I've read so much at this point that I'm a bit confused. I'll try to be short and concise.

I'm 29, wife is 25, marriage 3 years. She grew rapidly distant in under 2 months and I found her having an emotional affair with a co-worker. They were going on dates and there were at least 2 instances of kissing and hugging. At the moment, I don't believe that any sex occurred. D-day was 8 days ago.

I confronted my wife, she showed virtually no remorse and at the time didn't know if she wanted to work on saving our marriage. The next day however, she agreed that we should try.

After finally sitting down to talk about it, she agreed to write and deliver a no-contact letter. In the meantime I found that she was keeping up with him on facebook, a lot. She did reveal a few emails that he sent her at work. Last night I found her search history on "My husband took me back after I cheated but I don't want to be marriage anymore".

She talked to a friend for an hour on the phone. Afterwards I came to her, asked how she was since I know she's struggling. She then cried and admitted she tracked down her affair partner at work to talk. He told her how unique she is, that he only wants her to be happy, and not coming home to someone that makes her miserable. She then explained that she doesn't want to be married and rather than be with her co-worker would rather be alone. She also say's she married too young (at 22) and never had time to be alone in her 20's. She is suggesting separation also; both by home and finances.

She also agreed to counseling which will start early next week. She's declined my suggestion that she quits her job. (I make decent money and can sustain us just fine)

She also can't remember being happy with me, which she was, but that's expected as I've come to learn. My question is this:

My wife is having an emotional affair and some physical contact. She delivered a no-contact letter and agreed to work on marriage on Tuesday (3 days ago). She has no let go emotionally, on facebook, or at work from her emotional "lover". The "lover" I've learned has done this before, perhaps at work, and been in trouble for trying to break up a marriage. He's a bad guy, which hurts me all the more. My wife and I had a fairly good day yesterday (all things considered) and I'm finding levels of patience and love I never knew I had. Also levels of pain I couldn't have imagined. I love my wife so much and have been knocked completely off my feet by this. I have not exposed this to family which is where I'm stuck. She's reluctantly showing effort, but contact with the other man is being continued at times. Though to her credit, she managed to let me drag one instance of contact out into the open. Should I expose the affair to our families?

ps. I'm also taking vacation so I can read His Needs Her Needs and am 1000% committed to bettering myself. I want my wife back. The real and happy her.

Welcome to MARRIAGE BUILDERS.

Is OM married?
Is there any way you can meet OM face to face and tell him to butt out, you love your wife, and you intend to fight for your marriage?
Only do this if you have excellent self control.

do you have any children? if not, empty the joint bank account and tell her to pound sand.

at 29, you have so much life ahead of yourself. you dont want to deal with this nonsense. don't fool yourself, she is not having an EA with "some physical contact". that is called a physical affair, and i doubt it is just a little contact. you will always be wondering 'is she doing it again?'. once you have children, it will be even tougher to walk away.

it may suck now, but in 3 years you will look back and realize you did the right thing.

TTG

Sorry about the missing info.

We have no children.
The OM is not married. He's enjoying his single life: day job, cheap beer and partying by night.
I have great self control, at least until I snap, at which point I could do anything. Several people have commented they don't know how I haven't destroyed this man already.

@Pepperband Why do you think a confrontation with the OM would help? He knows me, I've eaten at his table, met his friends. He doesn't care about what he's doing to my marriage or me.

@throughtheglass Those very thoughts have crossed my mind more than once. I never wanted to deal with this kind of situation and pain.

Sorry you are here but welcome.

First, if you change your thread title to something like, "Help needed to end WW's EA" or "should I expose", you will likely get more traffic. Since the thread is new, I believe you can do it yourself or you can ask the mods to do it by clicking "Notify".

Get your Plan A together. 1) Snooping ~ Get a keylogger & VAR installed and start gathering your evidence. 2) Read up on meeting ENs and (most importantly) avoiding Lovebusters.

When I landed here at MB, my H was working with his OW and the message that I got hammered with is --> as long as they are working together, you won't be able to recover. It will feel like dday over and over again. It was so true...so I just want to give you fair warning.

Is OM on FB? Who have you exposed this to?

Hang in there. I'll try to post you some links before I need to run...

Read, read, read...

Carrot&Stick of Plan A

Read my lips: No Contact means No Contact

@SusieQ
I did the Keylogger today. Of course, I suspect that work related communication is the vast majority of communication if not all of it; and I can't view any of it.

What are ENs?

And YES! My gosh does it feel like D-Day each day! Plus I find out that contact does happen!

The OM is on facebook. I've exposed this to a former boss/friend and his wife. They were my first point of contact on D-Day when I lost my head. Beyond that I've talked to my younger brother and a co-worker of my wife's that knows all parties involved.

