I have read all the books and have visited this site often... I think I am back to Plan A... I went to Plan B, but we couldn't handle it. We have been married for 17 years... WH was my first love.. we have been together since we were 16. He is the only one I have ever been with in my entire life. I don't know what a break-up feels like. We have 3 beautiful kids...He travels and is away now for about 2 months.. we continue to talk via computer technology. He told me today that if his heart would not have become entangled in the OW for the last seven months, it would be so easy to come back to me and love me again. He's a nice guy and can't bring himself to hurt her by telling her its over. Do I continue Plan A?

I have exposed him to his family, a few friends, and our pastor. I thought NC would be easy for him since she is in another time zone. She is out of the country so most contact is through the computer and texting.. I have no way of exposing her to her parents. She is only 20 and WH is 40. I know it won't last, but I think the only way it will end is if she meets someone else to support her financially. Each time I spy she is always asking for more money, but he is blinded by his emotional attachment to her. If he stops the money, I know she would end it.

Hello and welcome to MB. It often gets slow around here on the weekends. Sorry you are here.

I am glad that you have read the books and this site and it is a GREAT first step to start your own thread and get some personalized help for your sitch.

Here is a thread to help newly betrayed spouses. It is a guide through the site to help start you off. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Now, there is a HUGE question I have about your first post. You said that you think you need to go to Plan A again because, "we couldn't handle it." In Plan B, the WS OFTEN can not handle it. It is hard on the BS too. It is part of the MB plans though. If you are willing to work the MB plans, Plan B is one of them.

Now, let's get you working on a SOLID Plan A, including the stick.

You say that OW is 20, how does you WH know her? As long as there is contact between them, the affair is roaring on it's destructive path.

Read the thread that I pasted for you and ask any questions that you may have.

Please read what I bolded above a few times.....your H is NOT a nice guy...that's what should jump out at you...his bheavior right now is so unbelieveably cruel and hurtful and SELFISH....he is breaking every vow he made to you and your children. This is NOT a nice man.

The so called feelings of the 20yr old mean nothing...she is a home wrecker....period. Stop going along with your H's lame excuses for continuing his affair.

Please follow the advice of the vets on this board to the letter to end this A.....find out her name and address plus her family's names and ways to inform them of her outrageous behavior.

Try Plan A for about 3 weeks and then go into Plan B. Did you expose the affair wide and far?

The basic problem is that he travels for a living. That will have to change if you want to ever recover your marriage.

What are teh reasons you can't expose to her parents?

He met her on one of his international trip. I know her name.. that's it. I have no way of finding out where she lives or how to contact her family to let them know what is going on. She is a 20 year old Russian girl going to school in China. Her dad is paying for her expenses (and I know my WH has paid some expenses as well). I do have her phone numbers and have texted her over and over... I did expose her once to his lies... He had been telling her that he was sleeping in a separate room from me when he was home from traveling.. She texted his phone one night while we were sleeping... I didn't wake him, but texted her and told her he was sleeping next to me and to please leave us alone. She was furious and the next day told him she was through. Of course this didn't last.

I started Plan A, but didn't do a good of job of it at first. He was trying to avoid contact for the first 3 weeks of returning home after D-day which was April 8, 2010. He continued to contact her and would get upset each time I found him seeking around the house to call her. Because she is in another time zone he would have to wake up in the middle of the night to call her. After about 5 weeks, I told him it was too hurtful for me to watch him sneak around to contact her and he moved out.. This only lasted 3 days because our kids were in a piano ensemble in which we traveled to see them perform and were brought together again. The other problem with moving out was that he was due to leave for work again in about 5 days, andt the kids needed to see him. It basically made no sense to move out when he would be leaving for 2 months for work.

He so called broke up with her when I first found out... but after returning home could not give up contact. He lasted about 4 days. I have been following the carrot now for almost 2 weeks and he has soften his heart for me. He told me that if his heart was not so entangled it would be an easy decision for him to be with me. He told me I have been doing everything right, that the things I have been doing is what he needed during our marriage. He is addicted to her emotionally and kees thinking about what he might miss out on and of course his she is stroking his ego and he probably feels so manly to think he could have a 20 year old. He had high sexual needs that were not being met in our marriage, and of course she filled this during their affiar. And she had high financial needs that he filled.

NIce guy meaning: He knows he has hurt two women. He doesn't know how to stop the hurt for either of us. Our couselor keeps telling him he must make a decision and stop waffling. That didn't help.. he took a week to go see her to ask her questions and see if he thought it would work and was supposely going to come back and give me his decision. Of course we are in the same place we were when he left. He is very weak... it crushed him to see her cry the first time he broke it off and then it crushed him to see me cry when he came back.. He does not know how to stop his heart from being entangled in her. He has tried NC but fails, there is too much technology with texting, phones, email, and now skyping with webcams.

Your first sentence makes me wonder
If you have read "ALL THE BOOKS" (whatever that means) then you ought to be better informed than you seem to be.

Since you have read all the books (?), tell us exactly what you need from this forum.
Because it is certainly not clear to me what you are asking.

Apparently, your WH is a good provider.
Do you live in the USA?
Why not call the counseling center for an appointment?

