I am coming to terms with the financial and emotional toll this affair has cost my family. I have accepted that I am better off without my WH. I have learned that his continued cruelty is not something to wear on my shoulders anymore. What I am having problems with is accepting the OW in my life and my kids life going forward.

I learned about the affair long after the marriage ended. I learned it is what caused my husband to check out long after the fact. I never met her, and only found out about her when my husband moved in with her, and my kids in with her, during their visitation.

My mother in law, to whom I was once close, dropped me like a hot potato when my WH left. I hear she likes the OW and has had her over to the house while having nothing to do with me anymore. This woman is sleeping with my husband, sitting on my furniture and watching my TV (WH took all valuables from house while I was away), enjoying the acceptance of my in-laws, and now raising my kids. She insisted my WH hired a lawyer before I even knew I was getting a divorce, and set him up with her lawyer friend. Now she is raising my kids during their visitation.

How does anyone accept a person like this? The kids court appointed lawyer told me she was a nice person, and isn't it strange to me I haven't attempted to meet her when she is spending so much time with my kids? I dropped his visitation from 3 weekends a month to two when he moved in with her to limit the kids contact. My position is, right or wrong, I just can't accept her at this point. This woman continues to orchestrate my divorce, hide my husbands assets while we are on food stamps, dictates the emails and text messages he sends to me (as if I didn't know), and has had at my life more than a total stranger has a right to. Am I wrong for not being able to shake hands and play nice? My husband is trying to deem me unfit in order to take the kids and avoid paying child support per her suggestions I am sure. We are having a horrible divorce with protection orders and such. Why isn't my "no contact" approach to him or her appropriate at this point?

fellspointmom- I just can't even imagine how painful it must be for you going through this.

OW and your WH are so entrenched in their lies and their fantasy, they probably don't know up from down at times. You, however are the mainstay and stable parent in your children's lives and they desperately need this.

If the court feels you should meet OW, I would probably suck it up and meet her, especially if WH is trying to deem you unfit. Doesn't mean you have to accept her, I don't know how you ever could do that. Show them exactly how fit you are. Rise above their sleeze and be determined to live a better life...one without a liar and a cheat for a husband. You deserve so much better than that!

I also know how painful it is to be dropped by your inlaws, it happened to me as well. I just have to keep it in perspective and realize if it were my child, I may not approve of their choices (and she does know his choices) but I would still do anything to keep them in my life. Your MIL didn't make these choices any more than you did, but she still will do whatever it takes to keep her son and grandkids in her life. Painful, I know.

I will pray for you, because their lies and deceit and betrayal will never be rewarded by God. You, however, will get double for your trouble and will end up better off!

Also, how old are your kids and do they know that she is the OW?

She will never replace you in their eyes, and unfortunately they will know for the rest of their lives just exactly who she is and why their daddy left. That doesn't sit well with most kids once they figure it out.

Kids are 5 and 7. They live with daddy and OW every other weekend, so they know what's going on. Daddy sleeps on the couch when they are there, but he is sometimes found in OW's room in the morning by my early-riser daughter. They would beg for me to let daddy back home (even tho he left me), and demanded an explanation when I said I couldn't. At first the explanation is that daddy broke the rules of being married. When they wanted me to elaborate, I told them daddy wanted to live with ms. x instead of mommy. That's all they know. Aside from being initially shocked when they say the two kiss, they seem to accept her now. They have more money, do more fun $$$ things, and she has a daughter close in age they have bonded with.

I am glad they accept her. Even tho the court ordered atty asked about the fact we haven't met, I just don't think I can do it. I told her I would eventually, showed her the texts and emails from my WH where he claims how they BOTH enjoy mocking me about how pathetic I am. I have been proud of my no response, no contact, no interest in their lives approach. It would be so painful to have to meet her with all she has done to me. I don't even meet my WH anymore since getting the no contact. It has been my savior. The courts are so cold. I realize they disregard the affairs and cruelty as non relevant, but how can they regard my self protection from those acts as relevant?

