HopeE,
Unfortunately this is the dilemma we are all facing, the total change in personality of the WS and the fact that they do not seem to care at all about their kids. My H too, he can care less about our son.
Once they fall in love with someone else we and our kids do not count any longer. Your H like mine is occupied with OW and for now that's all he needs.
The stronger the pain they have to cover the more they are going to use the addiction to OW. They are making themselves believe in that fantasy and are justifying their feelings for her by putting us and our kids in a bad light.
I really wish I could say this is only temporary, but looking at what happens on this forum and in life in general I can only se that the addiction goes on long enough to create pain and misery. Right now us, the BS are paying the highest price with the loss of someone we love.
The WS is finally getting what he wished for and for a while they experience a sense of euphoria and "hapiness".
OW fullfills the fantasy and the WS keeps feeding it by puttin time and energy into the A and by not focusing at all on the BS and the kids.
This fills the A partners love bank to the point in which they are totally in love with one another. This feling of love lasts for a while and in the meantime we have to detach and find or own life without them.
We can't focus on them and what will happen if and when the A ends. It might never end, or it might end and be replaced by yet another A...who knows?
All we can do is judge them by their actions: they are not calling and they are not living with us. Can't make them do anything they do not want to do adn can't bringthem to reason. But I know how hard itis to imagine them with OW and try to make sense of it all...
Stay strong!
Blessing

Aetna, not ALL affairs/WHs go this way. I am so sorry for your pain as I understand it because I lived it to. My husband who had always wanted his own family and to be a loving dad (because of his own horrific childhood) went poof during his affairs. We no longer mattered (or so it seemed). If just going by appearances, there was no hope that the man I loved, my husband of 25 years (at that time), and the father of my four children no longer existed nor did we exist in his mind-- and when he did think of us, it was in anger.

However, I had no clue what was really going on with him when he laid his head down on his pillow at night. He has since told me that he was literally tormented in such a way that he felt like he was living life looking down at himself... at this stranger he didn't recognize. He was miserable but to anyone who saw him, it was well hidden.

He was totally 100% in love with OW and had visions of marrying and helping her to raise her children (who were younger than ours). It was all a fantasy. In the end, he couldn't withstand the pressure and finally broke. I know you're not a believer, but I sincerely believe it was because of the many many prayers that were constantly being lifted up and specifically that he would be broken, that he finally came around. God worked a miracle in his life... and ours, but only after my DH broke and realized that he was utterly and completely lost. God's hands were tied until my DH reached that place.

The outcome is not always dire. What we see isn't always the way it really is.

HopeE, do not give up hope. God will sustain you. You are his daughter and He cares for you. He is the healer of broken hearts. He knows you and cries with you. His heart is broken too. His child is lost. I used to pray that angels would visit my husband in his dreams and at one point prayed that God would remove his hand completely from my husband's life so that he would feel the brunt of a life without God's love. He did and he did.

((((HopeE))))

Maybe its not so much that they just leave their kids and BS and could care less...maybe sometimes they just cannot face them because it reminds them that they have a family that they caused tremendous pain to......I like to think of it that way, cuz it means that they still love us instead of just not caring anymore.

Princessmeggy, I do believe in god but not as part of a specific religion. I do believe in prayer and I agree with you, they have to hit bottom and feel the pain deep in order to awaken.
However, if I remember correctly your H came back pretty fast and months did not go by, mine has been gone with NC with me for 10 months now. However, it is still too early for HopeE and her H could turn around pretty quickly.
Stillhere, they do not love anybody not even themselves, when they are foggy....that's the sad part.
blessing

Thanks Princess,

I pray the same prayers everyday. That he will be miserable and realize what he has done. To come to the realization that he would rather work on our marriage and himself than leave forever.

I don't know what to think, but I try to believe the best. I hope he hits bottom. I would have thought that all this exposure would have made him break, but he's so stiffnecked.

My mom wants me to come back to their house during this time. It's hard for me because our home needs attention and it's just simply too hard to live out of a suitcase. I love my parents but it is difficult to move back in after so many years.

Sorry, for some reason I thought you weren't a believer. My apologies! I don't believe in any specific religion either (grew up the typical rebellious preacher's kid in a very conservative and strict demoniation (ha!) denomination). I do believe and have a personal relationship with Jesus.

My WH's 1st affair started in July 2002 and after a FR in early 2003, he left again and didn't return home for good until the end of 2003. Even then he wasn't sure he was there to stay. It wasn't for several months after that, that we began true recovery. Of course I didn't have MB and I did EVERYTHING wrong!!!

