accounts. She has no access to unaccountable time. I will be with her like a personal treatment worker. 24/7 monitoring.


But please give me a little credit on somethings. I am trying to gain a clean head to deal with this in the best way for my kids, then me. I will be here for her to get her healthy. I want my kids mom to be healthy. I have zero tolerance.

1 slip up and she is on her own.

Oh I have told my parents and brother about it. I have not told her family. I see the point of that, to make her accountable for her actions. Have to think about that a little. Dont know if its best to tear all her hope away from her.

Its more complex then just an affair or a drug addiction. its a lot more complex when you mix the two.

someone asked why she would give up so easy if I didn't have any proof.

Maybe that is a sign she wanted it to stop?

Maybe it's a sign that your so-called friend was blackmailing her by saying he'd tell all if she broke things off with him?

I hope you've cut all possibility of contact there.

He sounds like a real swell guy that you should notify the police so that they can catch him and let him have the consequences that all freelance pharmaceutical sales people should get!

It called hitting rock bottom. Rock bottom is different for each person, but generally people bottom out over some dramatic event i.e multiple DUI's, prison, waking up in a ditch covered in feces...seriously.

Dyna, if what your WW has told you so far is true, then you just scratched the surface.

She said she wanted it to stop, she drove by the local clinic a few times but couldn't go in. She said she was scared for what she had done, and did not know how she was going to end it. Not sure if I am buying that, but what can I prove, her current actions will prove that one way or another.

all forms have contact have been stopped, as best I can. Her cell number has changed, she could always call him. I have checked phone records I will do it again. She could drive over to his house, I am watching car mileage and accounting for all of her time.

I can only hope its rock bottom. I might of saved her before she hit bottom. Not sure if that is good or bad. Eventually he would of hurt her physically.


Not sure I get the scratched the surface comment? Are you saying she won't be completely honest and there is more things then I am being told?

Part of me thinks it was a game to get me.

He use to tell me how he was envious that I have a nice family. Of course his is split up.

She has been telling me that he was always comparing his business against mine. We both operate our own small business in the same industry. I run mine legally, he doesn't. After learning of that and it makes sense as he use to try to cut me on my business believes and how I do things.

He was feeding her full of things, that weren't true. She figured they could be true because we hang out together. I now know why he always was in contact with me and staying as friends. He used that against me to her.


I am telling you this guy is a real treat. Didn't know how much until now.


If I had my way he would OD on a pile of cocaine!!!! Or just put a gun to his head and pull the trigger.

The steps you have taken so far are good. You will definitely need to expose to her family and close friends. You will need all the support you can get to save her and your family.

People don't live with this addiction (50 year old woman, 2 year coked out sex affair), they die or go to prison, a lot of times both. I'd recommend going to a couple NA or AA meetings in you area and see for yourself how many women are there at the age of 50 with less that two years sobriety. If there is one, how does she look physically?

There is more to this story, trust that. Don't show your hand.

Try and take a step back for a moment and look at all the facts and what your WW has told you so far.

I mean take another step back and really get a good look at everything.

Keep looking, maybe take another step back.












What do you see?

I understand your resentment. Don't worry about harming this guy, sounds like he can dig his own hole deep enough himself.

I would really push to get her inpatient treatment. Here's the thing...addicts have two sides. When they're not using, they're still thinking about the fix but they see a little bit of the craziness they have caused and want it to stop. But they think it's hopeless. Then the connect comes calling and all reason is thrown out the window. Sure they want to stop but for someone hoooked on it for years, they're gonna fix. And if she's really having sex for drugs...then this is more serious than going to a clinic everyday.

I�ve seen chicks crying saying, �please don�t make me do this� with a glass pipe to their lips. The person is not making them. But they�re holding the pipe and saying, �it�s all good baby. Don�t worry�just hit this.� I�ve seen guys pawning stuff or trading things when they couldn�t even pay the rent or they�re stealing to use while their poor family wonders why he won�t stop. She may very sincerely want to quit, but it doesn�t mean she will. If she�s being as honest as you think she is then you�re miscalculating the power this drug has on people.

The fact that this guy can come around her at all is extremely dangerous. She needs inpatient to get her head clear. She needs to take random UAs. She needs NA or AA meetings. She needs to get STD tested. She needs a mileage tracker and GPS put on the vehicle. She needs to take a lie detector test. If she is serious about making changes, she will agree to this. You�ll feel like an absolute jerk by asking her to do these things but it�s for your families sanity and safety.

You�ve told her one more slip up and she�s out. But do you know the signs? Do you know what to look for? The fact that she�s managed to use on a regular basis and use her body for the drug is very telling that you have absolutely no idea what you�re dealing with or what to look for or this story is very fishy.

You can take my post how you want. It is what it is. I�m just giving you firsthand experience. I�ve had a lot of speed addicts in my life. I�ve seen a lot of people get strung out on this stuff. I do have to agree that there�s a lot missing from her story.

I can't do the quote thing: so here goes:

First, please get yourself into a 12-step group. I don't know what they are for drugs, as my husband's a recovering sex addict. Even getting yourself to Al-Anon for the time being will do. Right now, you are trying to minimize her behavior and "help" her. It's about the worst thing you can do for her.

