Geez, I need to go NC with my Mom. Her wayturd fog-babble is ridiculous. She again stated that she didn't have SF with THING before she walked out on my Dad so Bampot is so much worse than she is. Then she said again that it isn't WF's fault and she isn't to blame at all because Bampot is the one who left. And what reason did Bampot start his affair with WF? He had NO REASON to start his affair. He is an AWFUL person for leaving me when I have young children. At least she didn't do anything when we were young. BLAH BLAH BLAH. The best was when I said, "I can't believe that you don't see how much you have hurt OUR relationship." She said, "I NEVER HURT YOU." I said, "Yes you did. It's sad that you don't realize it. You hurt me by your actions and what you keep saying to justify your affair." Then my Dad was coming downstairs and she said we could talk about it later.

Oh I almost forgot. I said that Bampot had an affair for the same reason she did, they had weak boundaries and CHOSE to have na affair. She said, "You are reading books from only ONE doctor. He doesn't know what he is talking about." Then she told me about how the psychologist she was seeing told her that it was sad about the things going on with me. Really?? Why were they talking about MY problems without ME? ARGH WAyturds

HAPPY CANADA DAY.

On the Bampot front, I am starting to have stinkin thinkin. I wonder if my Plan A wasn't long enough or effective enough. Did I not do enough and that's why it didn't work? I know I need to not have these thoughts but they are there. MOST affairs end within 6 months of being exposed. Well, apparently, WF and Bampot have beat the odds. If we get to the 2 year mark, will that really mean they are better together? Oh I hate my thoughts. I miss my DH. Bampot isn't worth a grain of salt. I don't think I threw enough pebbles and now I feel a bit hopeless. It is a horrible feeling to crawl into my head like that. Just have to get it out there. I am having a HORRIBLE day for no particular reason than my stupid head.

Now off to Canada Day celebrations and then off to the big city of TORONTO to celebrate my grandma's 87th birthday.

Spending the day with my MOM isn't going to be GREAT but at least I will be with my kids too.

Sometimes I wonder if some waywards ever "get it". Maybe some take a lot longer or they just are so good at repressing guilt that they never do....and in talking to your mother you are getting firsthand how waywards think.

Scotty, no more stinking thinking....hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20....You did the best you could do at the time...

I miss my WH too, its like a death in that our H died and right now they are WH. WH looks a lot like our old H, but they are not. All we can hope for is that deep down inside there is still H and he will come back. We both know that GOd is on our side and working in our WH heart.

Have a great day with your children...and Happy Birthday to your grandma....

Scotty, try to stop the negative thinking as soon as it starts. Offer yourself a (sugar free) cookie when your thinking starts to get wayward. You did the best you could and you found MB! Think how bad things would be if you were "going along" with Bampots A and his justifications for it. Think how sick your kids would be with all the confusion of mom "accepting" blame and the A. Dr. H says plan A does not work on all affairs but your best shot is plan A along with exposure and then plan B.

Whatever the outcome YOU are a better YOU for all the changes you have made.

Hey scotty, just hang in there.

It might take him longer because he is so stubborn but if hes honest with himself he will eventually see the light. If not you went the distance.

To bad Mom is doin the phycobabble

Well, I had an okay day yesterday after I wrote that pos. I know what got me into that place. First, on Wednesday morning I had a dream where Bampot said, "I am trying to break up with OW. I just don't know how." That was at 5am and it stuck with me all day. Then Canada Day celebrations. Last year, we went to those celebrations with my Mom and her "thing." Horrible memories. Then, I hadn't seen my grandma since Bampot left. I only talked to her once too and that was last month. I couldn't because I knew how much she would hurt over this. She knew. My sister told her because I simply couldn't. Well, yesterday, she did talk to me and I cried. While I was crying, DS10 walked up to my grandma and said, "Don't make my mom cry. She has cried enough already." What an AMAZING thing for him to say.

