Hello everyone. I have been lurking on here for over 2 months and have really been enjoying all of the knowledge. Now for my question and the back story. My wife and I just got married this year but have been together for 6 years prior to this. We have read HNHN once and are reading it for our second time right now. We also have LB and are planning on reading it after we finish with read 2 of HNHN. So far as I know there have been no affairs and I want to keep it that way.
One thing that always stood out to me is the affection need of women and how incompatible it is to me. My parents divorced when I was 6 and I lived with my dad. He was affectionate but even then I didn't like affection and he was often confused by that. Let me reiterate that, I have never been big on affection of any kind from anyone even at that early age. I hate, and I mean hate, I absolutely loath the obligatory hugs that I am supposed to give to my wife�s female friends. I also can not stand hugging all of my relatives at family gatherings. I don�t hug my brothers (hand shakes are fine) and I do not care to hug my mother even though she insists on it. I have no problem with hand shakes or communal sharing, when necessary (I was in the army for 6 years) but I can not stand obligatory affection. So of course this means when I do show my wife affection it almost always relates to sex, and of course she doesn�t understand this at all. Her family is a very affectionate one as well and both her parents not only hug her but kiss her as well. Please help. I have not seen a topic even close to this and I would love any kind of feedback I can get.

If my question was rude or out of place, or if I have somehow violated the forum's ettiquitte please let me know.

Welcome, Bodichi! Sorry no one replied initially--you might want to ask the moderators to move your thread to the Marriage Builders 101 category where you'll get more responses.

Ok, i'm from a very physically reserved family as well, and let me point out a few things: your wife's emotional need for affection applies to HER, not her extended family. even if they're indiscriminately huggy-kissy and you're more of a handshake kind of guy, you're not failing to meet her emotional needs by not being affectionate enough to OTHER people.

I'm concerned that you view physically affectionate behavior towards your WIFE as "obligatory." do you feel affectionate towards your wife? do you like to touch her hair, or hug her, etc?

also, are there other ways in which you could display affection? i hear from a lot of wives that they can't enjoy sex if they feel their husbands aren't fulfilling their need for affection--wives feel used and resorted to in the absence of behavior that shows them you love them, not just want them. it's an easy pattern to fall into, she witholds sex because she feels like she's not getting anough affection, and then he starts witholding affection because he's starved for sex, et cetera. the way to help her relax is to help her understand that your affectionate gestures do not always imply an expectation that sex will follow.

make sure you take a minute--not a moment, but a MINUTE--to hug her and kiss her and snuggle with her before you leave the house in the mornings. that way she won't have any resentful "where does he think this is going to lead" thoughts, and she'll get the impression that even though you know you have to go to work, you just have such a hard time letting go of her...and she'll think of you during the day, too.

if you really don't dig the touchy-feely stuff, does she respond well to sweet, affectionate gestures? fluff up her pillows for her when she comes to bed. bring her something little--a snickers bar or something. if she's sitting at her desk or whatever, sneak up behind her, kiss her on the cheek, deposit snickers bar on desk, and vanish. leave her a goofy note. affection doesn't just mean huggy-kissy stuff, it entails all sorts of thoughful, courteous, and SWEET little gestures.

affection tells her: hey, i love you so much that when i think of you, i'm inspired to do sweet things to make you happy.

Thank you so much for replying. I do like showing my wife affection, touching hugging, back rubs, etc. However (and I understand that this is somehting I will have to work on) whenever I do this I almost always become aroused and want SF. I am fairly young (27) so this might be part of the reason but I have a problem having affectionate behavior without arousal. Does anyone else have this problem or is it just me?

Also, I do not view affection to the wife as obligatory, that feeling if for everyone else but her.

that's not a problem, buddy! physical affection and SF SHOULD go hand in hand! the problem right now is that your wife is thinking, sure, he's ONLY affectionate when he wants sex. when your wife starts to feel that you DO feel affectionate towards her and that you're not being sweet IN ORDER to get SF, she'll relax and be more receptive.

try some of the stuff i suggested in my original reply, and see if she starts to relax a bit. when wives feel inherently pretty, valued, loved, and cherished, they're more likely to feel sexy. try to make sure she perceives your affection as expressing love rather than expectation--kiss her on your way out the door, then vanish. do something sweet, then disappear rather than waiting for her reaction.

i congratulate you on seeking advice here! that shows admirable commitment! hey, for real, ask the moderators to move your thread to the MB 101 category--more people view it, so you'll get better replies. there are more husbands and stuff over there. best of luck!