HopeE, something that was a turning point for me... I still remember the evening clearly... I was driving around all over our town around 1:00 in the morning, trying to spot his car, looking for OW's home.

I remember crying out to God and breaking... in anger and frustration and finally in surrender. Weeping, I told God that I couldn't do it anymore, this was going to have to be all Him. I told Him out loud that I give up. I was handing my husband over to Him and whatever happened happened. From that evening on, I felt a peace like I hadn't experienced in many months. When I finally got out of the way and released my DH, it was very freeing.

That's when things began to turn around for me personally, spirtually, emotionally and otherwise.

I believe that too. That's why I said it may "appear" to be one way when in truth it's completely different.

I needed to hear that Princess. I need to lay him and my children at the feet of Jesus and leave them there. I thought the same thing this morning. I was balling for about 30 minutes in my bed....I kept having thoughts...I'm going to lose it, and lose my children. I'll never get better, etc. Telling myself horrible things.

I told God that I couldn't do this anymore including the snooping. I asked that he would just take it over and protect us. I need to keep reminding myself of this. Sometimes I try to go and grab him up from under the cross; I can't do that anymore.

It's been a long day for me. I've been at home all day and realing fighting off the depression. I'm forcing myself to make every move that I make, to even do chores is completely forced.

How is it going to effect my children to see me depressed so much? I can't control the tears most times.

HopeE-

I remember very clearly the day when God told me that my FXH was His prodigal, not mine. I began to pray for God to work in my then WH's life to "bring him to an end of himself" as the parable says.

Hang in there!

Do you know what I did when my H left? I started working out every day. That was the most blissful hour of my day. During that hour I could lose myself in exercise and not think about the pain in my life.

Didn't you join a club, hope? Do you like going there? If you don't like going there, I would go to Borders or B &N and buy some really good workout tapes. [the Firm has the best, IMO] Then go pick up some cheap dumbbells at Walmart and just do your workouts at home.

I NEVER felt comfortable working out in a gym before I got in shape.

Princess,
After that realization, did you stop searching for H? It's hard for me not to look or wonder where he is.

Yes, I have a gym membership, but it's hard to get away. I enjoy going, but I'll have to go in the evening after DS7 is asleep. He is just too much to handle for DD14. He's my greatest stress in terms of my children's behavior.

I am taking children skating tonight...the older ones. DS7 and myself are going to a movie.

Can you do workouts at home?

Yes, I could do that. I don't want to give up membership though because I already have all these personal training sessions saved up. I want to use more of those once I get the rest of my weight off.

I could walk in the mornings with the kids if I can get my mind around it.

HopeE, you are in Plan B sweetie. Why are you still looking for WH and trying to figure out where he is? That is something you are supposed to stop in Plan B. This may contribute to some of the feelings you have.

Solidify your Plan B and you WILL reap the rewards.

As far as how long some people's WH's stay away, DrH does recommend 2 years for the end of Plan B, because after that amount of time, recovery is near impossible. 2 YEARS. Hang tight. Unless you wanna throw in the towel earlier.

When you divorce, does that end plan B? I mean I'm going to try and drag it out, but I don't know how long the courts will do this. Has anyone's WS ever come back after a divorce was final?


I know Scotland....wondering where he is and what he is doing drives me crazy some days. I'm trying not to focus on that , but it's hard. I keep thinking this is my husband....how can she have her paws on him. It's so unfair.

Johnstwin was remarried after divorce. There is always a chance. I think schoolbus even wrote that her MIL and FIL remarried 8 years after they were divorced. You just never know so that's why you can't focus on that stuff right now. You just have to focus on he plans. You are GREAT at executing them so far. Just keep moving forward. You are doing well. Let the plans and God do the rest.

Thanks Scotland,

This morning I woke up with a clearer mind....not so suppresed with thoughts of WH. A friend called and asked me to go to breakfast. My kids threw a fit, but I went anyway. They just don't want me to leave even with DD14 watching them.

This morning we're going to clean up the yard and the house. I told them we were not going to do any activities this week if things don't get cleaned up. I got paid today also, so I'm going to try and do at least one home improvement. I'm trying to move forward.

I lost 5 more lbs today....I think mostly because I've not eaten in the last two days. I did eat this morning though and it felt good to be with a friend just talking about everyday things.

Thanks for everyone who endures my ups and downs; they seem to turn on a dime. I know it probably get frustrating when I can't seem to pull myself up. I know God can though.