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@Delta You are handling this beautifully. Prayers 
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Please pray for/send warm fuzzies to these girls ... that their precious friendship is sustained and even strengthened through this. Will do, DD. You did good, friend. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This is all about avoiding intense pain for my children. Stan, I can see that you are happy with the decision you have taken and that nothing said here will change your view. For all these years OM has maintained his hope that your wife will return to him. He is convinced of her love for him and he "knows" she is only with you because you have one last daughter still at home. Exposure is a card that he keeps in his pocket. He will use it when he thinks that it will bring your wife to him, or when he realises that your wife is staying with you despite all the children having flown. His persistence in maintaining contact for six years shows that he is quite capable of doing this because he is still obsessed with your wife. One day OM will expose, but I'm sure you've prepared for that. Your post is quite correct. I am sure OM has hopes. I could care less! If my wife re-starts the affair so be it. I then walk away knowing that I gave the marriage my best and protected her. If she goes back to OM I will expose, but it will be because I want the kids to understand why the marriage has ended. Nevertheless, I am not worried about a reconnection, I don't think my wife is that evil. I realize OM may expose the affair. In fact OM once told mother in law that he always loved my wife since they were in high school. However, my mother in law cannot fathom that my wife could have an affair with this man-----they are a huge physical mismatch. The day OM exposes the affair my wife and kids will be in pain. I will feel sorry for my wife and give comfort to my children and ask them to forgive their mother. I know my kids will be in pain, but I don't think they will despise me for trying to protect them. After all I did not do anything wrong. I do know that my wife told OM in the aftermath of D-day that she would commit suicide if he exposed the affair. Then after D-day the OM slowly infiltrated my wife's family with implied threats of exposure. I was somewhat weird to watch my wife realize she had being in love with a psycopath. This mismatch speaks to the stupidity of affairs. My wife fell in love over the Internet because admiration is her no 1 EN. Folks that have admiration as their No.1 EN are at risk for affairs, however, this is the easiest EN to meet in marriage.
Stanley
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(Stan) WHAT!!! YOU ARE LETTING THE OM HANG OUT WITH YOUR CHILD????
YOU ARE CRAZY!! Straw men are not allowed in MB 
Stanley
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I do know that my wife told OM in the aftermath of D-day that she would commit suicide if he exposed the affair. The real reason comes out! FINALLY !!!!!! The old "I will kill myself". Myrna has you manipulated with this threat. Who is the sociopath now?
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(Stan) WHAT!!! YOU ARE LETTING THE OM HANG OUT WITH YOUR CHILD????
YOU ARE CRAZY!! Straw men are not allowed in MB People who don't listen to the MB rule are not allowed in MB 
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I do know that my wife told OM in the aftermath of D-day that she would commit suicide if he exposed the affair. The real reason comes out! FINALLY !!!!!! The old "I will kill myself". Myrna has you manipulated with this threat. Who is the sociopath now? Oh, please. My S threatened this, too. In response, my BFF said "No, I don't think so. Destructive, narcissistic people don't kill themselves, only destructive people do." Right on.
FBW in recovery
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I do know that my wife told OM in the aftermath of D-day that she would commit suicide if he exposed the affair. The real reason comes out! FINALLY !!!!!! The old "I will kill myself". Myrna has you manipulated with this threat. Who is the sociopath now? Pepper: Maybe sociopaths have affinity for each other. I know the suicide comment is bogus, but i cannot inflict pain on my wife or any other person. I don't think my wife needs to wear the scarlet letter in her forehead. Furthermore, I actually believe OM would not change his ways with exposure.
Stanley
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Stop disrupting this thread with personal agendas! If you can help the OP with Marriage Builders, please do. Otherwise, refrain from posting.
Let's get back on track here, people.
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EDIT
moderators note: do not remove moderator's edits
Last edited by Fireproof; 06/28/10 10:31 AM. Reason: TOS disruptive and baiting removed moderators edit
Stanley
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But YOUR DAUGHTER should NOT be placed in the situation of being the one to spill the beans on this. She should not be hurt by the fallout, getting the "blame" for all of it, or have to bear the burden of trying to explain how all of the mess happened. Nope. That should fall to an ADULT. I agree with this principle, but I also agree that the daughter should not be asked to lie, and should feel free to disclose the TRUTH if she wants to. She is a human being with her own opinions and her own rights and should be treated that way. Both of these girls are practically adults and I don't think she should be TOLD what to do in this situation. Have a good discussion about the options she has, and express these principles that have been expressed in this discussion here. Principles such as: secrecy made the family sick, she shouldn't have to be in this situation, we decided to tell you and they decided not to tell her, etc.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I am all for exposure to stop affairs, but I see no point in public flogging of folks that are not actively involved in an affair.
Expose to adults (if that is what you want), but leave the kids out of this mess. oh honestly, Stanley, knock it off. That is bad advice and you are suffering from not following the policy of exposure in your own marriage. Exposure is NOT solely for the purpose of ending of the affair and you know that. Delta and her husband have ALREADY exposed to their own daughter at the direction of Steve Harley. THAT is the Marriage Builder's policy. The discussion is about exposure to the COUSIN, the child of the OTHER WS. She is trying to decide how to tell the child of the other WS. Hmm, I guess it would eliminate most of the tension if Delta simply exposed to the niece. I'm sure many folks would find that immoral since the niece is not her child. But, you know, many folks find what the niece's parents are doing to be immoral, as well. And the niece's parents could be viewed as the ones who are putting Delta's daughter in such a bad situation. "Well, I told your daughter because it was too much pressure on my daughter to keep a secret, and I didn't want to put her in that situation. You want our daughters to remain friends, don't you?"
