I hope this isn�t too long for a first post, but here goes...

My H and I started dating 10 years ago and have been married for 5 years. We have 2 beautiful kids DS age 6 and DD age 3. Two years ago I started talking to a male friend on FB that I had dated a few times around 8 years ago (at a time when H and I had decided to not see each other). It developed into an EA pretty quickly. Our marriage had been severely lacking in conversation, affection, SF, we were really just co-existing. A few months into emailing the OM it became a PA when we met up in our hometown for a drink and to catchup.

I have been wandering through the fog for two years since and coming and going from my H. After the first 6 months, I moved out of the marital home to live with my parents but returned 6 months later. I stayed for 6 months at home again, still keeping in contact with OM and I ended up getting pregnant to OM. I booked a termination straight away and had to wait out the eight weeks hiding my tiredness and nausea from my H. After the procedure I felt compelled to get out of the marital home again because I was stressed from keeping up the double life. So I moved back out again but by myself this time.

Throughout the two years, my H did the best he could to try and jolt me out of the fog. I told him about the EA pretty early on but I continued to deny the PA throughout. I justified myself to him that he had neglected me and that I was entitled to befriend people (OM) to fulfil my needs for attention. He responded with fairly consistent attacks on me (yes, deserved) and occasional periods of trying to win me back by doing something nice for me. Unfortunately, all I really saw through the fog was the barrage of negativity.

When I moved out at the beginning of this year, the A was starting to die a natural death. Faced with realities instead of fantasies I could see the A was riddled with issues that hadn�t seemed apparent before. Trust being a huge one (yeah, duh!). It finally hit home when my H told me that he was done waiting and that he was getting to know someone else with a view to moving on. At the same time, I had to leave the house I was renting as it got sold and I had great difficulty finding a new one. My H said I could move back home temporarily while I found somewhere new to live.

I started thinking about whether I should come clean about the A. I was having less and less contact with OM because we were constantly fighting, and I was scared at the thought of H moving on. He had now told me they were now dating. After I moved back in, one day H started up an intimate conversation with me, which eventually ended with him asking if we could make love the following night when we came back from the family concert we were taking the kids to. I knew it was wrong given his new relationship, but I wanted to so much that I went along with it.

The next day he confronted me and said �I know now that you have been sleeping with OM because you were so different when we made love last night�. And I blurted out �Yes, I did�. But quickly reverted back to lying and told him it had only been since Christmas. His response seemed like a very strange reaction but he said he needed to make love to me right there and then otherwise he would feel like he had lost me forever. I didn�t want him to think that, so we did. We had some short awkward conversations about the A after, but I was too scared to tell him the full story.

But the next day, I decided that I would, it was time that he knew. I emailed him and told him that I needed to sit down and tell him everything. That night I told him the whole truth about how long it had gone on and about the pregnancy and termination. He was a lot more devastated this time but his reaction was that he thought he could probably get past it but he wasn�t sure how. After talking very late we went to bed together again and made love again.

At this point (so around a month ago), I gave him the passwords to all my online accounts - email accounts, Facebook, banking; Offered my cellphones for him to go through; Changed back to my married name on Facebook and my email address (I had been using my maiden name again); Started wearing my wedding rings again' Blocked OM emails and FB account; Removed from FB friends anyone I had met through OM; Asked H to be FB friends again...everything I could think of to make my life an open book to him. OM emailed me a week later to find out whether I was back together with H and H intercepted it as he was in my email account and told me. I told him to delete but H asked if he could reply and I agreed. H sent him an email (as me) telling him that I was deeply regretful about what I had done and although H and I weren�t back together yet I was going to do my best to work on myself to make that happen and OM needed to not contact me ever again because it was over. Everything an end-of-affair letter should say really! I told my H that I would do what it took to earn back his love and fix our marriage.

But there was the issue of his new GF...

What happened since on his side of things...

My H�s relationship with his GF has been playing out a bit like an A. He has had difficulty being honest about it. At the start when he told me he was �getting to know someone else�, that was quite an understatement. Truth was at that point they were 2 months into an exclusive sexual relationship. But he didn�t want to scare me off from coming back to him.

During the days where we first slept together, and I confessed first the short version then the full version, H was going back and forth between sleeping at home and his GF�s place. After my full confession, he said he would do the right thing by his GF now that he had cheated on her with me and tell her the truth as well. But twice he told me that he had confessed to her the truth and he was still being dishonest about it. He did tell her the relationship was over about a week after my confession, but never told her why or what he had done. He kept telling me that we had a future, we would work our marriage out but he just needed to be careful about GF because of them working together. We started doing as much couple and family stuff as we could to try and get things going again and he assured me he had cut all personal contact. But I picked up his phone one day when I was at his place just as she texted him telling him that she missed him and she wanted to see him to talk some more. I also found naked pictures of her hidden in his phone.

