Seriously, don't take know for an answer. As a BS, you should be capable of developing some serious James Bond type intelligence and surveillance. If you have his full name, you can probably find his parents for free. $50, and you can know everything you ever wanted to know about the guy. Also, NC has Alienation of Affection laws. You can get a lawyer to write a cease and decist contact order to OM and if he still contacts your WW, you can sue him.

Again, I think you should just move on, but if you are going to fight, then fight full force. Don't be scared or timid. Be strong and determined.

If he indeed is in North Carolina then he can sue for divorce on the grounds of adultery, and then it may only take about 3 months. This would also absolve him of any spousal support requirements. If there is any concern about him getting her out of the house, in NC you can also file for divorce from bed and board in cases of adultery. However, you need to have pretty definative proof of adultery. As you said - he NEEDS to talk to a lawyer ASAP before he messes up and gives her an opportunity to go after him for support or access to the home.

Yes definitely see a lawyer. The divorce laws in North Carolina are complex and it is not a community property state. There are specific steps that you need to take to protect yourself financially, especially since the home is in your name. Your lawyer can tell you what steps you need to take. Fortunately, adultery CAN be used in NC in awarding/not awarding alimony.

I do live in NC but im a resident of WI and I was planning on getting a WI divorce, because of the one year seperation and also because NC divorce laws are complex. But I did not know that i could use adultery against her, so maybe NC divorce would be best?
But then again she has agreed to a non contested WI divorce, the papers are filled out waiting on signatures, and everything is divided to both of our likings

I think you need to have lived in NC for 6 months, but I am not sure on that. NC is as punative as it gets for adultery (no alimony, no bed and board, alienation of affection, even sometimes consideration for custody), but if you have a clear, easy path for uncontested divorce in WI that gives you everything you want, that would surely be cheaper than taking on a big fight in NC. I think you still should at least have a consultation with an NC attorney to make sure you dont take any actions that she can use against you, though.

ok, i will do that, i have lived in NC for 2 years but im active duty military so I still pay WI state taxes and have a home address there

I think the laws are more favorable in NC, so I would look into getting a divorce there if possible. Who cares if it takes a year. Most take at least 6 months anyway. Again, you can sue her paramours to get them away from her if you want. But then again, just get away from her. She is nothing but trouble. I don't care how much you love her. There are plenty of women out there to love that won't go screwing around on you with half the town. Love is a choice. Choose wisely who you give your love to.

Jim Ive gotta ask, Ive been reading your story, havent gotten too far yet, im busy at work but I cant help but notice you and your wife are a younger couple, with no kids, and D-day was not too long after you got married, and you are in recovery. Why is it that everyone keeps telling me shes not worth it. I know its different because there been mulitple affairs, but out of the 4 years ive been with her 6 months have been terrible, 6 months before that werent good, but the other 3 years have been the best 3 years of my life with her. And i honestly feel that this is some crazy phase she is in.

I'm not trying to say you guys are wrong, your advice is priceless, but I cant help but think that since the 3 good years are unacounted on here that im right when i say it is worth saving.

Here is why my advice to you is different than what I did.

1) We were married twice as long before my WW had her affair.
2) My WW did not have sex w/ OM. Yours is screwing half the town.
3) I should have divorced my WW. A huge part of me regrets not doing so then.

As for your situation, 3 great years is why you are trying to save this? That's it? Three years? You've got 50 more years. After 30 more crappy years with her are you going to look back and say, "man, we had a great 3 years together." Anyone can have 3 good years together. In any relationship, you can have 3 good years, but then throw responsibility, work, kids, etc., into the mix and it all falls apart. When do you think most marriages fall apart? The first major time people get divorced is in the first 3 years. Then the next major time is right after children are born. Then the 3rd major time is after the children leave the house.

College was a great 4 years, but do you see me staying in it for 40 more years? At some point you have to realize the past is the past and move on.

You are the only person that can make that call. Jim is the voice of experience though and may be on to something as to what your future holds. Multiple affairs speaks of a larger issue than just a "crazy phase". You may not feel it now, but years down the road the resentment for her betrayal may hit you square between the eyes and by then you will have wasted the good years of your youth. There needs to be some serious growing up done for this marriage to survive.

Agreed. This is not just a "crazy phase." True character is revealed in times of crisis. Your WW may have been all sweet and nice when things were good, but she just showed you who she truly is. You don't like it, do you? Then why would you stay with her once you found out the truth about her?

Well ive got alot of thinking to do, but i dont think it will hurt to go to a modified plan B with alittle bit of hope for a turn around, and if she never agrees to my terms then atleast i tried

Explain what a "modified" plan B is?

A plan to fail.