You said: There are different levels of addiction. No, there isn't. You are an addict or you are not. Just like a woman is pregnant or she isn't. If a woman said to you "I'm a little pregnant" would you believe this?

You said "I'm going to stand by and help her." It's not your job to be her warden, to help your wife. Addiction freaking sucks, because you have to watch your partner, hoping and praying that they decide for themselves to make the choice to get sober and recover. The best you can do, is say "I'm glad you've made the choice to be sober. Glad to hear you've been clean for x amount of days." That's it. The journey to sobriety is one that your wife has to work, without your help. She has to recover for herself. If your wife doesn't do this for herself, she'll never get sober and recover.

I also find it interesting that you say addicts make good mothers. My mother was emotionally, verbally, and occasionally physically abusive. She also did, though, support my academics and my extra activities. So, are you saying that because she was involved, ie "a good parent" , I should sweep the abuse under the rug? Or the fact that I married an addict because it put me in the same dysfunctional systems that I was used to as a child? Should that be swept under the rug to be forgotten as well? Good parents do NOT abuse their kids. And addicts are not good parents. Period.

Sure, it would seem "cruel" to say "Honey, you are not welcome at home until you are sober for 6 months." But, it's helping her to her rock bottom faster. You'd be sending a clear message that you won't tolerate this behavior.

How do you know, at this point, that she's never brought drugs into the house? And if so, how could you be so compassionate about someone who could put YOU in a position where you'd loose YOUR kids... If my husband had EVER done anything that hinted that it might be illegal I would have kicked him out SO fast his head wouldn't have time to spin. It's simply just not acceptable.

"Not saying that at all. But what Gack is saying is plausible. If you want help, then this is the place to be."

More then plausible. Seen enough WW's willing to say anything to do damage control.

Once was a WW that doin the OM in the OM's pickup truck on her driveway. The BH comes home, catches them in the act the WW jumps out of the PU truck screams rape. The BH carries, pulls out his pistol, pulls off a few at the OM as he was driving away. Kills the OM. End of the story is that the WW crying wolf, arrested, tried and convicted for being responsible for the murder of the OM.

Moral of the storiy when a WW is caught they will say anything.

Consistent with Gack1's theory.

No one "gives" away enough cocaine to support a two-year habit, even if it is for sex (especially with a 50-year old). If she has been "addicted" for two years, then there would be a money trail and a huge drain on your finances.

If your "friend" has access to this much cocaine, then he deals it and doesn't give it away. You would have seen the signs of his dealing (constant phone calls, constant visitors, etc.).

The fact that there is not a money trail means her story doesn't add up.

There might have been an occasion or two where the OM had some cocaine and they shared it during one of their rendevous, but the affair was the driving force, not some made up addiction.

She is making up this "addiction" story to have something to blame the affair on. Don't buy it. She had this affair because SHE wanted to.

Dynamow, sorry you are here. it would be best for everyone if you told her family. Telling her family helps wake her up and recruits more people to help you and your wife. You both need their support.

If your children are over 4-5, they should be told about their mother's affair too. Children should not be given false explanations for the tension in their home. That just teaches them dishonesty.

And your kids have probably been exposed to this guy too so your explanation will resolve their confusion. And if they know this guy is a bad guy, they can tell you if he comes to the house in your absence.

Exposure

Don't give into the tempation to help her hide her affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so the more people that know, the more people to hold her accountable. It is ok if she is embarrassed about her affair. She should be embarrassed. Being embarrassed will help wake her up. Embarrassment = GOOD.

The next step will be to make sure she and the OM have ended all contact? Has all contact ended? Have you independently verified this?

The fact that she works a night shift which enables parallel lifestyles is one of the conditions that has led to this affair. I would strongly suggest that she quit the night shift and get on a shift that allows you spend as much time together as possible.

I agree, if there was any drug use it was slight, and very infrequent.

But I still believe she is blaming a non existent (Or much slighter than you stated) drug addiction for her affair. She definitely was not to the point of having "Coke-Ho SEX" or you would have known about it.

Another thing that bothers me is the "He said you where doing it" and her belief that somehow justifies or legitimizes her actions, and actually believing him. If he said that, I doubt she believed him. This is just another excuse, this one to blame away the "Alleged" drug abuse.



DynaMow, lets just for a moment, treat this as we would treat a normal affair. Because just like a normal affair you need to snoop. You are woefully low on verifiable Intel, you need to get some.


First
Land Air Sea sells a low cost GPS tracking unit. Just stick it under her car, after a few days pull it off and download the files. It will show you everywhere she went, how long she was stopped, and even how fast she was going. All laid out over a google earth map.
http://www.landairsea.com/gps-tracking-systems/gps-tracking-key.html

Second
Go to any electronics store and buy a few Voice Activated Recorders. Put one in her car, place the rest in strategic locations around the house.

Hide both of them where she cant find them, and do NOT tell her or warn her about them.



Now a few questions about OM, sorry if you have already stated this. If you did, I missed it.

1. Is he married? Has he been married?

2. Does he have any children?

3. Have you ever seen him, or ever had anyone else say he used cocaine?

4. Does he have any contact with your wife at work?

Bump