My WH and I are about 8 wks. past DDay. Lately, we (and I do mean both of us) have been ignoring the BIG elephant in the room. Me because it is very painful for me to hear anything about the A. I do still have unanswered questions that I would like answered by WH, but bringing up the subject is very difficult for me. I know bringing up A is a big LB, and in the book SAA, Dr. Harley states somewhere that the A should 'not be brought up again'. Even in Sue's last letter she writes "We were not allowed to discuss my affair,and that made everything much less stressful." So my question is do I ask my WH the questions I need answered, and then not bring it up again? Things are going fairly well between us, I have some happy days, but some are still very difficult for me. I tend to try to think happy thoughts to get the A out of my mind. I don't want to be LBing by bringing up A. Any thoughts?

It's not LB'ing to discuss the affair. If there are things that you need answers to then you need to ask your WH to give you the truth. Once everything has been revealed and you have all of the information that YOU need to move forward with reovery then you should stop talking about the affair. Until then, he owes you the truth about everything.

You won't be able to recover properly if you aren't satisfied that you know everything that you need to know.

Thank you, mindshare. After I get all of my questions answered, and I'm satisfied, I will be able to move on! Yes, he does owe me the truth, but it is hard for me to hear! I need to do this for my own recovery! Thanks again!

You've answered your own question. Right now the A is the elephant in the room. I'm reminded of the old joke: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." That applies here. This is a HUGE elephant. Letting it sit there, unaddressed, will cause it to become bigger. You say it's hard to hear anything about the A, yet you have unanswered questions. That's why the elephant is still sitting there. Bringing up the A isn't a LB when you're doing so in order to process it. It's a LB when you bring it up as a weapon to hurt your H. You have the right to know what happened during this period of your M.

Some people have no questions. Others, like me, had a million. I had to know every minute detail in order to get that elephant out of my living room. It sounds like you have questions that need to be answered. Yep, it'll be tough to hear the details. But the process of doing so will, oddly enough, probably bring you and your H to a new level of intimacy. There is something cleansing and bonding about getting it all out there.

After your questions have been answered to your satisfaction, you should no longer keep bringing them up. Sometimes you may need to ask the same question a few times in a few different ways in order to get a satisfactory answer. Once you are satisfied with the answer, don't go over it again. It will serve no purpose and will become a LB.

Sounds like you're progressing normally for where you are date-wise. Keep up the good work!

Thank you, MB! I was thinking it might be cleansing to get these last few questions answered, for BOTH of us! It could be a big weight off his shoulders, too! I just need to do this to be able to move on properly. I want to do this right!!

Mindshare is correct, Sunshine...ALL the details of the affair must be revealed - ALL of your questions must be answered to your satisfaction...Only then is the affair not to be a continuous topic of conversation...

BUT...

I think many people get confused where this part is concerned...Not talking about the affair means that you don't use it as a battering ram to win arguments later - and you don't continuously discuss details for years on end...

HOWEVER...

That does not mean that you aren't allowed to say if you've been triggered by something...THAT is VASTLY different than saying things like "How could you?" or "Yeah, I'll bet you really dug when OW did _________". You absolutely are allowed to say things like, "I'm just having a really hard time today, a certain song came on the radio that took me back to that time"...OR "I drove past ________ today, and it has me feeling very hurt right now"...

Do you see the difference?

Honestly, Mr. W and I bring up that time period quite a bit and I have never experienced it as a lovebuster...Since we both post here, most often the context of discussion is our trying to help others - our discussions regarding my affair take on more of a clinical feel if that makes sense - like it or not, it's part of our history and in our house no topic of conversation is off limits between us - There is never a need to go back and discuss specifics of the affair though - the details were all revealed early on...

You know what though? I would WANT Mr. W to tell me if something was bothering him - if he felt the need to ask me anything at all - details or whatever, even now 5 years later, I wouldn't hesitate for a second in giving him whatever he needed - His feelings are the highest priority to me, and I would be willing to go to the ends of the earth to give him anything he needed...

Hope that helps make things more clear for you...

Mrs. W

Great post, Bliss! ITA!

Mrs. W

Sunshine,

For some BS's, writing the questions down and asking FWS to write the answers is helpful in getting the answers they need.

I just have to say, first and foremost, thank God for the Marriage Builders Forums! You all have been so helpful and kind to me in this very difficult time in my life. I really don't know where I'd be without you all! Mrs.W, thank you for clarifying, I hope I will never throw this A in WH's face years from now, I totally see the difference. Alot of things are triggers, and I know I can expect triggers for the rest of my life, so thank you for letting me know how to deal with them! SMB, I was gonna ask that exact question. My husband is not much of a talker to begin with, but talking about A is extremely hard on him, too. Maybe I will write down my questions for him to answer on paper. Maybe I'll give him the choice to talk or write. Actually, talking about the A just makes us cry everytime, so not much gets accomplished! I think writing down questions may be the right move on my part! Thank you SMB!

