I wrote a similar post on the thread Surviving an Affair, but I'm not sure which area fits best. My WH and I have been married for almost 19 years. We have 3 children ages 13, 10, and 7. I found out about the affair in May last year, and it is still going on. The day after I found out I agreed to go to counseling, but he �needed time�. I gave him time, and he spent it with the OW. For the next month, he would come home, go back to OW, come home, etc. My WH went overseas for 2 months, starting in June, and told me he had told her it was over. When he returned, he told me �he couldn�t do this� and went back to her. The first week in September he came back home, ready to try counseling. I went out of town for 5 days, which a month earlier I had invited him to go with me, and while I was out of town, he went back to her and he has remained there. He said I abandoned him. How can you abandon someone when they know where you are going, who you�ll be with and when you�ll return?
He has changed his entire lifestyle for the OW. I used to think my WH was a strong Christian and a good example to his children, but now it�s not so. He has started drinking beer (which he said in the past he never really liked), smoking (his whole family smokes and he has abhorred it ever since I�ve known him), cussing, getting tattoos and a nipple piercing, hanging out in bars, etc. He has turned his back on God and the church, which is the most troubling thing to me.
Let me give you the whole story. My WH is an officer in the military and the OW is an enlisted soldier. I�m not sure how it happened, but the Army found out about the A (it had been going on for 7-8 months by this point), and investigated. During the investigation, they were given a No Contact Order, which they both disobeyed (Army didn�t find out). They were both given a letter of reprimand and she was sent overseas. Even though they are miles apart, they continue talking and emailing. He has even leased her apartment while she�s gone. She has posted pictures of them on her Facebook page and listed her relationship status as engaged, even though we aren�t divorced yet and won�t be for a while. I called a buddy he works with to double check about the investigation and reprimand. I didn�t say anything about WH and OW still being in contact. My WH finds out and tells me I need to leave it alone before something bad happens (Army finding out). Of course he defended her posting pictures of them on Facebook, because that�s her life and he doesn�t control what she does. My anger comes from the fact that the children and I rely, almost solely, on his paycheck (I only have 2 part time jobs and will lose one at the end of this month) and insurance. If the Army does find out, it could mean he will be dishonorably discharged and we lose EVERYTHING. I have moved back to my small hometown to be near family, and jobs are scarce.
I tried to implement Plan A, but with no results. He seemed to care only about her and her feelings. He even told me �if I stay with her, I hurt you, if I stay with you, I hurt her�. In what universe should her feelings supersede the feelings of his wife and children?
The children just came back from spending 2 weeks with their dad. During that short visit, he left them alone twice to go eat dinner with a friend. The first time, he didn�t return home until 10:00 pm!! If he cares and loves his children, like he claims, why would he choose to take time away from them when his time was so short. Last night, our youngest DD cried herself to sleep, because she wanted her daddy. I asked if she was glad to be home and she said yes, but she wanted Daddy to be with us. My heart breaks for the children, but I sometimes feel they would be better off without him. Sorry if I�ve rambled, but I�d appreciate any advice and support you could give me.

P.S. Her family knows about them and doesn�t seem to mind. The affair has been exposed almost as much as it can be, without possibly putting me and the children out on the street.

Let me finish the above post by saying, there is no hope of reconciliation. We both have attorneys, but the divorce is on hold for insurance purposes. The military has a 20/20 rule (married for 20 yrs. through 20 yrs. of service) that allows me full benefits (health insurance, 1/2 of his pension, etc..). As stated above, I'm frustrated, angry and scared of what could happen if the Army finds out. If I had a full time job with a good paycheck and benefits, I don't think it would bother me as much. If anyone associated with the military reads this, please let me know your thoughts. It would be greatly appreciated.

When is your 20th anniversary? Are you in a fault or no-fault state?

Plan A doesn't work very well if there is still contact. Nothing works if there is still contact between affair partners. Sorry that you are going through this.

Our 20th anniversary will be July 2011. We live in a no fault state.
Very soon after D-Day, I was given Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair". I told WH about needing to end contact with her, and he wasn't willing to do that. He said "she cares about me and wants what's best for me". I know I wasn't meeting enough of his EN's, but I was ready to work on it through MC.

SS209 I am new and I have no advice as I am going through my own tuff time but I wanted to say I am sorry and offer you a virtual arm of support and understanding.

WH brought the children home after a 2 week visit. He barely spoke to me except to ask about some glassware that an elderly couple gave us over 10 years ago. When the children and I moved, I went through the house and listed items that could be split up. I tried to show him the list, but he said the only thing he really wanted was the bookcase (he built it). Why all of a sudden has he come back asking for the glassware? He never seem to care about it before. The couple also gave us an antique clock (needs some repair) that I left for him, along with some white enamel pieces (some are rusted) that I wanted to throw out a few years ago, but he wanted to keep them. I hope this doesn't come off as me leaving him nothing, because that's not the case. I tried to be fair, and he basically let me have what I wanted. I left him the dining room set (table, 6 chairs, hutch), the bookcase, a couple of big picture, his mother's sliver coffee set, an 8 piece set of dishes, some pots and pans, and one of the TV's. Since he was living with the OW, he had no where to put everything plus he had most of the material things he needed.

I understand your hesitancy to expose to his job since it would affect you and the children, but I think that's what's recommended here if you want to save your marriage...do you? If you don't want to save your marriage then I guess you need to focus on protecting you and the children and getting what you can so you'll be provided for. Have you spoken with legal counsel yet?

I talked to my lawyer, and he said not to say anything and let them hang themselves. The only problem is, they'll hang me and the kids in the process. I wish WH would stop being so selfish and recognize his actions could hurt his children physically (no money = no home, no medical insurance, etc). He has already hurt them emotionally. I would love to know what it will take for him to see the damage he has caused.