My H when confronted admitted there was still some contact but turned on me and told me that I had been manipulative, controlling and had forced my way back into his life when he wasn�t ready for me. He told me he still had feelings for her and was not ready to let her go yet. He still maintained that there was no real future with her and there was a future with me, but he still wanted that happy feeling he had had with her in the meantime. He wanted to be able to decide between short-term fulfilment with her or hard work repairing our marriage with me.

I however, was too angry to let this go on. I didn�t want to be kept on the hook and felt that she didn�t deserve to either given his behaviour toward her that she didn�t know about. So I decided to expose him by emailing her with the full story of our encounters, his lies and what he�d been saying about using her. Needless to say, she blew up at him. She threatened him with walking out of her job and leaving him to pick up the pieces and explain to his bosses. And H was obviously furious at me for interfering and exposing him.

Where to now?...

So here I am now and I�m not sure what to do next. I still want my husband back and I want us to recover from this with a much better marriage than we ever had. He is now repeating back to me the same things that I said in the A: We were never happy, never in love, our problems are insurmountable, I don�t think I can forgive you, I had happiness with OP that I never had with you. I know that really I deserve this, but it hurts all the same. I also know that he is hurting deeply too because of what I have done to him.

I am trying to understand what he wants at this point but he doesn�t know. He tells me that all he wants is SF from me and to otherwise leave him alone. He says there is no trace of relationship left with his GF after what I did and that she now hates him. But he tells me he is not prepared to work on the marriage at this stage and he wants me to leave him alone to figure out what he wants.

So...should I do that and leave him well alone? Or do I go along with the nothing but SF idea? (At least I�d have the chance to meet one of his top ENs). Or do I try and push for more contact? At the risk of further aggravating him?

I want to do what will give us the best chance of sorting this out, but I�m pretty confused! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

He is repeating he same tin to you that you said to him during your AFFAIR, because sweetie, HE IS IN AN AFFAIR. You two are still married and this is precisely why you don't "date" while married. That is called an AFFAIR, PLAIN AND SIMPLE. He should have divorced you and then "moved on."

So where do you go from here? You treat this like anyone else who has come here as a BS to recover from an affair. You need to read all of the info on this site and you need to Plan A and then Plan B if he will not end his affair. Don't let him blame you for his affair. He made that decision on his own.

Has your affair been exposed to everyone? You are going to be exposing your WH's affair and you will need to expose your own if it hasn't been done already.

So, read, read and learn. Plan A him and prepare for Plan B. You CAN recover your marriage. Your WH will have to quit his job and have NC with his OW. He is a typical cake-eater(he wants you and OW). That is good because MB works well on cake-eaters. It is lower during the nighttime hours in NA, ut there will be others along to help as well.

Here is a thread to help you along. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240 ask any questions you may have.

Sorry you are here. Welcome to MB.

Thanks for the reply and welcome

You are right, he is in an affair. I guess I have been reluctant to label it as such or identify myself as a BS because of my own actions.

My affair has been exposed to my family and close friends, I told them myself after I told H. I apologised to my family who I had lied to in order to sustain the A. I also apologised to my friends who I asked to lie on my behalf during the A. H asked me not to tell his family because he did not want to deal with feeling like an idiot for having let it go on for so long, so I haven�t told them.

When I exposed his lies to his OW, he had to quickly tell his bosses at work about the situation because she was threatening all kinds of payback at work. I have told all my friends and family about his A but again, have left his side alone. His friends & family all knew about the new relationship and were happy for him that he seemed to be happy again. However, in saying that they would be surprised to know how dishonest he has been with both her and me...Yes, I should really tell them about both As and hope they will try and exert some influence on him.

You�re right, I need to Plan A him. I have been reading SAA and HNHN but I have been having a bit of trouble working out which side of the equation I am on! I have given them to him to read too and asked him to fill out the EN questionnaire, but he hasn�t so far. I think I will have to work out his ENs myself as a best guess and go with that.

Thanks for your help

You need to plan A BH/WH.

You need, no you must now expose his affair. Both families need to know about both affairs.

OW is she married? BF? OW parents. OW needs to be exposed.

Also you both have to stop SF until you both get tested for STD's. You have had unprotected sex. H most likely too.

Just double checking my math here....

You were 16 and WH was 25 when you started dating??

*edit*

*edit*

Attack her for what she is doing not what she did. You want to rant rant at your WS.

Help this poster with MB principles or refrain from posting.

Hi CherryAnn,

Welcome to MB, sorry you have to be here.
I am assuming that the NZ on your Loc means your a fellow Kiwi, so double welcomes There is another kiwi - Jen, she is also a FWW and knows your side of the A.

Excellent work reading SAA and HNHN. Dont worry too much about what side of the equation your on right now. When and if your H wants to know more about your A and what not, be completely open and honest (O&H), otherwise just work o your end of the M. You say you have given over all password, block OM, gone EN.. I suppose you could write some EP's for when your H is willing to engage in the M again.