I rode in the car with my dad and kiddos and my Mom was with my sister. It takes 1.5 hours each way so there was some time to talk, while the kids were sleeping. I told my Dad that my Mom and I fought yesterday morning. Then he said something that I thought was PERFECT. He said, "She treats her time living with THING like she went away on vacation. She just doesn't get it." I think that was a perfect way to explain it.

Today is a new day and I am determined to make it a better day.

Scotty,

Your wayward mom (WM) stories have hit me hard.
I miss my Mom and MIL so very much.

I appreciate their good character traits long after they have left this life.
I feel so blessed.

I wish your mom had more wisdom, more to offer her children and her husband.

I am reading your thread with new perspective.

You are one hell'of'a woman.

Scotty, I'm curious about where you got this statistic. I always thought that Dr. H said most of the time Plan A does NOT end the affair and that it's possible it could take 2 years or longer in Plan B. Just curious where you read that.

I agree, stop the stinkin thinkin. I wonder if being around your mom triggers a lot of that for you. I know she's your mom and that you love her, but maybe you should step away a bit from her, at least while you're going through this?

(((Scotty)))

Thanx Pep. I hope to leave better memories for my children when I am gone. That is one of my goals in life. So much so that every time we see a white butterfly(okay it is a cabbage moth, but REALLY white butterfly sounds so much better) I have a tradition that I say, "White butterfly, Mommy loves you." That way, when I am gone, they will see these white butterflies and KNOW that I love them.

I am going to have to go on the hunt now and find where I saw that stat PM. I KNOW that Plan A doesn't work in the majority of cases but I remember reading something about that the majority of affairs end within 2 years of exposure and the majority of those end within 6 months. I will hunt and scour the words.

I also agree that dealing with my Mom sends my head into a tailspin. I am just trying to make it about my kiddos and that's IT. She can stop trying to justify herself to me because I KNOW there is NO JUSTIFICATION for what she did. I just hope that someday she will see that too. I sometimes look at it like a practice for Bampot's homecoming(if that happens) and I try to deal with it the best I can. I also see what would happen if you tried recovery without a clear PLAN. I am so GLAD I found this place.

Ditto

You are very blessed, Pep. You know my situation with my mom and MIL. I thank God for MB. I thank God for second chances to BE the better mom and better example for my kids than what I started out as. I am thank God for bringing people like you into my life.

@Faithy

@Scotty .... Buy a small lighthouse and put it on your porch.

T/j
{{{{{Pep}}}}},

Well now we know where all that wisdom comes from. They blessed you, you bless us!....

No one on here asks those though provoking questions like you......thank you

{{{{{Faith}}}}}

You are a story of strength and character. I'm reading your story right now (saw someone else reading it and thought I'd take a gander......). It's amazing to me how many women think motherhood is a given right instead of a responsibility. And a blessing.......

t/j over

{{{{{{Scottie}}}}}}},

Plan B' ing your mom is an idea to entertain, though I do suggest at least limiting your contact for now. You KNOW I'm in Plan B with my mom, though it's not due to an active affair and its for many different reasons, I will say my life has been much calmer and peaceful for it. It's a sad truth, but a truth none-the-less.

When you do interact with her, try not to argue you're different situations. You know the rule around here.....talking with a wayward can be crazy-making......

Just state your truths and change the subject. Offer her the tater chip.....

Now as far as her "I'm-not-as-bad-as-Bampot"...... ALL wayward say that. I think it's because they look at others situation in horror and have a hard time reconcilliating that with themselves. It's not easy to admit you've been a terrible person. My sister said the same thing regarding H, citing all the silly reasonings why, and H said the same thing regarding sis. We BS's KNOW better. Infidelity is bad no matter what........hopefully one day mom's fog will clear and when it does it won't be pretty.

Until then, yep, this is a practice run.........

{{{{{{{Scottie}}}}}}}}}

Not

Ps......your Plan A was great!!!!! Stop doubting......

Thank you, not! Good luck with the reading. I think I am scattered all over these boards, lol.

Scotty,

not is right. You need to really limit your convos with WM for your own sanity.