Just a little bit ago I noticed that my wife was searching for "eavesdropping" on google just before we met for lunch (which is the first lunch we've had together in a while).

Do you think you could confront him safely?
It probably would not stop him, if he is indeed as ruthless as you say.

If there was kissing involved - technically it is a PA.

Do not tell your wife about this site, nor expose her communication with OM. Keep your methods a secret. Redirect your source of info.

There is a letter here that exposes the EA at work to ensure that no wasted time takes place between the couple during office hours. Hopefully someone will post you the Company letter. I can't find it in the notable posts.

Make sure that she will not understand your call name if she should discover this site.

We are all behind you!

EN = Emotional Needs.

Sorry you haven't gotten more posts yet...

There is a recent poster whose WS was having an A with a coworker who got some good posts about exposure. I'll do some cutting & pasting and link the thread for you...

LINK

More...

Here's your problem, ob: your WW has written a NC letter, but is still in contact with the OP. So the NC letter means nothing. She still works with him and is still Facebooking him. This A will not die until NC is established, and that is going to involve her quitting her job (unless he quits first, which would be great but don't expect it.)

I have been reluctant to post to your thread because I get the impression that you will allow your WW's job to be Priority No. 1 to your M. If that is the case, nothing I can suggest will help. You will have chosen your course of marital death.

If, however, you are willing to listen to us, and force her to leave her job and her lover, we'll help you kill this A and save your M. Up to you.

FYI, it doesn't matter if the OM is the scum of the earth and trying to break up families because it's his hobby, or the Pope in a crisis of human-ness. OM is in an A with your WW. That's all you need to work on. Don't use his "past" to make her see the light. Ain't gonna happen. Concentrate strictly on killing the A, not making your WW see what a POS the OM is.

@Maritalbliss

Thanks. I will listen. I told my friend yesterday I'd go be a s**t shoveler the rest of my life if it'd help rebuild and protect our marriage. I am asking her today to quit her job.

I have a terrible feeling that she will not comply. Her resentment for me and infatuation with the OM is so great even after a week. I mean, barely 24 hours ago I managed to squeeze out of her that she's seen him again.

obr, sorry you are here. I would suggest DEMANDING she leave the job or this will lead to divorce. I would explain to her that your will marriage will not recover until she ends all contact with the OM.

Have you exposed the affair to Human Resources? Many companies do not want to employ adulterers and they have an issue with this.

Well, I had her read a printout of the No Contact article from affaircare.com. She was quiet a while. We talked some and I explained that for us to truly work on our marriage, I'm asking her to quit her job Monday morning.

She got really upset, cried, said I'm trying to isolate her more, that her only stability is through work (which by the way she's not enjoyed until the past two months). She told me that she can't quit her job. I'm hoping that she'll change her mind.

I rode out the storm and she settled some. I stressed that I can't force her to do any of this. That we both have choices to make and enforcing a real and absolute no-contact policy is required if we want to make our marriage work.

After a while she agreed to read His Needs Her Needs, at least for now. She's reading as I type this.

If she can't quit her job, it will be time to expose this to her family, boss, and friends. She will hate me all the more, but I have to try.

@MelodyLane

Funny that you should bring up contacting human resources. The OM is in Human Resources and may be the head of it! (I'm not certain of his official title.)

The only person at work I can think of contacting is my wife's supervisor whom has been there over 25 years and has a great deal of authority within the company. Again, dealing with Human Resources is a little dangerous it seems.

She won't hate you when she sobers up from the high of her affair. Exposure is step #1 in recovering your marriage, obr. I would go forward with this.

The OM should be exposed via certified letter to a company VP, ccing both of their direct supervisors. We have a template letter for this.

Is the OM married? If so, his wife should be notified pronto.

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney. This letter should be mailed/delivered to the Director of HR, with cc's to a key VP and the infidel's supervisors. It should go to 3 people with all being cc'd so that no one is tempted to throw the letter away.

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS

obr, this is a waste of time until she quits the job and ends all contact with the OM?

Is the OM married? If so, does his wife know? If he is married, I would call his wife TODAY and be prepared to take a letter into the company VP on Monday.

obr, you have made some missteps, hopefully they will not derail your efforts to bust up this A.

1) DON'T share MB info with your WW until all contact has ended. It is fruitless and will frustrate you more. Hopefully she won't remember how to get to the forum. Erase it from your history and erase any bookmarks you may have on your computer. Don't read it around her anymore! Please.

While she is still working with OM, she is still the equivalent of a crack addict still taking crack. ONce you can really absorb this, the rest of the advice you are getting will make sense.

2) Exposure is not meant to be used as blackmail or a threat. Don't bring it up again to her. If she asks, change the subject or say something vague like I am willing to fight for our M.

I almost wonder if OM would be fired given his position once you expose. I definitely would do it Monday like Mel said.