[color:#CC0000]Hello,
I am new to posting but I have been reading for a few months.
Here is my story.
December 2009 I find a google email address in H car as we were out xmas shopping .
i questioned him about it and he blew it off. I phoned a friend to go into the account and take a look. Well she finds that he is emailing 3 different women -i of them being my BEST FRIEND. One of the women happens to be someone he worked with in 2006 and had an affair with. I only find out about this affair in this particular email where they talk about a bathroom inicident when she worked there.
Back in 2006 we went through a rough patch we were not getting along all because of his attiude. ( NOw i know why were not
getting along) He picked a fight and left our house for approx. 2 weeks. Well i decided to go to a lawyer and proceed with a D becasue i could not endure any more. When he got wind of the D he changed his attitude and came back home. Always denying it was about anything other than our not getting along. I believed him and he reconciled and the next 3 years were very happy ones (So i thought). He never let one that
he was emailing these other women. The OW that he had th fling with got started back up when she came by his job to try and get their business. (SO he says).
These emails never show any PA but just flirting, and sexual texts where he asks my BF to send a naked pic of herself.
She refused. He did request she and 1 of the other women to meet him at the park. It never happened.
The third women is an old high school fiance that dumped him for his best friend over 25 years ago!! She is married.
any way since Dday he has been Mr. Wonderful and he has sent an NC email to all three women with no contact that I can tell.
His is totally transparent to me. He is being super husband.
My problem --- i am afraid of him doing this to me again.
Help!!!!

Thanks

BW-43
WH-42
DS-12
Married 14 years

Well, first off, I would get on the phone and call the OW's husband and tell her what your H has done to him. Everyone, includnig your child should know all about his affairs. The more people who know he is a serial cheater, the more ppl to hold him accountable. Serial cheaters have a tendency to screw with the heads of children because they teach them that wrong is right. If you tell your child, you can give him some much needed moral guidance. Because he will find out eventually - it is better to come from you.

And secondly, I would only agree to stay with him if he agrees to take a polygraph, tell you the FULL TRUTH about his past affairs, affair proofs your marriage by changing the environment that led to the affairs and participates in the MB program.

Anything less than that is going to lead you to Affair #5 or 6. He will have to make DRAMATIC changes in order for you to be safe. And you need to set some very strict boundaries here or you are headed for affair # whatever is next.

But the first step is not sweep his affairs under the rug, but to tell you every thing about them. And the husbands of any married women he has fooled with should be told PRONTO.

BH, go get the book Surviving an Affair ASAP. You can buy it cheap on this website, but that is where I would start.

How has he been about answering all your questions about his affairs?

He does not like to answer questions about the affair of 2006. He says she came onto him and he was weakd because we were complacent and he thought I didnt love him.
Girl # was the workplace affair of 2006. she is not married but she is bisexual>
Girl # 2 was my BF I did tell her husband they were exchanging racy emails. I dont know how that marriage has turned out.
Girl # 3 was the old gf from 25 years ago. I did not expose because in reading the emails it was striclty email no physical contact. I hold my WH accountable because he is the one who persued and the one who couldnt resist.

It has been 6 mos. I do see remorse and a changed man. He has cried, gotten on his knees, begged pleaded and groveled.
He is totally transparent with everyting. I have email pw and such. There was never any activity on our cell phone bcause he knew that i checked them.

Again , he swears there was no physical affair from 2006 but one of the emails talks about "melissas couch". I am so torn on whether to believe him or not.

Do you believe this man's tears after 3 affairs? Are you doing MC, have you asked him what he thinks of that?
blessing

did you and your H read the literature on this site?

Yes we have done MC. I am reading the literature. He is not.
Do i believe his tears?? They seem real He seems sincere. He is doing everything to prove to me that he is remorseful.
I have gotten a poem every day for the last 5 months pouring out his love for me. He has taken me on surprise trips. Flowers, gifts, the whole nine yards.
He will NOT talk about the A other than to say I was an idiot and i messed up. Never again he says. He says he has seen the light and almost lost his family over it.

How do i know that he will never do it again?

Also i need to add that he had sent an email to two other old flames and they never responded. This is a total of 5 that he was trying to have contact with ALL at the same time!!!!!What is all that about????

If you do not expose he will not learn his lesson, and once this is "passed" you guys he will do it again, but he will be extremely better on hiding it.

