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One thing I did want to add....I hope you H is doing everything he can to help his DD through this. That would include helping her deal with her anger TOWARDS HIM. Not just for the A, but for the aftermath of it. This will help her the MOST. If he is not doing this, then he is leaving her with a legacy of his own doing....... Also, for YOU, I hope you are not using your DD as a "friend" though this. She does not need this burden. Keep in mind she is your child, not your BFF.....  Not H is talking to her about his deep regret as well as his sorrow for her, me and our family. He is giving her opportunities to express her anger toward him (without allowing her to be disrespectful). He has told her she can come to him anytime to discuss the A and its aftermath. If you have more suggestions about things he can be doing, they are welcome. I am discussing some of the above with my daughter, too, but she is definitely not my "go to" person to discuss my issues. I am here for her, and I ask her questions once in a while and I'm there when she needs a shoulder to cry on. I don't go to her when I need a shoulder to cry on ... that's my H's job. This is good....VERY GOOD.... I can't really think of anything else at the moment, but if I come up with anything I'll let you know. I'm trying to think of things that "may" have helped me at the time. Instead, I got denials, denials and more denials......so there was no where for me to go..... It really sounds like you and your H are doing everything the right way...... Not Thank you. I hope so. I can only imagine how a horrible situation would be made a zillion times worse for a child to hear only denials. I certainly hope S and BIL come clean with their kids today.
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@Delta, Thank you for starting this thread. This has been a useful thread for many, no doubt. I am certain it was painful for you, and I am sorry for your pain. The vigorous discussion with contrary opinions might seem confusing on the surface, but this is a good thing. It probably helps you work out a resolution for yourself. Take care. God Bless  You "done good". Thanks so much, Pepperband. It has been a good discussion, and I really appreciate everyone's responses. H and I read through them together and POJAed our decision on how to handle it. The creep he was during summer, 2001 is nowhere in sight. =)
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Second, there is actual application here for on-the-job behavior. When situations like this occur on the job, such as when there is something that the boss has asked an employee not to discuss (which happens quite often), and another employee or many employees begin asking about, your daughter learns that it is best to simply take the issue to the boss. H and I said this very thing to each other. Thanks again for your insight, SB. As always, it was most helpful to us.
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oh honestly, Stanley, knock it off. Ohhhhh, how I just love, love, love MelodyLane!
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I'm one of those children who found out about the affair as an adult.
My mother and I barely spoke for three years after I found out, because I exposed to my husband and Mom went nuts about it like she had a right to make me absorb her little secret and not feel any pain about it.
I gotta tell you it hurt beyond anything I've ever felt; I felt like I had been punched HARD center-mass; the hurt in my heart for her keeping the secret for decades, for my dad, the whole mess was beyond belief.
But do you know what hurt the worst about that whole ordeal? The fact that my mother had made me a part of that affair as a toddler. Then had spent the next several years trying to shut my memories up and make me think reality was fantasy. I'm so sorry for you, KaylaAndy!
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DDD, you have one amazing DD!
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{{{{{{Delta}}}}}, You did good!!!! Sometimes there just are no good answers to lifes situations.......  Not
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I'm one of those children who found out about the affair as an adult.
My mother and I barely spoke for three years after I found out.
I gotta tell you it hurt beyond anything I've ever felt;
But do you know what hurt the worst about that whole ordeal? The fact that my mother had made me a part of that affair as a toddler. Then had spent the next several years trying to shut my memories up and make me think reality was fantasy.
So while you protect your wife's secret, you lengthen the amount of time it takes for your CHILDREN to recover and they will NEVER recover their innocence.
Your children may never speak to either of you again. This has drug on so long now that you may have lost that part of "containment".
You choose. The longer you deny the inevitable, the bigger the penalties and interest you will pay. That is why I do not expose. I want to avoid the pain. Stan-ley, this is why my H did not expose. He wanted to "spare" me from this pain. He didn't. He made it worse, much worse. He lied to me for years. He didn't spare me from anything. Secrets always seem to have a way of being revealed. Our daughter is furious with her father that he lied to me for years. You are doing your kids a disservice, Stan-ley.
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That is why I do not expose. I want to avoid the pain. Again, let me repeat: The A is what caused the pain, not being honest about it. Hiding this dirty little secret only takes the control out of your hands and puts it into the hands of anyone else who also knows. They get to decide to 'out' the A. They may do so years later. How does that avoid the pain? All I see here is cowardice, Stanley. 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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DDD, I think you handled the situation beautifully. Your DD is amazing and pretty mature for a 14yo. Hopefully, DN's parents will come clean with her and she won't have to come back to you guys about it. I pray that DN and your DD can continue to be close, DN certainly needs the support.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I am a Roman Catholic, but I don't blindly follow what the Pope says. For example, I have no problems with birth control.
I agree with 99% of Marriage Builders including exposure when an affair must be stopped.