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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This is all about avoiding intense pain for my children.
Regarding this thread:
If some of the cousins know and others don't and if they are constantly talking there may very well be a an accidental discovery. That's the thing, she will find out. Eventually the cousins will talk and she will find out. Then the parent will have to explain why they lied all these years. I should stop reading your posts. They make me angry. I was lied to as a child until I was a teenager. It didn't have anything to do with an affair but it had to do with my real father. I found out from a family friend throuh a slip of the tongue. I was angry at my mother for years. She didn't tell me because she didn't want "to hurt me". I would not have been had she told me. I still sometimes remind her when she talks about honesty that she is not someone that should be talking about honesty. Your children will eventually find out. You deserve how they treat you because of the way you are treating them. What you're saying is that you know better than Dr. Harley. You know, kilted, you and MelodyLane and Vibrissa telling your stories have made me glad that things fell out for me the way they did. I was about 14 or so when I discovered my mother's adultery, and I exposed to my father! Horrible thing for a little guy to go through, but when I see the alternatives ... wow. That's some serious pain to have to carry. I am even glad now that I exposed to my mother's wayward mother. She immediately tore her up verbally for being such a hypocrite, and I've felt bad about that. But no more. It's not my fault I wasn't told my grandmother was wayward, it's not my fault my mother chose to be wayward, and it's not my fault they apparently devoured one another. I just thank God I don't even know them any more. 14 year olds shouldn't have to be adults, but if they are thrust into an adult situation, let them act adult. Don't rob them of a piece of the puzzle of their lives.
Last edited by markos; 06/28/10 10:55 AM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Delta, I have just read through your thread and I admire your strength and the example you have set for your DD.
When I exposed to my DD16 (she had just turned 15 at the time), I got heat from some of my family that it was not "healthy" to tell and would serve no purpose.
Kids are smarter than we know. When I told DD she already guessed who it was.
Did she have issues? Absolutely, but with love, hard work and counseling 2 years later she is doing well.
She has healthy relationships with friends, has a BF that they have mutual respect for each other, and did not slide into drugs or drinking.
Your DD will appreciate your honesty in the long run. Your niece might not be so lucky. She will feel betrayed that she could not be "trusted" to know the truth.
She does not have any R with her father (13 months) but it was her decision and it is a healthy one that protects her right now.
You are teaching your DD what is right and you both are an example for her.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Please pray for/send warm fuzzies to these girls ... that their precious friendship is sustained and even strengthened through this. Done sweetie...... You've done well........I'm very impressed with how you all are handling this.......  Delta and girls Not
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"This is a lie. The OM took your own DD to lunch and was stalking her on the internet. He attended a family funeral and was allowed to engage with your wife and DD. Your DD still doesn't know he is her mothers OM. So, I don't believe you when you say you want to protect your children from anything. YOU HAVEN'T. "
Stanley live in the land of denial.
Isn't that near Egypt?
They kids do not always have to be told. However with the OM stalking DD she needs to be warned.
I bet dollars to dounuts that this OM would love to be able to brag that he banged the mom and the daughter.
The adults in the family, grand parents, BIL, SIL, b, s need to know to keep OM away from all.
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Some of you may remember the poster Pablo, from a few years back, whose OM specifically targeted his wife as a means to get to her young daughter...although in that case, his goal was a threesome, and the daughter was only 13. That father jumped through hoops to protect his daughter, and was successful, too--at least in part because of the advice and encouragement given here on MB.
tl
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The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur. here An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. What about exposure of an affair that took place years earlier and is now ended but recently revealed? I feel that the children, close relatives, close friends, and the lover’s spouse should be informed. Granted, it’s embarrassing to admit an affair, but publicly admitting failure is usually the first step toward redemption.
As you already know, I’m a strong advocate of honesty and openness in marriage. I call it transparency—letting your spouse know everything about you, especially your faults. But should that level of openness carry into the public arena? I believe that it should in cases of extreme irresponsibility, and that certainly includes infidelity. When you have done something very hurtful to someone else, others -- especially those who care for you the most -- should know about it. Such exposure helps prevent a recurrence of the offense. Your closest friends and relatives will be keeping an eye on you—holding you accountable. I wish Melody Lane knew enough about saving marriages that she wouldn't have to rely on quoting Doc H.  MY post was meant as a tease not an insult. ML's encyclopedia knowledge and her ability in the way she posts has always impressed me. ****************************************** Sorry, TheRoad....My mistake.. I put the edit back. How about a big  or  next time so I KNOW you're kiddin'???
Last edited by JustUss; 06/28/10 04:24 PM.
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Some of you may remember the poster Pablo, from a few years back, whose OM specifically targeted his wife as a means to get to her young daughter...although in that case, his goal was a threesome, and the daughter was only 13. That father jumped through hoops to protect his daughter, and was successful, too--at least in part because of the advice and encouragement given here on MB.
tl Oh lord...I remember that one. It gave me the creeps when he posted copies of emails. The OM fantasized about sleeping in the bed with BOTH of them and was explaining that if his hands strayed..it wasn't his fault.  It would be typical of him to pursue the daughter if he can't have the Mother. Wait... I think that was a Lifetime Movie.  (Anyone that gives in to the suicide threat is being emotionally blackmailed and I wouldn't play that game.) committed
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[
MY post was meant as a tease not an insult. ML's encyclopedia knowledge and her ability in the way she posts has always impressed me. I missed an insult??
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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