Some folks have found it useful to actually schedule time to discuss the affair. This allows both of you to mentally prepare for it in advance. It also allows you both to feel more relaxed when it is not affair discussion time because you won't feel like it is always hanging over you and an affair discussion is going to break out at any moment.

Might sound kind of strange at first to schedule time to talk about it but give it a shot. Maybe set aside 2 one hours sessions per week where the affair can be completely and openly discussed in a non-threatening way. If you use this approach then you need to be disciplined not to ask questions outside of the pre-determined times to discuss those details.

I found that going for walks together was a good time to have those conversations about the affair/adultery.

Thank you everyone for all the great advice. My WH and I had a great talk a few days ago. I was very nervous because I know WH tends to get defensive when he talks to people. WH did get defensive at first, but quickly decided he needed to change his 'tude! I asked him all the questions I could think of, and to my knowledge he answered them truthfully. He said he has already hurt me more than I could ever be hurt, so why cover up anything or not be truthful? I know a waywards words can't hold water, but in my heart I believe he was being truthful. I found out some very interesting info, though, way too detailed to get into! I do have another question for all of you. Why is it that the WS can end the A with nasty words to the AP, and the AP can react and say things to the WS. But, we, as the BS can't put our 2 cents in to the AP. After 9 long wks. since DDay, I just want to send her a message on FB or something. Especially after finding everything out when I talked with my WH, the things she did, she is evil and mean, manipulative etc. etc! I've already got to vent, and cry and yell at my WH, but I feel she deserves to hear from me, too! Can I do this? Should I do this? Do I just let it go? Any thoughts?

I fired off quite a few choice words to OM using facebook. OM told my FWW that he felt sad, and he never really meant no harm to me and my family. If I get my story right, FWW came to me and said how bad he felt trying to get me to change my tune, as if I gave a crap how he felt.

Guess who the bad guy was.... ME!

You want to be the perfect lady to your man during Plan A. You want those tables turned so when the WH is out of the fog he can see that you are above the level of the OW's name calling and cat fighting....meow.

You just gotta drop her like a bag of bad potatoes. They stink and there is no use punching them cause they will put their stink on you.

I LIKE THAT!

Thanks Wheels! I don't know why all of a sudden I have the urge to talk to her, I guess getting all the details of the A from my WH makes me want to rip her eyes out!!! Or at least call her a few choice names!LOL! I will try my best to drop the stinky, yucky, nasty bag of potatoes!!!! (I definitely don't want that stink on me!) I can't promise anything, though! Gosh, this is soooo tough!

Well if you change your mind I have some dark clothes, black ski mask and a few cans of spray paint in the garage. Do you know where she lives?

That's awesome, suamico! Can you be over at, let's say, 9:00? It's dark by then, right??!! Ha, Ha!

Okay, on Sat. POSOW left a message on WH work phone. I have the phone with me at all times when WH brings it home at night and on weekends. I listened to her message, it just said a bunch of garbage like, 'please WH just call me back back I have a quick question for you, don't worry I'm not gonna come stand at your doorstep.' There was lots of stuff I could not understand, but the last part was (said in a smarta$$ tone)'then you can get on with your happy married life!' Blah, blah, blah! I told WH about it when I got home, he was surprised and I said "here I'll play it for you". He replied, "No, I don't want to hear it I don't want to know what she said, please just erase it." So I erased it, and asked him if I could write a message to her on FB, he said if you do that I'm afraid you'll regret it. I know he is right, we're hoping just ignoring her will make her stop. Would it be totally wrong to go against his wishes and send her a 'not so nice' message?

Did your WH send a NC letter? If so, NC is for BOTH of you.

Change that number. Change all of the numbers if you have to.

Advice PLEASE!!!! OW just cornered my husband in his work truck. My WH delivers water, OW apparently saw his truck and parked in front of it. She asked him "why can't we be friends?" blah, blah, blah! WH told OW "Because I fu#@%ng HATE you!!" He told OW that he loves his wife and to leave him the HELL alone! WH called me right away. His voice was shaking he was soooo upset!!! My question: Can I call her? My WH advised against it, but did say " do what you feel you need to do." I have never talked to her, I just want to yell and say 'LEAVE MY FAMILY ALONE!!!!!" I feel like I have a right. I am so upset right now. Advice needed to get me through this.