Nice guys do not hurt women.
And if they do hurt women, they stop.
THAT is a nice guy.

He is not only hurting 2 women, he is doing GREAT HARM to your children.

He KNOWS how to stop hurting you.
He just doesn't want to stop.
He gets what he wants at your expense.
He gets what he wants at the expense of your children.

Does this sound like a definition of a "nice guy"?

If YOU were hurting your children.
Doing something to make yourself happy at their expense, do you KNOW HOW TO STOP?

Please, sell this crap somewhere else.
Not to yourself.
Not to your children.

Do you tell your children that Daddy knows he is hurting them and you, but Daddy is too weak to stop?

Do you tell your children that they need to sacrifice their well being so that Daddy can feel good?

Please, don't even go there.

Again, WHAT do you want to gain from this forum?
It's really not clear.

Since you've read ALL THE BOOKS, tell us what you have learned so far.

He told you this so that you will continue to meet his needs while you accept his adultery as the "new normal".

Did he mention your needs?
Did he mention his willingness to hurt you?
Did he mention the needs of your children?
Did he mention his willingness to hurt your children?

Your WH would love for you to suffer longer.
He's happy when you meet his needs while you suffer.
He's happy when you meet his needs and the children suffer.

Nice guy?

Tell him that he can't bear to hurt her, who he has known for what, a few months? But he has no problem hurting his wife of 17 years? If he leaves you, he needs to multiply the hurt that she would have felt by 17 years x the rest of the lives of his kids x the disappointment of his family and friends. She will get over him in a week...as soon as she finds a new guy to give her money. You and your children will be devastated for the rest of your life.
Does he want to give up daily interaction with his children for a foriegn girl that does not share his culture or country or values?
Does he want to give up 1/3 of his salary so he can leave you?
Does he want to look back in a couple of years when this girl has left him because she now has US citizen ship and doesn't want to be married to some old guy?

Exactly I have went over all thses issues with him and so has his 7 brother and sisters and his mom. He thinks this is what he has been missing out on.. It think he is going through an emotional affair and a mid-life crisis at the same time. I ask him all these questions: Why would you want to start over (have to get a reverse vasectemony) and have children with this girl. He even refers to her as a girl when he talks about her. She has two more years of school, she will get to the US, and then drop him. She only wants his money to support her thru school and pay for her medical bills. When she got furious to find out that he was still sleeping with me, she told hiim to just give her what he promised and get out of her life. I asked him if he didn't see that all she wanted was what she could provide for her. When he first broke up with her.. she was with another guy in a week.
He stood up for her saying it just because she was so hurt about losing him. He is blinded by this girl she can do no wrong. How can I get her upset with him so she will leave. She is the only one I can contact. I have no way of exposing her to her parents who are somewhere in Russia. As a matter of fact, thru snooping I found out her mom was already cheating on her dad. Her mom could care less if she is with a married man, she gets the money as well. When he tried to break up the first time, she kept calling and texting him and of course he did not have the willpower to just not respond. So for now I have been taking advantage of what I have with him...history. I also have the ability to see him physically more than her since he has to come home for work and to see our children. I am finally on the upside of love units, if I could just find a way to expose her. I don't think she has a job and her friends are probably happy for her to find some sucker willing to fork over money.

Read all books meaning... I am trying to find out what plan I should be on... I have read His Needs Her Needs, Surviving an affair.. fall in love, stay in love... and Love Busters. I have learned that part of the reason for his affair was because I was not meeting his most important needs. He admits he has learned that he was not meeting mine as well. I also understand that doesn't give him an excuse to have an affair. The affair was still his free will choice. During the 4 weeks he was here before leaving for work again, we saw a counselor once a week. The christian counselor is technological savvy and has agreed to help us, even though my husband is out of the country. He told me I was doing everything right, only after I started Plan A the carrot. I feel like my situaition is somewhat harder because she is not even in the US. I don't have a way to expose her to friends and family, she is just a child, she doesn't have a job.
I guess I want to know what else can I do to help end this affair. I was a top dog snooper. I changed passwords, logged into his accounts, I even talked to her as if he was him. I called her and annoyed her. I went into his account and blocked her text msg. I could not block international calling on his phone, due to his job and he wouldn't be able to contact the kids. She seemed to get highly upset when she found out he was still sleeping in my bed when he returned home from trips. So much so, that she so called ended it. He was furious with the exposure also, but has since gotten unmad about it. But of course after a cool down, she called again claiming she wasn't going to let me win by making her mad. What can I do when she is in China? I can say, the one thing he hates most is when I contact her, but it upsets her. (like I care)

As per the counselor, our kids do not know anything. He actually praised us, that the kids have no clue what is going on. He hopes to help my husband work thru this so the kids can be spared any pain.

Just like Greg and Sue in the book Surviving an Affair.. I'm not sure this will end unless she ends it.

Thats not Marriage builders there. Dr H recommends informing the children about the affair if they are of age. Kids need to KNOW right from wrong. They need to KNOW that the actions of the waywards are NOT acceptable. If you allow your WS to make excuses why affairs are OK they will think they are ok and the problems will continue.

Also the kids are a valuable tool. They will tell your spouse that they want WS to come home. So if they are age its recommended that you tell them and not lie or hide it from them.