So yes, plan A. Have you worked out what his top EN's are? and what your LB's are? At a guess one might be the long term dishonesty required for you to have an A for 2 years. This means you need to be so very, very honest with him now, but without forcing an intimacy on him that as a wayward he is not interested in.

Have you read the carrot and the stick post of Pepperbands? It is a good kick off point, in conjunction with filling whatever EN's he will allow you to fill right now.

Dont be afraid to ask question, and read as many threads and articles as you can stand, often you will find things that had never occurred to you to ask

My family already know about both affairs. But his family don�t, so I am going to expose to his friends and family.

OW is single, no husband or BF. To be honest, I�m a bit reluctant to pursue her side any further. She got into the relationship with H on the understanding that they were both unattached and that he was exclusive with her. She was very cut when I emailed her to tell her that he had been lying to her and cheating on her (with me). She was absolutely furious at H. She was previously married for 9 years and divorced her husband because he slept around on her. Because of the work situation, most people at their work know that my H was sleeping with both her and me and lying about it so there has already been exposure there. I am not sure how I would contact her family if I was going to and I�m not sure it would serve much benefit in this situation?

I believe H when he tells me that OW absolutely hates him and avoids him at work. She took three days off after I told her what he had been doing, and is now trying to decide whether she is going can handle working with him. I am hoping she will resign, but if not, he will have to quit if we are going to sort things out. For me, the OM is 6 hours drive away so NC is a bit easier.

I feel that H is mostly just holding onto OW as a weapon against me. He knows that not being open with me together with seeing her at work is hurting me and I think that's mostly why he's doing it.

Yes, that�s right I was 16. We were pretty solid for the first 18 months then we were on-off for the following year or so. During an �on� period, I fell pregnant with DS. We made the decision together then that we were going to commit to each other properly and be a family and we got married when DS was 18 months old.

Hi lildoggie, great to hear from a fellow Kiwi

Yes, I am starting to put together a plan for Plan A including targeting his top ENs and eliminating my top LBs. I know SF and conversation are quite high for his ENs, and dishonesty and anger are some of my LBs. I have set a target of 6 weeks of Plan A for myself. I kept reading 6 months as a timeframe for Plan A elsewhere on the site, which sounded like a daunting task! But I now I�ve seen on the link Scotland posted that its actually 3-4 weeks for women, I think I can be a bit stronger and go a little longer. (I have a bit more to make up for, after all)

Plan A got off to good start last night. I apologised for my angry outbursts the day before yesterday and asked if we could spend the evening together watching a movie. I promised no relationship talk or questioning. He was a little reluctant initially, but agreed. I stuck to my word and we watched a movie together and then talked for a couple of hours on general topics. I asked him how work was and he talked about nearly everyone at his work (I have worked there twice on my summer breaks so I know most of his workmates) but he very carefully didn�t mention OW. May have been a test to see if I would ask, but I didn�t bite. He didn�t initiate anything physical so I left it at that.

I am planning for exposure to his family and friends. Nearly all of them live out of town so will email them. Just found a link to exposure letters for some ideas of how to word it. Hope the fallout from him doesn�t last too long after I send it...

Well have you sent the emails?

Yup. Have just sent the following to his mum, sister, 4 of his close friends, my mum and sister as well (just to keep them on the same page as they already know):

"I am writing to you as you are H�s friends and family and because I hope that you will help H and I in this difficult time. As you know, H and I have had a rough couple of years in our marriage. About a month ago, I confessed to H that I had been having an affair with another man. I am deeply ashamed of what I did and the hurt that I have caused my family. I have stopped this affair completely now and cut all contact with the other person. I am now doing everything I can to make up for my despicable actions and repair our marriage and family.

However, since my confession I have discovered that H has been having an affair with a woman at his work. He told me that he had the same hopes for us repairing our marriage when I confessed and asked for his forgiveness. But he had trouble being honest and he continued his intimate relationship with her even after he had told me it had stopped. I want for him to stop his affair because I love him and want our marriage to be restored. Our marriage CAN recover from these affairs, and I can forgive him and work on the problems and issues we have, but we can't until he completely rids our lives of his affair partner. We had a strong relationship when we started off our family, but I now recognize that we need to do a lot of work on it. Please do what you can to discourage this infidelity - please help me and our children to maintain an intact family. Please encourage H to come back and work on our marriage."

I have to say, stomach is feeling a little queasy anticipating H's reaction...but its for the best!!

cherryann

Glad you exposed. Now let time do its work while you plan A BH/WH.

Your H will probably be angry and make statement like "I was going to work on it until you..."
"I will never trust you again"
"your hurting everyone else with this"
"its nobodies business"

and a myriad of others. Its not nice sorry, BUT they ALL do it. I have not actually personally heard of an active wayward being happy about exposure. In almost every single case however, they are over it in a day or two.

Just keep repeating some variation on "I am fighting for my marriage/I am fighting for my family/ I know we can fix this"