I haven't been around lately. I needed a break. Much of my story was lost last year during a MB computer crash and I am grateful for that. Last year was rough. A lot has happened since I have been around here. I have moved to a great house in the hills near the beach in Central California. I have a new job. I became a grandmother. I am feeling more hopeful and less helpless. I am seeing a nice man. We met at work when I first returned to California in September. We were just friends for months. We started dating in February. He has been a BS and knows what I have been through. He is 4 years younger, handsome, athletic, and fun to be around. We have fun together. He is also patient with me.

I still have my ups and downs. This week I have been feeling stuck. I am still working on deleting my ex from my heart and mind. I started by burning all the cards and letters that I had kept from our marriage. I have gotten rid of all pictures of him. I have been purging files. No more saved emails, text messages, etc. No more pictures on my computer of OW with her family. UGH! No more minefields waiting for me in my home.

A couple of months ago, my ex called and said that he would be in town for a family wedding. He wanted to "swing by" (hundreds of miles out of his way) to see me. At first, I didn't tell him no. I was secretly happy at the thought of seeing him because I was remembering the good things that we had shared. I was not thinking about the bad times. However, as the days and weeks went by, the thought of seeing my ex made me more and more uneasy. I am dating a perfectly lovely man that is sweet and caring towards me. My ex hurt me more than anything. I don't want him back. I don't want a few days of walking down memory lane. I can't be his "friend". It just didn't seem right. Last month, I told him that I couldn't see him or be his friend. I told him that it just wasn't possible. I told him that I was seeing someone and that it just wouldn't be appropriate. I asked him to stop calling and texting me and to leave me alone. He has respected my wishes. My new boyfriend knows everything. He has been very supportive.

It will be a year since my husband told me that he wanted a divorce on 7/3. We separated on 9/5. Divorce was final 11/4/09. Everything has changed.

I wonder what the next year will hold?

SS2 this all sounds like great news.

I am sure the deleting part is hard to deal with though.

But is seems like you are thinking the right thoughts about it all.

And i agree with you, i would not give your ex the satisfaction of seeing you anyway.

Let him wonder about what he left behind, it is him who lost out.

Just keep plugging along, i know how proud i was of you when you were posting before and i know you can get through this too.

Hey SS2

I am sure this next year will see you standing taller and taller, with that incredible grace and dignity that you show, as you leave the D behind

I wish you billions of happiness and it is lovely to see you back posting.

I hope you find your answers.

ST and SC, thank you. You give me too much credit. I still have my moments wondering if I made the right choices or am doing the right things. I wonder why the ex wanted to see me. I miss a lot about him sometimes...

Then, I have to remind myself to snap out of it! I have to remind myself that no matter how much I loved him, he didn't want to stay married. He wanted to be single. He left. He has never asked me to come back to him. He has never asked me to take him back. At the most, he misses me as a friend or lover only. He doesn't want me as a wife.

I also have to own my part in the divorce. I stayed with him when I knew that he was lying to me. I lived the lies with him hoping they would go away on their own. Had I done a plan A and B 1-2 years earlier, maybe I would be happily married right now? Maybe he always cheated? I will never know.

I do know that I did everything that I was capable of doing to save my marriage. I didn't do everything right. I did the best that I could. I still love him. If he were in trouble, I would help him. But now, I love me too. And, I can't be married to him ever again. I can't be his friend because I deserve better friends. I deserve friends that have my back and can be trusted.

So nice to see you again SS2. I've thought of you often and wondered how you were doing.

You are doing the right things...I had to do those things too. He had his email set up (when we were married) to send a copy to me so I could notify him when something important came in (he drove truck and wasn't around a computer)...so I changed his email not to forward to mine anymore and told him to change his passwords. I returned all mail that came to my house for him (he never furnished a forwarding address) for months, now I just throw it away. (I figure after over 1 1/2 years, they should have got the picture by now.) He never picked up the rest of his stuff that I paid someone to pack up and put into storage (since I couldn't do it at the time), well I finally went through it and sent part to Goodwill and part to the dump. I mailed his important papers/awards/pictures to his mom to give to him. I deleted him from my telephones. I got rid of things that reminded me of him, things he gave me (which wasn't much), wedding pictures, etc. It all helped to extricate him from my life and rid myself of reminders.
It feels good to enter a new healthier chapter of life!
Good luck with you and your new beau!

