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The no contact letter is worthless while they are working together. She will continue to have contact with him. With continued contact, recovery can never happen.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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obr,
That is a MORE contact letter ~ not a "No Contact" letter.
The template from SAA is impersonal by design...the opposite of your WW's letter. The letter is begging for a response. Did she ask for your approval before sending it? I WOULD NOT send it.
BUT this is not a surprise considering you haven't exposed. You know you are enabling the A at this point, right? You need to expose it to everyone...TODAY! Especially if you feel your W is getting closer to leaving her job, it MAY push her to actually leave if she knows everyone is watching her next step.
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Her molasses slow steps away from this situation concern me, but also give me a lot of hope. Yesterday was her best day yet and she actually told me that she loves me. Something I haven't heard in a while. obr, I think that your W is manipulating you into 1) not exposing & 2) letting her continue working with OM. Just a couple days ago you showed her this site ~ and all the sudden you are seeing changes. She agrees to work on the M, tells you she loves you and also says "maybe" she'll leave but assures you that OM really wants to be a fireman and will probably leave?? Don't fall for this. She is not serious about ending the A. She is just hoping you will back down from what you have learned here.
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Thanks for the advice. I'm contacting her boss in the next hour after their lunch is likely over.
@SusieQ and others
I gave the wrong impression somehow. My wife has NOT seen this site. I'm a software guy and have taken measures to make sure that won't happen.
BH: 29
WW: 25 with co-worker EA, false recovery, then PA
Status: in recovery
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Gotcha. But you did give her the impression that you had been reading online and that she HAD to leave the job in order for the M to work, right?
I really do feel she is trying to do just enough to get you to back down from that request...many WSs do this when they feel their BSs are getting fed up with the A.
Good job on the workplace exposure. Let us know how it goes!
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I did mention I had support from friends and an Internet community. I don't think I related her needing to leave her job to this forum (I've not even used that word), but I may have said that in everything I've read, I find that our situation won't heal until he's out of the picture entirely, including the workplace, facebook, phone, email, etc.
BH: 29
WW: 25 with co-worker EA, false recovery, then PA
Status: in recovery
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Well, I had her read a printout of the No Contact article from affaircare.com. She was quiet a while. We talked some and I explained that for us to truly work on our marriage, I'm asking her to quit her job Monday morning. This is what I am referring to. This got her worried and she is hoping you will back down from it. She doesn't want to stop working with OM. Her NC letter was a big  Don't fall for it.
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You have read all of the material and you have been advised what to do. You know your next steps. You need to expose and your WW needs to end ALL contact with her OM. I am glad that you are contacting her boss. Is that done yet?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Well that didn't work out. At first her boss agreed to meet. Then as I was leaving she called and said she couldn't and didn't want to get in the middle of anything. I understand her position though. Now I'm trying to gather info on how to reach HR without accidentally contacting the OM who works in HR (or any of his buddies in HR).
This is surprisingly uncomfortable. I'm not even sure what to say. Do companies even have an issue with non-sexual affairs with co-workers if they don't significantly abuse company time to get together? I know personal emails were sent, though they are well aware of IT keeping copies. My wife has even commented on that before.
BH: 29
WW: 25 with co-worker EA, false recovery, then PA
Status: in recovery
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Write the letters(at least 3 of them as ML suggested) to the Pres, Vice-Pres and attorney for the company with CC at the bottom. You can send a fourth one to HR with a CC to the other 3 as well so that OM WILL find out. When you expose, OM and WW WILL find out. You DON'T want them to find out beforehand. You want to make sure that you expose NOW. Your WW and OM are probably going to find out that you talked to her boss. Start those phone calls and contact all of the family, friends, etc.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Obr,
Stop lying to yourself and letting your wife con you into believing this is not already a full blown physical affair. Do you really believe this has not gone beyond 2 kisses? Please she is talking separation and divorce. You need to hire a PI or get a friend to see where your wife and OM go during their lunch hour. Probably a sleazy $29 hotel close to their work or some isolated alley or parking lot. Maybe even OM's own place. That is a good place to start. A single OM is the most dangerous kind of OM to your marriage because he does not have as much to loose. Work with what you have. Mess with his career notify every single friend on his facebook.
That is if you still want yor WW once you finf out the whole truth and not what she chooses to spoon feed you.
