You can also ask at your local Christian bookstore.

I'm going to get it tonight. I've been putting DS7 to bed early so that I can go some coffee at night or just drive around. I just need to wind down in the evenings.

I went all over this city to Barnes and Nobles, Lifeway, and Borders. There's not a single copy anywhere. I'm going to just order from the internet.

Well, I finally started taking meds today. My mother convinced me to start because of my meltdown last night. Now that I'm home and completely alone, I have way too much thinking time on my hands.

Sooo right now I'm watching Julia and Julia; my favorite movie thus far.

To control your reactions:

After someone says something to you, do not verbally respond for 15 seconds.


This affords some interesting results, HopeE. The most often result? The other person says something else - something VERY HONEST, that they had not considered saying at all. The other person gets quite uncomfortable with that silence after they have spoken. Quite powerful, that 15 seconds of silence. Bugs the crap out of some people, and that 15 seconds is GOLD for you.

Seriously GOLDEN.

With your teenager, you gain 15 seconds of time to figure out what they might be thinking, and they OFTEN come back and retract what they just said - regain their common sense, and actually do the RIGHT THING. Yep.

With your WS, they come back and say what they really mean, make an offer of honest concession, or tell you what they are actually doing. The truth comes out in that 15 seconds, with a shrug and a "confession" to you. You might give a WS about 20 or 30 seconds, just for good measure, while you look at the WS calmly and neutrally.

In a bargaining situation (like a car dealer, or a boss when you want a raise, etc.) that 15 or 30 seconds gets you what you want more often than not. The fact is, that gap of silence is filled with a concession or counter-offer faster than you might believe, and more often than you can shake a stick at.


The bonus is, on the off-chance that you are impatient enough not to wait the full 15, you at least give yourself the bonus time to THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.

sb

I LOVE this SB... I'm going to try it out myself!

That's a great thing for me to practice; I'll try it. The book, "when he leaves" is awesome. These two woman are perfect at writing down everything that I have going on inside me. I was actually able to see how my mind is working and that I'm feeling, thinking and surviving exactly as I should be.

It's so wonderful that I'm already on chapter 8. Any other ideas for reading material that helped you all get through this. I'm already reading and memorizing scripture, but it helps to read stories from others who have gone through this pain.

Hung out with friend tonight while hashing out my entire marriage. I can't believe how much friends see that I never saw. Also, tonight I learned something from my DS11 that bothered me so much. He told me that long before this all happened, he asked his daddy why he didn't let me come to the lake? WH said, "Because it's the only part of my life that she hasn't ruined."

How can he say this? How have I ruined his life? I've followed him all over and I've completed everything he has ever asked me to do. Every venture was supported by me and I followed him from place to place so that he could follow his dreams. Of course every failure was blamed on me....I guess he feels I've sabotaged his life.

I've officially been in plan B for a whole month. I can't believe that I have not spoken to him or seen him for 4 weeks. There have been some triggers over that time due to my own digging, etc...but I can't tell everyone how tempted I've been to call him or text him about how I feel.

I'm just trying to get through each day. God is accomplishing new things in me everyday. I have even dared to dream of the future.

Atta girl! You will get THROUGH this with your dignity and sanity intact regardless of the outcome because you've got a plan and you're stickin' to it!

(((HopeE)))

Thanks Meggy,

My attorney contacted me today and his attorney did not even show up to the hearing yesterday....what a joke. It's good for me though.

So did the hearing go foward without him? Were there any significant rulings made? What an idiot! Can we say malpractice?

A woman with a plan AND a competent attorney.

Yea!!!!

The hearing was to force the signing of the temporary orders. She could not get his "aunt" attorney (probate lawyer) to respond to her calls or emails. My attorney had to do a motion to sign....that's what yesterdays hearing or meeting was about at court. She said I didn't have to attend...it would be mostly legal arguments. Anyway, she didn't show, so I'm assuming there were no arguments.LOL

She said that the judge had to sign the orders.

If you are in the reading mood, I do have a book recommendation. This book really is not a book regarding affairs, but it is actually one that is supposedly for "business" people.

It is written by the Arbinger Institute, which is a group of philosophers. They are able to explain very difficult concepts in this book - the concepts of self-deception and self-betrayal.

