HopeE,

He is miserable.

He does realize what he has done.


His misery has been played out in his betrayal of himself, you, and his family.

He realizes what he has done - the issue is that he has chosen to deny responsibility for it, to deny that he has even done anything at all. He has chosen to LIE about an affair, despite overwhelming evidence, despite others who acknowledge that it has occurred, despite the fact that he is an adulterer.

He realizes it all. His misery exists, because of his CHOICES.


You do not see his misery, because you do not live inside his heart or mind.

This man has separated himself not only from his wife and family, but also from God.


There is no greater misery.


He knows exactly what he has done, and knows his misery, for he lives it every day.


HopeE,
In your own life, focus on what YOU can control, what YOU can change, what YOU can do. It is not related to anything that HE HAS DONE OR CHOSEN. You did not choose those things, and you did not do those things. You cannot help your WH now - that is up to him to do. Driving by the OW's house will not save him. Knowing where he is will not save him. Understanding that he is in misery will not save him.

The only thing that will save him is for HIM to make HIS OWN CHANGES - and this comes from living with the consequences, however miserable, of his own choices.

He will do that - one way or the other.


Make your own good choices, and work on yourself. That is the only path you can walk right now. Walk that path with your kids, help your kids to understand THAT PATH.

Allow WH to figure out how to get himself where he needs to be.

If he gets himself home, then you can fix things.

If not, you and your children will be far enough down the right path that you will be healing, stronger, and able to continue toward a healthy recovery without him.

SB

(((Hope)))....I am glad to hear that you are doing better, it is good to get out with friends to get your mind off of the sitch...but I just want you to eat good and get plenty of sleep, if you can...It sounds silly but it makes so much of a difference in our mindset when we get enough of those things. Hang in there...

Again, I know you're right SB. It's hard to get my mind of him and what he is doing, but I'm getting better. I almost took a nosedive when DS11 spoke with him about getting them this next weekend. He again told them that he was going out of town. I know this is a lie. He just wants to get drunk and screw while it's the fourth of July weekend. Taking his kids to the lake for that weekend will put a serious cramp in his relationship with OW....not to mention he can't have the children around the OW.


I had my brother text WH about picking up the children on Friday morning, but I'm expecting him to say no. I guess I'll just always have to be at the mercy of what he wants. I certainly can't make him come and get them.

i don;t think plan b bothers my husband.....he just continues to have his fun.....doesn't even call anyone.

Absentee Dads are the worse. I cant believe he is turning away a chance to spend time with his kids. It just goes to show how selfish Waywards are.

Ok,

Well, my brother text me back and said that WH can't get kids because he's leaving to go out of town for a job interview....mmmm....the interview is on Monday.

Here is my next question??? If he gets another job, how do I make sure about child support and insurance? I guess I just need to wait and see what happens. He only has so much time to look for another job as there is a cutoff for teachers. You have 45 days before the first instructional day to notify your district of quitting.

I'm also concerned about how far he will go to get out. If he goes hours away, then that's less time he will spend with the kids.

Truth is, that 45 days is pretty flexible. Most districts will release a teacher they know wants to move away, especially if that teacher has over five years of experience. That way, the district can hire a new teacher at much less expense, and those types are lined up all over Texas looking for work right now.

Districts really aren't holding on to licenses for that 45 day gap issue, unless you are in a critical need area:

upper level math
upper level chemistry
speech-language therapy (licensed by the TEA, which most aren't anymore anyway)
bilingual/spanish-speaking

you get the idea.


If the district feels like it won't be able to replace you, they will not release your contract. If you are easily replaceable with a new and "Cheaper" teacher, BYE-BYE!

Also, many districts have an attitude that if you do not want to be there, then they do not want you. I used to provide specilized services for a nearby district, and their superintendent once said that if someone wanted to leave, he would not stand in their way. If that meant that a position was subbed out, contracted, or whatever, so be it. He didn't want somebody working there who had the attitude that they didn't want to be at that job or in that district. He said it was easier to let them leave than to fight the crap all year with an unhappy employee.

He has a point, ya know?

I would say WH has a good chance to sign off, depending on what he teaches.


As for his attitude toward the kids. Your WH has changed his skin completely before in his past. This isn't his first time doing that. I am beginning to believe that he may be wanting to shed this skin yet again, and try to be yet another "person". Once he wanted to be a preacher, shed that, then someone else, shedding that?

SB

Thanks SB....you're so knowledgable about all this stuff. He's got about 7 years experience and he's a Math teacher....alternatively certified. I guess I'm wondering how moving away will fit in with the OW plan. Maybe he does just want to shed his skin and become someone else. I know he can't teach out of the state of Texas unless he takes tests...so why does he have to leave on Friday for an interview on Monday?

I know I know.....I'm not supposed to think about what he's doing. It's hard though.

He has to leave on Friday because the certification tests are administered


on Saturdays.

Just so happens I got a call from a friend who needed some legal questions answered for a practice test she was taking for a certification exam she was studying for on Saturday!


He may have had a late registration for a certain certification exam. When you do that, you may have to travel to a certain site to sit for the exam, because if the seats are taken up in the registered sites, you have to go where there are open seats.


Possibility. Or, if he is taking an out-of-state exam, he would have to go there.