BTW, I forgot to say "right on" to your dad. He is one smart man.

LINK

@Scotty (and any other Plan B'er)

I did not want you to miss this one.

Well, I was telling myself that I couldn't post on my own thread until I found the reference I was looking for. I have read so much on this site, that I honestly can not remember. I think it was in a thread where others were discussing affairages. I wish I could remember it. I know other people must have seen it too because I remember people commenting on the fact that 6 months out if an affair is still going on, it's because they are driving themselves into a wall. BELIEVE ME. I DID NOT think that this Plan B would be over in 6 months. I had a little hope, sure. But I was pretty sure this would be going on for another year at least. I don't think about it much, the end of the affair that is, but I do prepare for the start of recovery. I don't want to be unprepared and set the bar too low.

Now, I have to get back to reading the threads that I have been reading while looking for the source of my intel . Pep bumped a thread that I am caught up in and I still have Queenie's thread on the go as well as the one Pep linked. I think I have a problem.

Kinda weird reading the renter/buyer/freeloader thread and realizing that part of the intent of Plan B is to change a faithful buyer into a renter. EEEKS. I will read on, and LEARN.

I read through some older threads and I realized a few things about myself. I read through Pep's thread about Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1508780&page=1

I realized that to do a TRUE Plan B, I need to become a renter in my marriage. There really isn't a marriage right now. I don't know what I am holding on to. I won't take off my wedding ring. It makes my stomach turn just to think about doing it. I start crying thinking about it. The last person to place the ring on my finger was my DH.

I don't like it when people call Bampot my "ex." I am still married. How do I do it? How do I let go? I don't mean that I am going to give up on ever getting marital recovery. I am not there yet. I just mean, I need to "Let go, and let GOD."

I don't feel like I am faking my Plan B, just that I haven't gotten to the full extent yet. I guess I have to be willing to never have Bampot in my life anymore. ARGH.

Pep, thanx but why you gotta do this? HEHEHEHEHE.

I gotta stop feeling sorry for myself. I have to continue to make improvements in myself. I KNOW I am worth it. I KNOW I will be okay.

WOW. I am sitting here thinking about taking off my wedding ring, tears are streaming down my face. I can't do it. It is such a HUGE part of who I AM. Who I always wanted to be. Is that the problem? Is it tied to tightly into me that I can't see past it? I don't know if I will ever get there. After Bampot took off his ring(DH always said that that was a HUGE symbol and he would NEVER take it off, HA, NEVER SAY NEVER), all I thought about was how he would put it back on. He carried it in his pocket for a week after he took it off. What would it take for him to wear it again? If I take mine off, when would I wear it again? Would I ever? ARGH. I guess this is a day for working on my emotions for me.

I'm sorry I made you cry.


The rings are so symbolic.
I made H take his off.
The next day he put it back on.
I was NOT the boss of him!
LOL
I took mine off about 2 weeks later and put it in the ash tray of my car.
Also symbolic.
Ashes.
As in .... Phoenix rising from the ashes.
I can't exactly remember when or why I put it back on.
But I do remember I felt tons better NOT wearing mine.

Our kids were young at the time and it bugged them that my ring was off my finger.

I took it off. I am going to take a shower, cry some more and go to bed. It's off to work for me tomorrow morning. I am NOT giving up on a marital recovery but I don't have a marriage right now so why have the symbol? It's going in the safe place where I have Bampot's ring. It may stay there forever. A symbol of an important time in my life. A chapter has ended. Only a chapter though. Now on to the next one. I CAN do this. Thank you all.

Pop quiz time.........

What message does Plan B send Bampot?

What message does Plan B send YOU?

Not

Scotty,
I decided to read part of your thread after the help you are giving me. You are amazing, that after all you are going through, you are here giving help and support to others. I feel bad for you, but happy for you because your trials have made you an amazing person. I know I'm too new here to carry any weight, but you deserve a huge pat on the back for your progress and giving back to this site. Thank you.