While the storyline is about a man who has difficulty at work, the concepts presented are readily and easily applicable to the situation of an affair-entrenched mindset. I read the book about two years after d-day, and it really helped me concretely understand the mental moment in which my husband made the "switch" to betraying me - and himself - and all that happened thereafter, and actually how and why his "justifications" worked in his head.


You have to understand that I am a scholar of mentation and cognition, and this made so much sense to me - and the Arbinger Institute is a leading group in the field. Their ability, however, to put these most difficult of concepts into words and an analogy that the average Joe can relate to is astounding.


The book?

Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting out of the box.


If you Google it, you do not get the chapters from the book. You can get a somewhat watered-down scholarly article (which is difficult to understand unless you have philosophy and cognitive vocabularies!). The book is terrific, and in my case, gave me a very solid touchstone of understanding a basic human concept - for myself as well as others.


I changed much about myself after reading this book.

I also recognize the snap moment in others - and when I work with patients, can pin them down to THEIRS. Very very very helpful for insight into one's behavior.


SB

Oh, and once you have this down, they have others, too!

I think I'll get it....I'm almost finished with "when he leaves" and I'll be ready for another. I'll google it and try to order over the internet.

I'm having another gloomy evening. It seems I'm almost where I was at the discovery point. I'm skipping meals again and crying everyday.....mostly in the evenings. The phone is silent and many times I can't reach out to anyone. Believe it or not, my husband and I did have conversation. He's a talker and so am I.

It's funny...when we were in the ministry, we use to have loads of biblical discussions over everything from eternal salvation to the security of the believer. He was very knowledgable of the work of God. That's what makes his behavior so incredulous. I'm amazed at the switch. I miss talking to him; I also get completely mad and feel hatred toward him. He's making our family a statistic...something he said he would never do because of his life growing up. Here he is not only wanting a divorce, but totally distancing himself from his children.

Honestly, there are things that you say your WH said that my WH also said. It is so eerie. It makes me realize that there is hope for me since I see much hope for you.

About wanting to call your WH and talk to him or yell at him, I know EXACTLY what you are saying. That is your taker SCREAMING that she wants some JUSTICE and to get some AOs out so WH will hurt too. Isn't it good to have found MB and been led down the right path.

Have you watched the movie Fireproof? It was a SPECTACULAR movie. Just make sure you have some kleenex.

HopeE,

It is possible that your husband's conversion was a false one.

I have known a few people who have actually used a conversion to cover up issues in themselves. False conversions. For example, I knew a man who had this huge conversion - he was covered in God, so to speak. He went to church every time the doors were open. He participated in youth group, helped lead services, helped with youth organizations, outreach and coordination with other churches. He went to Moody Bible College, and asked for my daughter's hand in marriage.

My daughter ultimately broke off the engagement, never really explaining why, except that she no longer loved or trusted him, that there was something not right with him.

We did not press her, and she went on with her life.

The man went on to convert to Catholicism. He decided to become a Franciscan priest. He joined the Seminary.

Then, he suddenly quit. Everything. No longer a Christian. No longer believed in God. No longer....anything.

An atheist.

And......

Announces he is homosexual.



Begins a "new life" as a gay man.


Parties all the time. Drugs, liquor, you name it.


That lasted for awhile. Now, he is settled down, and is onto a new deal in his life. Going back to college for something else.

Right.


He changes his skin according to

I have no idea according to WHAT?????


But that is one example of a false conversion that I have seen. He was briefly convincing.

But when you talked to him, you knew he was "searching" more than he was "found", if you know what I mean.

I have met my share of these.


Does this help?

SB

Scotland,

Yes, I've seen Fireproof and it's a great movie. OUr church did a big thing with it including showing the movie and a 6-week course for couples. I begged my husband to go that it would help us and of course he would not go.

Schoolbus,

These are the exact thoughts that I have had too. Sometimes I think he saw a career opportunity in God and then he needed the right wife to go along with the job. It didn't matter though, I still was not good enough for the job.

It's been a week and still no call to the kids. He is unbelieveable. I have a feeling this is going to be a tough year.

God help me to make the right choices.