fellspointmom - I can feel your pain, because I'm going through something similar.
While WH and OW aren't currently living together (she's in Iraq), they have already talked about getting married, even though we won't be divorced for another year. The kids have met her and told me they don't really like her (not sure if it's true or they're trying to spare my feelings).
The children have been raised in a Christian home, and I worry about what they will be exposed to when WH and OW are back together. How can I be okay with this woman, who has basically taken over my life, raising my children even part time? I have to agree with SydneyT, plus others have given this advice to me too, the kids know who this woman is and what their dad did. They will look to you (the stable parent) for the way they should live. As far as the $$ goes, they will most likely tire from that too. They will eventually begin to see that they are trying to "buy" their love and acceptance. I will be praying for you and your children. Just remember to carry yourself with dignity and God will bless you for it.

I would refuse to meet the OW. However best to let your lawyer guide you.

If you have to meet the OW there is no reason to be warm. Just be neutral, so no emotion warmth or anger.

I'm so sorry for the situation you're in. I can't imagine how frustrated you feel (among other things), just like I still can't imagine how a person can do such things to their spouse and the mother of their children.

I guess I lived in a pretty sheltered world before I found these boards about 7 years ago. I liked that sheltered world much better....

Hang in there.

I have a newfound respect for Waywards that keep their personal affairs away from their kids. My husband rubbed his dirty affair in my face and wrapped my kids lives around OW for the pure sport of it. I guess I never really knew the man at all.

Yeah, maybe that's one thing my WW got right, she never exposed the kids to the OM.

And now she seems more interested in playing the field than settling down with any one OM, so that will keep the boys insulated a little more.

If she meets someone after the divorce that is serious enough to be around the boys, I think I can take that a little easier.

Knowing that the OM that broke up my marriage is now around my boys playing Daddy #2 would eat at my very soul. I'm sorry that's the position you are in, Fellspoint.

I know your pain, my kids are with my h and the ow 3 1/2 days a week, with their child from their affair aswell. They act as if this life they are leading has been that way forever, but I moved out just last sept. All the family on his side has embraced her, it's very strange to me and hurtful. It's all very much like it was for us before the ow came in our life. I haven't thought of those days in years, but lately they are all I can think about.

I know the children have more activities to do with them and just even benifited from a male female relationship in the home. It's all hard. After everything that woman has done to once and for all ripe our family apart, speaking to her will not happen.... If she's around for another ten years I will say hello at my youngests graduation. I had my fill of her logic etc over the last 8+ years to know that I can't be fake... I don't talk bad to the kids about her, and I encourage them to be respectful. I also acsept they have conflicted feelings about her, and that they have love for her.

You shouldn't feel that you have to do more then you can. Look if they plan on getting married maybe meet her.

Thanks. Most days I am doing pretty well. Today I am stressed about it. He/she are trying to get full custody of my kids, but he suddenly wants to negotiate. He never had interest in any more than 3 weekends a month until she insisted he go for more. I have never been a hateful person, but the degree she has wrecked my life is almost too much to bear. The courts don't care, nor do the inlaws, nor even my kids at this point. I feel very alone and incredibly angry. I am very nervous about the wanting to negotiate thing all of a sudden after refusing to all this time. Am not sure if I should dig in my heels and refuse anything other than the current status quo (every other weekend and tuesday evenings) or accept the OW as raising my kids and offer more time.

fells,

Remember that your kids will behave towards x and ow as they have seen you model. So you always need to behave in a manner that allows you to hold your head high and leave nothing to come back and bite you in the butt!!!!

Dawn

Dawn, except for one verbal outburst about OW to DD (5), which I regret, I have been behaving close to beyond reproach with my behavior towards kids - on the surface anyway. As far as WH and OW see it, I am mostly level, silent, thoughts and comments kept to myself, etc. about their relationship. (Which is a good way to handle it, I think.) Inside I want to take a crowbar to their respective heads about wrapping their dirty affair around the lives of my two innocent kids. (Which is why I don't want to meet the OW as my kids lawyer inquired about.)

fellspointmom,

Your custody agreement is signed by the courts and was part of your D? How liberal are the courts in your state where father's rights are concerned? Most courts will not mess with existing custody arrangements unless there is abuse, neglect, drug use etc involved. What does your attorney say about your exH's chance at getting the custody changed?