A poster above expressed severe pain many years after the fact. She also stopped talking to her mother for three years. At this stage our family does not need that.
My wife and I are now doing quite well and after six years past D-day we have reached a state of great happiness. My children probably had some concerns six years ago, but now this is not a pressing issue. Yes, they are righteous and opposed to infidelity at all times and my wife has to listen to them talk. Nevertheless, my wife's infidelity should remain in the past and it is not the right time to do an archeological excavation to spread the pain around.
This is all about avoiding intense pain for my children.
Regarding this thread:
If some of the cousins know and others don't and if they are constantly talking there may very well be a an accidental discovery. I just hope there is not a severe schism of the family as well as intense pain for the sake of exposure.
Stanley
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This is all about avoiding intense pain for my children. Stan, I can see that you are happy with the decision you have taken and that nothing said here will change your view. For all these years OM has maintained his hope that your wife will return to him. He is convinced of her love for him and he "knows" she is only with you because you have one last daughter still at home. Exposure is a card that he keeps in his pocket. He will use it when he thinks that it will bring your wife to him, or when he realises that your wife is staying with you despite all the children having flown. His persistence in maintaining contact for six years shows that he is quite capable of doing this because he is still obsessed with your wife. One day OM will expose, but I'm sure you've prepared for that.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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This is all about avoiding intense pain for my children.
Regarding this thread:
If some of the cousins know and others don't and if they are constantly talking there may very well be a an accidental discovery. That's the thing, she will find out. Eventually the cousins will talk and she will find out. Then the parent will have to explain why they lied all these years. I should stop reading your posts. They make me angry. I was lied to as a child until I was a teenager. It didn't have anything to do with an affair but it had to do with my real father. I found out from a family friend throuh a slip of the tongue. I was angry at my mother for years. She didn't tell me because she didn't want "to hurt me". I would not have been had she told me. I still sometimes remind her when she talks about honesty that she is not someone that should be talking about honesty. Your children will eventually find out. You deserve how they treat you because of the way you are treating them. What you're saying is that you know better than Dr. Harley.
Last edited by kilted_thrower; 06/28/10 09:36 AM.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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Stanley, this is more nonsense that you can't defend. You couldn't defend a policy of deciet on your own thread and you can't defend it here now. That is because it is indefensible.
The family has already been split by the adultery. More lies and deceit will not resolve that. It is lies and deceit and adultery that harm children.
Just as the lies in your family have allowed the OM to continue to involve himself in your family and see your wife and daughter at a family funeral. And be allowed to take them out to lunch just to protect the lie.
The lies did not bring you peace, Stan. They brought you a horror where you protect the OM and sit silently and do nothing while he takes your own daughter out to lunch and communicates with her on the internet.
That is a cowards way out, Stan.
Why not take your agenda back to your own thread, Stan? Lies and deceit is not a Marriage Builders concept. It is your own. It doesn't belong here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This is all about avoiding intense pain for my children. This is a lie. The OM took your own DD to lunch and was stalking her on the internet. He attended a family funeral and was allowed to engage with your wife and DD. Your DD still doesn't know he is her mothers OM. So, I don't believe you when you say you want to protect your children from anything. YOU HAVEN'T. Your actions do not match your words. What does match is that are you scared of your wife's wrath and are willing to sacrifice your children on that alter. Why don't you ask your wife to tell them, Stan?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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(Stan) WHAT!!! YOU ARE LETTING THE OM HANG OUT WITH YOUR CHILD????
YOU ARE CRAZY!!
Last edited by SapphireReturns; 06/28/10 09:47 AM.
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DD got a text from her C this morning.
"i know now. i'll pick you up."
Not sure what she knows. Doesn't matter. Now the girls can talk and share and hurt and support one another.
I will prepare DD that C may be defensive about her mom and that the very last thing either of them need now is for there to be angst between either of them. I really, really doubt that will happen, but who knows what my niece has been told?
Please pray for/send warm fuzzies to these girls ... that their precious friendship is sustained and even strengthened through this.
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Here's the BIG LIE Stan-lie tells himself.
If his daughters discover their mother is imperfect, this will cause them immense pain and ruin forever their respect for her. Their relationship will never recover.
It's a LOAD of ..................
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Here's the BIG LIE Stan-lie tells himself.
If his daughters discover their mother is imperfect, this will cause them immense pain and ruin forever their respect for her. Their relationship will never recover.
It's a LOAD of .................. AGREE!!
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DD got a text from her C this morning.
"i know now. i'll pick you up."
Not sure what she knows. Doesn't matter. Now the girls can talk and share and hurt and support one another.
I will prepare DD that C may be defensive about her mom and that the very last thing either of them need now is for there to be angst between either of them. I really, really doubt that will happen, but who knows what my niece has been told?
Please pray for/send warm fuzzies to these girls ... that their precious friendship is sustained and even strengthened through this. Hope all goes well for ya delta! I'm glad that her cousin now knows 
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