Sweeping his dirty laundry under the rug is not going to help you, him or your M. Gifts, tears and groveling don't mean anything so please do not pin your hopes on him buying a clue on those things.

WH is not reading the literature because he is not sincere and hopes you drop it. Do not end up like me. There are red flags everywhere that should not be ignored. If he is not willing to protect you and your M at all costs, it is up to you to protect yourself from him. That is the bottom line.

Tell him to dry the tears ... WS are good at the tears. My WH spent 3 days moping around, crying ... only to tell me the very next week that he has decided he misses OW and he packed his suitcase and left to move in with OW. that was 3 days ago...

Also ... PLEASE listen to these brilliant people on this board. As I go back and read my original thread, several people were telling me he was still in his A ... was in such denial i couldn't see the flags even though they were everywhere. Guess what ... Two DDays later and an "I miss OW" ... here I am. He NEVER ended it. He couldn't. He's addicted to OW.

So please, when someone tells you there are flags, please, please pay attention. Do more snooping, do something!!! These people know what they are talking about!

My H did many of the things you mention above after his first A. However looking back now, he was just going thru the motions. I can see it very clearly now. Not then.
His second A was the sneakiest thing on earth. He became a pro. and it ended our M.
ALSO, your WH is a serial cheater. 5 OW at once. He really has to do some serious work andnot even dream about saying he does not want to talk about the A..he does not call the shots. YOU do.
Did you make that clear to him?
blessing

Take a look at Joseph's Letter.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2383100

Well this evening we have had a huge argument over me asking him to answer some questions about all these women/affairs. He refuses and tells me that he has already answered enought questions and that i am just trying to pick a fight.

I know that i am doing some serious love busting here but i have a right to know the truth.
I told him that if he couldn answer some questions then it is over.
did i do the right thing?

Well, I don't think that you telling him that if he couldn't answer some wuestions that it was over was the best thing for you to say. You could have said, "As long as you are not being Open and Honest with me, there is no hope for marital recovery."

Have you thought about getting your WH to a polygraph? That way you can have the answers to all of the questions you have.

my hurt and anger get in the way and i start spouting off at the mouth.

i just dont understand why he cant answer a few questions

he woud never agree to a polygraph

UPDATE:: since he would not come clean with me i called
1 of the women ( the old gf from 25 years ago). She informed me that he showed up at her workplace one day just to talk. She also informed me that he has been in email contact with her for several years. Not constant contact but occasional contact.

Now tell me why he has such a hang up about this girl after 25 years? She told me that she was not interested in him.

he is so sorry...............

He can't answer a few questions because
a.) if he's truly finished with those women, he wants to 'put it behind' him and move on, or
b.) the whole thing is embarrassing and he doesn't want to feel embarrassed, or
c.) he's lying.

None of these are good, and they are all about him. The wrong person is driving the bus here, broken. YOU are now driving the bus. During his A's it was all about him and his damaging,selfish activities. You are the victim of these activities. As the victim, you have the right to have all information about your marital history. His refusal to disclose the actions behind this crime against you and your marriage is unacceptable, and will prevent you and your marriage from healing.

Have you given him Joseph's Letter?

I can appreciate your LBs while trying to process this whole thing. I know this is easy for me to say, but try to avoid AOs with him when the subject of the A comes up. I did the same thing a few times (okay, more than a 'few' times ) - it's not productive. When you think about the A and want to explode, grab a pillow and pound the living sh*t out of it. Also, try not to give him ultimatums unless you really mean them, and not during an AO.

Your pain over the A is valid and requires attention. Your WH needs to answer your questions to your satisfaction.

Update with questions:

After finally getting my husband to open up and tell me a little bit more about the old gf from 25 years ago. I find out
that back in 06 they met several different places for talking not Sex.(SO he says). We were seperated for 2 weeks at the time. He also informed me that this girl came to his mothers house to visit with him. His mother allowed this. I am apalled that she allowed this to go on in her house. Therefore I am told husband that i would never go back to his mothers house again!!

I also sent email to OW and told her that I would supbpoiena her to court to get on the stand and tell the story about her and my husband since i couldnt seem to get the truth from him or her. I also informed her that I was done with my husband and that she could have him and that i would be informing her husband about this. Did i do the wrong thing? Do u think she wil even respond to the email? Was i right about never going to the MIL house again?