Folks, just a reminder that the purpose here is to learn and discuss Marriage Builders concepts. Please refrain from posting if you cannot help in that regard. Let's get back on track and help this poster!

This is probably one of the best reasons I'd have to disclose an A to children. The truth is always out there, and there will be people who possess this knowledge and may not have the best interests of the children in mind. They may get mad at the WS and decide to 'get back' at him or her by giving the kids this little 'tidbit' of a bad thing that their mommy or daddy did, X number of years ago. Why would anyone want that ticking time bomb over their innocent children's heads?

But, I have been told ad nauseum that with exposure I prevent my wife from having a relapse. Within this context i actually have less control.

Perhaps you want to say that I feel she owns me something because I kept my mouth shut. That would be more plausible, but in reality I keep the secret to avoid pain in my children and public shame for both of us. It is rather simple.


I understand it must be tough for my wife to deal with her guilt in secret. But, the revelaion would simply open more wounds.

Maybe I am from the older generation. But, I always kept my problems private. Nowadays everything is made public. I cannot do that.

This sounds a little like something a wayward would say: "I didn't want you to find out about my A because I knew it would hurt you."

Thank God we've evolved to a point where dirty little secrets are prone to exposure. That, unfortunately, wasn't the case when I was young and being sexually abused. Over and over.

"I rather put up with the crap of OM stalking than making this revelation to my children."

Don't have to get an RO and tell the kids. Same for telling WW's siblings.

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I'm just curious. What happens if the OM one days does make contact again. And the children find out. Haven't you always taught your children that you should always be honest? Will you then explain to them that sometimes it's okay to lie and sometimes it's not?

Why would anyone want to hide secrets?

Meanwhile your children will continue to make comments not realizing they are hurting their mother and you sit back idly by and watch.

This will be the last request to keep your posts productive and on track with Marriage Builders concepts. The purpose of this forum is to discuss Marriage Builders; lets stick to that purpose. Otherwise, we are locking this thread.

Stan, you admit that you should have explained the whole thing to your kids. You also recognise that OM stalked your wife's family and has caused difficulties for your marriage.

I don't know why Mr Goodstuff defends what you did when this has been the result.

Mr Goodstuff, I can see from when you, Stanley and Myrta were frequent posters that you considered him to be a friend.

You think he did the right thing not to tell the family, even though this continued contact through them has been the result. Why would you be happy about this outcome for a friend?

This is the one thing on this thread that just totally creeps me out. How could anyone be okay with the status quo involving someone stalking a loved one?

Hi Stanley !

What would you do if you weren't afraid ?

Stanley,

The OW in my case shows up frequently in my life, only due to the fact that she lives in the small town where I live.

We are unable to move due to the fact that my H and I take care of our elderly parents who are very ill. We have lost one of them this year, and still have three who are not well. We are tied to this town and have to make the best of things.

Dealing with seeing OW fairly regularly offers me some rather ugly setbacks.

I cannot fathom having her walk into my home, speak with my parents, talk to my children, and pretend that she was their FRIEND.

I know that my husband would never allow this.

He would PROTECT MY MARRIAGE.

You, Stanley, despite your professing to want to protect your children from the pain of the "truth", have instead dangled them by their feet from the window of a skyscraper in order to protect


yourself from your own perceived humiliation.


That is how I see things.


You are afraid to stand up to this man, throw him out of your lives for good, and actually PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE from him.


Your wife would thank you for it.

OM lives 2500 miles away in the hometown of my wife. Now that mother in law died he has no further excuse to visit the home. My father in law suspects this OM is scum because he does not like excessive charm.

At this time I cannot punish my wife with exposure. She would be devastated. We have discussed this and we rather put up with occasional OM packages coming in the mail. This OM is sick and it is best to not react to his maneuvers.

It is matter of weighting the two sides and making a decision. My wife and I would rather keep this a secret. My children are grown and I have warned them about OM without giving them the details. They don't ask for more details!!

If your wife was recovered, Stanley, she wouldn't be "devastated" she would be exposing the affair herself and putting an end to the OM's antics. She would be telling her family WHY they should not engage with the OM. Exposure is not "punishment," it is a preventative measure taken to protect your marriage. Your wife is not interested in protecting your marriage.

A recovered spouse does not view exposure as "punishment" unless they are still invested in the crime.

The thing you can do about the "packages"?

Simply do not open them. Write "REFUSED" on the outside of them, leave them out in the mailbox for the postman to pick up. If the postman comes to the door with them, simply say "no", and tell him that you are refusing delivery. He will know what to do with it.

You can do the same with UPS, Fedex, whatever style of delivery OM chooses.

If you do that, they go back to the sender, and you do not ever deal with them whatsoever.

Once you do that a few times, he will quit wasting him money.

Stanley
Squid was devastated by my exposure. She could have crawled up her own butt with the excruciating embarrassment of her much respected sisters and other folks knowing about her affair.

But EVERY SINGLE ONE of those people now have stronger relationships with her now they saw her work to address her affair.

And my SIL hugged me a few years back and said quietly " You are my hero, Bob. Strongest man I ever knew".

So much for people thinking less of me or Squid because of exposure.

Bearing in mind Squids family is of Madrasi indian heritage - a place where community standing is so important even "honour" killings are not unheard of, yet almost all were supportive of our marriage.

My exposure to OMs family and circle of knowledge caused him such distress that he attended stress management classes. He has not one shred of control over me now, while you permit OM to be your puppetmaster.

Its all choice I guess.

"If your wife was recovered, Stanley, she wouldn't be "devastated" she would be exposing the affair herself and putting an end to the OM's antics. She would be telling her family WHY they should not engage with the OM. Exposure is not "punishment," it is a preventative measure taken to protect your marriage. Your wife is not interested in protecting your marriage.

A recovered spouse does not view exposure as "punishment" unless they are still invested in the crime. "

Well said.

Stan - I wrote this a while back to someone else, I thought it pertinent here.

Just a background, my mother had an affair when I was 2 and married her adultery partner and they are still married to this day - 26 years later. I ALWAYS felt something was strange between my parents and step-father. I could never understand what, until my uncles told me the truth when I was about 8 (honestly I was very young, I don't remember the exact age, but I remember where I was standing, the room I was in, where everyone was in that room - everything. It was the moment my life finally made sense, everything fell into place)

The resentment I've harbored from my mother throughout my life runs very deep and is something I've struggled to deal with all my life. I'm sure my father never told me because he didn't want to damage my relationship with my mother.

I still found out.

Though I had grown up my whole life in this situation, though I have absolutely NO memories of my parents together, I KNEW there was something wrong. I knew there was something I wasn't being told. The actions of my parents clued me in that something wasn't right. It was more than just two unhappy people who decided to divorce.

Kids pick up on these things - even adult children pick up on it. We are tuned to our families. It is part of our survival instinct.


What is worse in this situation is the SLIME is still around your family. Your children could interact with him, but your pride prevents you from protecting them.

You're saying that your wife's feelings and your pride are more important that protecting you family from the enemy walking up the path...really?