I couldn't get rid of everything at first. It was time though. Things have slowly gotten better. I still have sadness when I spend too much time focusing on the past. I'm trying to learn from my mistakes. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. For me, I have to take my time and keep my eyes open the next time around. I will not be burying my head in the sand if something seems off. I will also be more aware of the care that a relationship requires to remain healthy. I hope that I will be a better person because of this whole experience. It is time to work on the present and my new future. It does take time and that is okay. Lots of great things have happened along the way. I guess that is just life -if you're lucky.

I read an interesting article about letting go today. It really hit home. This is us.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5035b_qa.html

We have a strong attraction when we are apart but are repulsed when we are together. My ex called me on Thursday and I spoke with him for the first time in a month. The call filled a need that I must not allow my ex to satisfy anymore. There was no business reason for the call. It does me no good to entertain these calls. It does not help me move forward to hear that he loves and misses me but needs time to be single and wants to learn how to take care of himself. I have to stop being his crutch. I cannot and will not be his friend.


So, I have deleted my ex-husband's phone number from my phone. I am getting a new phone this week - with a new number (I know- again. The last time I broke down and called him in a moment of loneliness - several months ago). According to the article, I need 6 months to 2 years of no contact with my ex to get over him. That is what I have to do. Last week, I removed the triggers (pictures, letters, cards). His car (where so many d-days occurred) has finally left this weekend. We gave it to my son and I have been keeping it for him while he was away at school. It is finally gone! I need to prevent him from contacting me and I need to refrain from contacting him. I have come a long way. I can do this.

YAY! Yes you can do it! When I broke up with a boyfriend who was bad for me it took a couple years to fully get over him, he was like a bad addiction. How much harder it must be for you who were married and had a family with this man.

You are getting over him now though!!! YAY!

He is toxic and bad for your precious spirit. And you know it now! Good going !

Thank you Bubbles4U. Not going to dwell on the past today.

It is a gorgeous day. Have plans to run on the beach this afternoon with my new guy friend. Working from home today so going to get some chores done also. Have a nice dinner planned. Am planning to enjoy myself!

SS2 yes everything you said is true and i am sorry to hear that you have struggled so hard with this, i remember how hard it was when the 2 of you were still living together.

Just keep remembering all the hell he put you through and all the pain he caused you and the SS2 you have become now and hopefully that will be enough for you to never pick up that phone and call him again ........

It sounds like you are better though so just keep chugging along !!!!

SC

This is where seething hatred helped me the most.

I STILL don't miss that soul sucking harpy cnut.

Thanks SC. I didn't call him! He called me - but I know that doesn't matter. I answered. I'm picking up my new phone Thursday (with my new number). I haven't seen the ex in almost 10 months. The divorce has been final for almost 8 months. Things are much better. I think I was just feeling some growing pains.

That must be what is missing! I had moments of seething hatred but I could never make them last. Lol.

I don't want to ever live that way again. I'm good. Really.

I think you are right and i think that maybe it is a good sign that you can come back here too, i know that was also tough on you for a little while!

I am glad you are back even if it is just for a few posts here and there, it is good to read you LOL again !!!

SC

Spent the morning in the garden. As I was pulling weeds I was reminded how much life can be like a flower garden. You can't let weeds take over. You have to have the right amount of sunlight, water and room to grow. You also have to keep people from walking all over you and trampling you. My time in the yard is therapeutic. My garden is a beautiful place today. I'm happy too.

I'm mopping floors and listening to soft-rock love song-type stuff in the background. I'm singing along and not feeling one bit sad. I'm really starting to feel like myself again. My house is really clean too.

come clean mine?