I would not even open the door to negotiation unless your attorney says he has a chance at winning. Do you have the money to fight this if he does take you to court?

I am so very sorry you are having to deal with both the pain of an OC and the OW being around your children. I was thrown under the bus by my IL's as soon as my H began his A. I was blown away. My MIL thought the wind was shifting in OW's favor so she took that side. Once the OC was in the picture then MIL and SIL had the OW and OC to their home and introduced what was then my H's ACTIVE affair partner to my innocent niece and nephew.

As you can see from my sig line. We did not D. Now MIL is trying to back track and get me back into her life. I am being kind and courteous but I will never trust her.

I initially stayed M'd to keep OW away from my COM. I still love my H and we are in a tentative recovery. He is fully committed to me and our M but won't embrace MB. It has been a very difficult and painful time in my life the last 6 years but I would do it again to protect my children, so I understand your need to protect your COM.

I am not yet divorced. We have a temporary agreement, but he is now fighting for more, even full custody. He won't get full custody (and yes he did claim drug abuse, and other abuse and mental issues which all crashed and burned), now he wants to suddenly negotiate custody directly between us. Until now, I have had full custody. It's been a year like this.

Faithful... how you could ever trust your H again is beyond me. Believe me I am not knocking it, but I feel so discarded by the whole family (on his side), I don't think I could EVER allow any of them access to me again. And he is at the very top of that list. Very best of luck with that!

My understanding of the court system (and I am no lawyer) is that judges prefer status quo barring any extreme circumstances. If it were me I would appear cooperative (give him a little extra time when he asks for it) but I would not agree to negotiate. My stance would be that the kids are settled into this schedule and it would be potentially harmful to change.


I don't have all of my trust back and probably never will. He is a changed man in many ways. He sees more and more the harm he has done to me and our COM. He is remorseful. I don't know that I can live the rest of my life with OW in it so it is possible down the road I may end up D'd. I don't know but at least I will know my kids were kept out of the OW's life and influence.

My H's family I will never trust nor have a close R with ever again. What my MIL did was pure evil. What has changed for me is that NOW her daughter is living a version of my h*ll. My SIL's now ex H is living across the street with his stripper OW/gf. SIL is hurt beyond belief and my poor niece has PTSD. My nephew is blaming his sister (who is only 17) for his dad possibly moving away. It is horrible. I told my H long ago by bringing his sin into their home and lives they opened the door to evil.

My MIL has missed out on two wonderful children for nearly 5 years now because of all of this but I had to protect them from her.

I am hoping for the consistency thing to mean something. Especially with a special needs child and the fact that he move to another city. I just want the OW as far away from my family as possible. MIL has had her over. Something I never thought she could do. Especially considering my MILs very conservative religious beliefs and the OWs background. (a lifelong lesbian prior to my WH.) A whole new world. Wish I had the power to keep my kids out of it. Have decided there is no need to meet the OW unless someday, far into the future, I am ready for it. Not a moment before. I am not going to legitimize their dirty little alliance.

I didn't realize one of your kids is special needs. So is my youngest. One of the biggest reasons I wanted to protect my kiddos because DS cannot speak for himself. My FWH took DS to OW's once when I was out of town, during one of our FR's. I could not understand why DS was so upset when I returned until I found out months later what happened. One other time, FWH took DS with him to see OC. Again behind my back and poor DS could not say a word.

As you can see there has been a lot for me to overcome in coming to a place of forgiveness for my H. OW, I will likely never forgive her. She did stuff to me (like stalking me here on MB) that I find reprehensible and unforgiveable.

My payback to her is how attached OC is to me.

The best meeting of an OW that I have read here is where the BS ignored her, and when the OW commented on something, the BS stopped- too a minute to look the OW up and down, and then completely disregaurded her.

Man that shows restraint and class.

What's BS? I really refuse to interact with her at all. WH actually brings her with him to pick up the kids. I don't show my face out of the house but just open the door to let the kids out. She tried to Facebook friend me once. Just ignored her. I feel their behavior is common and beneath me. Which is why I refuse to legitimize it at this point. ILs desertion and acceptance of her still blows my mind.