I have been reading a lot of posts here. Even though the 1: can be cruel the WW seems to be more ruthless or evil. Whatever word you want to describe them. Now I am not talking about 611 but active 11. Take the 11 I know her actions were deplorable. She caused her husband the most amount of pain possible and she keeps on inflicting pain to this day. I have to wonder what happens to woman when she cheats. 1hy are they more ruthless than men?

I believe that all cheaters are selfish, ruthless, deceitful, and devoid of rational thought. I know I was. And none of my real friends or family approved of what I did. However, when all was said and done, they supported DH and I in our recovery, and I am grateful to say that none of them bears ill will toward me now or is obsessed with my actions. I am truly and undeservedly blessed.

tiaga, that is a hard question to answer and maybe I need to think about it more. It does seem like the female waywards are much entitlement minded and tend to be more cruel and flagrant with their abuse. Men also tend to put up with alot more abuse than any woman ever would.

Lurioos,

I am so happy that you were able to recover your marriage.

Melody I think you hit the nail on the head WW seem to have more entitlement issues than the WH. I read some of the posts here and I am shocked that some BH's don't "take the bull by the horns" and stand up for their family all in the name of not wanting to upset the WW who is completely destroying the family.

I have read stories about false DV accusations, trying to take the kids away, etc. From what I have read here WH's seem less prone to that.

I've been here a couple years and I'd say it goes both ways, there are extremes on both sides.

Pariah's ex, Chai's ex...

HH's WH...hmm, that reminds me, Holy hasn't updated in a while!

I can comment as an FWW. I never felt "entitled" to have an A. I don't even know what that means. From my perspective I think that WWs throw themselves completely into the A where a WH probably doesn't. I think WHs compartmentalise the A. They are more likely to cake eat wheres a WW is looking to end their M or and be with the OM or they tell themselves it is love. I think WHs aren't looking to end their M, they can deal with having both women and when push comes to shove they prefer the status quo.

My H stood up for our M. He told me he was a man and I was his woman and no one else was ever going to get in the way of that. If he'd behaved like some men I see here, frightened of their women, we would never have recovered. My H told me that he would divorce me in a flash and never look back if another A occurred.

I think WWs are more ruthless because they invest more emotionally in an A.

As a FWW aI totally get the "entitled mentality" and I now know that it felt relief to cause some pain back to him. Complete and utter entitlement fuelled my A. But I was also so depsertae for an escape and a way out of the M (but obvioulsy not that desperate cos with the physical abuse I did have an easy escape) And on reflection I think I enjoyed inflicitng pain, although I was never sure that I was inflicting pain - cos as you guys sort of said - blokes seem a lot more tolerant/turn a blind eye.

Both of us were very abusive - we are now both a lot less abusive - me with the A and emotionally and him physically and emotionally.

I'm not sure what as in my head but firstly I didn't like my H and secondly I wanted to have the things that I thought I was entitled to. My H could provide the money and sex and the OM conversation, admiration and affection. I was a cake eater.

Thats exactly the attitude I mean. They feel like they were entitled to have an affair. Thanks for being honest.

hmmmmmm....I'm not sure I agree. I know a lot of WH who were just as cruel as any WW. My own H, TST, and Flick did A LOT of cruel things to their BW's. I was horrified at some of the things H did during his affair, and just as horrified when I read about SMB'S and Lil's trials. Waywards are just awful, awful, AWFUL. And as far as ruthless, I'm thinking your more or less referring to the kids. Maybe when it comes to them, possibly.

And as far as entitlement, well, I remember very clearly a conversation right after Dday, where H told me that he thought the A was something he could do for himself. That he deserved this...... . And he kept on doing this for 5 more months....so I KNOW he was feeling pretty darn entitled. He'll tell you himself this today.

The fact of the matter remains all affairs are cruel, whether the adulterer is the H or W. They become selfish, cruel, and entitled, doing ANYTHING that keeps their addiction going.

Quite possibly, we tend to think WW are worse because as women ourselves we can't understand the mindset of the WW. I bet the men think the same when they read about WH's.

Not

IMHO, I think H's and W's have A's for totally different reasons. Men want sex and women want to feel needed, wanted and loved. I have to agree with Kiwi, women are much more emotionally invested in affairs. Where men can go, have sex, and be done. Of course, there is the exception to every rule.

I don't think it's gender thing. IMO ruthlessness is most obvious when the WS seems to have the attitide that they will do whatever they want and use any tool at their disposal to get what they want, don't feel bad about that and expect the world will adjust around them.

Certainly a large part of that comes from the personality of the individual. I think both women and men can have these types of personalities.

However, I do think this ruthlessnes can also be affected by the "process" in which the A came about. At least in my observation, WS's whose process is they decide the M is over, then have an A seem to be more ruthless than those that start an A and then as the A progresses decide to end the M. With the former, any internal conflict they may have had about the ending of their M has been resolved and is no longer evident post d-day. The lack of internal conflict about choices that hurt people is what appears, or is, ruthless. With the later, the internal conflict is still evident which tends to mitigate the appearence of ruthlessness.

Given that, I will say the WW's seem to more often be the type where they decide the M is over then committ adultery, so perhaps that influences things.

But overall, I'd guess it has more to do with the individual's personality more than anything else.

That is sort of rare though. We don't usually see that attitude with the wayward husbands as a rule. It is more common with the wives.

The other difference is that wayward wives routinely try to eject the BH from his home and take his children from him. So, the cruelty goes to a higher level more often, I think.

Actually, I think this is sort of a foolish argument [which is worse, rape or assault? ] and the only reason I am even still commenting is because I so love to debate with not2fun and because I am a little crazy.. .

I remember the summer I found out about WH A...He said "This summer is the summer of (his name)" and I remember saying "I thought that was last summer" and he said "Yeah now this summer is too".

The two summers he was in A...

With my 1st EA I didn't want to end the M, but my 2nd Ea I did want to end the M.

This is a very hard thread to comment, because I wouldn't know which would be more ruthless then the other.

Why, if they want to end the M, do they not tell the poor BS? So they stay M until the affair is dicovered? My WH told me in his mind the M was already over. IDK if anyone knows the answer to that except for WH.....Its just so unnerving!

Oh good Lord woman, hush your mouth....the LAST thing I need my H thinking is that he was "special", because Mel said so...... ....


Now this is completely true. H would have NEVER thought of throwing me out of the house. He just moved out himself......it does puzzle me where these WW "think" they should get the house. It puzzles me even more when the BH actually DOES this (my dad included in this....). UNLESS, it is to effect Plan B, of course....


Be honest Mel, you really mean you like to PICK on me.......

Not

ps....ALL WAYWARDS SUCK....

Generally speaking, yes.

WW's are typically riding a chemical high from there infatuation. They truly believe they have found their soul mate, and will do ANYTHING in there power to protect and project there fantasy. Because of this they are more likely to villionize there BH to a further extent than a WH will.

They are making decisions based purely on emotional needs and reactions.

Even Dr, Harley says that WW are typically harder to get back in the marriage than WH.




They are both cruel, but a WW is typically more so.

I am reading this and have my own thread, but a quick question. What does it mean if the wife is a WAW, leaves me with the house and the kids, and moves into a crappy apartment just to get away. Says she no longer has feelings for me and would rather live alone by herself that alone with me. I have woken up and am trying Plan A, but she is moving out next Thurs.
Thanks

That she having an affair and will do anything to be with OP.