Also, some states do offer cross-border certifications in some areas. My license is medical, and I carry national certification. I do not have to take any tests to cross to any state for licensure. I just go there, fill out their forms, and pay my license fee. Kinda nice. But for schools, I am also able to automatically carry my teaching license into certain states as well, because once licensed in any states, some states acknowledge other state licenses and automatically carry it over - without reexaminations.

If he is moving to a certain state west of Texas, it may be possible for him to move without testing.

it seems that at some point these men change their priorities about life and crave freedom. Starting anew with someone else and somewhere else.
What can we do about that? Can we expect people never to change and always be the same for the rest of their lives? Change is part of life, we all change, every minute our body cells renew themselves.
People become someone else we do not recognize, it is hard but it is the way it is. It hurts a lot because they take on another woman and want to get out of the marriage in the worst possible and most hurtful way. But they might truly want something different.Only that they are too immature and selfish to work it out in an honest and thoughtful way.
blessing

I change, but I don't shirk my responsibilities and go against the law of God. He still claims he was not in an affair and that I kicked him out and ruined his life.

Please, renewing body cells???? I don't swallow that for one minute. We are all born into sin and selfish by nature. The thing is we learn right from wrong and the God that lives in me and the God I thought lived in my husband is there to convict and show us our wrong ways. The one thing God gave us is a free will. I can't change my husband's will and I'm learning that everyday.

SB,

I don't know that he's taking any tests. He just told my brother that he was going to a job interview on Monday. I just don't understand why he has to leave on a Friday morning for an interview on Monday. It just seems that it's an excuse to not be with the children.

I am not saying your H is doing the right thing at all. He is doing something terrible and he will have to live with it for the rest of his life.
However, from the looks of it all including what my own H is doing, it seems to me that these men come to a point where they can't go on leading the married life they committed to. They turn into something else, get into an A and want out of their M.
They become very entitled and angry and do not seem to understand that change can be done gradually and not drastically and that even if they want to leave their M they are still responsible for spending time with their kids, paying alimony and not cheting on their wives.
blessing

Yes, Hope, I agree, it does sound like he has planned a 4th of july weekend with someone else maybe OW. But again trying to figure out what he is doing is not going to help you.
I think you are going to see more and more of him trying to escape his responsibilities towards his kids. I know it seems impossible for us to believe that they do not care but in the end their actions speak volumes.
My H used to love our son and now he never calls him nor cares to see him. Our son is in college but still needs to know his dad loves him, especially with what is going on now. My H can care less.
blessing

Yes, this is true.

Why couldn't exposure have worked for me? Is there a pattern for the type of husband or wife that responds to the exposure. I know mine wasn't as explosive as some, but I thought it would end it. Why does the OW still want to be with him despite the explosion?

I was reading back over my thread from the beginning, so I've just been thinking.

Hey, mine didn't do anything IMMEDIATE either. At least your WH seemed ANGERED by yours. Mine didn't at all. It is like it didn't even affect him and OW. The only thing I focus on is that WH and OW can't spin this to be something else. EVERYONE who matters, knows the TRUTH. They can't make it seem like a "love story" that happened AFTER we were separated. That is the solace I take from my exposure(even if it was more like a "pop" than a "BOOM").

The thing is they are still sneaking around.....trying to hide everything. Does that seem weird to anyone? I guess because I'm filing on terms of adultery and trying to get her to testify? They are just going to try and hide it from my children and everyone until this divorce is final.

I'm tired of worrying and speculating.

Hope, it has been 10 months now since I exposed and H still hides the A. He tells people he is seeing someone else but he is very vague about it...
It is their way not to deal with the mess they created, plus at this stage they are trying to protect OW because they think we are criminals and would injure her if we saw them together.
My H told me that after is first A. He said he was reluctant to tell me who OW was because "I never know what your rections could have been, you might have hurt her"
Incredible isn't it!!!
Speculating does not help but at the stage you are at it is almost impossible not to, it comes naturally. You miss him and you are trying to make sense of what is going on, but there is no logic nor an explanation to it. The mind, however wants an answer and it is not there...and that' when we feel as if we are going crazy.
After the exposure is probably too hard for your H and OW to do what they please so your H decided to move so he can do what he pleases away from the school community and people who now know about A and what he has done.. If he changes town and job he can then start a new life possibly with OW.
This is a good thing in a way because he will be out of your air, however it is not good at all for your kids.
blessing

You're right in that I would feel better if they were both gone, but I do hate that he will conveniently disappear from his children's lives.

I will be surprised if she moves with him as all her family is here.....but who knows. People will do anything for love I suppose. I did. I went all over America for him supporting all his ventures and new ideas.

DS7 is at camp today and I may plan a pedicure for myself. I need to do something today.

They might not move in, maybe your WH just needs to feel "free" and then date OW or more than just OW. There is no limit to the downward spiral they set themselves into. Pleasure, pleasure and more pleasure...but the pain they will experience is already surfacing. I would not want to be them, not even for a second.
No matter how much they fake being happy, they are just a shell of a person. Yuck.
Good idea about the pedicure to take care of yourself.
Your kids will be fine because you were honest with them. They can tell WH is a rotten apple they are much more mature than he is at this stage....
WH is just so deep into ruining is life that it is a blessing he is gone from your life and your kid's. He is good for nothing and not a delight to be around, I am sure.
blessing