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Yes, use the form letter given to you earlier.
Even if the workplace can't officially do anything, it will help to kill the excitement that your WW and OM feel when they see each other at work knowing that it has been reported.
Affairs THRIVE in secrecy and the best thing you can do is shine a spotlight on it.
Who else are you going to expose to? It sounds like you are on a path to a trickle exposure and that is something I fear you will regret. You really need to have a list and just go down it and try to hit everyone in a day or two. Then you let your WW know that everyone knows. That is key.
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Ok someone correct me if I am wrong here but:
OM is in HR. He has reportedly kissed WW twice. That is physical contact.
Could that not constitute a sexual harassment liability for the company?
If so, run with it in your exposure letters. It will have more of an impact than just they are having an emotional affair.
Me - BS Him - WS Discovery 3/26/10 NC letter mailed 5/27/10 NC letter recieved 5/29/10 My Thread Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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This NC letter is a no go. She is going to be indefinitely sending "this time is the last time" messages unless you break the A with exposure. She just doesn't have control over the power of the addicition.
She's also going to try to convince you to have closure with OM. Don't fall for that. Just use the standard MB NC letter. But I agree that an NC letter is not gonna help as much at this stage when they still work together.
The cat is out of the bag now at her company. You must move FAST with the letters and process you've been adviced here.
BTW, OM's fireman aspirations sounds really cheesy. His pants are the only thing on fire that he should be worrying about. Exposure will be the best way to put that fire out.
--ElCamino72
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I have two great opportunities to talk to a lot of people tomorrow afternoon or Thursday afternoon. I suspect that the counselors we are meeting with tomorrow are going to push for both her to leave her job and for us to open up about this with family; per their comments from Sunday on affairs.
There is lots going on in the next 3 days. I'll keep this thread updated as I have time.
BH: 29
WW: 25 with co-worker EA, false recovery, then PA
Status: in recovery
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@ElCamino72
As far as I know, only a single hug took place in the workplace. The rest was after work on their dates or after company softball games.
And yes, the fireman bit is cheesy. I felt stupid just typing it, let alone hearing it.
Last edited by obr3; 06/28/10 02:57 PM.
BH: 29
WW: 25 with co-worker EA, false recovery, then PA
Status: in recovery
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The details such as 2 kisses or 1 hug or full blown sex don't matter to HR. Sexual harassment in the work place can be occuring without any physical contact, welcomed or not.
Please expose them to HR and supervisors in writing.
Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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Well that didn't work out. At first her boss agreed to meet. Then as I was leaving she called and said she couldn't and didn't want to get in the middle of anything. I understand her position though. Now I'm trying to gather info on how to reach HR without accidentally contacting the OM who works in HR (or any of his buddies in HR).
This is surprisingly uncomfortable. I'm not even sure what to say. Do companies even have an issue with non-sexual affairs with co-workers if they don't significantly abuse company time to get together? I know personal emails were sent, though they are well aware of IT keeping copies. My wife has even commented on that before. obr, did you read my post about workplace exposure? It needs to be done in the way I suggested by sending a certified letter to a KEY VP with a cc to another key executuve and their supervisors. This way, no one can give into the temptation to deep six the letter. Your wife's supervisor is going to try to bury the workplace affair now. This could not have happened if a LETTER with a cc on it had gone to her boss and a key VP. obr, we can't be of much help if you don't follow our advice. We have been doing this for years and know best practices. Additionally, your close relatives and friends should be exposed around the same time. And I do mean KEY family members. This is not something that can be pencil whipped. The affair needs to be exposed WITHOUT THE FOREWARNING OF YOUR WS. Forewarning her will ruin your effort.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MelodyLane posted this letter. Thanks btw. I'm considering using it. To Whom It May Concern:
This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.
WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.
If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.
Regards,
BS
BH: 29
WW: 25 with co-worker EA, false recovery, then PA
Status: in recovery
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Obr,
I implore you to listen to the posters and expose right NOW. Don't wait 3 days hoping your wife comes around. You have tipped your hand already. The boss already said she did not want to get involved. Don't count on her not giving a heads up to your wife. That gives your wife and OM time to spin a story about you being controlling and crazy.
Don't join the ranks of the other spinelss cuckoled BH's who have graced the board and took heaps of abuse from their WW's.
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