The following quote was written by a long ago Mber, Takola.
It's a light hearted approach to a serious issue.




When you come to MARRIAGE BUILDERS looking for marriage help ...

PLEASE ** PLEASE ** PLEASE

READ and FOLLOW the ENTIRE "recipe".

ASK for help, if you do not understand the "recipe".

Don't think that if you follow the "easy" parts of the "recipe", and leave out the more challenging parts, you will get the same results.

You won't.

ARE YOU GOING TO SUE BETTY CROCKER, BECAUSE YOU DID NOT FOLLOW THE RECIPE AND YOUR CAKE CAME OUT CRAPPY?

If you do a "modified plan B", and it fails, you cannot place blame for the failure on the MB plans that you did not follow.
Just so you know.

I'm not saying I'm trying to do things different than what people are saying, I wish I would have found the website sooner than I did. The reason I said "modified plan B" is because I was not able to start from the begining with exposure, then plan A, then plan B. I know Plan B itself will not work, but as I said in the begining when I first found out I blamed myself, I have a very religous friend that gave me some advice, and his advice was pretty much describing a plan A. He told me to change my ways and meet her needs and love her unconditionally and not cause her any pain but let her know that what she is doing is hurting me. I did this for around 3 months before I found this site. I did expose to my side of the family early on, but I did not expose to her side until a few days ago. Gack about your post before, I DID give her the plan B letter as she was leaving, I asked her if she wanted to move back in with her parents, she said no so i asked her to leave and be totally gone by the next day, She got mad and packed a small suitcase and as she was leaving I gave her the letter and told her to pick up the rest of her stuff while I was at work.
And Jim I did not mean to offend you, so sorry if I did.
With all that said, yesterday she did come get the rest of her stuff while I was at work as I requested, she was still there when i got home. She then explained to me everything, i don't know if it was lies, fog or whatever, but she said that she was unhappy with me when she found out I was keeping in touch with an ex girlfriend about a year ago and she started talking to one of our mutual friends about how she was unhappy with me, she went on to explain how they started getting feelings for eachother and how hed always tell her how he could treat her better than I could. They both have denied any sexual contact other than they "made out" I still don't believe it but whatever. She also said that "josh" is the only person she had actual feelings for. I asked "what about the people you slept with?" she told me she doesnt know, she was just lost and stupid and she didnt want it but gave into it. After I listened to her explain her story to me I told her I was sorry for keeping in contact with me ex girlfriend and I would never contact "katie" again, but I still needed her to leave and respect the letter I wrote her. She acknowledged that she would follow it and told me that she was going to move back in with her parents in WI and that she was leaving this weekend, and that shed be at TJ's until then. Later last night after I had already gone to bed, she came back over to the house and woke me up. Like ive mentioned before im trying to quit smoking so i was on sleeping pills so I dont remember much of anything last night all i remember is her saying that she wanted to stay with me, and that shed agree to my terms of the plan B letter, I dont remember what I said, but i also remember her trying to sleep in the same bed as me for the first time in a while.
what now? do i believe her? what changed her mind? theres no way me exposing to her parents and kicking her out made her change her mind in 2 days. And even if shes telling the truth, and is serious about agreeing to my terms what do I do next?
any thoughts?

Then what you were trying to do was plan B. However, you hadn't really planned on what to do if she agreed to your plan B conditions. She might just be manipulating you into allowing her to stay when she has no intention of actually following through on your conditions.

First thing I would do is to set up an appointment for her with Steve Harley. Then, you need to make it very clear that she must agree AND follow through on all your plan B conditions. Otherwise, she's back out. Don't allow her back and then have her only half-@ss it. That was my mistake. She needs to be fully on board, or she can hit the highway.

thank you jim, I agree if shes on board already then great I was preparing for alot worse, but if not then yes shes gone. does anyone have experience with talking to Dr. Harley? is it hard to get an appointment? and I dont know how many sessions I can afford. I might be able to afford 1 session a month at most. well maybe 2 sessions per month now that I quit smoking =]

DO NOT BACK DOWN ON YOUR PLAN B!

But if you want her back then do the following...

1. Make an App with SH
2. Have her write a NC letter TO ALL THE BOYS she slept with or made out with....and you send them!
3. Have transparency, you haveing all the passwords to email, phone, FB, etc
4. Honesty, she has to tell you EVERYTHING, and where ever she goes you must know about.
5. 20 UA (Undivided Attention) per week
6. A poly test (if she doesn't agree with this, then you are going to be in a fake recovery)
7. Read HNHN TOGETHER
8. She has to delete her FB account and make a "JOINT" account with you.

That would be your terms for her to stay, if she doesn't want to follow just ONE of them KICK HER OUT!